Indian fever

I don't know for how long I would still be in this Indian fever. All I could think about was to let out my thoughts and emotions but I'm not feeling done. We are not experiencing much of jet-lag but after 3 days, finally this morning I started to work. Still, I couldn't stop myself wondering back. Oh India, why am I so connected to you? 

What happened during my two pregnancies changed all. Grew up in communists' China, religion was not allowed, there was a sense of "shame" forced upon individual's religious tendencies. It's way much worse now. But what I experienced when I was pregnant with Shiva and Aditi, didn't happen to me before, rarely afterwards. It was just unfathomably unreal, utterly unconnected to the reality I had been living in.   

But somehow I always knew, even when you were completely oblivious and ignorant, you just know. I knew my life was not going to be in China, I knew I would always be ok no matter what, I knew there was something there for me to uncover, I knew I was always protected, by something. 

I didn't get the birth dream of Shiva fully right actually, for all these years. I guess I didn't go figure who exactly was this Shiva embracing me and talking to me when I was lying bare on him, in the form of a giant tree bed. I thought that was my son. I was feeling puzzled and shy but everything was comfortable and lavish. Then there was grandpa in the same dream frame who just passed less than a month ago and whose name was "the third eye". Obviously grandpa reincarnated into my son, I got that from the time we bid farewell at his death bed, super crazy stuff happened there that day under all of family members' eyes. Walking out of the eventful farewell, right then right there I told Raj that we would never see grandpa anymore but he would come back to be my child, I understood all of that during the farewell because I was going to be the mother. Again, utterly unfathomable and unrelated to my reality then who just finished her Indian wedding, who was a complete stranger in their land, but I got it, my mind was not closed to believe in crazy shit. Raj also believed me based on what he witnessed back in the room, he was in awe the whole time. Within 2 hours, grandpa passed when we were sitting in the train from Bokaro to Kolkata. But for all these years, in Shiva's birth dream I thought the one who embraced me was my son, the showing of grandpa was just an error duplicate or something, since I already knew it was grandpa who's coming back to me.  

Lord Shiva is every woman's lover, he is mine too. Now I know. Something you just know, took sometime, but eventually you will know.

I know religion is make believe. But I keep experiencing crazy stuff, sometimes major sometimes small, I am reminded 24/7 that it's happening. That's why I highly suspect that all of this, this world, is unreal. It must be me who coded all of it into a program and we are merely simulations.  

But at this moment, my heart is full and peaceful, without loneliness and sorrow. I guess if there is truly heavenly deities, their purpose is to ease our sufferings and help us find peace. I am forever grateful for the existence of my deities: Seven Mother Goddesses, Guan Yin, Buddha, Monkey King, Dragon King, Earth God, River and Ocean Gods, Durga, Shiva, Rama, Saraswati, Kali, Sun God, Moon God and all.  

Oh India my India, oh Shiva my Mahadev, I love you so.