藏人

来纳帕葡萄酒之城泡天然的温泉，在酒店游泳池看到一家藏人，爸爸妈妈和一个八九岁的女儿。妈妈不停地对着爸爸讲话，我仔细一听，没几句就听出来了，他们是藏人。可能和自己看过比较多纪录片以及平时有关注藏人权益，打心底喜欢藏传佛教有关；另外以前住伯克利的时候也浅交过几个藏人的妈咪朋友；加上我会印地语，也经常听尼泊尔挚友讲家乡话，对喜马拉雅那带的语言体系算是比较熟悉。印度老公觉得他们可能是东南亚的，马来西亚菲律宾之类。我一口咬定，不，他们是藏人，说的是藏语。

儿子女儿一下就和另外那个女孩玩起来了，在游泳池里一起玩耍，叽哩呱啦说着加州口音的英语。不论爸妈来自哪里，三个孩子的第一身份自然都是美国人。在美国，每个人都可以保持自己原生或其父母祖辈原生的文化与身份，他们的与众不同正是其人生的无价瑰宝。来自世界各洋各洲却融洽共处，法律保护个体的权利以及人与人之间的平等。也许当时当下我们所处的这个共同空间，就是我们之间最大的关联。

而藏人，作为中国汉人的我自然与他们也是千丝万缕纠缠瓜葛在一起的。但我想，联系我们的不是华汉疆土的进退推演，不是华夏文明的悠长历史，更不是现任政权的野蛮霸道。藏人，有自己悠久的历史文化，被殖民前曾有独立的政体，并且有其独立的、被称之为世界之精神圣殿的信仰体系。也许冥冥之中联系着我们的，是这段侵略凌辱的孽缘。我作为侵略国的成员，能够看见他们，看见他们的历史，同理他们的处境，就是我与他们之间的纠缠瓜葛。

白纸革命之前我从未敢去想象一个未来的中国，民主的、自由的中国。但自从敢于去“看见维吾尔人”，敢于去“正视藏人”之后，偶尔会思绪飘远开去。也许是我们的下一代吧，他们坐在一起，平等对话，制定宪法。他们对话各族，商讨国家存在的形式。也许是“联邦中国”吧，各州各族自治，设定本州本族自己的宪法，藏人维吾尔人蒙古人香港人，等等等等，获得最大程度自治。又或许是其它形式的存在，只要能让老百姓好好生活自由信仰就可以。

但我知道，我们这代应该是赶不上这个讨论了，每代人都自有每代人的责任。刘晓波那代青年让我们知道了中国青年的傲骨，之后的那几十年父母辈们含辛茹苦实现了物质上的积累，给了我们机会看看外面的世界。那么轮到我们这代人履行责任的时候，大胆勇敢地不停往前推进就是我们可以用几十年来做的事情。相信终有一天，时机会成熟，努力没有白费，我们的下一代，下下一代，会等来坐在谈判桌上协力起草属于这片土地上所有人民的宪法的一天。

“你和你的孩子说的是什么语言？” “我们说的是普通话。你呢？除了英文你还会什么语言？” “哦，我也是在中国里面的，但是我不会说普通话。” “藏语，你说的是藏语，我知道。藏语很美，好好学，能会藏文更棒。” 女孩和我对话起来。

三个孩子上周都去看了“阿凡达-水之道”，大声聊起了里面的故事。“你们知道‘阿凡达’是梵文/印地语吧？这个单词是从印度来的。” 我介绍说。“是吗？” 女孩回答，“我是在印度出生的。” “哦！你是在印度出生的！”

再后来在热的温泉池子里，我、女孩的父亲、还有一位刚来的印度年青人，我们三个大聊特聊了起来，绿卡、签证、各国移民政策、各地旅游推荐等等。女孩的父亲在来美国之前在印度东北部的省生活了二十二年，2019年来的美国。“那你们现在还经常回印度吗？”我问。“会的，还有一些亲人在印度。其实我的很多家人在中国。” “真的吗？你的家人还在中国？那你是怎么出来的？” “我十四岁的时候告别了父母，1997年，和一群藏人在高山里走了一个月时间的路，从西藏边境偷偷到印度来的。到印度之后一直拿的是庇护身份，后来遇到妻子，她家人都已经在美国了，所以有了女儿之后我们三个就一起来了美国，还有几年我也会换到美国护照。二十二年我走遍了印度东西南北各地！ 印度真是个美好的地方，每个地方都有不同的人种、不同的文化、不同的语言和不同的宗教！我真的走遍了印度的每个角落，印度真的很自由，每个人都保存了属于自己的文化！” “是这样的，我也认为印度的民族与宗教多样性是世界独一无二的，我也常常为之感到骄傲！”我补充。那位来自德里的印度年青小伙在一边听得直感叹。

