why I love you so much?
why I'm so infatuated with you?
why I can never get enough of you?
because I'm always naked walking around?
because I don't have a care for nothing?
because I'm kind, gentle & confident?
aha!
because free spirited a woman I am!
喜欢和印度老公在一起，因为我喜欢在他身边的那个版本的自己。
很多印度人骨子里自由、包容，因为他们价值观／宗教观的中心是多神、多元、多样：没有谁规定你去信奉谁、怎么信奉，你想信什么就信什么，不想信什么就不信什么，男神、女神、guru(古鲁）、山川、河流、大树、动物，什么都可以成为你精神追求的载体。
人生不过是一段生于自然、死于自然的旅程，让冥想、静默、思考和瑜伽丰富你的精神，让对 enlightenment 的向往成为你超脱凡俗、实现精神升华的动力。
所以只要印度人成长的土壤是良性的，他们很容易成为非常宽容的个体，像海一样能够纳百川，像没有边界的平台，眼界与见识可以不停向外延伸与扩展，保持好奇心，保持谦卑心，保持热情度。
与你同走的人生路是一段共同成长并一起去探寻与发现的冒险。每天和自己的探险搭档在一起，不断在新的世外桃源里惊叹世界之大、赞叹美竟有如此无限多的定义，生活当然充满了乐趣与期待。
[The Three Most Serious Retrogressions of Civilization in Chinese History]
1. Qin destroyed the six kingdoms, causing the Chinese people's ideological realm to fall from the peak of contention among a hundred schools of thought, and there has been little achievement in the past two thousand years;
2. Mongolia destroyed the Song Dynasty, the iron cavalry stepped on it, the people with lofty ideals were slaughtered, and the Chinese popularity and creativity ceased to exist;
3. The Cultural Revolution eliminated etiquette and human relations, and the Chinese lost their independent personality and became spiritually empty walking corpses.
It is unbelievable that the three culprits in the textbook are all great men. (Translated by Google)
【中国历史上最严重的三次文明倒退】 一、秦灭六国，使中国人的思想境界从百家争鸣高峰坠落，两千年来几无建树 二、蒙古灭宋，铁骑踏过，仁人志士屠戮殆尽，中国人气节和创造力不复存在 三、文革，消灭礼仪人伦，中国人独立人格丧尽，沦为精神空虚的行尸走肉。匪夷所思的是：教科书上三个罪魁都成伟人
----
But we live on and we keep learning, we learn to be free spiritually and be free in spirits, we learn to be strong enough so to stay kind and stay open, we learn to discover ourselves, find out who we were in past and figure out who we want to be in future.
It's okay to be without a glorious history, without existing forms or norms that could profoundly define who we are, as long as we keep the most valuable human traits alive: curiosity, creativity, compassion, empathy, and the will to be free.
I swear I haven't seen such a ferocious face for years. Life here is peaceful, people live in calm rhythm, minding their own business, enjoying the small pleasures of being. But some of those who are freshly off the boat from China, they bite and bark for no reason, eyes filled with distrust, suspicion and hatred, revealing their sharp teeth to anyone passing by so to capture the higher ground better for attack.
Yes, Shiva should have by himself gone to the man's and showered there. He's not mentally ready yet, sometimes he gets super scared and runs back to women's to find me, plus Raj was not there toady. They quickly got inside the curtain and quietly doing their own business behind it. This Chinese women heard me speaking Chinese to them, when I was putting down fresh clothes on the bench near her, she started speaking Chinese to me. I looked at her, her eyes fixed on mine, widely open, like two big dark balls mounted in a hollow shadowy face, filled with disgust, contempt and the urge to rule and control. I tried to converse and explain, she couldn't stop herself giving out a complete lecture. I thought she was going to skin me with her teeth and eat me alive. She accused us as if my tall son was waving his hairy grown penis at her naked daughters. Truth was their shower rooms were at least five rooms apart, my son was completely unseen behind the curtain as her daughter, two of her other daughters were fully dressed and playing around outside. If my son was going to step out of the shower, he would be fully wrapped up in a shower towel. Unlike his mom, sometimes loves to dress up in the open, maybe her daughter should take a look at me and learn something about women's body and the beauty derived from confidence. What a close-minded ignorant Asian Karen.
She thought she could intimidate me like how she intimidates people who weren't brought up among gangsters. Truth is CCP is the biggest gangster on Earth, if you are so used to stomp around, bully the weak and order with your chin, you think you would be the only person who knows how to operate such a mode? The difference between us is, I have, since my childhood, chosen to stand on the side of the weak and low, and acted as their shield, a very effective one, because I came from your side. You really think I don't possess the mode that you are constantly on? I keep it off at all times and rarely switch it on, because I am kind and sweet.
