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In the Arches National Park, the most common shape is an erect penis

For me, that's Shiv Lingam everywhere

Seems like the stone nature agrees with human nature

Why cage one of the primary needs of any human being?

 To comply with social norms and religious doctrines 

that were set up by the powerful to rule over the powerless?

 

In Hindu culture, we worship Shiv Linga to respect human nature

as well as to admire the strength of men and women

Because with the erect penis, 

there are often strong and warm homes for them

like earth, like ocean

Home

(Written on August 2, 2023, after the magical trip 

in India where I felt the presence of Lord Shiv

I can't explain why most of my spiritual encounters

are mixed with erotic experiences)

heavy mahogany window pushed open a little wider

moonlight sneaked in

her curve radiating a creamy glow

 cicadas of the garden 

orchestrating a soothing lullaby 

her eyes shut

in peace and serenity

deep in dreams

on the corners of her mouth

a rosy flush hung

what fairyland you flew off to?  

kneeling next to her arm

he gazed down at her hair

what refreshing scent of jasmine 

his lips found her earlobe

"You're my Goddess"

he nibbled

skimmed along her glowing skin

his long tender fingers

stroking, caressing, nipping

his eyes tracked along 

her hips her thighs 

her calfs her ankles

her belly her breasts

like a studious apprentice

he examined her body

part by part

how elegantly shaped a pair of breasts

no aggression no compulsion

calm and satin

formlessly melts into your palm

his hands cupping them

cradling, fondling, squeezing

restless and mischievous

wet and warm

his tongue glued to the hardened nipples

teasing and tickling

sending shivers to her core

how full her body

silky but solid

delicate yet firm

chill though blazing

to her neck his mouth moved up

more and more relentless his gaze turned

never to stray from her face his eyes were

"ah"

she moaned lightly

still in her dreams

"mmm"

her eyebrows bending in rhythm

eyelids struggling to unfold

"my lord, you were dancing in your cave,

merely a moment ago..."

she murmured

"ah"

her lips parted in protest

biting down into the lower lip

"my lord!"

her fingers coiling onto the linen

"what's the matter?" 

to her ears he whispered

"you don't approve of my little soldiers?"

"ah!"

her hips sent into a sudden upward curl

"my lord!" 

her eyes flickering with moonlight

gazing back into the infinity of his

he pulled her in 

sliding on the fine linen

like a cobra king with its pray 

his arms around hers 

his thighs circling hers

enwrapped

not a chance to escape   

"you don't welcome me to my cave?"

"as you said, it's your cave,

your home,

whenever you wish,

my lord"

Time

 time

what a self-serving concept 

humans created

in the name of it

we kill, 

we conquer, 

we exploit

but them

they just exist

quietly come

quietly go

in the blink of their eyes

our ugliness spills 

all over the sand

engulfed by the infinite darkness

in the blick of their eyes

Proud of Myself

Really long day. But I am gathering the last bit of energy to write this diary. 

Getting a new intern under me, this morning when I was filling her job description, in her contract my role was written as "Executive Editor of xx". It's my first time seeing it on paper, in somebody else's contract. 

I can't even begin to describe how thrilled I was, I am. Was bragging all about my work to Raj on our drive back home from Berkeley. After 8 years of pause, I have been back for a few months more than a year now. I have done some other projects but this recent role as Executive Editor of my site is my favorite. 

I guess a writer will always be a writer, writing is her soul. Never got a chance to study journalism or literature, but hey, look what I'm doing now, living up to my childhood dreams. 

Raj said, "It's all because of your hard work." 

Yes, if there is anything that never will change in me is that I put my 1000% into things, things that I love to do. Prof knows that. This time after I was back, he gave me all the opportunities to explore and to find what I was passionate about. He nearly lost me last time because I lost interest in the things he wanted me to do, I don't think he was ready to go over that again.

Anyway, long day, did a 1.5-hour hot Yoga with Raj in Berkeley, worked like crazy in the office for 4 hours, accompanied my son to his 1.5-hour-long horse riding training, practiced 1.5 hours with band members then rehearsed for another 1.5 hours. My work and music, they truly bring out the best in me and keep me pumped throughout the day, no matter how tiring it is. I just wish that I could gather more time to write, my sci-fi and my stories. But ya, it's okay for now, I will do as much as I can and things will surely fall into place as it goes. 

I am living a life not only as someone's mother or wife. Society lost all powers to impose their designated roles on me based on masses or mainstream culture. I choose what I desire to do, I decide what things, places, or who I'm in love with, and I map out my own future through hard work and with an open heart. I am proud of myself, I am proud of who I am.   

Who I am

 

Band and songs!!!

The adult band is such a great experience for me. Arriving at it without any knowledge about the keyboard or band, even the music. Not the 80s, not the 90s, not the 70s. But I dived in, because music is music.

