The plumbers

Last year our upstairs shower's draining was blocked, water leaked from the ceiling, found some plumber to fix it, changed the pipes, mended the ceiling. Less than half of a year, the shower's pipes blocked again, water again started leaking down, on and off. Called the old plumber Matt, he will fix it again. "You got to have some discount from him because of the crappy job he did last time." I reminded Raj many times because the new draining system Matt replaced for us was not powerful enough to keep itself from being blocked by my long hairs.... 

Matt and a guy came today, Matt opened up the ceiling to take an assessment, the new guy standing 3 meters away, observing, Raj was home with them, I ran off to pick up my daughter from school. When I came back, Matt and the new guy were leaving, they stopped to wave and chat with me, informing me they would come tomorrow to fix the pipes and ceiling. They were super sweet, that made me happy. 

I came in, asked Raj how was it, did they give an estimate of the cost? Are we getting a discount? 

"They are from Afghanistan! The new guy who was shadowing Matt? He took the flight out of Kabul exactly on August 15th, barely missed the chaos in the airport. He had come here a few months ago already, he worked for the State Department in Kabul for years, highly educated, fluent in English. Recently he went back to Kabul to apply the visas for his family, and luckily he booked the flight out beforehand and took the flight on August 15th a few hours before the fall. His family got out somehow, now staying in Doha, waiting to be united here. Now he is learning about plumbing from Matt who is a remote relative of his, planning to be a plumber to feed his family." 

"Can they use their credentials back in Kabul to have equivalent jobs here?" "No, usually not that easy, a lot of government officers in Kabul came out to be delivery guys, plumbers, cleaners. They are happy and satisfied that at least their families are alive and their kids can grow up healthy, receiving proper education." 

My jaw dropped on the floor, I was left speechless and ready to hide in my room and cry for an hour....

"ya, we should give some additional to help him and his family..." "ya, ya we should we should...."

2021-8-31

以前在微博的時候，因為知道有一群可愛的女孩們在看，腦子裡總是在想新話題來分享。很努力地去研究印度的種種 - 風俗人文、服飾飲食、經歷感受等等，也很喜歡女權的內容 - 偶爾搞笑和調皮挑逗打擦邊球，當然也無法控制去分享一些與我們生活相關的民主自由人權的點滴內容，隨手寫的生活感想總是腦中構想出的與姐妹們的對話。 

2021年初被文革打倒趕出中國後，在 yt fb insta twitter 獨自徬徨，孤獨徘徊，一直 in shock，很久沒反應過來。中文的使用嘎然而止，因為害怕，也答應了父母再不說話再不評論，即便在外網。猛然而降的重錘與由之產生的恐懼和絕望，對身在牆內人的衝擊比牆外人猛烈得多，影響也深遠得多。 

於是衝動的時候自己便開始使用英文喃喃自語，英文逐漸成了寄託情感、宣洩自我的語言工具。幸好這個工具用得還湊活，畢竟生活在外十多年，不痛不癢、不上不下的英文表達，保護了我，防止我滑向抑鬱。 

這半年過來，以前那種和姐妹們處在同一個空間裡相互分享各自不同生活的溫情脈脈，從最開始被一巴掌驟然拍下馬背，千腳萬掌重摔狠碾，一地血肉爛如泥漿屍骨無存，到現在終於風平浪靜下來，春風複拂，青草複出，心底又犯癢癢。 

但終歸還是傷感，不是因為自己的經歷，而是感傷那個空間的徹底消失。雖然早已預見並做了多年心裡準備，但看著它終還是從手中被生生搶奪走，在眼前砸爛粉碎，直到再無一處完膚，再無一絲生息，心如刀絞的感覺真實到可以在每口呼吸裡聞到血腥味。 

似乎一切都只是一場空夢，夢裡不算太美，卻有星星點點的陽光和微微的暖意，也有握著的手和微笑的眼。夢醒的時候，光卻地搖，重又墮入黑暗。 

能在外面重聚的，實屬萬幸中的萬幸。傷感無法再伸手去握一握那些困在裡面的絕望和恐慌，無法像以前那樣，用毫無修飾的真實情愫去尋求溝通，宣泄表達，相互取暖。 

但還是要繼續走下去，打瘸手足，苟延殘喘，還是要繼續走下去。也許這就是我們來此人世一遭的全部意義所在。

希望？希望就是那片春風複出的青草地，心底那份輕喚即來的癢癢，希望就是夢裡見過的星點陽光，和那些光亮留下的暖意。

Train

 "The power that forced itself upon its iron way - its own - defiant of all paths and roads, piercing through the heart of every obstacle, and dragging living creatures of all classes, ages, and degrees behind it, was a type of the triumphant monster, Death." 

