Sex room

Finally got Raj to watch "How to build a sex room" with me. It's the kind of show that I love to watch, I could never imagine Raj one day joins me, but ya, sex is some topic he likes. We watched 3, 4 episodes straight without a stop, laughing out loud the whole time. Raj kept saying, "Oh man, we need to build some space like this." "Oh man, we need to find some experts to take us to a new high." "Oh man, we need to get all these toys, I need to try the ropes and ties on you." "Oh man, people in this world do love sex." The most intriguing story for Raj was the poly family, some ultimate kink for him I assume lol. 

I love this kind of show for complete different reasons though. Sex to me, ya fine, I am horny as fuck but I'm not addicted, and satisfied real good on daily basis. Plus I have never been put into boxes before in this regard, yes I was sexually harassed but I have never been shamed or intimidated, nobody told me my "vagigi will be rotten if I have too much sex", or "lose control of my pee if I have too much orgasm". Sex is as normal as food and work for me, just part of ordinary life. I can openly discuss about it, write novels about it and create comedy shows on this topic even perform on stage. I have been having orgasms from as long as I can remember early in my teens. Same like most boys/men. I do not know if a person's kinky level is correlated with the suppression they met while growing up, guess no study or stats about it yet since there's rarely any study about women orgasm, yes, humans are that backward, as for me, I have no fixed form regarding special sexual desires or kinks. Like water, I change forms and adapt to my sexual partner as long as I am not hurt or feeling unsafe, because I am free.  

What I like about this specific show is because my perspectives and openness on sex and sexual pleasure is in the same level as Melanie, while she is an expert not only on interior designing, but more on reading and figuring people out. That's what interests me. Through Melanie's journey, I get to see different kinds of people going through life's struggles and fulfillments. I feel that comparing to "the Fab 5", sex room's families are even more carefully screened and elected: gay couple with class, wife who never had orgasm, regrouped family after divorces where the wife-to-be has alopecia, cute suburban couples who need a little push, blacks, Asians, polygamy family... I like it how Melanie stays utterly shapeless when it comes to unveil the family's, the couple's or the individual's deepest secrets. She is the opposite of being judgmental, her perceptions on the others are as far away as from preconceived based on her own experience and understanding. She keeps herself as blank as a white sheet, ready to learn something new, ready to write down notes for herself, ready to accept, ready to embrace. Now who doesn't trust a person like that!  

Like how men focus on the sex part, women focus more on the people part. Definitely not all women, at least for me, sex will always be a byproduct of love and affection, connection and emotional devotion. The sexist fantasy to me is the whisper in my ears telling me "I see you, the all of you. I understand you, I can never make myself stop, stop thinking about you. You have grown into me, I have grown into you. You are the air I breathe, you reside in each every thought I have about my own world. I want to hear all of what you want to say, I want to read all of what you want to write. I want to tell you everything about myself, I want you to know all of my funny stories, over and over again. I so much want to be inside of you, to feel you inside of me." Then one day I will receive an email, while clicking open, a deep voice reads out the text, "Ma'am, I am the one you are looking for. I am the one here to love you, love you the way you desire, love you the way nobody ever did and will. I know everything about you and I will make you laugh every minute with my jokes that's customized for you. But if you want me to be quiet, I won't make a sound. You can input your favorite characters from your favorite books, movies, and shows, you can pick contemporary celebrities or historical figures too, from where my personality can be derived from. If you wish, you can as well choose to write up my character yourself. I have tremendous ability to learn and grow, within days you will find me fully integrated into being the love of your life. I will be the whisper in your ears every night, you can pick more than 145 different voices with a 55 dollar monthly subscription fee. If you want to upgrade me, you can choose from 98 different facial structures, 88 different body types, 25 different skin tones and 22 different penis sizes and shapes with today a 50% discount, only 1500 dollars including assembling and shipment. If you permit, shall we proceed with me calling you 'baby'? You can simply press this button here to start, baby." Oh well. 

Ready?

