No. 2 of my vegetarian journey diary

Jan 2nd through 7th, no meat intake at all. Jan 8th dinner, no other food other than my mom's homemade pork dumplings, ate 4 or 5. Basically the same pattern throughout this month, my first month of becoming a vegetarian, or you can call it, a semi-vegetarian.

I didn't tell my parents. It will break their hearts, so I'm not ready, and never will be ready to come out of the closet. Well, if I love women or I believe I'm a boy stuck in a girl's body, I would collect the courage to break out to them though, because that's my whole life. 

Food? We just get by each day somehow.

For most of the days, I was able to sneak around, sitting in front of a whole table of food, nobody realized I was not taking any meat.

A very easy eater I am, I like everything and I eat anything. Although I like meat, never had any special attachment to it. Was all just a habit, the way I grew up and whatever was easier to get protein. 

So when I have a whole table of meat, all kinds of them, it's not too difficult to train my brain to only go for the vegetables. 

Raj was advising me to reduce the meat consumption first, maybe only seafood, no pork or chicken. Then gradually reduce to zero. 

Naa, I do not need that process. From day one, I can cut it to zero. 

Therefore for most of January, when no one is watching, I haven't touched any meat.  

The only difficult thing right now is that I'm not in control of the kitchen. My mom would prepare special food for Raj, vegetarian meals. But since my parents don't know, I still eat with them and the kids. 

The good thing is in the Chinese diet, there are a lot of vegetables. Especially when my mom cooks, she cooks 5 types of vegetables and 3 types of meat in each and every meal! 

Somedays I just picked out the vegetables that were cooked together with the pork or chicken. For example, the radish pieces in pork bone soup. 

For me, it's really only about what I believe and what I want. I don't feel disgusted by the scene, the smell or the taste of meat. I don't mind my vegetables are "contagious" because they are touched by the meat and the "dirty oil". 

For whatever I do, it's solely the result of my own choice and willpower. And I am extremely proud of that. 

I guess when I regain control of my kitchen, I will prepare Raj and my meals together, vegetarian. And bake some chicken or fish for the kids on the side. Easy protein when they are growing immensely.

Simple food, happy life. 

The crazy thing is, now a month has passed since I have made up my mind, I found myself starting to encounter mystical moments of living through the pain of animals. Each time a brief seconds, randomly during the day or night. No triggering events, no special sceneries. 

Out of nowhere, I suddenly feel this intense sadness for the piggies that were killed. Questions gushing out of my mind: was she someone's baby or mommy? Did she cry when she was butchered? Was he in despair and hatred right before his death? What kind of emotions she had when she was alive? Was he smart like a 2-year-old human baby? 

It's almost making me cry. And taking me back into the horrifying memories when neighbors of my grandparents butchering their pigs for the festival feasts and special occasions like weddings, funerals, moving houses or birthdays. Or just every other weekend, some to sell some to eat, when people got a little more money in hand.

My grandparents used to have a house in the suburban area, a lot of neighbors have their own pigpen in the backyard. [Later that whole neighborhood was taken back by the city to make malls and highways, residents kicked out, houses demolished. Individual households don't have the ownership of land, the CCP has. ]

The screams of them. The screams of them. The screams of them.

It was a very common noise, we grew up hearing that on a daily basis. 

I do think there's no fixed pattern of events to psychological effects on children. An abandoned child could turn out to be so strong and sorted out. It's either make or break. Or maybe general speaking, it should be a break, but for the stubborn some, it won't break but make, no matter how much you try.

I hope I got that resilience. And I pray to the million goddesses and gods that my children also got that resilience in their blood.

Anyways, maybe after two more months, I will have to go through therapies to control my emotions....

2022-1-25

Damn, I thought this was my own secret dear diary. To be honest, when I saw views in my entries, for a long time, I figured they were Chinese spies or some censorship mechanism shit that was following me, analyzing me, so to persecute me. 