- Dickens "Dombey and Son" 

2021-8-25

Been trying to make peace with this world, been trying to move on. Yes, it was a very sudden and complete failure, it shattered all that hope which has been built over half a year. 

What's the hope? The democratic world finally will have a leader and make the alliance, getting ready to face off the authoritarian regimes and the dictators' wild ambition of taking over the world. How many people have died in the pandemic so far? That truly broke my heart. How did it happen? Arrogant months-long coverups and telling lies, shutting down of only domestic airlines but not international ones - the premeditated let-outs, and utilizing the nation's propaganda machine inward and outward, to shirk responsibilities, frame and defame the other nations. If a man-made (you can call it that way regardless of the virus from a lab or not, no?) pandemic that took so many people's lives is not enough to wake us up, then we are surely moving toward a path to destruction. When the next global disaster comes, I don't think any of us would be ready for the loss. 

But this is the essence of democratic societies: the top brain reflects common people's will. Who are common people? Just like most of us humans: ignorant, biased, shortsighted, greedy, weak and selfish, deeply flawed. Just because one has never lived in the dark, one lacks the imagination of darkness. That's why we have never stopped suffering, and we would never will. I guess the essence of us humans is about repeating that painful history over and over again, cycle after cycle. We will never learn, we can never learn. 

I think I have found my angle, the angle to make peace with this world. No matter how much we cry, how hard we try, all that we are, just a speck of dust floating in the dark, a spot of foam carried down by the river. Not able to cause a ripple, not able to change the direction, even our own direction. Yes, some of us are more powerful than others, like the dictators, they believe they could alter the course, by sacrificing and slaughtering. But the ability to face our ultimate truth, facing it with no fear and no regret, is what makes you and I different. 

I can never build up that anger for anything or anyone, because no matter how heartbroken I am, the world is indeed beautiful to my eyes. Simply because of the existence of us, the deeply flawed humans. Either in the same space or parallel universe, either at the same time or scattered in the past and future, I have felt your heart and you have seen mine, I have missed you and you have missed me, you have been true to yourself and I have been too, that is all about the story of us, that is all about the story of us. 

Between the Evil and Righteousness

The chaos and failure in Afghanistan show: 

1. It's a huge blow to America's image and influence in the world, America has always withdrawn from allies and caused chaos in those countries it intended to help. America could barely finish what it started, the so-called "Beacon of Freedom" has been proven to be dim over and over again. 

2. Civilized societies lack the means to go to war with barbarian regimes, because civil means following rules, however evil expands at all costs. And the civilized world couldn't even understand what evil is, they wouldn't understand to what depth the evils could go just for the thirst of power, no need to mention coming up with practical and effective tactics to outpower them. 

3. When Americans refused to fight the Japanese in Manchuria, the consequence is Pearl Harbor; when Americans refused to fight the communists in Vietnam, the consequence is now aircraft carriers patrolling in the South China sea at all times; back in WWII, when Britains and French hesitated to fight the Nazis, the consequence was the destructive occupation of London and Paris; today when America and the world refuse to defend HK, Taiwan, Kabul, Myanmar... one day America and the world have to defend the democratic world in the soil of Los Angeles, New York, San Francisco, London, Paris... 

Because evil has always been lurking in the dark and seizing its chances to attack and expand. You let loose one inch of injustice and brutality, violence and barbarism would surely not let loose of you, they would surely strike back within one breath. Why? Because it's in their DNA. And considering the global village we are living in today, the evil in any corner of the world would eventually find its way back to you within your lifetime.

4. The way of dealing with the world's problems, shows exactly the hypocrisy and shortsightedness, the arrogance and selfishness of the leaders and the people who elected them in democratic societies. Deep down, it's discrimination and ignorance - discrimination against different cultures and different people, ignorance in a way that is unable to obtain foresight over small and petty calculations. This arrogance and hypocrisy go exactly against the so-called Universal Values that the democratic world is propagating. 