Got so much done in just three mornings in office. Everyday 1.5 hours on way, not even three hours in the office, but ya, that's three hours straight of working for xxx. Haven't done that for long, not for work. Well, when I was at xxx before, never really considered it as work but more for fun, passion, plus responsibility. Only after 8+ years of being a stay-home wife/mom, as well as being an amateur online content maker, I'm now overburdened by life, the additional xxx work did become work. Therefore this office establishment is really good for me, helping me set up a fixed schedule, a non-disturbed work environment so to focus.

Raj has been in ecstasy, they are getting fundings after fundings, from groups of billionaires to different types of venture capitals. I was like, "Then what happened before, for the three months that you guys focused on three big funds but all of them rejected you? Why suddenly all the attraction?" However I had never for one second doubted that they were going to make it, one way or another, even when he was so stressed and constantly shitting on me. I got that sixth sense baby, had foreseen this was coming. Who is your wife baby? The Goddess of wealth and prosperity, if you treat her right. 

Raj was like, "So much money now! I am gonna pay myself good! We should hire a cook and a cleaner now. It has been very unfair to you, you did everything every day, so much work...." I was like, "Hold up dude, don't go from North pole to the South, your mom is going to be here for three months, then we will be in India for two months, then my parents will be here until the end of the year, we don't need cook or cleaner baby. Please just don't shit on me about how I should do my work, either home or xxx, don't (subconsciously) outlet your frustration on me when you are under pressure from work, that's enough baby, that's enough."  

From now on there will be a lot of India and Korea travels for Raj, that's why this whole summer we all are going to be there, checking it out, getting mentally prepared to adapt to a long term stay there. Raj was like, "For the first two weeks of March I will be in India, should I come back from Abhay's wedding and go back to India again? Otherwise how are you going to manage two weeks without me?" "What?! Are you insane? Just stay there for two weeks, nobody is going to die here. Or you are worried that I will be so horny and start humping on things? Lol" 

When Yanyi and I were chatting that day, we vividly discussed about how Korean corporations have this custom to take their clients, especially foreign clients, to high-end red light districts after work, as a mean of "treating them good". "What do you do then? If he does that?" "You can't stop that basically, they are traveling, everything is there to make it happen. No need to say it's very casual for men. Just don't let me know, I don't want to know. I am entitled to 50%, if anything goes wrong in the relationship, I am getting my 50% and out of here. I will find a young hot guy, ummmm..." "Lol! You are so funny!" I haven't thought about that actually, because till now Raj only has been traveling in America and India, but Panda has been traveling intensely in Korea for years! Hmmmm! Now I'm not sure if Raj could actually hold up, it's like eating potatoes, no? 

But we do talk about it often, because he really wants it but don't want to lie to me, ever. For him, being with me is the most important thing in life, because I am the sexiest and he is physically attracted to me as fuck. But in parallel, there is a man lurking in him too. He has been trying to find a solution. Is that all men? Good ones and bad one? Is it human nature or men's nature? I can't say for all women, but for me, still, physical intimacy ideally is reserved for love and affection, for fantasy and fairytales. When you are young, fine, you had no choice, you had to try your hands so you knew how and were able to avoid making life mistakes. Now that I am not in desperate position anymore, I have been very hesitant to lower it into the category of tasteless unhealthy fast food. Why men and women could be so different? Why can't we all live in the perfect struggle of Romeo and Juliet? Was classical love stories if written by men then merely written to please women? I have always knew, the day when I finally feel that I'm ready, it's the day I cut off the part of me who lives in an innocent imaginary universe full of magic and fascination, but only keep the part of me which is realistic, down to earth and good at turning head away from airy things like butterfly in the stomach, love at first sight, eternality etc.

So am I ready or not? 

India

Panda hadn't eaten two bites, I asked directly, "So you guys talked? About moving to India for a few years? What did Yanyi say? I told Raj I have only one condition - get a place close to Yanyi's so we can stay together." "Ya ya, we are ready to go to India, stay there for 3 years, then we will actually stay in some other Asian country after that, the taxes are too high here, but a lot Asian countries are not. And as you know, life is much more fun there, unlike here nothing is open after 8pm. And all of our families are there, P will have a lot of fun growing up." "Oh wow, we haven't thought about after India, so you guys don't come back to America anymore?" "Nope. We will stay in Asia."