But what the heck do I have? Absolutely nothing. It's just a female human's diary, a person who lives in the 21st century. And this girl ain't Peng Shuai bruh, no high profile Chinese officials, nor any sort of high profile weenies ever entered here girl..

I dunno, I guess digging into someone's diary is just sheer fun. And I'm that open idiot to write diaries online. Well, what I like is what I like... And what did I write 5 - 10 years ago? I have absolutely no clue, nor any interest to find out. 

But seems like some of you are feasting on them, my rusty old diaries. I'm feeling extremely honored in fact, to be given a damn. Just please everyone keep in mind: yesterday is yesterday, whatever I experienced, felt, realized, and expressed, stayed as an artsy statement, frozen in time. I myself might not be in agreeance with numerous viewpoints, nor should I ever be held responsible for my ravishing journey of growing and flourishing. 

Don't be a Cultural Revolution Prick (CRP) bruh. You're better than that. 

Anyways, I do believe the majority of my secret readers are women and young girls who need some sense of empowerment, any wired angle could do, would help. With words, I'm proudly taking up that job from my own eccentric sensories, peculiar perspectives, and bizarre encounters.

Winter has already passed in the bay area, California. There were just several weeks of chill. Although the sun is not that high yet, Raj has gotten completely ready, physically and emotionally, to go back to the beaches...

"The beginning, was that time when my parents were here. You were wearing that swimming suit, half of your ass was out and you didn't give a damn, walking your beautiful ass up and down, in front of my parents..."

"Wait, What?! I picked that one because it's conservative! It hides most of things and who said my ass was out?!"  

"Ya bae... it was beautiful... I got some more sexy bikini bottoms for you for this year..." 

"Well, ya, if you like... I truly never gave a damn to anything lol, never..."

"Awwwww so sexxy, 'never gave a damn to anything', ahhhhhh, 'neverrr'..." 

 

UK Visas and Immigration Complaints - VFS Global | Scam

Dear Sir/Madam, 

I am sending you this complaint letter regarding the misconduct of VFS Global. 

With deep regret of choosing VFS Global which is officially appointed by your esteemed organization, I urge you to conduct a thorough investigation into the business of VFS Global. 

My husband chose the service of VFS Global only because it's approved, even recommended, by your respected organization. 

On the day of the document submission day, which was December 1st, 2021, the VFS Global staff treated us with scamming techniques that included threatening and misleading, grooming and intimidating. The purpose was to convince us to upgrade our package from $ 410 per person to an even much higher one. 

The way the staff treated women made me, a woman who lives in the 21st-century felt violated and deeply insulted. As if they are unaware of the progress the human race made regarding gender inequality, neither they are educated with the common knowledge about basic respect and fundamental values in modern society. 

With $410, they promised to send our passports back before our already-purchased-flight date - December 22nd, 2021. With multiple desperate inquiries to VFS Global, there was no sight of our passports until today - January 11th, 2022. 

We had to cancel our trip to the UK because of this. 

We are completely disheartened, as well as in shock, because of the cancelation of the reunion with our beloved family in London, that too was after two whole sorrowful years, due to the pandemic... 

The fact that if VFS Global had received our passports from your office, in time for our planned travel but intentionally kept them for opportunities of further exploitation and scam, is something I'm not ready to let go easily. Because as clearly as it seems, written in my approved UK visa, the issue date is December 15th, 2021. 

Please your prestigious organization, do investigate this matter and help me obtain closure. 

I am utterly astonished by the unethical business model of VFS Global that is solely driven by greed and corruption. Therefore I am sending this complaint letter to your honored organization, wishing to sound an alert before further damage is inflicted to you. 

I do apologize for the inconvenience I am causing. Looking forwards to hearing back from you. Many thanks! 

Warm regards 

Sincerely 

Momo

Who I Am

Sending these to my husband: "Oh wow, my video 3 years ago, now I'm translating it only I know why I have always been under massive attack..." 

My husband: "Oh wow, I think your language is very aggressive, want to tune down a bit?" 

Me: "Is it incorrect, what I'm saying?" 