Earlier today I was just chatting with Raj about my first arrival to France. First time flying out of the palms of my parents, didn't possess much of life skills, only the will to see the world. My dad spent a lot on the Chinese-studying-in-France agency so my student visa was done properly, and I had a local guide to find me a housing before school and would walk me through things such as grocery, transportation, school registration etc. I think he came to Lille train station to pick me up. How did I get out of Charles de Gaulle Airport by myself, got a train ticket to Lille? I don't have absolutely any memory left for that. Maybe some guide in Paris picked me up and helped me with train ticket and luggages? Anyways. The place the Lille guide found me was an okay apartment, but I was under the impression that I should be only charged for 150 euros per month? Why they asked for 300? That was RMB 1500 more each month, are you kidding me? 1500 RMB could feed a whole family for 2 months! I right away went into my gangster mode, a go-to mode in China for self-protection. Hadn't I ever experienced that society in the free world ran under rules and order instead of law of the jungle, no need to show off fists and muscles. Rarely had I tasted the life in a civilized society where business is not operated upon personal relationships but the draft of laws. So I fought, I bit I barked I threatened I showed my claws and teeth, on the first night ever in France. And I accepted 300 per month afterwards because I was all alone in an alien place completely depended on these people who spoke Chinese. As long as nobody trafficking me for sex work or breaking into my room and raping me in the middle of the night, I considered myself lucky.
Next morning I went to buy a long distance phone card for 10 euros, found a booth, pressed a long serial number and my dad's cell number, my parents had been anxiously waiting to know if I landed in France safely and settled down properly, for two whole days. Both my mom and dad were weeping on the other side of the line. I told them I was okay, the place looked safe, the local guide was helpful and I would go to school tomorrow for registration. The only thing was the landlord here asked for a different rent than what we agreed upon. "Just pay them, don't worry about money!" My dad commanded. I didn't cry until I hang up the phone. Even then there was no time and place to cry, didn't want to attract unwanted attention, so I swallowed my tears and toughened up. Through school I changed to a new apartment within weeks, and I quickly found many new friends from all over the world who could help me and get me used to the life in the civilized world. That was the beginning of my journey on the other side of the world.
All in all, I wish that crazy Chinese woman eventually would transition into the peaceful life here and start enjoying little pleasures in life such as golden sunshine and white clouds.
Yen grew up here, she said her childhood was very miserable because at that time this little town was famous for its redneck residents and it was "Super Racist back then". Her exact words. I can't imagine if I was growing up in such environment, what could happen, what kind of a person I would turn into. Maybe because people like me are discriminated on regular basis, name calling, teasing, laughing, shaming, I could never build up that confidence within, so I would also grow to be only capable of loving Asian men or women. The people I hang out with would only be Asians anyway because I won't be accepted by the "naturally beautiful whites" and if I don't stick with my own color I will be abandoned by the only people who truly accept me. Yuck, racism sucks...
Yen came here in a refugee boat from Vietnam when she was 6 months old. Jason's mom was born in a Japanese detention camp too. For Asians, fate could change within two generations. Yen now a OBGYN, Jason before becoming a stay-home dad, worked for NASA. Story for blacks are somehow much different. "The key is in the mentality" I always argue, and Leena would get so upset, she hates it so much whenever I strongly support blacks and natives, which I absolutely don't know why. It's actually a very natural thing among Chinese freedom fighters to stand on the side of the blacks and natives. Chinese got their basic rights catching the free bus of Civil Rights Movement. I look up to black and native freedom fighters, always. I guess I am the only true freedom fighter among all of them, all of our family members. They could stand for some cause, to some degree which is not contradict to their convenience and tranquility. Nobody is like me, I doubt that anyone even truly understands me, sometimes my existence is only causing unpleasant feelings for them. At least I have my prof and my colleagues, at least. I don't have any expectations on anyone anyways, truly. And I won't change for anyone neither.
Yen and Jason bought house in this little town in 2015 even Yen spent all her 20s in UC Berkeley, Boston, India and vowed to never come back, by then things drastically changed. Last 15-20 years the tide has been turning. I couldn't believe there was even a local pride celebration, obviously it has been happening for the past 16 years. Some Asian church people were standing on the opposite side of the road, fiercely protesting against the pride, for hours in the burning sun, waving their banners and shouting at all the cars passing by. No idea what they aimed to achieve and why so much energy generated by hatred. Yen knows a lot of people in the boots, shop owners, artists, a lot of them from her crafting group. There was a drag show too. Minorities understand how minorities feel and what they've been through, so I would always give them the warmest encouragement I could give. It's because the bits and pieces of support I received, some imagined, during the time when I was massively bullied for more than a decade, I survived, didn't ruin my life, didn't kill myself. People are sheep, they are unconsciously compelled to follow the "mainstream" and use that to justify their ignorance, cruelty and lack of compassion for the "marginalized". Pride community is a rare community comprises of people who been there, done those and have woken up from such venomous force of so called "mainstream".