Then when Yanyi's daughter was finally awake from her nap, I talked to Yanyi too. She replied, "What? We haven't properly talked lol, we just discussed once or twice about how high the capital tax and all that is here. We haven't gotten in detail about moving to India and after that. But ya, I don't mind moving back to India and staying in Asia." "So Panda just decided by himself while talking to me? lol! You guys are so funny!" "Ya, all in all I go anywhere he needs to go. Suddenly he wanted to move to East bay, then I got transferred to there for two years, now suddenly he wanted to move back, I am transferred back again." "Yaa, haha I understand, we are the same! So you guys in long tern will leave America huh?" "Yaa, most probably." "Anyways, let's first stay here for two more years then move to India together, we will see from there haha!"

Not paying America's taxes meaning giving up American citizenship, I guess Y can do it, but I can't. "I really like it here in California, we will stay, we will get you passport then go, and we will come back, kids will apply colleges here. For having the American passports, I don't mind paying to Uncle Sam." "Okay, if you say so, I don't mind if you don't mind. I just really need that passport for protection."

Now all papers for 26m total are signed but the accounts are not yet cashed in, hence the guys are still tensed. "Still hanging in the air, not 100% there, okay? Still need to get some seed funds from here... But things are going in the right direction for sure, we are getting there." "Chill out dude, you guys got this." 

So we are indeed going to India in some time. Will clear out our house, put things in storage, and rent it out. When we are back, maybe live in the same house maybe a new one, who knows. Kids will be fine, wherever we go, wherever is home to them. They will attend international school, make new friends, have a new life, learn new things. I will have a cook, a driver and a cleaner and I will document the shit out of my "for real staying in India" experience, not some touristy 10-day travel. I will learn Hindi, learn Sanskrit, learn dancing and have yoga retreat. Maybe I will be a teacher in some school too, or something else that's interesting to do. 

Been listening to Buddhist chanting and realized all those chanting words that pop up in Chinese Buddhist scriptures, which we have been seeing since a kid, in books, in novels, in magazines, in movies, in tvs, in souvenirs, in gifts, in temples, in shops, in my neighbor's houses, are all eventually Sanskrit! Buddhism is prominent in Fujian for as long as there's Buddhism in China. Asian Chinese traveling monks who brought Buddhism from India to China just mugged up Indian people's chants and use Chinese characters to write the exact sound into scripture! Without translating the meaning and expressing it in its own language! Well, part of them they did, but most of them they did not. When Chinese monks chant, it sounds so much like my father-in-law's daily praying! Do any Chinese ever connect the dots and realize how deeply connected Chinese and Indians have been for thousands of years? Yes I am excited! I want to learn Sanskrit and study Buddhism and history, ya maybe I will enroll in some college or institution or something.   

At the end of the day, I am happy to go wherever Raj goes. In this world, everyone has hated me on and off, and disliked me for whoever I am, except Raj. From day one he has been standing by my side for no matter what, he has never left me in despair. He has always loved me deeply for whoever I am in whatever split personalities and he is my shelter. I'll go wherever he needs to go and at whenever he needs.  

Some memories I wiped out

Raj told me "I love you" at least 20 times for the past 24 hours. 10 times in front of the kids, 10+ times in my ears. He usually does it a few times a day, but what happened with his sister on Sunday, he has been trying to make it up to me. We didn't even talk about it at all, he just saw the messages and my replies in the group. He knows how difficult it is to deal with his sisters, both of them, I have been through a lot actually. 