原来我和今天碰到的藏人的关联，不止是中国，不止是美国，更是印度。国与国之边境，政府之间的敌我，关不住人对自由向往的天性，也关不住人与人之间的温情与交融。

愿天下苍生皆获自由，愿地上人间温暖常驻。🙏

2022.12.25

It's not the length but how we spent the time here. Never really pictured a tedious lengthy life, now I have the two of them, just want to make sure they can grow up to be strong enough, strong enough to deal with life themselves. I refuse to let one day go by without making my mark here, because I've never intended to stay here for that long. It's always been the reason. My mark? None of us will ultimately be heavier than a dust, will we? No matter how much you think of yourself. I'm ready to go, since long time ago. I just can't let people around me suffer, so I'll go when they could be ready one day, or not. Who's ever ready for life? Not much here to linger, isn't it? Not much. I will go in the lightness of a breeze, just like how I came, in the lightness of a breeze. 

YT post

This is for my English readers: I know, I haven't been updating English content regularly, now suddenly 2 weeks of holidays are here and I'm still working like crazy on processing Chinese content. I received a large amount of information in my Wechat account in Jan 2020 but I was scared and my mind was still in the CCP cage, locked up. Never dared to share all that crucial information about the outbreak of COVID in Wuhan, at the right beginning so to sound alarm to the world, to buy some time. Have never really found peace in myself because of that. 

So after A4 Revolution, that line was crossed, that line they use intimidation and red horror to keep us in, we crossed it. We are rid of fear now. Therefore this time, I'm doing this for documenting history, documenting my time, I'm doing this as well as for myself. I'm posting all the anti-CCP, anti-XJP, anti-authoritarian and anti-tyranny content with pride, dignity and peace in my heart. 

It's ultimately my duty as a Chinese. And in such darkness, the only way for me to not fall into my own dark and sad abyss is to fight back, bite back, kick back, do something, anything, every day, every minute. 

I never really like all that gift and party stuff, like a normal girl. Never held a birthday party for my kids so now they are also not invited to others' parties. I felt good that I hurt my knee at this time so that became my legit excuse to be away from all that. Just quickly send over digital gift cards to teachers and coaches because they worked so hard, they deserve it. I will never be your ideal gf, fiancé, wife, will I? But kids in school did miss me and they (with help of teachers and family) prepared me a lot of gifts... I just can't wait to go back after new year and read and sing songs to them. Make them happy and help them grow. 

So ya, if you ask me what I'm up to during the winter holidays, nothing much at all, just browse the net, filter information, and post them. We were supposed to be in India this week though, couldn't get my entry Visa. And this is after 14 years married to an Indian citizen and 8 times being there. Systems are always oppressing, systems that leave people chances to consolidate power from it, any sort of power.

Will give you English readers (not many I assume) an update once a while like this, moving forward. Sometimes video too, of course. Ya, I'm here, I'm still here, not going anywhere. I'm just here fighting back, biting back, kicking back, in my own adorable ways. Lol.

Ciao, see you next year! Stay safe and healthy!!!

2022-12-17

I think on the phone I said they should come to my place like last week, then when I sent the messages asking if we could come over instead, it doesn't sound good huh? I would never think that much though. It would never be because when they helped me last weekend "there was something wrong they did". I have been feeling so happy and grateful for all that Sabrina did for me, I told everyone about it! And we truly survived on the food they all made for us.

I guess "don't want the house to be messy before Raj comes so he doesn't get agitated" doesn't sound so common huh? Maybe it's something only in my mind, it doesn't resonate with other people at all, no? 