In the fight between evil and righteousness, the shortcoming of the democratic world is gonna be the root of a lot of bloodshed and tragedy in the future. Because for the past one hundred years, it has been proven over and over again: when you are allowing one inch of freedom and democracy to be snatched away, no matter where, you would have to pay 100 times the price for it. 

Today we all lose, the way we lost HK, is exactly the way we lost Myanmar and Kabul, and will be exactly the way more places gonna go in the future. 

Today we all lose, as humans, as the free world, as civilized societies.  

近期隨想

 

2021年8月6日

8月7日

ya I never wear bras!!! Too small to needing a bra to hold anything and I can't breathe just because of the thought of something is there to tie my chest. If yours big and heavy, obviously you need support, people like me, why the heck I need to wear bra? And why the heck do I care how "others" feel what I wear and what I don't wear? Did anyone pay for my clothing?? Lol 

8月8日

微博上像我這樣介紹介紹印度文化和生活的，已經算是最後一批被消聲被打壓的了。堅持了這麼久，但誰都是歷史大河裡的一粒灰塵，激不起一絲浪花，也改變不了大河的走向。唯一能做的，就是堅持過好自己的生活，堅持無愧於內心和意識，堅持講真話做真事，堅持去愛而不是恨，堅持去相信，學會去信仰。

8月8日

Congratulations to India for the perfect performances in 2020 Olympics!!!!🥰💕💕❤️ 祝賀印度運動員在2020奧運會上的完美表現！！ 迄今為止獲得獎牌最多的一屆奧運，好棒啊！！！🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳 

印度以一金七獎牌結束了奧運，舉國狂歡啊！！！每個印度人都發自內心地高興。每個獎牌的獲得者都獲得全社會的大力關注，包括第四名的也都接受各種獎勵和表彰。所有人都瞬間暴富，各種贊助和代言。有一個銅牌獲得者，家鄉城市有一條街的名字已經被改成她的名字了！#奧運 #印度

印度人熱烈慶祝2020東京奧運戰果：一金七獎牌，有史以來最好成績。每個獎牌獲得者都成了全社會追捧的英雄，堪稱在最高等級的“第七層天國”裡的七位超級巨星（七在印度非常吉利）。標槍奪金後，各地跳舞唱歌視頻應聲而出。奧運還有幾天結束，印度人已搖著頭表示“印度隊done！ 完美了太完美了太完美了！” #印度 #奧運

8月9日

對阿里強姦案和女權的看法

 #女權 #法制 #印度 #阿里巴巴 #阿里 #阿里巴巴女员工被侵害 #強姦案 #強姦大國 #女性權益 #女權主義

1. Alibaba is not a single case, it's phenomenal, it reflects exactly what Chinese society is. It's called the "Dinner Table Culture" where men telling "yellow jokes"(sex jokes) all the time on the face of everyone, and treating women as sex resources. [I mean I grew up listening to sex jokes on the dinner table when my parents taking me out with their friends, the worst thing was seeing all those old men and women talking about vaginas and prostitutes, I mean you wouldn't hear the words but you knew what they were implying, I always felt like throwing up, but that's the culture. Similar culture can be found in South Korea, and Chinese culture influenced places]. 

2. And what Chinese society really is is not only inequality and exploitation of women as sex resources, it also shows that there is no law and order to protect people's fundamental rights. It's not a modern society built on social contracts and laws, there is no concept of Universal Values which are followed by most modern societies, there is no social structure to restrict individuals' grasp of power. When it is common for high profile CCP officials to have 100, 200, 500 mistresses, it's not about the physical or mental needs of those individuals, but about possession and exploitation of sex resources. And feminism would never go anywhere in the land that is barbarian and lawless. Women would stay as a resource, either is for sexual pleasure or reproduction purposes.

聽到這些網友爆出來的事情覺得好噁心和自己的生活好遠好遠。像我這樣偶爾發點莎麗視頻的，莫名其妙被套上“小三”，“妾”，“情婦”之類的罵名，之前完全摸不著腦袋，和我們的現實生活完全沒有一毛錢關係，現在頓悟，原來那裡就是一個這樣的妓院啊，裡面全是情婦和小三，所以凡是女人就要被罵為小三和妾。

阿里巴巴发生丑闻与中国社会/灭霸响指: 中国医学美容行业风暴再起/Alibaba Sexual Scandal and Chinese Society/王剑每日观察/20210809

Struggle

of course I struggle 

I wish to keep my eyes away 

but sadness pulls me in

I hear them screaming you know?

