The consultant

Raj is on business trip in NY for 2 nights, that's the only nights I can put on my kind of shows in tv and work or write meanwhile. Sometimes I work as intensely as morning hours, have absolutely no idea what is playing on tv, if the show is boring.

When Sabrina and I were shopping in Ranch 99 for hotpot, I gave her updates and she also told me, "Ya, we started trying role play... it has become fun now..." "What?! Yaaa!" Basically she made Dib watch "Sex Room" with her and they are also inspired by the show. I insisted that they should watch that show together, that night when Sabrina was staying with me here, I made her watch with me for 3 episodes. I'm so happy that they are finally getting on the track. "You need dildo you know, not only vibrators. Coming with only vibrator is not much different from coming with your hands, we've been doing that since we were 12, no? You need something inside, you need the speed too. If Dib can't do that now, try dildo yourself first, then later he can help as you instruct. That kind of coming is in an entirely new level, you won't be able to hold down your scream, seriously, you won't be able to. Well, maybe if you do it yourself you still can, but if you do it with him, either it's him in you or a dildo he is operating, it's going to be a new level because of the excitement. Well if you have to compare dildo and a real penis, a real one is incomparably better, much much better. All he needs is practice, you will get there, you will get there hihi."

Lol, I have turned into their secret sex consultant, well, more of her sexual pleasure consultant. I brainstormed with her, suggesting them to take classes, there are so many available in SF. Raj and I were planning to learn some new tricks but we got too busy ourselves, plus we have very good sex already. But they could definitely use the classes, make him understand how to do it, teach them some tricks that are custom-made for their situation. However it doesn't look like they are quite there yet, a good start though, watching sex show together and learning from it. That's why Sabrina now needs some actually useful tricks from me, such as sex candle, dildo, double dildo etc, things you won't hear even in sex shows. 

A few days ago, I thought I saw T in my Insta. Usually I never scroll down to see the view list, then suddenly I did that day and I saw an account with "joke" in its name, no profile pic, no post no follower no following, nothing. Interesting. Then I paid a little more attention and realized this account was following my stories. Jokes and basketball, that's just so T. I thought he finally came to find me outside of GFW, just one VPN and one search, anyone can find me in my social. Or, he and family finally moved to a safe place abroad? I still feel so guilty that I didn't tell him about my other WeChat account before my old one was blocked access. I tried though, I tried to add some mutual friends, the only mutual friends I knew, but they were not in contact for a long time. 

If there's any person in this world who still would stalk me to see if I'm good and happy, that would be him, no? Who else would put "joke" in their name, lol! It was English though, a little weird. But with T, it's nothing like anything, just the genuine concern for a very old friend. I don't really have many old friends left, not many of them I consider or would be considered "important" or "connected to". With T, I can be 100% sure that I'm still important, kind of, in a way. With such a ghost account, it has to be someone who created it just to check on you, no? Someone whose social circles don't use Insta at all, who else if it's not a Chinese then? Completely blocked off from all social platforms outside of GFW. But using VPN is categorized as a crime now, it has become more and more dangerous day by day, not only using the internet or speaking about anything, but living there, for any activity. So I just wanted to talk to the account to find out. Then that account disappeared, never replied to me. That was strange too, because T would talk to me, I would then give him my Wechat account which is inside GFW. Anyways, must be a glitch in Insta, stupid Meta, stupid social media.

I have become a doggie aunty finally. Sabrina said, "I need a dog in my life!" I was like, "Alright! If you are getting a puppy, I am going to be the cool aunt who comes to pamper, take photos and leave after sunset." Lexi is a white/creamy haired golden retriever, 8 weeks old when she came. What a cute puppy, exactly like a baby. Sabrina actually became happier when the puppy now in her life. I am happy for her. But I guess for puppies, I rather stay this way, certain kind of commitment but not for real. It will take up too much of my time and energy, I won't be able to enjoy our adventures to the full then. Our parties and travels, I think I still love those more. Naa, no third kid. Aunty is a good role. 

Aging

Five years ago, I wouldn't imagine there were things in the world that I couldn't eat. Now the list only goes longer and longer. Tea, all kinds of tea, some juice, too much lemon, blend of spices... two years later now, all kinds of dairy products, all, including paneer, cheese, salad dressings, yogurt, all... yogurt?!, coffee, not even a sip. No idea where I am going to be next year, what more delicious food, food that I took for granted would suddenly turn into poison. 