"No no, of course not because of what you did! I would never think that way!!! I'm just worried that kids' toys everywhere, books scattered around, beddings not changed, piles of clothes not folded, kids' closets messy, these would make Raj agitated! And I wouldn't ask you to arrange kids' closets for me right? That's too much, you already did so much for me! I think I'm just nervous about Raj coming back home because guess what, the kids and I lived very freely for the past week. We went to Safeway many times to drive that wheelchair electric cart, we slept together in the same bed for all the nights, some days Aditi went to school without tying her hair. I changed Aditi's bedsheets today morning, very slowly but I managed. Will change my own bedsheets tomorrow so Raj won't be agitated. And most probably the three of us will go get a haircut tomorrow so our hair doesn't look so messy. I just want to be mind-free about arranging and cleaning my own house because only a little I can do. That's why we just want to go mess up your house!"

Obviously Sabrina eventually understood what I meant, and of course "it's not right for Raj to be agitated" is a very good thing to say to a girlfriend. The thing is, I don't even know if Raj would be agitated, I'm just scared that he would. So concerned that I rather not having people over so not to give him chance to be mad at me.

Why? Was he mad at me a lot? I don't know, maybe, I don't keep track on such things, but looks like I'm really concerned... Maybe he wasn't mad at me, I don't think he is ever angry with me, it's just that he always has something to say, do this do that, why not do this why not do that. And when work stress comes, sometimes it sounds angry, not to me obviously, to the situation and stress in general. And he knows I wouldn't mind and can take whatever. What he wants me to be, I can be. Whenever he wants it, I'm there. I guess my support always was very crucial to his mental health and right perspective, deep down he is dependent on that.

But am I truly affected by the stress he passes to me? I would say, hmm, hardly. I might be unconsciously trying to maintain a space that he feels comfortable with, as part of my duty of being in a relationship, but my freedom and space of growth is well respected and protected. I think at the end of the day, that's all I care about. As long as I am free from the financial pressure and get to do whatever the heck I want for whatever reason, I'm all good.

Anyways, I always have way bigger issues to worry about, daily life things don't bother me that much. And I'm happy about this state of mind, so mature, lol!!!

I know

Do you know that with each post published, I am saying Goodbye to my life in China, saying Goodbye to the people who are my relatives and friends; I'm saying Goodbye to the chance of being welcomed by my family and old friends, walking in the streets of the beautiful cities, my cities.

33 years ago thousands of Chinese youth did exactly the same, some of them even said Goodbye to their precious lives. 

But I won't choose otherwise, just like the thousands, maybe tens of thousands of us today. Because I simply cannot bear to see more despair, helplessness and all that cruelty. 

I have to do something, at least I have to speak up, I have to show to them: "See, don't be afraid, I'm not afraid. See, I am here, I'm supporting you in my way. I can see you, I am seeing you, I am with you." Like the many of brave ones who showed us their courage. 

Of course I want to go back, of course I miss my family. Of course I worry about my parents. Worry about if they would get into trouble, if they would have a peaceful old age without disturbance. At least I have no siblings, no niece or nephew who could be held hostage. 

But it's my duty, my duty as a human being with dignity, my duty as a privileged child born in a privileged time, my duty as a mother to all the innocent children who didn't want to be born into cages, my duty as a woman who deserve to be treated with respect and decency. 

One should never escape one's duty. And I realized, my life is made for this, for fulfilling my duty. I don't believe I should ever only live for myself. My life has always been for the others, as a daughter, as a wife, as a mother, as a friend. I will keep on burning myself to give out that little bit of light and warmth, this is the proof and meaning of my existence. 

Yes, once I have been here too, I have cried my nights out, I have walked side by side with you, I have kept my fire on and I have held my head high. 

2022-12-10

Finally get a little time to write up something. What a dream, the last 2 weeks, I wish I would never wake up from it. Maybe I never need to, the world changed drastically for Chinese like me, and I will never get back. I will never go back, go back to being fearful, being cautious, being sad and angry. I will keep on fighting, no matter what. Not for myself, but for all the people who are suffering. If I don't fight, then who would help them? I have to fight, I won't give myself choices. 

Hurt my knee while skiing, Raj is right now in India traveling. Was thinking how to drop off and pick up the kids to and from school, realized that even though there were so many really close and trustworthy friends, people live fairly far away from each other. The most we arranged Sunny to drop them off every morning, Sunny doesn't pick up his own daughter right after school, so I planned to take Uber to pick mine up. But then on Friday before Raj went to India, I tried out driving Tesla myself, it worked, my knee was absolutely fine. 