I'm bleeding inside 

I try hard to keep my ears shut

but darkness catches me

where's the light that once shone on our youthful faces?

that light of hope and promises

you can run away from the place

but you can't run away from the people

who are left there to suffer, to die

voiceless and powerless

did I abandon them?

of course I struggle

2021-8-3

The second day of my babies' camp, hanging out by myself in a cafe, not much to be done, gonna indulge myself one day more then...

In the 20s, if it's true that guys are mainly running after sex, I seldom know girls who are ever only thinking about the sex part, unlike the women in their 30s and 40s. For 20 something little dolls, it's always about feelings and emotions, fantasies and imaginary characteristics. They are not equipped to separate mental and physical experiences like men, their brains are just wired that way. 

But when we were in our 20s, "we" means we, some of my old friends, like my sis-in-law for example, oftentimes some hours into our midnight chat, we would reach a consensus - "oh man, at that place and that period of time, if today any of our men saw how wild and crazy we were, how we danced on the table in tiny skirts, no one would ever think to make us into a partner, wouldn't even feel interested...." "yaa... but that's why people say 'the right time and the right place' no?" "yaa....."

I consider my actions have always been the result of choices, no matter how might I feel due to the structure of my brain. Before everything happened, my criteria stood from "should be The One", dropped to "has to be love", then dropped to "as long as we kind of like each other and has no physical repulsion". Still, I was a joking topic on the dining table among my friends and their friends of friends. They just couldn't believe I had never had it. It was legendary, even their parents got to know and laughed about it. What can I say, the French are rarely conservatives like the Americans when it comes to sex and pleasure. 

"Come sit on my lap my baby doll!" "You sure you don't want my help? or his?" Well, if I need any help, I wouldn't ask for the ones who we every day sit around with drinks and joke about this right? Plus who said women ever need any help on this? All they need to do is smile under the moonlight. 

So now the criteria changed to "no.1, no married men, under all circumstances, absolutely no exceptions, girlfriend is ok, not my problem", "condom all the time, no exchange of body fluid, for health concerns", "no games and any sort of emotional entanglement, straight forward and open, from beginning to end, business means business" etc. 

Even up to today, when I have two one-day-going-to-be-teenagers to worry about, I still think experience is crucial because experience brings about comparison, especially for girls. Well, actually for both girls and boys. 

Without experience, how would you think over coffee, is this normal or kind of freakish? The way he kept asking "Am I big? I am big right? You hurt right? You like my baby in there?" Some even went ahead listing measurements in cm, 3d, and eventually were awed by their own grandness. That image of a man standing tall against the sky, like a giant god, proudly holding his beloved, proclaiming to be unmatchable, stuck in my mind. 

Raj just happened like that. Like almost all of the good geeky boys from India and America, they had no clue what they were doing, while the girls already went through storms and floods. Story of almost all of happy couples that are close to us today. You would think movies represent reality, but naa, not even close.

The first time, he couldn't find it. "oh, you also don't know how to... I.. me.. I don't know... maybe..."  Instantly pulled back my hand that intended to help: "ya..I'm sorry, I know there is a gate down there, but I never walked through it..." How did he get to that conclusion? My face? Anyways, seems like a sweet boy, we can just hug and sleep like this for a week. Sex is not that important, right? No? Anyways, just a week. 

Then he found it and never left that gate for weeks. I was not able to sit or walk for the first 10 days. If this experience was before the godly encounters, I would tell them on their faces. You wouldn't need a ruler to know, no? The sweetest thing is, I have never seen even one time, the obsession with his grandness. Never a single "am I big" moment or rulers found in the shower. This gave me a throughout definition of decency in men.  

And he has been obsessed with each of my body parts, starting from feet, to ankle, to you name it, every few months or years, it has been something. Currently, he is hooking to my ass like a monkey hanging to the tree, with tenderness and decency obviously. I don't think many women in this world are this lucky. And he has never stopped trying, all kinds of different stuff, tirelessly, for me to reach the stars.