My husband: "No...but..." 

Me: "Then, no. It's who I am. Coming out from the most extreme form of homogeneism plus authoritarianism, I have completely lost my appetite to take the sugary path. Maybe my ultimate fate is to be hung on the wall in public, then that's the end of a future for the human race too."

Omicron Diary 武漢肺炎變異株 Omicron 日記

Jan 6th, 2022

Omicron explosion... both my children's classes had an Individual with positive test results after being in the class.... on Wednesday I was there with the TK kids, 18 of them, from 8:30 to 11:50! 

Looks like there's no stop on the new variant, we are all gonna have it once at least. In fact, I already know so many of our friends had it, just like a cold and got done with.... 

So lucky that we are all fully vaccinated right in time to face the Omicron.... 

Omicron 爆發，倆孩子班上都有檢測呈阳性的個人，但學校繼續開課。如果孩子打了兩針疫苗就可照常去學校，建議做檢測但不要求。

Omicron 根本擋不住，非常瘋狂地猛烈爆發。其實已經有非常多朋友得了，像小感冒一樣沒啥感覺就過去了，因為大家都及時打了加強針。

感覺很幸運，之前一輪的疫苗剛好來應對變異株。

附件

Jan 6th, 2022

Took my daughter to get a PCR test, both of us did, I as staff, 1:30pm only 15 min wait, 10 people ahead of us. 

Took my son for the test, 4:30 to 5:15pm wait, long long line.... felt like each grade had some kids coming for test. 

The horse riding coach said all of her students (all ages) received notice that "they are exposed in school"... What can we do now? Classes as usual... 

Since none of us felt any symptoms, still going to school tomorrow.... Feels like now this is the new normal: Omicron as cold....😅😅 

接到陽性接觸風險通知後，帶女兒去學區專設點做PCR。已來過無數次了，每次都沒啥人，全家老小一起檢測。這幾天因為學校感染多，和女兒在1點半時排了15分鐘隊，和兒子在4點半時排了45分鐘隊。現在只允許教職人員和學生檢測，我以教師身份也做了。結果一般24小時拿得到。

因為我們都無症狀，明天繼續上學。騎馬課教練說她所有的孩子，不同年齡段的都有，都接到了通知說班裡有陽性。能怎麼辦呢？繼續上課啊! 

看起來在 Omicron 來襲的新世界裡，把肺炎當成感冒，和肺炎共存已經成為了新的事實。

Jan 7th, 2022

A little less than half students showed up in my daughter's TK class, the same as my son's 1st grade. As I walked past all the classrooms, same everywhere, around half students remained. My daughter's teacher told me all the teachers she knew told her that there were positive cases in their classes. And we are so lucky to be living in a community where the vaccination rate is so high that schools can remain open. 

For the half students who decided to quarantine, some of them are trying to vaccinate fully, a lot of them can't come because there are babies less than 5 years old in the household who couldn't get vaccinations yet. 

I was asking around in the school office if the district had plans to close the schools? Not that anyone knew, but most people I met were looking forward to continuing the school year in person. 

One staff told me since the student testing center is for free, get the kids tested as often as possible to stay on top of it. For instance, her kids get tested every Friday. Very good suggestion indeed!  

[Later my son told me he heard one staff telling the students there were 160+ kids absent today at school, that's around 25% of all the students...] 

