Leena ♥

It is really hard work, I had sweat dribbling on my face, my back, and my ass. It was difficult to breathe under the n95 mask and my glasses under my sunglasses gave me a headache. For the whole time when we were on campus, I was trying to shake off the feeling that "what morons we must look like" and convince myself that "we had no individual identity but only a message we had the audacity to show to the world".

Without Leena, I would never be able to do it. When I was barely putting myself together, and trying very hard not to act down but up. Leena was super strong and tactical. She wasn't able to wrap her head around herself, but she was able to come up with surprisingly firm and encouraging comments such as "It's our first day. We are only trying out, and we will keep trying and find which is the best place and best time. We should come at the proximately fixed time each weekend, in the same best spot..." The other times I tried to lighten up the mood by talking serious nonsense mostly I couldn't understand myself, she knew I didn't know what I was talking about, also we didn't want anyone to hear our voices, so we were in silence for the longest time. 

As usual, I was very scared that this is just a one-time thing so I didn't want to set any expectations. It's a lot to ask, no? It's not her country, not her people, not her life. On the contrary, it's really hard work, walking around in that heavy disguise and standing in the sun for hours holding up the banner, to no one, to people who couldn't care less, or to something unpredictable. There were Chinese kids who knew exactly what it was and laughed in our faces like it was too funny a joke. But she did all this for me.

I couldn't stop ridiculing myself in my own head, however, I dare not share it out loud, not sure how it was gonna affect her. I was worried that it was too hot or too tiring for her so I kept asking if she was okay. I wanted to try out different places but I was not sure if she was on board. And then we were holding that long banner, walked down a mile to a place with nobody, stood there for a while to nobody. Then again walked up a mile, found the most ridiculous spot where kids lying on the grass or eating snacks, stood there for 20 more minutes and were laughed at by more kids. It was good to try out, but she did all that for me. 

Then on the way back to her car we parked streets away, we couldn't stop ourselves from cracking up. How ridiculous we looked, an Afro-man with lady boots who adopted a new way of walking with a limping leg; next to a short curly hair kid carrying a backpack who was trying to walk like a fat but jumpy Latino man. Luckily it was Halloween so nobody thought to call the police about two suspicious potential bank robbers.

We couldn't stop laughing on the car ride back home, tears all over my sweaty face and big hair. How typical of us, when we are together, we are forever unbelievably fun. Nobody else shall be able to understand. 

Then Raj called, asking where we were, the four of them were on campus and looking for us. How dare they! All that efforts to conceal our true identities, how dare they tried to bring the kids near us and break all that we built! Should we have a family group photo together then, with the banner? For Goddesses' sake, we tried to look like some campus kids who had no clue about family and kids!

I really wish Leena won't back out and will be in the mood to continue being by my side for this ridiculousness. And deep down I know she feels my sadness and will do whatever helps me ease my pain. Leena is my protector who has a priceless pure and golden heart.  ♥ 

Hit the street

It's indeed a very sad moment for South Korea. Usually developed countries don't know much about it, it's only associated with "poor, crowded, dirty, and backward" places like India, and "inferior, filthy, uneducated, barefoot Indians' lives don't regard to be as worthy as rich countries' fair citizens". Just the way how this world was and is. 

The stampede, there is always something that triggers it. Once the wave starts, it won't be able to be stopped. People got dragged in and pushed down in the wave, never able to get up and get out. Most of them suffocate to death. 

Chatted with J, she thanked me to comfort her during such a sad moment. They all are in mourning, and Halloween celebrations were abruptly canceled among friends and families. "A lot of bright young lives were suddenly taken..." 

I know. Precisely because I know how it feels, I know how important is to have people who understand and feel for it, and how important is to have people who are willing to feel for it with you. I wish there were more people around me who feel the same despair for my country. But I've walked so far so alone, I am used to the loneliness. And I never really have expectations for anyone. I try hard to make my life here count, try to make other people laugh, and do everything for them. But deep down, I can never stop the feeling of being left all alone in this universe. 