When the contraction started 3 days before my son's delivery, that night I was sitting by myself in the living room, counting and recording, giving the family some chance to sleep. 10 minutes, 8 minutes, 6 minutes... in the pain, I heard a woman's blasting and lengthy moaning, way louder than the scream in my head. What is this? I am the one who's supposed to give birth alright?? We used to live in an apartment in Berkeley, you can easily hear such things from other apartments nearby. 

I didn't understand that kind of intensity by then, because I was still in my 20s. But how magically women's bodies can change, pure wonder. Now we have to close all the windows, and me screaming into a pillow, so our neighbors wouldn't be woken up. 

He would always hold my face in affection and admiration: "Women are, I mean is, so beautiful, you are so much more intense with emotions, when you soar, your wings also are so much stronger than men's."   

I often discuss with my sis-in-law, if we could choose before life, do we want to be a woman or man? Considering the rare luckiness both of us have met, the answer to this question has always been yes. 

My only wish? More women in this world can answer this question with a yes. 

2021-8-2

Finally sitting my ass down in a cafe, by myself! Dropped both kids off in the barn. It's not like I haven't got the chance to be alone the whole summer. I did, at the beginning of the summer, some morning hours after dropping Aditi at preschool while Shiva was left at home doing homework with papa. It's just that from the end of June till now, never really got those solitary hours. These hours keep me sane.

When school starts, which is coming very soon, I would get more hours to myself. Thank god schools will get back to normal from the new semester. Not entirely gods' and goddesses' credit I mean, also thank the advancement of science and modern medicine. And after Aditi also starts grade 1, which is in 2 years, 8 to 3 every day then! Imagine how much time I will have! Hopefully, by then the world still exists, freedom and justice still haven't been taken down by dictator attempts, and I am still restless and itchy like now, keep coming up with new ideas that never have the time to be carried through. 

I guess at the end of the day, I do need my dear diary space, especially now that my self-designated responsibility on "educating" the Chinese internet had come to a sudden end. Now my name and my story, which has nothing to do with my reality by the way, have been stolen and fabricated to be propaganda materials. Why do you think my name is not 404ed in there? It has become a perfect brainwashing piece of "information" on India and highly educated fallen women. I just can't stop myself from feeling funny about it. Imagine years later, I could also claim that I had contributed to the process of brainwashing, my name had been written into the propaganda textbooks named "India: An Introduction" and "The History of Fallen Chinese Women in the 2020s".

At least by now, I have learned to overcome the fear. Be it talking to the camera for random videos or tapping on the keyboard for rumbling lines. Or maybe it's because of all that midnight drive by myself, gazing out and blank in. People like us, who had to drag themselves away from comfort and familiarity, in seeking of a teeny ray of light and a weeny bit of warmth, mature earlier. I guess my worst fear was still woken up in an odd place with strange-looking people who expressing themselves peculiarly, and I just couldn't understand a thing! But somehow I got to put myself together, stop the screaming in my head, I got to try to comprehend, try to imitate, their way of living, even try to open my mouth to make those bizarre noises, only to be laughed at and dismissed. But considering how fucked up the place we came from, considering all that rape and beating, fuck it, I will suck it up no matter what. At least nobody is smothering me with a pillow anymore, no matter how funny their faces are.

But they seem to enjoy it. Sometimes I really don't know what to say, and almost needed to set up calendar reminders of making a call. Those photos with uniform t-shirts and caps, 50, 100, 500 completely same t-shirts and caps, posing in the exact same style, standing in perfect lines. It's too red, a whole screen of redness, it's too organized, like perfect-sized bricks, it suffocates me. But I will smile and praise how amazing those photos are. It's my duty. I have never lived in that nightmare, but I read about it, I saw people talking about it, with terror and fright in their eyes. Maybe when you are really in there, all you are made to feel is - happy, numbing happiness. I have to get them out of there. 

Imagine if I didn't get out, imagine today I'm also a tiny piece of red in those photos. I would be as happy as them, having a strong sense of purpose, serving up for something and someone far greater, with that little red book waving in hand. Instead of drifting around with thousands of thoughts and feelings entangled and unanswered, whipping myself so hard just to find some purpose. 

I would be more content, won't I?