Daydream [Roe v. Wade No.7]

I thought I fled authoritarianism, propaganda, and brainwashing;

I thought I landed in a place that protects religious freedom and individual rights;

I thought I gave my children, especially my daughter a more equal and brighter future so she doesn't need to grow up to be unfairly judged based on her gender and skin color;

and I thought she could soar in a land of opportunities and maybe one day she could achieve what most women before her couldn't. 

With now one of the women's fundamental rights being taken down, I don't know what more would be taken away. 

From her and from my son, non-white, non-Christian, sexual orientation is not yet defined. 

And the dream of my children having better opportunities and environment? 

Will it turn into merely a daydream eventually?

These hypocrites make me puke

 The reason I'm with this man for life ❤

Suffocation [Roe v. Wade No.6]

I don't know if this is normal, but it's getting so weird for me. 

Never intended to pick a place for my children from the medieval dark age, but that vibe keeps popping up on my face more and more invasively.

Was it always like this or I just never noticed? Bumper stickers, billboards, random signs on someone's lawn "God this" "God that" "He this" "He that". Churches now hang up way bigger and imposing words with celebration: "God saves America".

Suffocates me. 

This whole thing changed my tolerance level.

Why people so entitled? 

God? To me, your god now associates with white supremacy, women's oppression, minority exclusion, and all that. 

I know, it's supposed to be ginormous progress compared to evil colonization, cruel exploitation, and blood & brain-sucking, on people with darker skin, on cultures that were different, on foreign lands that were peaceful and fertile. 

At this point I realized, I could not feel genuine tolerance and acceptance. I could not see open minds and open hearts. 

No matter how much progress people under god might make, huge risk of regress. 

Because monotheism is a cage for free spirit. And only free spirit brings upon openheartedness.

Maybe that's not the intention of your god. 

Of course, that's not the intention of your god! 

Your god would be covering his face with mortification: "This is not what I wanted to teach you people!!!"

"I was assigned to you by accident! My colleagues are having a party at this moment, I am only supposed to hold up your sad asses' misery for a short time before they return!"  

I can only face your god with tranquility in my heart when he is naked, humble, kind, and embracing. Humane and naturally flawed like all of the goddesses and gods who had resided inside of me. 

Through your lenses, your god suffocates me. 

With all that said, I remain forever an underdog trying to break free. 

Therefore I told my husband, "Let's get the fuck outta here all winter holidays!"

So he's buying tickets for this winter. Whenever school is done, we are out af.

Roam around like aimless travelers, go about like rootless Gypsies.

Only so, my heart can escape agony and disillusionment. 

Disappointment [Roe v. Wade No.5]

Yes Raj was angry from day one when the draft was leaked. "Are you angry because you love the women in your life?" "Ya, partly. However, it's also common sense, no?" 

But Raj had always been hopeful. He truly thinks this will pass, and things will stop regressing but continue to progress. In fact, "it could be a good thing because in the wake of extremism of a far-right supreme court, people will start to push back. And you need to fight, go vote, well, in 2025 when you get the citizenship."

For me? I just can't. After many rounds of discussions, we indeed started looking for other options. 

I know, this specific law doesn't affect us at all. I will never get pregnant again and even if we need to, we can fly anywhere in the world. We will also make sure our children stay safe by educating them and keeping an open discussion. 

But the disappointment, the hope that is slowly dimed away. 

I know, I know it has always been a struggle, slavery, color discrimination, class discrimination, gender inequality, immigrant persecution, you name it. I know after push and pull, things move forward, I know in the long run, minorities do rise up and realize their rights. The struggle? It's the beauty of a true republic. 

The question is, do I want to risk being in the downfall if I have the means to be in a better place, for the sake of my children? 

I guess when the draft was leaked, a lot of us still held that small bit of doubt and hope. Now things are crystal clear, reality sinks in, people with capabilities, people who used to be global citizens, people who are not identified as majority in a society minority could potentially be persecuted or at least discriminated/ troubled, would start to look around and figure out. 

It happened before, it might happen again. 