Leena and Noah are here for two days to cook, clean and take care of the kids for me. Sabrina and Devi will be here tomorrow, bring food for the week and us three girls will chill and drink wine, husbands will clean and watch the kids. I really can't feel more lucky to have all these kind and beautiful women in my life, Leena, Sabrina, Devi... Lol both Sabrina and Devi got hooked up, happily, by us, in our apartment, on our second-hand couch, when we were still wild 20 something. After all these years, none of us changed, always this wild, extremely wild, crazy, truly crazy, meanwhile kind, really kind, generous, genuinely generous, plus hard working and capable. Lol both Sabrina and Devi are PhDs, but I will say, ya, ya, but I work with my professor my whole life! Oh I feel so connected to each one of them... Been thinking about Yanyi a lot, can't wait for her to come back here. Raj and Panda's startup is going really good, they're gonna spend a whole week in India. Maybe it's fated this way because how connected Yanyi and I are! Chantelle and I are connected too, I love her deeply, but ya, it is what it is, I will surely continue to be in her life as a great friend to love and support her. Man I really love all of them so much, maybe I was LGBTQ last life. 

A lot people got concerned about my injury. I'm so sorry to put up everything in social media, what can I do, it's just me. I was posting it for fun, nothing else. Then messages came, some were formally greeting, some were... hey, I know, but it was really long time ago when we secretly had a crush on each other, I thought both of us moved on? I guess sometimes we just have to co-exist under the current circumstance. Definitely not only me, but many more people than I could imagine have to continue life with suppressing part of them, deep down. Luckily once I see a happy wife and a beautiful baby, whatever was there that made my heart jump, disappears in a split second, nothing as such would linger. Guess my empathy, love and responsibility to women and children overpowers everything. I should maintain my style of dealing with things I assume, always throw myself out there, never hold back, never hide, never pretend, after trying my best, accepts whatever it comes and, and cast it all away. Move on, never linger, move on, never linger. 

Just that I've been feeling guilty I didn't take T with me to the new Wechat account when I knew I would be blocked. We were in good terms, friends who can talk. Now I don't know how to find him. If he knew Raj was so careless with me, he would beat him up good lol, at least take me out for ice cream... Maybe one day he will find me. Maybe one day China will be free and we will have no wall between us any more. Everything is possible now, I am hopeful. And I know I can never go back there anymore as long as CCP stays in power. But I will go back, within my lifetime, to a free China, a brand-new China.

Ready for the Fight

What a dream! What happened in China for the past week, I've never imagined could happen within my lifetime. 

Because of my prior personal experience as a "Cultural Revolution 2.0" victim, massive online bullying & violence over 13+ years, today I'm 1000% ready when the real wave finally hit the shore. I have absolutely zero fear left in any part of my body, ZERO. 

My personal platforms are built over the years, therefore overnight, I find myself using skills in collecting and verifying information, making multimedia content, plus being authentic and outspoken, to Amplify the voices of the brave Chinese who finally decided to step up, facing off the ruthless authoritarian regime. 

I'm holding up my A4 paper, as high as possible, in my way. 

Two things we've realized after the past week: 

1. As long as we rid of the fear and become brave, you'll see they are not even 0.1% as strong and brave as us, complete cowards, shameful idiots; 

2. I'm never alone, we're never alone. There are so many of us thinking about the exact same thing for years, some of us dared to speak up, and some of us didn't. But when I look back, all those lonely moments when I thought I was "too stupid to not pretend", "too naive to speak out whatever was in my mind", I was a fucking hero. 

Guess what, I have never really faced any concrete life threat but there are so many Chinese inside China, they have disappeared, killed, locked up in prison and tortured, still, they stepped out and told the truth. They are the true heroes, they gave us all courage. If people like me who are comfortably hiding in democratic countries still won't step out and fight for other people's rights, I have no more words for such cowardice and selfishness. 

So ya, I'm blown away by what's happening and filled with hope for seeing a China that could be free one day. But I'm not forgetting my promise of posting bikini photos! Here are some photos we took right before the A4 Revolution in China. 

Also, I'm showing you what I've been doing and will be doing on my YouTube: sharing words I think it's important for Chinese to see and hope they pass over to more Chinese who need courage and affirmation.