2022-5-26

First time dyeing my hair. A time mark I guess. 

Was kind of a weird experience, messed up here and there, left black marks all over my face, arms and clothes... My mom came to help me comb through, what a warm feeling... They being stuck here all these months started to have some promising effect on them. I guess they are much calmer now, as well as started to appreciate more and understand more about freedom, especially compared to what's happening in Shanghai. That day I had a pretty sweet little shopping time with my mom, felt the mother-daughter love that went on and off for a long while. Quite magical actually... 

I was not sure if I applied the gel to all areas, maybe would turn out to be uneven colored... After washing, my hair looked exactly the same, did I fail to apply any color or did I pick the exact same color as my original? Looks like gray and white hairs are indeed covered, but really, didn't feel like I had ever dyed them...

Husband been nagging me about dyeing my hair for months. Somehow this Indian man really loves long black hair. If it's not too much or an out-of-line effort to comply, you rather want a husband who is obsessed obsessed obsessed with your body. If he wants long pretty hair, then let's have long pretty hair. At least for all of the other parts, whatever I have is killing him 24/7. Men, such innocent primal animals. 

But it also bothers me a lot! There is definitely some kind of male-magnetic installed in me when I was born. I really couldn't understand why it always always always goes in that direction! I was always the main topic of chitchats, the center of all kinds of rumors. When we were kids then you can say it's just a kid thing, "because some of the real popular boys 'love' her, so all of them fancy her". The "NOs" and "SORRYs" I had to give on daily basis...

Because of all that nonstop dramas not made by me but triggered by me, I learned to lower my head and avoid all unnecessary contact. Now, before anyone gets closer than 5 steps, I would squint my eyes and shake my head as a warning. Most of the time, I pretend I can't sense anything, turn my head and push them away. But alas, how obvious they all are, how obvious... If you can't have me, you will get hurt eventually. And I really really hate to hurt anyone. I have never ever taken advantage of this, never played anyone, always honest and kind, how decent that is right?...

In China, at least there is a stigma against married women. They are viewed as "taken", "used", "not pure", and "too much trouble". But in a lot of societies, men don't give a shit! They don't give a shit about if they are married or if you are married, if they have kids or if you have kids, if you are 20 years older or they are 20 years older. They think they are charming, smart and deserving, if they just let out their charm, they will get it. 

Can you imagine if I was a dude, I would have all these pretty chicks crying their lungs out to have one night with me, and as a single man, I happily comply, just to make them all happy. 

Humans so weird!

How I wish a stay-home mom's life could be confined inside her home! But I have to go out there and meet all these beautiful people. They see me and... Hey, maybe I am just a genuine and kind person who is happy with what she has, ok? Why men always so confident that they might be better than my husband? What? Indian guys can't be cool and sexy? Why young lads would assume if women my age dress up in cute dresses then it's for attracting them, who are 10+ younger?! It's my last day in school, I dressed up so cute, for my 25 children in the class, didn't think that much, and didn't have time to change, ok? 

Men so weird! It bothers me! Europeans are crazy, always have been like this, even the Germans... 

Anyways... Super excited to go back to Europe after 13 freaking years!!! Gonna have so much fun with Chinu, she would need this particularly wild sister-in-law to unleash her inner demon and achieve the next level of self-respect and confidence! ha!

One of a kind playdate

Just had one of the strangest playdates.... well, don't want to seem narrow-minded, but, is this what people do? I have no freaking clue, nobody ever taught me anything, nobody is there to discuss any of this with me and pass the wisdom, and there's no guidebook for stay-home moms and dads...

I think it's absolutely normal, it's what moms and dads do all around the world, arrange playdates for kids, right? It's just that today is swimming. Well, we do a lot of swimming/splashing playdates in our own community swimming pool with tons of families in the summer! I guess that when I go as one member of a family group, it feels more natural. Your husband or sister-in-law or sister-in-law's husband is always there to be with you.

So today it was just me and a stay-home dad...We've been going on playdates almost every week for a few months now. J has been arranging all those playdates. Usually, it's four families, 3 stay-home moms, and 1 stay-home dad. But sometimes it was just me and J because the other 2 moms couldn't make it. This week the other moms couldn't make it again, J knew we would be flying out on Thursday so he asked me if I wanted to come to their swimming pool today since their swimming pool just opened over the weekend. Well, why not? My daughter loves swimming, I do too, and we have nothing else to do. 

I think it's really very normal, it's just that people from certain cultures might go through some thought process when it comes to events involving both genders. And people who live in different parts of the world like India or South Korea might not run into such situations. 

But stay-home moms and dads, right? The most powerless and harmless category of people, no income, no social recognition, the entire security depends on the breadwinner of the household... Although J was an engineer at NASA, only because his wife is a surgeon, he decided to take care of the two sons instead of letting work steal away the most precious experience of being a parent. 