Escaped from one of the biggest cults, I detest any form of authoritarianism, even just the smell of it from 5 km away. Religion, as long as it starts to dictate right vs wrong and strip away my own independent thinking and feelings, for me, they are all cults. Cults that are easily controlled or used by people, people who are as filthy as any old men now and before who ruled over others with absolute power. Most of them fell for greed and lust. 

I know, this is the ultimate curse of us humans who reside in the physical forms. And we are supposed to be stuck in the infinite cycle of ups and downs, rises and falls. Until the final destruction. 

But that flood of disappointment, I wish I could control it by reasoning, but I can't. 

Because I am a woman. I have lived my life through day-to-day sexual harassment, each uninvited touch was a reminder of our inferiority; I have to be regularly thrown under a bus and crushed by wheels, because of the change of hormones that dictates how I can feel and breathe; I have to sacrifice my body and all of my glory and aspiration so to bring other lives into the world and raise them up good, and for the exact reason, I am treated as unworthy, nonessential, secondary, not important, you name it. 

Is there any matter in this world more unfair?    

I had thought America could give me that protection and justice I longed for since the first time my childish pussy was grabbed at 8 years old. But I had been mistaken, for all this time. 

Can I bear to be in a place where I am constantly reminded as being one of the inferior, weak and stupid halves who don't deserve the same fundamental rights and freedom as the stronger, smarter and more beautiful halves? 

This question to me is yet to be answered.    

FUCKING ANGRY [Roe v. Wade No.4]

Now I feel so absolutely lucky to have found a husband 14 years ago who's fundamentally open deep down in his roots. "You know when we were growing up in the village, women weren't used to wearing bras or blouses, maybe just a wrap around, but everything was showing, as men were, naturally, nobody thought anything was wrong with that...All this, body shaming, character daminng, rights snatching, is all about control, you know, power and control. People would use everything to get control over anything." My husband suddenly told me. " So the British colonization which brought upon Victorian style of women suppression really fucked you Indians up big time huh?" "In the bottom of all things, ya, you can say that." Now my husband and I are on the journey of uncovering what's buried there thousands of years ago, and each time we would get a Renaissance shock about how open and pleasant things were, before the....

I'm fucking angry and disappointed, can't even enjoy my sex in the nature!! I had hoped this didn't need to go this far, the medieval of ignorance and stupidity won't overtake, we can get to peacefully teach my children to enjoy the dominating culture and be part of it. At this point, I'm like: naa, I fucking had enough. Nothing is personal here, except the humiliation to women. I'd never grown up in a church mentality and I will make sure my children are far away from any sort of influence from it. I'm perfectly happy with all of my temples and Goddesses, nudity, random chaos and unjudged natural human behaviors. Period.

  

What the fuck is going on? America hijacked by religious maniacs and big steps backward into the dark age of medieval... 

Everyday morning sickness 

Because in the dominating religions, women are men's sub-brunch (or some shit, I don't fucking know the wordings..) women's place is secondary to men and should remain a virgin (or some shit, again, I don't know the fucking wordings ) + birthing machine. 

Exactly how I feel, Each Word. America is Not Free, soon enough won't be the beacon of world. Sad.

https://youtube.com/shorts/xdbzs5abq2s?feature=share

Goddess vs Godass

Blessed be the fruit [Roe v. Wade No.3]

The people who live in their own dark age are taking the whole America into dark age. 

And most ridiculous thing is, those dark age Americans represent all Americans...

blessed be the fruit, being a part of the history

 

The time I could have died if without the privilege of all different kinds of drugs, monitors, equipment and experienced nurses and doctors. Hospital bill came back as $64k, we always joked about "you can open a freaking hospital in India with that amount".

Another time I could have died due to no-reason postpartum bleeding if without attentive nurses and doctors... Each pregnancy and birth could take a woman's life away in snap of a finger. But i guess birthing machine's life is not as worthy as the holy fetus then, at least in America, it became official today.

Nothingness

On our way back from her music and gymnastics classes, "The Scientist" was playing, so I abruptly asked my almost six-year-old daughter: "Do you wanna grow up to be a scientist or a lawyer, or anything else that you wanna be?" "I want to grow up to be nothing." "What?!" "Ya, I think I am really going to do nothing, just like you." 