At least I caught the tail of pride celebration this year, San Francisco or Berkeley parades happened during the time when we were traveling in India. Saw a video shared by Chinese girls who study in the west coast, some Chinese feminists went topless in the parade in LA. My type of girl! Chinese women are among the most outspoken feminists I would say, because when suppression and oppression by an authoritarian regime happens, women are in the front line to be crushed, their rights the first to be stripped away -- one of the conversation highlights with my newly acquainted Iranian mommy friend in a classmate's b'day house party. We couldn't stop the exclamation when we reached the conclusion from the exact same path at the exact same pace. What can I say, victims from the "Four Internet Blackholes on Earth" (China, Iran, Cuba and North Korea) think alike, we could be instant buddies. Well, Iranians lead a double life, their brainwashing level is not matchable to China or Cuba or NK's, therefore only the kind of "done with being brainwashed" Chinese or Cubans or NKs could make that instant connection with Iranians I guess. Learned a lot about Iran from my new mommy friend. I should ask her out sometime, just to rant.
I also like to shop locally, to support local business, it's just that I really don't have so much time to discover. So when I saw the boot for handmade body and hair butter, the black girl and her trans-brother introduced the products made by them and their mom, I loved the scent and feel and decided to try and stick to their products. When I run out of the current set, I will go visit their workshop 10 minutes away from my home.
People from a gym boot really wanted to talk to us, the older woman caught Yen to chat, then she turned to me and asked, "You can tag along! How old are you?" "Er... 38..." "Oh??!!8%$^%" She wished to dig a hole and disappear. Then the man who finished talking to the others turned to us, "So you are mother and daughter?" "Oh no... I know, the rainbow I drew on my face is very deceiving..." I also wish to dig a hole and disappear. It's the way I dress up nowadays, it's just my current phase, it could be my under-developed breasts too, well, they fed my two infants for two years each, it makes Raj look like an old rich bald Indian man with a 20-years-younger chick, it could also embarrass two Asian women who hang out together. I don't know Yen so well yet, it's our first time alone, it's always Jason who's been my friend. The last thing I want is to offend her. But seems like she is very secure and confident, don't bother to think twice on petty matters like this, that kind of strong woman I admire. I just want to be with people who accepts me as who I am and even supports it, who has no problem with me feeling comfortable about my own skin no matter what it is. I am also secure and confident and wouldn't think twice on petty matters like ages and looks. I am way too old for childish things like that.
I saw in my dream the local spirits here (I live in California) are in bad shape because they are forgotten. The deities exist wherever your thoughts are. My Shiva, Durga, Mahadevi, Seven Mother Goddesses, Buddha, Guan Yin, Dragon Kings, Earth Goddess and all are with me wherever I go. I want to make the indigenous spirits feel better, so I got a chief's head in Obsidian to keep them spirits in my mind. 🙏
I also got a dream catcher to hang next to my deities' table, I don't intend to filter "bad dreams" of indigenous sipirts, no matter what they have to say to me. It's merely a gesture of gratitude to the people who once existed in this land who created the dream catcher out of goodwill. I keep them and their spirits in my mind. I wish to be open, my eyes, my mind, and my dreams. I wish to hear more of the Great Spirit, the spirits of streams, rivers, oceans, the spirits of trees, flowers, birds and animals, the spirits of four directors, sun, wind, rain and all. 🙏
Can't stop crying reading about them. Program Think has been my hero for more than a decade, the first self-help-anti-brainwashing articles I was lucky to encounter were his. He nourished the minds of a whole generation of Chinese. 😭😭 I pray for his and her safety. Hope one day we could meet inside a Free China 😭😭😭😭 https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/05/world/asia/china-dissident-blog-program-think.html
He stayed hidden and safe all those years, but CCP is too evil....
He often declared in his blogs like drafting a will: "If I didn't come and post on the designated time, there are only three possibilities: one, I'm sick, so sick that I am not able to write anymore; two, I am dead, a sudden death; three, I'm caught." After the blog suddenly stopped updating, millions of fans all over the world instantly realized that he was in trouble. For months, we had been speculating what happened to Program Think. Sometimes during gatherings, before getting into the usual "How'z life?", we inquired each other if anyone knew anything about Program Think. After I reconnected with my prof, one of the first questions I asked him was "Do you know anything?"