I did resist the urge to feel weird about it. I'm an open-minded person who lives in 2022, why can't I go swimming with my child's friend's dad? Plus we've truly become good friends, we share stories, parenting experiences and tips, also social and cultural stuff. Since the daddy is half Japanese half Chinese, and mommy is Vietnamese, our families share a very similar culture. J does know a lot of stuff I'm talking about like the Asian history, what's happening in China, how Japan is, current geopolitics etc. Plus he looks like one of my old classmates, very Japanese too, that gives me a sense that I'm hanging out with my hometown folks. When I'm in China, we do hang out no matter where for all kinds of social events and don't feel weird about it right? Because we grew up together!

I don't understand why a stay-home parent has to be a woman and what if it's a man, like J, then he doesn't get a chance to make friends and enjoy the lonely parenting time with other stay-home parents? Why there should be a potential to view such playdates as not appropriate? How society puts all that weird stuff into people's minds, is absolutely sinister.

Luckily we don't live under anyone's watchful eyes, really we are making rules ourselves every step of the way. And I wish there would be more stay-home dads in the world to wash away the stay-home mom stigma. As a result, it could be a much more healthy and happy community which is so crucial to children's development. 

If I was this strong and experienced years ago, I would have figured out a better way to be with my professor instead of running away and continuing to make a difference in the world. Anyways, part of the learning, part of the life. Just a thought. 

Future

First time ever being a baseball coach. So lucky to have such a great team. All boys are super sweet, respectful and hardworking! They improved so much in 3 months' time, all of us were super amazed. I loved being their coach, cheered so hard for them, loved all of them so much... Now our team as a big family, will continue to have playdates and baseball practices together. 

Wanna know our racial origins? 3 white families, 3 Mexican families, 1 Middle East family, 1 Southeast Asian - Mexican mixed, 1 white - Mexican mixed, 1 white - Tanzanian mixed, 1 Chinese - Indian mixed. This is the true face and future of America.

Definitely Not these Evil Dinosaurs 

Iron Sky

"...we find gods and religions

to paint us with salvation 

but no one 

no nobody 

can give you the power

a dream that cannot breathe 

mass confusion spoon fed to the blind 

to define our cold society

from which we'll rise 

over love 

over hate 

through this iron sky 

that's fast becoming our minds 

over fear 

into freedom

no nobody 

can give you the power

over fear

into freedom"

Childbirth traumas, menstruation, birth control and all that [Roe v. Wade No.2]

When I was visiting China in 2017, right before we flew back to US, I got a copper ring inserted into my uterus. At that time my daughter was more than one year old, I and my husband decided no more children and China was THE world's number one birth control country till then (now China flipped 360° because the shortage of Domestic Infant Supplies). 

Seen OBGYN many times, did ultrasound too, looks like it should be ok for me to keep this life-saving copper ring until the time is up for my uterus. Damn, that's what I'm gonna do and you have no idea how empowered I feel just because there is a little ring in me preventing me from getting pregnant. 

Before the birth of my children, I used oral birth control pills for years, sometimes I missed more than two, Raj had to rush to grocery store for plan B. And we were scared to the bone each time! We were poor students ran off against both sides' family's will for love. We were trying to get permission and eventually a wedding over the course of 5 years. 

If, if I didn't have access to contraceptive pills, plan B, luckily accidental pregnancy never happened, but if I didn't have access to legal and safe abortion procedures, my life can be completely different today. I might even not have a life anymore. And surely I wouldn't have the healthy, strong and smart children I have today. 

The importance of safe contraceptive and abortion methods to a woman's life, dignity and future, I do not understand why it still has to be screamed out by the women, till our lungs out. Have a little mercy on us, don't treat us as mere wombs. 

No matter how many times I have it, I'm to this day still horrified each time to deal with this amount of blood. How it gushes out from my vagina, how sometimes it gets messed up in layers of underwear, pants, bed sheets and mattress, and gets messed up in my hands and fingers, and places in toilet..... 

A short moment I gave birth to Aditi, for no reason I started bleeding out, I was still heavy on epidural so didn't feel a thing, only that maybe my legs and body were shaking. Nurses and then doctors ran in immediately after calling each other once they noticed the blood dripping down the sheets and bed... they did something I couldn't recall, after some time the situation was under control, nothing spiraled and luckily I didn't bleed out to death or needed blood transfusion... I was almost needing it though, they were monitoring the situation by the seconds... if that happened in today's Shanghai, my bleeding might never be stopped.... just a thought... 

And the birth of my first? Something to do with mothers' hormones so you forget all that pain once you have the baby in your arms. Without those hormones, I might be scarred for life psychologically. It took me 3 days to open up to 10 cm, 3 freaking days, 72 hours of enormous pain and slient + outloud screaming. 

Because it's the first, I endured the pain without pain medication to let my cervix naturally open to full, so I can have a vaginal birth which is considered better for my recovery, breastfeeding, bonding with baby right after birth and all that (although for a lot women it's not up to them, surgical procedures save lives therefore I'm always grateful for modern medicine). Until I completely broke down at the 62nd hour mark. My body was not anymore in any circumstance able to carry on without medicinal interference. With the help of pitocin and epidural, my body finally was relaxed. 3 bags full of urine was out through tube, and after 7, 8 hours of lying in bed, my cervix was open to 10 cm. 