今早女兒班裡略少於半數孩子到堂，兒子班級亦是。路過各年級時瞄了一眼，都只有一半孩子。女兒老師說她認識的所有老師都說自己班裡有陽性。

很多孩子不來校，有因為疫苗沒打完的，有的家裡有小於五歲的寶寶目前沒有適合的疫苗。老師感嘆我們太幸運了，生活在疫苗率極高的社區，所以學校能保持開放。

在辦公室裡問工作人員，學區是否會停課？沒人知道。大多數遇到的老師都希望不要改成在線的，課就這麼上下去。

有個工作人員告訴我說，既然學區指定的PCR檢測點都是免費的，每週都去檢測一次，她自己的孩子每週五去做一個PCR檢測。這個建議不錯哈 😁 

【後來兒子說他聽工作人員講今天有 160 多個孩子沒來學校，這是學校學生總數的 25% 】

Jan 7th, 2022

On-site testing sounds great! The School district started this service in August 2021, never used it... Basically, if you sign your kid up, staff will come to the classroom and take the kid to a mobile testing site inside the campus, then send the kido back to the classroom. It's a PCR test, the result will be sent within 24-72 hours. I think it's every other week on Monday. From now I'm gonna sign my kids up whenever they are doing the test... 

校園內流動檢測點每兩週的週一有為孩子和老師做 PCR 檢測。其實這項服務從2021年8月就開始了，我們從沒用過。。如果你想，網上填個資料，週一時就會有人員去教室把孩子帶到臨時檢測點，刮完鼻子又送回教室。結果24-72小時發到父母郵箱。看起來從現在開始我每次都要讓他們在校園裡直接測了，省媽咪一點麻煩 🤣

No. 1 of my turning-a-vegetarian diary

The first day of 2022, on my 37th birthday, I made the decision. Ah, the fuck with birthdays, who want to celebrate birthdays anymore except the young? Made the decision because I had enough of it. 

I tried to ask myself over and over again: "You wanna do this just to get back to them?" The answer always came back: "No. I know I'm in rage right now, however, it's not about getting back, but finally setting myself free."

All I've been doing, my whole life, is trying to please everyone. I didn't want to hurt their feelings by declaring I didn't want to have anything to do with killing animals anymore. Because for them, all that is allowed in life is eating, no religion, no tradition, no discussion. And the best of eating? Animals, the rarer the better, the more "protected" the better.

"It's all your fault!" "You wrote that!" "You wrote this!" "There are more than a billion people in China, why they don't abuse the others? Only you?" "Because it's all your fault!"

Ya, I went down with it. Because no one, ever, expressed any sympathy for me, from that whole family. Only blaming. And the blaming went very far, from my choice of marrying an Indian, to my choice of studying abroad, from my choice of speaking up for social matters, to my choice of voicing them on social media platforms. And yes, I got to the bottom of it.

If you are so aligned with ccp after all that happened and still don't believe a dime in basic human rights and fundamental values, even seeing your own daughter('s name) crashed under massive internet violence and nationwide defamation, even went through Cultural Revolution style of persecution yourselves and thought about committing suicide. What can I say to you? "Well, then, if that's your ultimate choice of society, why do you blame it on me? Do we have persecution here in America?! My life has nothing to do with it. And I object to all those ridiculous allegations when they pick out a line of my random status update or chitchat on social media, ten years ago, on some irrelevant social events, accusing me of 'betraying China'". "Fuck China. 'You can talk about India but why you have to compare it with China?' 'Well, then why in your news when they say China has not even a single person died from COVID, why do they always compare with America? 500k, 600k, Americans are all in hell! China is the safest country in the whole universe! Only you can compare I can't? How double-standard that is??' " 

So ya, here I am now, free from all that made-up guilt imposed by authoritarianism-mixed-with-extremism-cult-like parenting on me for 37 years which was spread like stage-4 cancer by the regime because it is the core of that regime. Never any respect, hardly any understanding, neither between authority and commoners nor among family members.  

After all these years' struggle, including a near depression experience, landed safe and sound on my 37th birthday, I decided that I had enough of it. 

At last, I have the strength to be myself. "I told you from day one right? Why you have to apologize to anyone? You did nothing wrong." "Luckily you were somehow very sheltered from your society, I found you extremely pure from the beginning, guess not many people at all are like you." God bless my husband who keeps me sane. 

Ok, being myself right? The first thing I pick up? Stop killing animals! Well, the most burning desire for me is to stop using plastics, but it's kinda impossible because of the world we ended up living in. You can imagine how I feel whenever I add some more plastic waste to Earth in my journey here. I try to numb myself nowadays so as to close my eyes and ears in my mind each time when more of it is created by me.