I had been feared that the first two possibilities happened and to my death I wouldn't know who Program Think truly was, what kind of a person he/she was. Now we know he was caught and for one good feeling out of all that anger and despair, is to finally know his true story. He has been and will always be the Chinese version of V for Vendetta for us desperate Chinese.
They are originally from Fujian, I'm feeling so proud that I am from the same province as them. Quanzhou is their birth city, next to Xiamen. I visited Quanzhou many times, a lot of my college friends came from there, extremely cute people with strong accent. After he was arrested, Ms. Bei came on Twitter to ask for help. She got international human rights lawyers to help him. One day she also went to Shanghai, somewhere outside the walls of the prison, she used a portable speaker to yell in Southern Fujian dialect, so loud she hoped people inside the prison walls could hear: "People in the world are worried about you and fighting for you. I got you great human rights lawyers. You stay alive and stay well!" Seemed like he heard what she broadcasted and in the following visit with the lawyers, he seemed peaceful and content, even sat with cross-legged.
We all hope that thanks to his beloved wife now his real identity is uncovered and his huge huge international fame and influence, they won't electrical shock him and make him half dead.
On the other hand, Mr. Peng Zaizhou who put up that banner on Beijing Sitong bridge which inspired White Paper Revolution, he only did one thing and there has been no one outside representing him or saying anything about his well-being and whereabouts. Maybe CCP already made him half dead half crazy with torture, electrical shocks and forced drugs.
These are the true heroes and warriors, Chinese have been fighting for freedom for more than a hundred years now. We have always fought, who said Chinese don't fight? It's just so unlucky that we couldn't succeed yet because CCP and communism is truly the worst evil human kind encountered, Russia hasn't gotten out of it as well. But one day, maybe one day, China could also be free. I will never give up that hope and stop my thoughts dreaming about it, because even a thought is a form of resistance and revolt. If we all could keep that thought alive, we will eventually achieve it one day.
"Why it took you so long to come to bed with me? I've been missing you the whole night."
"I was just brushing teeth and washing face, now kids woke up and they need breakfast."
"Just lie down here with me for 10 minutes!"
"Okay okay. You know what happened to me today at 4am?"
"What happened?"
"I dreamt about the spirits here. I think it was one, or two, I don't remember too clearly, but I went inside her place, I was waiting for some information from them, I needed help. I saw their place, not good at all, they are not having a good life at all."
"Oh? The spirits here? Why not good life?"
"Ya the spirits here in this land. Imagine it, before the Europeans wiped out indigenous cultures, the local people here must be living together with the spirits. If you know a little bit about native culture, they have spirits for wind, for water, for sun, for moon, for animals, for plants, for four directions and all. Like you told me before right, native cultures anywhere in the world, respect their own lands and live in balance with nature, either in Africa, the continent of America, India or Asia anywhere. They did not over kill their animals, they did not over kill their plants. And as we are familiar with our own cultures, either Chinese or Indian, spirits are in every being, each tree, each river, each stream, each mountain. Like in Japanese culture, each house has its own house spirit to protect the house and people in it, so you have to announce the arrival and departure to and from the house each time, they still do it. Chinese had very similar culture before CCP, I think it was a common Asian culture, but Japanese did carry it through."
"Yes, I understand. So you are connected to the spirits now?"
"Yes I do. I have always been hyper connected with the different worlds, I kind of always knew it, remember how magical it was when we had our two children? The difference is, now especially after this Indian trip, I can consciously face it without any self doubt, hesitation and I feel very peaceful, natural and real within."
"That's why I follow you for everything. I listen to what you have to say always, no? I always know you are different in this way. It's great that you are connected to spirits, maybe you could ask them if we are in the right track? And you should do more meditation, in that way you can hear more and see more."
"Ya, meditation is what I really want to do more from now. And ya, I'll always discuss with you what I encounter and realize. So go back to the spirits I saw today, they are not in good shape you know."
"So you feeling sad?"
"Ya, a little bit, but we have always known it right? Their cultures wiped out, their people killed, their lands looted. They lived here for thousands of years, some of the tribes were very advanced. Basically the spirits exist for a reason right? In India, the system is perfect for all deity beings, everyone is believing in something - gods, goddesses, spirits of trees, animals, rivers, mountains, a lot of times underworld deities and villains are worshipped too. You do not need to worship every being yourself but once you are in the land of India, you subconsciously know that all beings are respected and valued. Like in ancient China or Japan right? We worship river spirits as River Gods, ocean spirits as Dragon Kings, in the house we worship Kitchen God, Caishen, King Yan, the spirits of ancestors and all. Because we value all of the spirits, the spirits are having a good life in our cultures. They co-exist with us as our own reflection okay? But the spirits here in this land at this moment, they are undervalued, unrepresented, ignored and most disheartenedly, forgotten."