This season we are doing the 80s. All songs and roles are pre-assigned by teachers and music directors. One day I was walking Aditi to her rehearsal, when the owner John asked me, "What do you play?" I replied confidently, "Piano!" Within a few minutes, he convinced me to join the Monday adult band. There is a Thursday adult band too, Monday one was just forming at that time. It's 500 dollars per month tuition fee, but ya, I am in. 

My first songs were "Here I go again", "Pour some sugar on me" and "Maneater". For the first two weeks, I was just fanatically trying to find out what music sheets I should use. Obviously, for a lot of songs, keyboard player creates their own sound. Not me, not yet. In my 45-minute keyboard lesson, my teacher helped me figure out the chords for "Pour some sugar on me", and started me with the "Maneater" saxophone solo. I downloaded a complete piano sheet for "Here I go again" from other app and realized my part was exactly written in the sheet.

I did spend several whole days listening to all three songs and figuring out stuff. For "Maneater" saxophone solo, I most probably listened to it 100 times to be able to write out the notes precisely. And I did it, exactly imitated that part. It was impressive when I performed it. 

After finally a little settled with my sheets, I followed along with rehearsal for a few weeks, to be more familiar with song structures, as well as practicing my parts. Now it's the 6th week, I am very confident with all three songs. Will keep practicing so as to memorize everything in mind. 

For "Maneater" I got the vocal reinforcement role. Basically, what you want, you have to grab it. I asked the teachers and music directors "What if I want to do more vocals in the future", they told me to start with background vocals. So I grabbed it, I am the "Ohh here she comes" throughout the song. What a fun experience, playing with my key but seriously singing "Ohh here she comes" from beginning to end.   

Six new songs have been added, they assigned two to me. It's not about the quantity but the quality. Victoria the other keyboard player got 7 songs out of 12, I only 5. But I absolutely love all of my 5 songs. I am super happy about my original 3. Now the two new songs for me are "What's love got to do with it?" by Tina Turner and "Take on me". When the music director was explaining the new assignment, he told me "It just feels like it's your song, Momo!" I had never heard of "What's love got to do with it?" but yeah, if you say so! 

After listening to it, I realized, ya, it's a song that keyboard plays a significant part. The school app has this song's sheets which made it a lot earlier on me. And yes, there are two different keyboard flows going at the same time and I am the only keyboard player for this song! So double keyboard it is! I confirmed with my teacher on my keyboard lesson, and ya, double keyboard I will use! I will also do vocal reinforcement for "What's love" throughout the song. What fun!

For "Take on me", both keyboard players are assigned, my name was on top. I know the music director was thinking about me taking on the most highlighted part. But after going through the sheets, my teacher thought the lower part of the keyboard was equally challenging, especially if  I wanted to add to the vocals. The highlighted part of the keyboard has "a short star of the show" feeling but most of the part stays dormant. My teacher is also Victoria's teacher, so I guess he also wants her to try some of the highlights. For all of the original 4 songs, her part was nothing like solo or standing out. I suspect the 3 news songs too, although I haven't listened to any. For sure, I don't mind at all. The music director will decide but the music teacher said he was going to give recommendations. I will be super happy for anything. I will be happy for Victoria too, if she can handle the fast-paced highlights, ya she will, no problem.

I am already imagining myself operating on the double keyboard so seriously but extremely sexy, making all that funky highlights, and singing "What's love" to the mic. What a pro, how fun! 

Religion is the opposite of love

 

For me, religion without the freedom to spirituality

equals dictatorship & authoritarianism.

Hence all the things I suffered growing up under an authoritarian regime,

I find similarities in religions:

brainwashing, suppression, exclusionism, conformation...

The idea of established/organized religion is the opposite of love.

I fanatically stay away from people or places

if I smell the slightest sense of preaching or conversion.

Simply because I do not wish to relive my miserable youth.

I do not wish to be installed with more dictatorial male gods.

To me, gods are whatever I feel him to be,

goddesses are whatever I want her to be.

Gods are in me,

and I am the Goddesses.

Feeling bad

I don't know if this has anything to do with anything, but I got very sick this time. Head spinning, coughing with enormous pain, every body part aches, waves of chills.

And I cry whenever I see what's happening in the world. Sometimes for China, sometimes for Gaza. Sometimes random things in the world.

Leena said if she had to choose a side, she would choose Isreal.

I can't. I can't choose a side. I'm only on the side of normal people who got killed, homes destroyed, family and lives shattered. I don't care what are their religions or how could they get a government or dictator like that. People are powerless, in most places in the world. Majority of people. And that's on top of people being selfish, shortsighted and stupid. 

But I still feel sad for them. 

Yes, we are the true drifters.