Because of all the 3 days of pressure from contraction plus a big tear and cut while pushing out my baby boy, my outward part of the reproduction system was massively traumatized. I was in bruise and pain for at least 8 months if not longer. My husband was kind enough to let me rest and recover. My inward part of the reproduction system also traumatized, I had nonstop bleeding for more than 60 days or so. It was like nonstop light to medium menstruation for 2 months. But with the infant by your side, your body was forced to forget all that pain so only pass security and happiness to the baby and get ready at any minute to protect the baby. 

Don't ridicule people when they think any pregnancy could be a risk of death to the mother. There's nothing more true than that in this world. The temporary passion/lust/commitment of men to help take care? In a lot cases, all those either illusion or short-lived, if without years of mental, emotional and financial preparation. 

And the psychological trauma posted to mothers? Don't even get me started...hormones went rollercoaster rides, even healthy bodies and minds take mountains to adjust and digest. That's why it's so common for women to be on depression pills postpartum. 

For me, I went nuts and bananas, both pregnancies. After all these years, everything was a blur for me. I was in a trance I don't think my mind was in a place to realize it was kinda-nuts and I was not in any way a clear state to express it with sensible words. 

How did I get out of it? Absolutely no idea, maybe because babies now grow up a little, much less dependent on me. Or have I ever gotten out of it? All of the trauma I endured simply because of this female body from a child who endured sexual molestation at 8 years old to a woman who gave birth to 2? For most of my life, you can easily use the word "disoriented" to describe me, no matter what role I'm playing at what moment. 

So please don't easily go around and ridicule women to be nuts, crackheads, dumb, dramatic and all that. Life has its extra weight on women, you haven't experienced it doesn't mean nonexistent. And the ability to feel the other's pain even if it's parallel to your universe, it's called being humane.

2020s' Series of Letters: Letter No. 3 to my daughter - May 2022 [Roe v. Wade No.1]

My dear daughter,

Mama has been quite down lately. Couldn't sleep tonight. 

You woke up in the middle of the night calling for me, so I just came to sit in your blanket, listen to you and your brother's deep breaths, and try to write. 

I haven't planned to write you anything about women or feminism this early. Maybe for formal introductions, we should still set it up when you are a bit older. 

Tonight just let me share a moment with you.

What's going on in the world has never once passed without leaving a mark on my internalization. I guess this is a very common human trait since humans are social animals. 

But maybe mama belongs to the kind of people who feel much more deeply and intensely, compare to most of the human population. And I have always been open.

Don't get me wrong, I take no shame in being so. 

Shame is a custom-made tool for the "stronger" half to harness the "weaker" half. [The half-half split is defined by gender here. There are uncountable categorizations done among humans, we can get into them one by one in the future.]

No human being is born with the concept of shame, it was seared in with years of grooming and molding. From the power upper hand to the designated "inferior". 

Therefore at this moment in mama's life, I am pretty proud of myself that I have scraped off the old scar marks and overwritten on top. 

Or have I? 

Spiraled from a split second of hesitation to a rattling sensation from somewhere deep inside, I didn't think this could be one of the scenarios. 

I guess the iron chains once were on our and our ancestors' necks haven't been moved too far away from the chests. 

Amidst the agonizing disappointment, out of nowhere, I found myself self-blaming for having not as strong a voice in this fight, because of the specific social position I chose 8 years ago - a stay-home mom who is conventionally reviewed as without any "admirable" career. 

I have always regarded this move as a resolution. I have never before felt an inch shorter for my sound choice. 

But tonight, I have been consciously juggling the "what-ifs", with a tingling sense of regret.

My professor was ready to hand me down the organization, he really did try everything to change my mind. The fascinating places I could have traveled to, the powerful people I could have conversed with, the talks and speeches I could have shared, the say and hand to play I could have had in that field today, wouldn't those make me 100 times heavier and louder in this fight? 

What so stubbornly got into my mind that I could leave all that behind without a blink of an eye? Why wasn't I lured by the promised achievements that most people can't even reach a portion of? 

I guess you already know the answer.

It's you. I chose you.

Don't worry, after finishing writing this letter, that tiny bit of "tingling sense of regret" will surely pass. It was merely a byproduct of misery at this specific period of time.

And what has been roaring so loudly from my heart, has never and could never change - a mother's full dedication to raising up her children and the utter satisfaction that comes with it.   

Then what am I so inconsolable for? 

Maybe mama just needs a moment, a moment to reset.

My sweetest baby girl, mama can't apologize enough for not giving you life in the form that comes with natural and manmade upper power; mama can't agonize enough for the foreseeable moments you're gonna need so to continue walking, simply because of something that was not up for you to choose. 

But I do wish you resilience, I do wish you persistence. For these two qualities, not only you are unbelievably fortunate to be blessed with from the day of your birth, they are also the most important key ingredients to turn the tide and change course. 

My sweet baby girl, when you are ready, just go out there and make the world see and listen. Mama wishes you unapologetically successful. 

And mama wants you to remember that I will forever be the shoulder for you to cry on, lean on, and stand on. 

Written on the 3rd day of US Supreme Court abortion draft leak that indicated future overturn of Roe V. Wade. 

Love forever

May 6th 2022