Just came out of endodontist's office, Dr checked, unfortunately, there was no hope to save my fractured  and infected tooth, I am going to lose it. When they said that, sounded like I'm losing something valuable, like a pregnancy or what. "I'm sorry I can't save it." "Ohhh, we are sorry we can't save it." Maybe the severity just didn't hit me yet. Will go back to Dr. M and proceed with extraction, implant, strengthen the implant all that stuff. I always know I am going to suffer with my teeth situation especially when I become old, didn't know implant shall start so soon. 

What can I do, came from a poor country where nobody knew to floss. We didn't even have enough to fill the gaps in between of teeth, floss, are you insane? To this day my parents still don't believe in flossing, no matter how much I tried to convince them, with tedious explanation or intimidation. They weren't used to believe in brushing for goddesses' sake! Before my adult teeth, my baby teeth were all rotten with black holes in the front. Throughout my teens, they encouraged me to not brush whenever they could. I still have some healthy teeth left after all that, I'm resilient like a horse...

Finally after I got out, I have been taking care of my teeth continuously. So many of root canals and crownings done, some of them good work, some of them cheap doctor's cheap work because options were limited when we were poor back then. Now I'm forever stuck in the cycle of fixing, either originals or bad jobs. 

It's just a sign of aging I guess. I always had this notion in mind that the day when I brush down a white hair in the comb, shall be the day I am really aging. That happened just a few days ago. Out of all that hair I brushed down, there was a white one, the first white one came off this way. 

I had never thought about such things, like watching my diet, wearing night guard, dying my hair or a lost tooth. I could still dance till 4am though, just need more time to recover the next few days. 

I think more to the tangible matters, it's about your mentality. How do you take it, especially as a woman, is very crucial to maintain positive and happy. At the end of the day, it's merely a taste of aging, the real eventful days and nights are still on their way. I have my children to watch them grow up, I have my work to keep pumping energy and creativity in, I love to keep teaching music and love to kids in school, I want to write, I want to read and learn, I want to try new things, I want to travel, these are all part of a good setup to help me embrace my way into aging. 

Ya, I am ready.    

Yesterday I posted in Insta about my story in Starbucks, all that drama in the bathroom. I wrote "Working in Starbucks is such a challenge bla bla bla....", then this guy friend of Raj asked me, "I didn't know you work for Starbucks now?" "Oh, my prof is in Europe so I am working in Starbucks this and next week." "Ohh!" I mean what did he think was not important but how did he land to such a thought was very intriguing. Is it because Raj is currently jumping from startups to startups and we even received unemployment funds for some time, or is it because I am constantly this wild, people simply couldn't predict what I'm going to bring to the table the next day so anything is possible with me? Interesting.

And who said I am aging?     

Words

 

Menstrual cup

How tight is my mother fucking pussy? Of course I'm still sort of traumatized, sticking my fingers inside that narrow space, pulling in and out. That one-time-pop turned out to be The Only one time. For all the other times, I still need to try 5-6 times averagely, both in and out. This last time the cup wasn't even unfolded, I was waiting for that pop but didn't get it. Thought I must miss it, it must be open, can't be not open right, it's elastic? 3 hours, no leaking. Then I pulled it out, damn, so difficult to pull out. I just can't put my fingers in, scared to shit. Not really scared, but it's just very uncomfortable to put even 2 fingers in, can't go much further because it's mother fucking tight in there! All kinds of tissues and soft stuff! I tried at least 5 times, 5 times to nip on the tiny tip and pull, my fingers were not in a place to have too much strength and the tip I pull is acting not much of a lever. And obviously my hand was shaking, my eyes were closed, my head spinning because I was afraid to hurt myself by nipping on something else... Then at the 5th try, on way to come out, the cup popped open. What the fuck? It was folded all this time? How did it collect this cup full of blood without leaking? How tight is my pussy? I should have bought the size for women without kids... Thought I had kids, must use the one for women with kids. Maybe I won't have pain with a smaller size. Going order a small one anyway, maybe it will spare me a lot of trauma... 

All in all, I'm glad I gathered enough courage to try this new thing. Such invasive method but it's really less work to clean and lower chance for infection. Cotton pad has come to an end for me, just one hour I thought I would give myself a break from cup so used cotton pad instead, I got that UTI burning sensation right away. Drunk many glasses of cranberry juice, ate AZO, luckily it got suppressed down, or was it? UTI is such a pain in the ass, completely throw me out of bus. Hopefully with the reduce of cotton pad usage, I will have less chance to get UTI in the future.  