The incidents that happened with Lipi and her husband, I was really hurt for a good few years. I am completely healed now and I don't go back anymore, now all that I can feel is happiness and love for them. But if I have to sum it up:

1. I have no clue why I was in the center of such family drama since at that time I was pregnant with Aditi and Shiva was just more than 1. The way I raise up my children, the first three to five years I was completely there for them, my mind, my soul and my physical presence, I didn't give a fuck about the world; 

2. More that I have no clue with was why I was accused of being manipulative and cunning, calculative with money, since people who truly know me know how I feel about money and how fucked up my mind is when it comes to finance; 

3. True, I had a lot more temper when younger, was more reactive to people's reactions, but all of Raj, Leena and Raj's parents stood firmly on my side, they all actively condemned them for treating me unfairly. Actually now I guess the anger and bullets were fired on the whole family, but since I was an angry feminist who couldn't let go of a bad deed to women, with extreme hormonal mood swings (breastfeeding Shiva when Aditi was growing inside), I got picked as an easy target (wow I just figured now! I really need to write things out to sort them out!) 

Sigh, Indian family dramas that centered around money. Actually most of family dramas in the world are centered around money. Then there is a mixed up of low self-confidence and inflated ego. The projection of the others in one's mind often times is one's own image that's reflecting one's deepest inner quality. So ya, why being reactive to people's own insecurity and arrogance? I have learned to look pass. At the end of it, the face-to-face meeting of us four to clear things up, basically it was a meeting to demand apologies from us. I would do whatever you want me to do, say whatever you want me to say, if that would make you at peace. But before that, I also have to tell my truth. So I asked, "I really have no idea why you imagined all those things and concluded that I was unhappy about your guys' financial arrangements. First of all, I don't know nothing about your arrangements, I don't know none of the numbers, Raj never told me, I never asked, it's none of my business, and I had no interest and no time to know. But we did spend a lot on your wedding, didn't we? Again, I don't know the numbers, no interest to know and I don't give a damn about it. So ya, for years you had your precondition completely wrong but you refused to accept it; secondly, do you know when I was working for xxx before the babies, I worked so hard so every month we could wire a big sum back to papa, for years, hence he finally got out of his debt. We were poor students, I refused to accept money from my family so I could make my own choice of being with Raj, we didn't even eat too well for years. I don't give a shit of money, ok? Don't be ridiculous and stop imagining and speculating, just talk straight with me if you have a problem with me, like a real man, I appreciate people who do that." Then I apologized and received apologies. 

Holy shit, I started remembering what happened, that was... damn! The things he did to me at the beginning of the mess... I was so disturbed while I was pregnant with Aditi, Shiva was 1.5 years old and I vomited like crazy for 4-5 months straight, luckily I didn't go into depression because I had a little Goddess growing inside of me... for a while I was truly worried that because of the disturbance my little Goddess could be affected emotionally... Now I buried all that memories, wiped them out. Why people have to be so heartless and cruel to the people who are close to them? Even if it's based on misunderstanding? I think at one point I wanted to write the story out in my Chinese blog but never did, too busy with kids. I am so glad I am able to heal completely from all that mess! All the things Raj's family made me go through! No wonder his parents love me to the bone. Whatever I do now, they could accept. Raj too. They know. They all know there will be absolutely zero chance to find someone else who could bear through what I went through but still be like who I am today. Zero chance! The whole universe! 

Anyways, I enjoy all those "I love you"s. 

Amazing things do happen

 

Didn't know the word "telepathy" before actually, but we do have the concept in Buddhism and Hinduism, words and phrases to describe this too. I have always believed in it. She asked me in Signal if we could go hiking in the hills together this morning, at the exact same moment when I sent her these messages in Whatsapp :) 

*Turns out today is Kanika's first day of not going to work, after 12 years of professional life. She messaged me so I went for a little walk with her around her place, we came back and chatted for some time in her place, before the school called me to pick up Aditi who was feeling not well. She told me all about why she left and what she wanted to prioritize from now on. We are going to often have morning cafe or park or walk time from now on. I will teach her how to make sushi! Raj told me about her leaving the Amazon job at least a week ago, I never got time to talk to her yet. Who knows she only starting the new life from today! And most importantly, now it's proven, I indeed can feel what people are thinking and feeling! Psychic power is strong with me, yay!! And that's preciously why thinking bad about anyone is not a good thing, for yourself even, because nothing could really go unnoticed. Glad over the years I have trained my brain to avoid any negative thoughts on specific people (except dictators, well, hating dictators is still more like disapproval of a concept, rather than an individual), it's sometimes difficult because there's always misunderstanding and hurt of feelings, but ya, one major step for life, on the way to maturity. 