"I'm sorry that you can feel them, I mean I feel sad for them too. It's so magical that you are this way.... You know what, next time we should stay in the Himalayas for two weeks, rent a little house there, you felt the presence of Shiva when in the Himalayas right?"
"Ya, we should surely do that. But human beings like me are not a rare thing okay? In Indian culture you regard intellectual human beings as half deities because of the knowledge they possess, I forgot where I got that information, somehow I got to know this time. And enlightenment does mean normal people achieve the state of knowing through meditation and learning. I think the knowledge I possess does have a positive correlation to what kind of connection I observe myself making, because knowledge opens up your mind and eyes. The divine beings have always been there, the difference is how open your mind is and how wide do your eyes open. I couldn't stress enough how precious India is, the only ancient culture that survived as a complete nation state. Ancient cultures all had strong connections to nature and valued the balance of nature, they all deeply respected feminine power, they all worshipped the presence of multiple types of divine beings, in huge contrast to Abrahamic religions whose legacies are mostly about expansion, destruction, and conversion. Nature for them is merely a resource for further expansion and feminine power is utterly suppressed and undervalued. I just love India so munch."
"And I love you so much. Let's go stay in the Himalayas for two weeks next time!"
Can't believe after a whole week plus, I am not able to shake off jet-lag... Every mid-night either 2am or 3am or 4:30am, my daughter will cry so I will need to assist her pee and poo, sometimes nose bleed, and love her back to sleep. On the days when she wakes me up at 4:30am, after that I won't be able to sleep. Actually every morning around 4:30am I feel alert and awake. In the night from 9pm-ish, I am in my supposed-to-be-at-deep-sleep state, being awake is adding to my bad mood.
4am to 6am in the morning, what a spirited time of the day. I think I just had an half an hour vivid dream about some spirits here who live in this land. Oh man, they don't thrive in good conditions! I clearly saw the dream and woke up remembering it. I mean the spirits, they were kind and helpful but here in the now-Christian land, in Christians' deity realm, there is no democracy but only dictatorship, so only the king and queen and some confidants are well off, most of other spirits are suppressed, oppressed, went in underground and became underdogs. Because of jet-lag, my brain has been very active during 4am to 6am, if I would be in the state of half-asleep, I almost always become the platform of confidence.
Sigh, no place in the world is perfect. I have been feeling homesick for the last few days, I have missed India and my time there. I love to experience a spiritual world when all the gods and goddesses and the underworld spirits are free and live the life they deserve. Throughout day and night, my mind was dancing with them, either asleep or awake, I am existing together with their presence. That was the way I grew up actually, in China, it's essentially the same. I assume Japan, Thailand, Laos etc are the same too where Hinduism-Buddhism are prominent, where "religion" is merely a way of thinking, an awareness of a healthy spirited world that co-exists with us. For the ones who have the ability to feel the spirited world, like an Earther myself, I want to see my deities live in a free world as well, besides wanting to live in a human free world with my own physical form.
They desperately need a second round of renaissance man! For all that was interesting in Europe to see, was the monuments of Greeks' and Romans', when back in the days their deity realm was still free and democratic. I seriously have no idea what got into Constantine's mind, what kind of deal he made with this one male spirit, he single-handedly diminished the light in the land of Europe and made it dark for a thousand years. People still suffer from it, the whole planet still suffer from it, all the colonized lands suffered; all the native cultures suffered, in fact most of them killed off and wiped out; all the darker-skinned humans and their descendants suffered; all the women suffered. Constantine definitely had mother or father issues. History is indeed random, a handful thousands of years could be utterly decided by a tiny emotional trigger marked in one person's brain since one's childhood.
First round of renaissance didn't touch the core, hence came the suffering of the whole planet after them getting out of a thousand-year-long darkness. If ever a second round of renaissance should happen, I wish all of the deities regain their respect and importance, people's mind could be truly free. All in all, our cognition of the deity world is merely a reflection of our own world, maybe nobody will ever know what a true deity world looks like, but what matters is how we perceive and comprehend, it comes back to have real impact on our physical existence.
I don't mind being the platform of confidence actually. Sure, it's noisy, it's crowded, it's busy. But at least they found a place to outlet and a connection to our world too. I just wish that my own deities are here to protect me if anything shall go wrong. Well, they have been and will always be here, I know.
