Today my in-law parents are coming from India, my husband Raj will go to pick them up from San Francisco airport. They are going to stay with us until the beginning of March! We are all excited, we are going to have so much fun.
The other day our Korean Taekwondo Master was confused, he asked Raj: ”Are you sure it’s not going to be more work for Momo? Because in our culture, mother-in-law means more work.” I completely understand what he meant, and appreciate the reasonable concerns.
Actually among all the Asian cultures, Korean and Chinese are the most similar. For more than a thousand years, Korean kingdoms had been highly influenced by Chinese kingdoms, they imported the whole bureaucratic system and core social values to Korea. For a fairly long time, Chinese kingdom was able to make the Korean kingdom its own state. Koreans had to pay taxes to the Chinese king. We’ve been sharing the same language and literature for a long time. There were some brutal wars for independence in history, I totally understand why king Sejong created his own alphabet to break free from the Chinese influence.
That’s why I always feel close to Korean culture, it’s a culture I feel closer to than today’s China, whose culture is almost completely ruined by the current communist regime. And I am always fascinated by how Koreans and Taiwanese got democracy, I am eager to know what cultural barriers they had to cross to achieve that.
Ok ok, focus Momo focus!
So ya, I totally understand what Korean Master meant for “when mother-in-law presents, there is going to be more work.” It’s undeniably true in all of the patriarchal plus family-orientated societies, including India, Japan, Philippines, Vietnam, most Asian cultures actually. Well, depending on if you live in the old part of the society or the modern part of society. In a lot of families, young couples who both have work in the city, they could somehow find somewhat of equality between husband and wife, but when they have to live together with older generations, most probably they can’t escape the traditional family values, well, unless the in-laws are super cool like mine.
Actually, I have to say, in China because of the purge of traditional values (which is a disaster btw, I am finishing my other video talking about this in details, will be uploaded soon), the Chinese are more open to western family values, which is individual-orientated (in the family sense only, not rights and political sense). So in the current years, you might find many more financially and emotionally independent Chinese women who are extremely feisty and not willing to be subjected to the “old family values” that seemly put woman under.
Women’s rights elevation in China was also a result of one social turmoil after another, women as “half sky” were used to create force and labor for social movements. It also largely resulted from China’s One-Child policy from the 80s, with only one child in the family, no matter a boy or a girl, he or she gets all the attention and financial support. And in Japan, because they have been trying to integrate with the westerners for more than 150 years from the time of Meiji Reform, you might also find a lot of similarity in the modern Japanese values to the Western values.
Ok ok, focus Momo focus! LOL, when it comes to social movements and feminism, I just Can’t Stop Myself…
So ya, my Indian in-law parents are not ordinary Indian people. To begin with, they have always treated their three children with equality - my husband and his two younger sisters. They loved them with an equal amount of love, manifesting in an equal amount of attention and educational investment. Actually my husband complained that he got way less educational investment compared to his sisters, which is true, my husband had to arrange a lot of college costs by himself through scholarships and internships.
I have to say, one thing very important for Asian parents to remember is: a way to foster security and confidence in your children, especially daughters, is to show equal love among the siblings, no matter their genders and ages. Because our societies are deeply poisoned by patriarchal mindset, a lot of “lack of confidence behavior” rooted in the early years of age, when they were under family care and treated unequally. In a patriarchal society, women generally have way less confidence, because they are conditioned to think they are less than men from when they are young.
So ya, a strong woman is not built in one day, it has to start from day one. I guess I benefited from China’s sudden imposing of the One-Child policy, so, deep down I am confident enough to be a feminist and speak out my mind, I guess...
My mother and father-in-law have always treated their three children equally, they wanted all three of them to be educated and find their own place in the world through study. One of their favorite sayings is: "Son or daughter, there is no difference. Son can study well, daughter can too. Son can achieve, daughter can too.”
When my sisters-in-laws were still in college, many families came to propose arranged marriage to my in-law parents, most of them implied that they wouldn’t charge any dowry, due to the good reputation of my in-law family and the beauty of my sister-in-laws.
It was 10 year ago, this was still the norm of my in-law’s society by then: girls’ ultimate fate and good fortune is to be married off, education for girls is not for her own professional success, but merely a deco in her wardrobe. (My in-laws are from East India, Jharkhand, Bihar, West Bengal, the poorest states and most backward places in India btw. )
Facing such pressure, my in-law parents never backed down, instead, they said NO to whoever came and NO to the community that was watching closely:"My daughters are studying, study is very important to them. They have to study and Find A Job first, then we could move on to get them married. You can come later."
As you already know by now, both my sister-in-laws finished their studies: Lipi finished her more than 10 years of doctor’s training, now a popular pediatrician in the UK, UK granted her permanent citizenship right after she applied, due to her excellency. Leena finished her bachelor's study in one of the top universities in India, worked in Goldman Sachs in Bangalore for 4 years, then came to America to get a Master's degree in science, managed all of the fees by herself, now she works in Silicon Valley. Both Lipi and Leena chose their life partners by their own will.