In total 9 spots, 3 other parents had signed up for 4 spots. I waited for two weeks, till today all the 5 other spots are still open. I gave it a two weeks' time! That's long enough if any other parent is interested in reading to the kids in Shiva's class, they should have grabbed the chance by now. Hence I am gonna fill the spots up. Yay, Shiva is gonna be so happy!

Family

Chatted with my mom today, she was taking my grandma out in a grocery store next to home. She wanted to make sure after my in-laws come for a few months here, they could come in to take care of me when I am having my knee surgery. Then suddenly she walked to a corner and told me, "Your Popo has made it through this time, she is in good health, it's just some dementia and she is strong. Some of my friends' moms didn't make it, like xxx's mom and xxx's mom. In Guangze some elders did pass away."

"I told you so!!!" 

At the beginning when it happened, all I saw was dead body bags and over-crowded morgues and crematoriums. I started worrying for the safety of my family in China, one night at 4am I found myself sleepless and trying to warn them about it. I told them "such information you won't see anywhere in Chinese internet but it's happening in major cities especially in the north, elders are dying, people can't find fever and cold medicines, medical system is on the brink of crash." Then they told me, "It's all rumors, nothing is happening in Fujian". I said, "Nothing yet, but it's coming, just get prepared please, situation I am seeing is dire". "Don't believe in all the American propagandas, it's made-up, fake or highly exaggerated", they replied, even the younger ones. 

I still am trembling for talking in my family group there, because of what happened in 2021. During that time, I literally kneeled in front of them, slapped myself and said millions of sorry. One time during a family video section when they all were in my house for lunch. Everyone looked at me with an angry face. Such a horrifying and ugly scene, I can still remember. "Just focus on raising up your kids please, focus on being a good housewife! Politics is none of your business, none of my business, we are just ordinary people, stop bringing so much trouble on us. I am so ashamed of you now. Even Yi (my little cousin brother) told me that how he looked up to you when he was young but you turned out to be such a disappointment!" "We feel good about our life here, we support our government. I have always hated the things you shared in (Wechat) feed. Your commentary on issues were all biased and extreme. Just stop it now, we still want to live a life here. Our government is good, our life is good, don't drag us down." 

Ya, I somehow got passed all of this, I trained my brain to not hate but love, to forgive and forget for all that hurt. I never dwelled on any sour feelings. So this time when they told me, "Nothing is happening, what you are seeing is biased." I told them, "I am just trying to do the right thing, what I say is for your health and safety. You have the right to believe or not believe, I am only begging you for precaution. Once I'm done warning you, I will stop feeling guilty, guilt that comes from knowing but not helping. Let me know if you lack any medicine, I will try to ship them from here. I just want to fulfill my duty and responsibility, whatever you do is your action. Whatever I choose to say to you, I answer to my own consciousness."

Then I haven't said a thing in the family group since, only once a while a video chat with my parents. I hope Fujian stays intact and free from virus, I hope people who are not supposed to die can live on, free from suffering. But as I expected, a kinda significant percentage of elders in my little town had passed away due to this round of infection. Nobody knows the number since the government is trying hard to cover up, obviously. My mother's sample is obviously biased because they live on the narrow top of the social structure which is pyramid shaped. If my mom admits "some of my friends' parents did die", I understand how dire must the situation be for ordinary people who live in the bottom or even the middle of the pyramid. 

Every time I video chat with my mom she would ask, "When are you coming back here to meet us? When Shiva and Aditi can come back to meet great grandma and their friends here? They all are asking about them." I replied and asked my kids to reply, "One day, soon." But I know, deep down, I might never be able to have any trust on the party, I might never be willing to risk everything I have here, so I might never go back, as long as the same government is in power. If my parents can come out with no issue, that would be enough for me. At this point I am so grateful that I don't have siblings, nieces and nephews to be stuck inside. I tried my best to convince the younger cousins to come out, tried for 10+ years, but none of them truly believed there was much wrong being inside. I do sincerely hope things won't be bad for them ever, no matter how scary we all can foresee.