Story of my life

I don't understand how can they talk everyday. Everyday at least once, sometimes twice or three times, they would video chat with Maa, ask her what did she do, where did she go, what did she cook or eat, who cooked? What? Scared that I mistreat their mom? Don't give her food and starve her to surrender? Use her as domestic labor and abuse her emotionally? In fact we are going to take Maa to the nude hot spring we frequent and I plan to strip off to nothingness in front of her. Hopefully she won't be emotionally impaired for life.... I know I have the innate quality to be a psychopath, some traits are similar, but I'm in general a sweet person who's not antisocial and raised up with a lot of sunshine without too much of open-wound childhood trauma. By now most of my wounds are fully healed I think, I'm only functioning on what I want my life to be, no trenches that I haven't passed, not much fuck to give if I don't feel like. To reach here takes long time, not many people in this world have reached or will reach, so ya, I am one of the lucky ones.

Well, I'm just jealous of people who have normal relationship with their parents. After maybe 10 days, I finally video chatted with my mom, in between I posted some photos to them and I updated my WeChat feed. I also checked their feed to see if they were active, where did they go, what did they do. When I send them photos in the group, most probably they wouldn't reply a word. Sometimes because they are busy traveling in different cities, mostly they just don't reply to any of what I say at all, unless they need to spill something out themselves, usually scolding me or blaming me. Like this time, I finally saw two missed video call requests from my mom. I called her yesterday, she was not happy, scolding me with the deepest mistrust and discontent, "Why you never call? Why you never there when I call you? Shiva forgot about me? Aditi doesn't like us anymore? When do you come to China?" I thought I told you WeChat is not installed in my regular phone for security reasons? I thought I told you I might go back to China after I get American passport, or might not for a long long time?

My mom tried to contact me yesterday, because they saw those articles again. They were scared. Around 2 weeks ago some of those articles and videos about me were again flooded online for a little bit. A lot of people flocked to my Youtube to leave comments. It reached my parents at the end just a few days ago I assume. Some of their friends must be regular brainwashing sites' readers. My mom pressed on me, "Is Raj getting paid now? Where is the money? Who has the money? Why you don't have the money? You never get into finances? Then how you sure the money is yours? Are the kids eating meat? If your mother-in-law has been cooking, then how can kids get enough nutrients?" This is the response to those slandering fake stuff about me being divorced, dumped and abused for the N-th time by the same Indian man who didn't marry me but only took me as a mistress and completely made me into a barbarian Indian women who now is used to all kinds of physical plus emotional abuse even starvation. What tragedy. I might as well end up in a mental hospital already, like all those intellectuals who dared to rage against the tyranny. 

They were like, "Are you on something again? Are you? Are you working on something?" It sounded like they were questioning a drug addict but what they were implying was the work I do with my prof. Tony once accidentally spilled out in front of them. They met my prof, had parties with him, cooked prof's favorite dishes, but I never told them what exactly we did. Tony was just chatting with them one day and said it out loud. "What work? Do you think I have time to work? I'm too busy being a housewife, okay?! Only poor and miserable women from lower-class family need to work okay?" I tried very hard to pretend that I had absolutely no idea what happened, didn't see a thing, didn't catch a sign, wasn't paying any attention on the Chinese language of a internet and if those people did that again, it had nothing to do with what I do as a regular satisfied housewife, they were only trying to make money out of other people's fabricated miseries. The video chat section might be monitored anyway. And by now I am so experienced with this, I know no matter how much "updates" they are gonna use in the new waves of persecution, none of them have the balls to mention what I am currently doing with my Youtube and other social media accounts, making myself one of the most fierce rebellions who doesn't give a fuck about exposing her own identity. Well, partial identity. Ya, bring it on, you morons. 

I could have a normal relationship with my parents actually, they are ordinary loving parents to me, never was a bit of selfish with me, gave me whatever they could, raised me up like a princess, rained money on my education, development and whatever I want. The only problem comes with the unbridgeable difference of the two worlds we ended up living in. I have never stopped hoping that one day they would sincerely realize that the life inside is truly fucked, "Now I'm glad that my daughter ran away from here long time ago." Maybe that day will come, maybe it won't. The truth is their life is ultimately inside, all of their people are inside, uprooting them and taking them out is indeed cruel. Unless they don't feel there's anymore enough of security and stability left in that dark society they lived all of their life. The sad true story of my life.