Garage Arts

Y'all Need to Learn Sth About The Goddesses Man

 

Jiabiangou Ditch 夹边沟

所有由制度、习俗、技术、权力……阴谋或阳谋倡导的人类生存，都值得精神个体当仁不让地拒绝。

中心的生活、主流的方式、时髦的日子、因循的境地，都是可怀疑的，可抛弃的。

 -- 余世存评王兵电影《夹边沟》

Translated by Google:

All human existence promoted by institutions, customs, technology, power...conspiracies or plots deserve to be rejected without hesitation by spiritual individuals. 

The life in the center, the mainstream way, the fashionable life, and the conventional situation are all questionable and disposable.

[Commentary on Movie "The Ditch"(Jiabiangou Farm) by Wang Bing]

维基百科：

夾邊溝農場，是曾經位於中華人民共和國甘肅省酒泉市境內巴丹吉林沙漠邊緣的一個農場，距離酒泉市區東北約30公里。最初為1954年建立的一個勞改農場，1957年轉為勞教農場，1961年10月撤銷，原址現為夾邊溝林場。1957年至1960年間，前後有來自甘肅省各地的三千多名「右派」被送到夾邊溝農場勞動教養。由於恰逢大饑荒等原因，大多數在該農場勞教的右派因飢餓而死亡，這一事件又被稱為「夾邊溝事件」或「夾邊溝慘案」。

Google Translate: [Wikipedia] Jiabiangou Farm is a farm once located on the edge of the Badain Jaran Desert in Jiuquan City, Gansu Province, People's Republic of China, about 30 kilometers northeast of Jiuquan City. Originally established as a labor camp farm in 1954, it was converted into a labor camp in 1957 and abolished in October 1961. Between 1957 and 1960, more than 3,000 rightists from all over Gansu Province were sent to Jiabiangou Farm for labor re-education. Due to the Great Famine and other reasons, most of the rightists who worked on the farm died of starvation, an event also known as the Jiabiangou Incident or the Jiabiangou Massacre.

One fine day

 

TIRED of This World!!

 

How much could I be??

I'm wondering how much my death would be worth?? 

Most probably less because I'm older, older = cheaper.

Write on

 

印度！

印度真的很棒！

这次去印度感觉就非常震动，看到印度人都特别振奋，觉得“我们的转折点终于来了，我们的机遇终于来了”。不是因为什么“中国跌倒”之类的原因，而是因为印度本身的政治结构和建国以来的历史。

从1947年印度独立，之后二三十年逐步建立和成熟其宪政制度，利用宪政和人人平等平权的观念来处理内部各种矛盾：种性，宗教，州邦，男女等等。

最开始几十年前几代开国领导人都持有“去除英殖民主义影响”的执念，所以亲俄亲社会主义，在经济政策上抵触资本主义，在尼赫鲁的的女儿- 英吉尔.甘地（印度第一位女首相）执政二十年间达到高峰。

但共产主义不止是经济政策，共产主义天生有专制倾向，会逐渐侵蚀民主的政治构架。英吉尔.甘地在位的二十年间印度人受够了各种政府的限制，她推行了只生二孩政策，国进民退，类似五年计划的经济政策等等，甚至常常让国家进入紧急备战状态，都由她一人统筹指挥，独裁专断，导致印度的经济停滞不前，人民生活水平停留在极低的位置。热爱自由的印度人，最终用选票把英吉尔.甘地选下，印度也开始了拥抱资本主义的旅程。

1991年印度开始经济上的改革开放，没有赶上亚洲四小龙和中国曾经搭的顺风车，成为全球化的重要一环，是因为印度经济基础实在太差，基础建设实在很落后，加上内部矛盾的解决还尚未完善。

但过去三十年下来，印度一直处于拥抱资本主义，与世界接轨，逐渐完善与改变的过程，一天都没有停过。印度为什么要和中国一样成为世界工厂？印度人从没有那种想法。印度的信息服务业已经世界一流，印度的IT行业堪比发达国家，印度的新兴公司跃跃欲试。

印度有民主自由，政体稳定，新闻自由，法律完善，思想自由，允许创新，印度的发展和飞跃，可以有无数种可能。

Husband

*  Conversation 1 *

Husband: I heard you are going to be put in prison for wearing inappropriate clothes.

Me: Ya, most definitely.

Husband: I think they should put you in "Horny Prison" since a virtuous good Chinese wife at your age should be cold and indifferent to sex, wearing long skirts that cover at least knee to ankle, and focus on cooking and caring for the others. Unlike you... 

* Conversation 2 *

Husband: Unlike you, I will have to be sober to drive you back home. 

Me: Hmm, I think you intentionally set me, this bomb, off by pouring drinks into my system, because you enjoy so much me exploding everywhere in the club, hopping on things, jumping up and down, showing off my weird moves and my ass. 

Husband: Ya of course, it's a controlled situation, a controlled bomb. Or else the bomb could explode somewhere else and cause a lot of harm. I'm merely doing a service for the society.