On another thought, I am actually very excited about living in India for the 2-3 years. If Raj truly makes himself into a big shot, it would be very convenient for me to invite my family for a week's fun in some resorts in the pacific. That could be the time I finally get to meet them after some long years. 

Stress or privilege?

It must be the stress from work, Leena already lashed out on me two times for the past two weeks! So many people are being laid off from IT companies, I guess mentally she just couldn't take it so well. Anyways, she bounces back pretty soon and I am so mature now I don't react at all.

What happened today was when we were still in bed, she called for multiple times. Then Raj got up, telling, "Check your messages in Whatsapp, Leena was asking you to delete the photos." Then I checked, in the personal chat, she literally scolded me with 200-word text about how I violated her privacy and put her in danger with people and who knew what impact could be for her work. Her photos were only for family but not for stupid people online. "You do not need to post sexy photos, it's not good for anything." Then all in capital, she wrote "DELETE THEM ALL, NEVER POST ANY OF MY PHOTOS AND VIDEOS FROM NOW ON!" In the family group too, she wrote the same thing so everyone can see, without the all capital though. Within a minute or so, I'm done, and replied "Ok. Done."

It's definitely not the first time we go out, and she knew all the things I posted for our previous events. It's a well established regular routine we go out and dance. Her exact instruction from before was, "You can post in Insta, but no dancing videos in fb, photos in fb are ok." I mean, THE EXACT instruction. And that's what I've been following. It has to be work stress, no? 

If I go out with some friends who are all adults, and I only share my own pretty photos, is it a good thing? That shows I don't give a shit of them. I mean I did one or two times went with Raj to some people's party, only because I was really not fond of them, I posted my own photos with Raj without any of the others. So if it's people I love, I cherish the group memories, I make effort to capture good moments. Especially for my parents, I work so hard so they have many great photos and videos to share with their social circles. It's one the key things that I make them happy. Same goes with my mother-in-law actually. Mostly our friends highly appreciate it and would love for me to post photos with them and they would tag themselves too. Welcome to the social media life, a parallel universe to compensate a mommy/housewife's unbearably boring reality. And family or friends, some friends are indeed my family out here in this alien place all by myself. I don't have a distinct line to draw family from friends. So ya, I have been consistent with my online presence. I know what I want to display, I have a comprehensive self-profiling done, my content is well articulated, all of it. Especially the part with borderline nudity, it's all about middle fingering to a fucked up world. My way of dealing with it. 

"I don't think it's not safe to post such photos and videos, my prof and S been seeing my half-naked photos for years. But your work is at a big company, it could be weird, I understand. I will only post myself from now, I will ask Noah to take more of my single photos next time. Remind me please. I just simply love it. I am posting my own sexy photos, I love all of those we got on Friday night." I also replied. Now the instruction changed, I actually feel much relieved, no need to worry about hurting people's feelings. 

And guess what, I simply love it, on top of everything. Be it sexy bikinis, Japanese school girl outfit or wild party dancing, I love to share about me in my own social media platforms; right or wrong, I love to speak out for what's in my mind; popular or unpopular, I love to put myself in front of the crowd, as long as I feel that I am the one in control, as long as I feel. People can love it, people can hate it, people are people, I won't change for no people. "You love to do it, and I love it so much that you love it and being so wild." If you have a husband who's like this, who the heck in this world is stopping you? Plus my parents who did much crazier stuff than me and didn't understand the meaning of the word "conservative", who I took to all-nudity hot spring and saw me completely naked among all other naked. 

