The first time I got so freaking furious. Couldn't even tell Leena, but that was the exact reason why since then I never was able to stop myself from posting half-naked photos on social media.
Obviously, 90% of my purpose online is to piss people off. To none of it is any personal grudge, I just don't like women being suppressed; I don't like people being discriminated against based on whatever fuck those evil people came up with originally and ignorant heartless people followed through; and because my freedom of expression had been taken away for all those years, I shall never live a day without the capability of directly spilling out whatever it is in my mind.
The first time was maybe almost five years ago, we were boating on the lake. I was not yet in my bikini mood since I still carried a lot of baby fat. Not to say bikinis with baby fat are not sexy, I just was so focused on breastfeeding and never put my mind to it. I believe as long as a human being is truly confident, she/he is desirable from the inside out.
Confident, and humble, not egoistic like some old yuck!
So the girls, Leena, Leena's girlfriend, my mother-in-law and I were wearing swimsuits that I will never put my body into again because they were as big as great grandma's sleeping robes. We took photos while having fun tubing, sunbathing on the deck, and chilling in the waves and wind.
A few days later, my father-in-law told us in a video call, "You know, fua was scolding me because Leena's legs were not covered. She said 'How can a good girl wear so small clothes and post photos on social media'. And I replied to her, 'Didi, why the fuss? Her husband and in-laws have no problem, her brother and sister-in-law have no problem, her mother was there with her and had no problem. What's your problem? She doesn't even live in India and didn't marry into any Indian family!' And you guys don't tell Leena, Okay?"
My mind just exploded.
First of all, it's my Facebook account and sharing photos of myself in clothes not covering head to toe was a normal thing, why did nobody say anything to me!? You all think you have so much control over women that originated from your family but treat me, a foreigner, like an outsider? How about the fascinating tradition of suppressing daughters-in-law who married into your household? Only dare to suppress Indian women but not foreign daughters-in-law? It's very unfair to me Okay?! Make me feel like I don't belong!...
Secondly, the swimsuits we wore were really conservative Okay, and conservative equals ugly and obnoxious nowadays, Okay?! So what, the definition of "good girl" is a smiling face/eyes with her hair/face and all body parts hidden and "Yes, Haanjee, Yes, Haanjee" to all the fucking idiots in the family and society!? Legs, butts, tits, lips, all of our body parts are objects for violation and judgment; cover this cover that, cover up cover down, who gives you the power to rule over how many inches of our skin could be free and healthy in the air?? The uterus is mine and mine only, I have the complete authority on deciding who and when could they live in there, when I want to kick someone out, I kick someone out. My body is mine, it's none of your business and property! And could you please, for goddesses' sake, just for once, focus on our brain and ability, instead of our skin and body parts?!
And thirdly, really, Ma'am, Leena's husband and all of his family members, Leena's brother and all of his family members, including my parents, Leena's sister and all of her family members, and Leena's own mother and father had absolutely no fucking problem, what was your fucking problem? Thirsty for "Game of Thrones" kind of power grab??
Therefore I have since been half-naked on Facebook and Instagram where my Indian family and community can openly admire my beautiful bare legs and ass. IDK, no personal grudge, just like that. Mostly only because I can't stop sharing my happy moments in life and I have no intention to hide anything whatsoever. Plus, my husband enjoys me being myself.
Now after almost five years and thousands of my kinda-nude photos, Leena showed up again, with me in Vegas. So as the scolding to Leena's mother and father from the morally superior elders. "Because Leena gives you money now so you allow her to publicly share such disgraceful photos with tiny clothing and a beer in hand!"
"Holding a beer and small clothing? What about your bare-back photos on French beaches and your drinking-the-whole-way-through-Europe? They didn't have any problem with that? You are also the daughter of my parents! Oh, because you were bare-back and drinking with me in the photo, so with a man's permission then it doesn't count?!" My husband thought that was very mean to comment on his parents this way.
Even before we went to Vegas, my father-in-law already told Leena, "It's very important to know how to relax and have fun. You girls are gonna have a great time. Go enjoy with Momo!"
And this time I didn't feel itsy-bitsy of anger, only thought it was funny besides being ridiculous.
They have not even weeny teeny of a clue what we actually did for the two whole days, do they?
Of course, our husbands know all the details, that was the first thing we shared with them when we came back. The details of us being with other men and all other sassy stuff, lol!
When the world is tumbling backward on our equal rights and stepping up on our oppression and persecution; when each and every second of being alive is associated with being inferior, being unfree, being unfairly judged, and being violently violated, at least the men in our lives, the husbands, the fathers, and the fathers-in-law support us with open minds. That is some luck that most women don't have.
I told Leena, "You know, at first I was wearing a thong kind of pant but topless, and then I thought, 'Who the fuck am I wearing this pant for? My children? They've been with me in France the whole time. My parents? What did they do when I was young?' So ya, I just took off everything and walked up and down in front of my parents, completely nude, the whole day. They didn't give a fuck, as I anticipated. And Raj was so proud of me for doing that, he was smiling the whole time in the background!"
And Leena told me, "Ya you know, it was not only that 'boyfriend' who raped me, there were also other men, in different times, the 'boyfriend' asked some others to come too..."
It took her ten-plus years, bit by bit, to tell me the complete story, the story of her innocent youth which later changed her life course and pushed her in a different direction. And it took me ten-plus years to get the complete picture of what happened, what has been happening minute by minute to most of us only because we are girls and women born in this filthy rotten world of men. And those gruesome stories? Most likely they are buried deep in heavy hearts and will be taken to graves without anyone knowing.
She didn't tell you, doesn't mean it didn't happen.
But hey, guess what, no matter how brutally we were beaten and tortured, as long as they don't murder us, we will one day come back up as loving and trusting as we always are.
I fathomed that since the environment for women has always been this hostile, now we are even losing what we had gained with blood and tears, it doesn't hurt for me to get back out there and have my voice heard. The books I am gonna keep writing and publishing; the meetings and talks with important people, the conferences and courses that keep me up in my game...
Yes, I am going back to my professor and hopefully making some changes in the world.