Ya right, I need not go to the office, do not receive any material compensation in exchange for whatever sort of work I do, I get it, no matter how many times I told them "mommy is a writer, or at least 'a writer to be', or 'a writer in the making'", and no matter how many times I told them to give me a little space and time so I can write, it won't register. My writing business is never legit to them. 

What can I tell her? "In this illusory reality which consists of the 'space and time' that we are only capable of perceiving, how do you know going to the office every day is 'something' but dreaming about the cosmos and staring into space is 'nothing'?" or "With the branded substances we dug out from the earth or robbed from our animal fellows, with our ever-growing and never-satisfiable thirst to comfort and luxure, plus our ignorance and selfishness which are the two most essential traits reside in us, slowly we all are sinking. How are you going to convince me that we are not being punished by being trapped inside the physical forms in the earthy definition of the universe? And tell me why being the one who not only possesses the will as well as the ability to break off from such reality and seek truth beyond deception should be labeled as 'nothing'?"    

But who the fuck do I think I am right? I have a whole universe of imaginary shit, I have different universes colliding with each other and I have layers of worlds filled with conflicts, however, might or might not have I the leisure to write them out. Maybe after say five years the books are printed and bound, but most probably besides family and friends who would keep a copy that they will never open on their bookshelves, no one else would care. 

So I just replied to the sweet baby girl of mine: "Chalo, you are entitled to your thoughts. And mind that, your thoughts, our thoughts, maybe they are the most vital existence of us." 

Father's Day

Been suppressing my senses throughout the weekend. Hope no one noticed that I didn't greet "happy father's day" to no one. Just not in the place, not in the place at all. Still trying very hard to normalize my own relationship, so the house can pass each day in peace but not misery.

 

Growing up without the intimacy of siblinghood, without a conscious connection with the closest guardians, maybe that's why I'm never able to knock off the itch to rather fall off the boat and drown in solitary. 

But in the vast meaninglessness that we were brought upon without consent, surely some of us are floating closer to light, and some of us are drifting on the edge of dark.

Maybe all that is worthy to do is hold on to the suffering until the knowing of the suffering ends.

Because no matter how you might believe, meaninglessness is the only destination for all. 

salute to the sober souls who have the courage to soar into the light

 

Ugly

During breakfast, out of nowhere, my mom said: "Mo, your dad said Y's daughter is ugly." My friends came for a visit from NY last night. "Excuse me?! No, I think that baby is absolutely gorgeous, one heck of a beautiful and healthy baby girl!" My mom continued: "Your dad said Y also became much more ugly." "Excuse me?! What the Actual Fuck?" Despite the fact that I just woke up, my mind exploded on the dining table. If you want to find mothers who have an 18-month-old in shape and in style, that could only be Y. Not me, not most of the people I know.

"So you want women to look exactly like the women-demeaning content you see every day in WeChat, as if 'the standard of worthy women', no matter what the fuck her age is, should be as pale as a ghost, as skinny as a skeleton, skin as smooth, shiny and wrinkleless as a 12-year-old? She should starve herself to be in good bony shape, but not so much so as to contain a bit of flush on her cheeks to indicate she is vigorous?"

"So you think women's place should precisely be a birthing womb and a sexual tool? A woman's worth depends on her ability to give birth to babies, but no, not random 'ugly' babies, only fair-skinned, chubby and active babies who have 'standard handsome' caucasian-style eyes, noses and lips, and those should be in 'standard handsome' proportions? However, during the process of making and raising the beauty-queen/king babies, plus trying to build a career that has roadblocks every 2 feet, a woman should right away find her place as an attractive sexual deva, she should right away find her way back to pleasing and seductive looks so as to arouse her spouse and fulfill her wifely duties?" 

"Yup, that's exactly why women and sane husbands who actually know how to respect and love their wives, do not wish to have more than one baby, like Y and her husband. And that's exactly why strong women like my sister-in-law and her loving and open-minded husband do not wish to have even one child. Because the world is filled with twisted and filthy minds some of which are products of state-wide efforts on putting women down so to use them as a tool to maintain a sizable population that is profitable for the state."