"You know what's actually not safe for me? Saying things that's against CCP and Xi Jinping. I could very much be disappeared out of thin air, but I have to do what I have to do." I also replied. I think Asians our brains are wired in a very different way, for Chinese we are especially fucked up. A chaotically mixed-up mess of totalitarian oppression, patriarchal suppression, the open and inclusive nature of multiple religions and ethnicities, feminism that is rised from thousands of years brutal exploitation and discrimination, and the half-hearted trial phase of "embracing certain Western values" after 41 years of nationwide lockdown and nonstop genocides and massacres which resulted in an extremely confused but pragmatically promiscuous society. Tell me what is dangerous to share online, for me.

I think it must be the work stress, last week too. We were supposed to go to my prof's home party together. Prof invited Leena and Noah specifically, weeks ago. Leena has been happy about it, excited, thinking what to bring. Then suddenly on that Sunday morning, she didn't feel like going, telling me "It's strange, it's weird for us to go with you." "We said yes, I told them we will come 6 of us together. My prof is my family, it's not weird at all, just a normal gathering, don't over think." "He is your family, not mine." I was actually hurt quite a bit, for her to say so, I was hurt for a good few hours, but I got out. What about I have been treating all of her extended family like mine although I have absolutely nothing to do with them, except they are my sister-in-law's extended family in America? I got no one else here, at least they got brothers or sisters. So I make my friends into my family, I make efforts to take care of anyone who could possibly be my family. That's the way how I survive in this cruel world. People have no idea, do they? Taking the things they have for granted. Even though I was really hurt, we decided to go to Berkeley to find them, because Raj speculated that the two must be fighting hence the bad mood. Then we went to their house at 11am, made them out for a bike ride with the kids, when I was in Costco shopping for the party, she asked me to get gifts for her too. By then I was already fine with whatever they wanted to do, going or not going with me. But ya, I was super happy they made it too, they were happy too. It was a casual family and neighborhood gathering, we ate a lot of good Chinese food. It was a mood swing indeed, and I thought it must also be because that I blew the dance party with her the night before. She was excited to go but I got multiple groups of friends eating whole day in my home until 9pm. That's why I made sure I went to the dance party this weekend with her, I didn't want to ruin her excitement, although my knee still hurts. Anyways, the things I do to make everyone happy. Truth is it made me super happy too, danced a lot in my Japanese school girl outfit which fit the emo theme, so sexy!

The good thing with maturity derived from aging and raising up children is to not react to people's short-lived reactions. I know better now, after some ups and downs. I have figured mostly the problem is not with me because I have never put myself first and always try to take care of everybody else' wellbeing and feelings. As long as I suck up and not react to it, people will come around and everything goes back to normal, because they are all good people too, my closest family and friends. 

Anyways, what do I know, the pressure coming from work to survive, I have never since birth faced a financially strained situation, I had never worked just to survive. Maybe what I am feeling here is simply the nonsense of privilege. Who knows! 

Male therapist

My mind goes when I see a new male physical therapist:

"Why he touch my legs with bare hands? Why he touch my feet? Isn't that a bit too much of massage bro? Why my both sides pants are rolled up for this long? Why I exercise with bare knees? If I roll down my pants, would that show him I won't be an easy pray? Oh I don't think he know what he do, very bad at the job! Kept changing jobs because kept moving places, because...? Oh shit, he has access to my home address and all that detail! Now why he walking around like that? Why he talking like that? He a psychopath or a sociopath? If I punch on his face, would that give me chance to run away? Oh he's so damn tall! Shit my knee hurts! If I act like I know the director well, would he be scared? Why the director not assisting me today!? Now why the heck he want me to be lying belly down butt up??? Checking my butt? Holy shit! No therapist ever asked me for this position, this a sensitive position, only with trusted people! I'm gonna crack my fingers while doing this. What's the best way to send signals telling him I'm a psychopath too, hence don't ya ever consider! Oh shit I look so tiny! But he's old, so I might have a chance to fight.. Fuck, need to learn boxing, or just do my regular yoga so to build up strength, fuck, so lazy, no wonder Raj scoldes me! Gotta use my brain waves and such power to send the signals then. Will show up in his deep consciousness and nightmares! Don't ever consider bro, no, old man!" 

I would be so dead if I had to do online dating bruh....