And yes, rumor has it right, the Chinese (well, not all) are obsessed with eating animals and the different parts and organs of them.  

I begged and begged, in spite of knowing the unavoidable tragedy. They killed him, the little dog who was always chained up in the front yard of my grandma's house. From Monday to Friday I was desperately waiting to meet on the weekend that little guy who I considered my own. I pretended to take pork, chicken and fish for myself but they all ended up on his little plate secretly. His best moment was when I freed him from his iron chains so he could jump on me. I didn't get to spend that many months' weekends with him because he quickly grew big enough to be food on the table. 

That was one of the darkest days of my childhood, amongst the other darkest days. I begged and begged and begged but nobody looked at me, nobody heard me. I refused to go to my grandma's house for that whole weekend so I was locked up in the apartment all by myself. I refused to eat anything but was afraid of being punished, as well as famished so I gave in to the dinner they brought back, at least they knew to not bring my baby to me in a bowl. I cried and cried and cried until there was no tear left, but nobody saw it, nobody knew. I still cry today.

Yup, this is why all my memories are blurred and I'm so comfortable with cursing words. And fuck with the pets, well, until my children are now obsessed with them, let's see...

The concept of vegetarianism was very alien to me initially, so as to all the Chinese under ccp. I can't remember how many fights between my mom and I were ignited by the fact that my husband doesn't like to eat meat. At least 5 to 8 years I would say, until they stop adding scorn, an easy dismissal, in their tone when it came to my husband's choice of diet. Cause they finally kinda accepted it, as long as he can make money right? "But it's just him but him, his whole family eats meat, they are the warriors." That was me trying to please them. 

Over the years I got more and more familiar with it, got more used to it. My husband, my dear mother-in-law, my understanding about fasting, many of our Indian friends and their family, most of them tall and big. Then one day the idea of myself doing it came into my mind. It was just a tiny seed, I was not sure if it would ever sprout. Also thanks to all the non-Indian friends who suddenly turned into a vegetarian. "Oh wow, is it a fashion thing? A new lifestyle?" 

Then Noah's brother, the first non-Asian white, declared to be one, out of health benefits since he is a doctor. That was a very good surprise. Wait, was Albon a vegetarian? I can't even remember it clearly. He was all about Chinese culture and nowadays yoga and yogi. Now that I think, he was a vegetarian! With all that knowledge he shared with me about all kinds of bean products and tofus! How I wish my friends from my 20s stayed with me close by...

And then Rohan, the almost-5-year old made up his mind to stop hurting animals. "Mommy, if I don't eat the fish and put it back into the ocean, will it start swimming again?" After at least two months' consideration, one day he came back home and announced: "Yes Mommy, from today, I will stop hurting any animals. I do like the taste of meat though, but I don't want to hurt them."

"Can't you have as much respect to me as Rohan's mom to her 5-year-old son? I am 37 years old! " This line I rephrased over and over again in my mind, still don't know if I would use it while coming out of the closet or just hide there forever, trying to avoid being spotted. 

At least nothing is there to stop me now, at least. 

Believe In Your S.E.L.F.

Looking back, from the time I started recording my thoughts, views and daily lives into videos, I've grown so much. 

Actually from day one that was 12+ years ago when I started sharing my journey with my Indian husband online, I've transformed head to toe. 

In fact from the time when I first had internet and started blogging and writing, no matter what language, I've walked so far. 

Over the years, I'd been beaten to bruises, I'd been broken to pieces, I'd been burned to ashes. 

But at the end of the day, I've always found my strength somehow, somewhere, and kept walking my own path, headstrongly. 

If you ask me what's the most important thing I've learned in my journey. 

I would proudly tell you: no matter how they hurt you, demean you, dismiss you, even they're your most beloved. 

Just believe in what you think is right and keep walking. 

Because that confidence inside of you, nothing is shinier and more glamorous than that, in the whole universe!