Well, I didn't say the last sentence but ya, all the others, right on their faces. 

Growing up hearing all that demeaning comments about women and girls, deep down we all felt how stupid and unworthy we were for a long time. 

A lot had fed into me through daily belittling and ridiculing, but there was one insignificant incident that could have been so significant as to change my life course. It was a hot summer day, I was wearing a pajama short, standing in the kitchen, most probably helping my mom wash dishes. I always knew my legs were "too thick" so I rarely wore shorts outside. How did I know my legs were "too thick"? Everybody in the family told me so. Then my dad came from behind, he lifted his foot and had a firm kick on my calf: "Such a thick leg, as ugly as a frog." 

Was my life course changed by this? Maybe, maybe not. I simply don't know. What I see is at least I had never felt too low on myself and made horrible mistakes in my youth due to a lack of self-respect. I guess I should be thankful to all the boys who madly fell in love with me and let me know. 

France

The photo below? Precisely what I did the four days en sud de la France. Whether it was 30% of us or 80%, I was running with my kids, swimming up and down, sitting on top of a paddle board, or walking around. If there were the presence of Naturists, my pants were immediately off too. 

Raj was like: "You are much more French than all the French I know!" "Et voila, first of all, you don't know any French mon chéri, and also, I am on vacation, alright?" "Or let's just say, you are always like this!" "Well, if you say so Monsieur." "I absolutely love it, this is what I want!!"

I asked Raj: "What if we lived in sud de la France and when we hang out with our friends on the beach like this, you know, like all these French people with their children, friends and families, and some of your friends or family had a problem with me?" "Then I think it's only their problem but not yours, and they can..." "Go fuck themselves?" "Exactly what they should do!" olala...

Let's put it this way, after Europe, the US felt like a cage to me, in regard to women obviously (it's pointless to drag other parts of the world into this discussion). In my opinion, most women here are chained up and domesticated well by this or that kind of religious doctrine and norms. Well, religious preaching is fine with me, but when it's purposefully used as a domestication tool to a certain portion of the population, hell no, I have a huge problem with it. 

In France and most European countries, it's protected by the law that women could be topless anywhere, as long as men are allowed to be. Sexualizing women's body parts is a sin if you live in a modern world. All is only natural. Not the same in the US, not even on beaches. In the US, women's body is highly sexualized and women are still fighting very low-grade battles for body autonomy, like reproduction rights. We can safely say that a significant amount of women here do not have autonomy over their own bodies. There are way too many laws on what women can do or not do to their bodies.  

Two words to describe: Dark Age. Well, at least to me. 

And don't worry, as responsible parents, we went through a thorough discussion as well as research on whether or not "it's good to let kids grow up on topless beaches". Guess what was our conclusion? Much more healthy than forbidding the topics or hiding out, much more healthy for daughters also sons' development of self-awareness and self-esteem. 
  

"You know, after sud de la France, I might change my mind on certain things." "Oh really?" "Oui, et Pourquoi pas? The beaches, the ocean, the beautiful people..." "It's all your choice ok? I am open and supportive to anything." "Yeap, what happens in France, stays in France."

Until next time then!

 

Burn that stupid shit

It's truly eye-opening to see in Italy majority of women (in summer) only wear a very thin layer of kinda see-through tiny top and that without bra, no matter how big or small their boobs, no matter how young or how old the women are. 

Lived in California for the past 10+ years, always thought only small boobs like mine didn't need support, turns out huge boobs don't need support neither. 

In Italian streets you can see all kinds of boob shapes and how beautiful they shake while walking (mine don't shake while walking). 

I Hate Hate Hate bras from the day I had breasts and I literally can't breath wearing them. Wanted to burn the de-facto-Corset from long time ago, so I finally abandoned wearing bra many years ago. 

However I had to go through the mental process of justifying my behavior to be "not slutty" or "provoking" because I really truly can't breathe that I coule die. 

Now suddenly I am feeling extremely normal in Italy!!!! 

For the past week walking everywhere in Italy, I never even once got that male gaze or uncomfortable staring, not even once!!