Lipi’s husband is from South India, different caste, speaks totally different languages. East and South, you could say the two families have less similarity than families from two different countries. It was a long and tedious process to convince both sides of society. And Leena, as how she navigates her life in such a style, full of free spirit and excitement, eventually she chose a good boy from South Carolina.
For all of the life choices my sister-in-laws made, either for study or marriage, my parents-in-law respected their daughters’ own will and supported them through and through. Even in the times when the whole community was against them, my parents-in-law stood up for their daughters and protected them from the pressure of society. And that is truly something in India, I am not saying it’s that rare, but it’s extremely uncommon.
And it says a lot about my in-law parents. How open-minded they are, how forward-thinking they are, how kind and how strong they are. It was my pure luck to find such an in-law family.
They treat me like their own daughter, my mother-in-law always finds a chance to tell me:"You are my daughter, there is no difference between you and Lipi Leena. I love you like my own child. There is no difference between my love for my son and my love for you.”
So back to our Korean Master’s concern, will the presence of my mother-in-law make me work more? The answer is - Absolutely Not.
My mother-in-law would do everything she could to help me. “When I am here, you try to get some rest, when I’m gone, there is so much work for you.” She truly cares about my well-being.
From the time she lands, she would start working. Put this in mind: there is a 12-hour time difference between California and India. She gets over the jet-lag right away, by staying up and working the whole day whenever she arrives.
On one of the typical days when my mother-in-law is with us, she wakes up early in the morning, quickly does her 2-minute version of puja (so she wouldn’t waste too much time, it’s one of her old habits), then she would clear out the dishwasher, arrange all the dishes, then cook breakfast for the whole family. When the children wake up, she would come upstairs and help them wear clothes, brush their teeth and arrange their beds.
In the daytime wherever we go, library events, sports classes, playing in the park, buying groceries, she tags along and helps whenever she can. She helps me pack the snacks, she helps me carry the tricycles, she helps me pick the fruits and vegetables, she helps me load and unload the car, she watches the road when I drive, she plays with the children in the park, not for one minute she is absent...
After dinner, I would take the kids to read and sleep, she would stay alone downstairs, arrange all the leftovers, clean up all the dishes, wipe the desks and floor, if there is more time, she would fold dry clothes. She stays up late to finish all the house works.
Because she is a school teacher, she also takes the initiative to teach my children ABCs, maths and reading, and she keeps reminding me of the importance of education and how parents should be strict when it comes to discipline.
The most amazing thing is, while chipping in to help on all of the matters in the household, my mother-in-law is so smart not to make you feel that she is challenging your authority. If you don’t think about it, you wouldn’t even notice. What I mean is, she always puts the respect to me first, she wholeheartedly acknowledges that I am the children’s mother and I should decide on the to-dos and not-to-dos, she is not there to challenge this fact and only to help me, respecting my way.
I mean how smart it is right? A lot of conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are rooted in the fight of authority. A lot of mother-in-laws are not able to let go of their ego and power over their sons and family matters that are related to sons, daughter-in-laws and their grandchildren.
While my mother and father in-laws would never even make one comment about matters between my husband and I, I mean, in all of the conversions they make among themselves, to their children, to us (the daughter and son-in-laws), or to their community, the relatives who are so used to talk bad about their daughter-in-laws.
Whenever there are people complaining about their daughter-in-laws, my in-law parents actually would take up that chance to praise me, “oh my daughter-in-law is so good, she wouldn’t do this, she would definitely do the opposite” etc etc, like how they praise a goddess, for real... I guess that’s how I am so cherished and loved by my extended Indian family and community.
I mean nobody is perfect right, there is always something to complain about if you want, especially for the fact that I remain active online for all these years, and never hold my horses to criticize and be vocal about a lot matters, and all of our Indian community can see...but my mother and father-in-law have built a solid wall to protect me, to keep me safe from the social malice toward women and daughter-in-laws…
So ya, I am extremely lucky to have such smart and loving in-law parents, I am feeling truly grateful about this fact. We were so looking forward to the arrival of my mother and father in-laws. Usually we would all go to the airport to pick them up, but this year, under the circumstance of the outspread of COVID. We decided that only my husband would go to the airport, we would receive them at home, taking all the precautions we can. Like all the times when my mother and father in law had spent with us in the past few years, I am 200% sure that this year we are going to have enormous fun as well.
The winter here is colder than India’s, so I took out some jackets and sweaters, as well as went to Costco to get some new clothes and shoes. My mother and father in law maintain a very simple life, they don’t like to spend on themselves. They never had much, whatever they had, went to the education of their children, if there were extra, they gave away to help the relatives and neighbors in need. Like all these winter clothes, most of them would end up in other people’s houses I am pretty sure. “People don’t need much to be happy”, that’s also one of their favorite sayings.
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