But I also developed my tactics to cope. Without the shame of disturbing others, I relentlessly share whatever information I consider relevant with them; and without the excitement of being seen and liked, I headstrongly speak up for whatever I consider vital. I know most of them don't really care and I know most people can't stand a person who expresses oneself like how I do. It's never loveable or pleasant, especially when you are a woman. Nevertheless, I solely can't pretend to be anything else. 

At least I have Leena to go to the street with me. No matter how strangely and immensely different Leena and I think, we always find that weird way to be with each other, support each other and love each other. Brushing off the discomfort that pops up once in a while due to our unignorable differences. At least both of us are completely transparent, never holding back or hiding. Whatever people can see is whoever we are. Both of us are so hot-tempered and headstrong, exactly like firecrackers. The difference is I've been groomed to be polite and compliant throughout my childhood, so I can easily maintain a good stance on the surface. If the affair is nonconsequential, I have the "wiping out mechanism" to forget all about it, only exploding on matters that are deemed pronounced. On contrary, Leena sprints on all. Lol, anyways, just different mechanisms to cope with living in this miserable world...

All of a sudden, Raj is moving on fast to the project with P. I do not understand how the world could shift within an unnoticeable moment, the same way I do not understand why the world stays indecipherable for most of us' longest duration of being. I do not understand, so I do understand. I do understand, so I do not understand. 

Nobody knows what's coming for them at any given moment, not even when things were long gone. It's only that imperceptible longing as if you might be not alone, not left alone. 

At least I have Leena to go to the street with me.

Darkness is Never Too Far Away

 

#北京四通桥 #四通桥勇士 #四通桥横幅 #四通橋勇士 #彭载舟 #孤勇者 #不要核酸要吃饭

 

Diwali

I know humans are weak, we turn to succumb to authority, be it an authoritarian ruler/strongman or an authoritarian religion/ideology; we incline to be selfish and shortsighted, easily giving up long-term freedom for the benefit in front of eyes; and we can surrender to fear, hatred or any kind of phobias without putting up a good fight or thought... But deep down in each one of our hearts, we have never stopped longing for light, and longing for love. May the victory of light shine on the brave ones who fought hard for it, may the victory of light can also shine on the ones who still live in the endless darkness, one day. 🙏

人類軟弱，我們屈服於權威，對專制的強人或宗教與意識形態下跪；我們自私和短視，輕易為眼前利益放棄長遠自由；我們常無任何抗爭與思考便向恐懼和仇恨投降...但在每個人的內心深處，從未停止過對光和愛的渴望。願勝利之光照亮敢於抗爭的勇敢者，有朝一日也能照向仍活在無盡黑暗與苦難中的人🙏 

And I do love, love all of them...

Supreme Dictator

The other shoe has fallen, Xi has overwhelmingly defeated all political rivals, successfully consolidated the highest possible absolute power as a supreme dictator, to a degree as nobody has anticipated or imagined. China now officially leaps from system authoritarianism to dictator authoritarianism. Hence China will now race into the worst possible path people ever imagined. There's only darkness left there. The next ten years are gonna be dark for the whole world. 

Now the last breath of hope has vanished. We had been anxiously waiting for that miracle to drop. A miracle that the sure-to-be emperor won't take full control of the party, therefore economic reform and a certain degree of diplomatic openness could still find their place, as the result of political struggle and power balance. Now with absolute power, he is allowed to do whatever he wishes, and he will apply whatever his mind thinks is logical or viable to the powerless people. 

In the 41 years when Mao was in absolute power, there were famines that one of which killed 40 million, uncountable purges and class struggle to wipe out entire classes and clans, and a decade-long Cultural Revolution washed away thousands of years of culture and civilization, only to leave fear, shame, and oblivion deep down in people's hearts and minds. The only way to make it stop was to wait for the dictator's death. As of today, we have officially arrived at another beginning of decades-long suffering, with a dictator that is even redder and crueler than the previous one.  

I cried like crazy for a few minutes, then I abruptly stopped and just couldn't continue anymore. I was not able to cry for days and weeks. I somehow, out of a sudden lost my capability to express my fear or complex emotions. My world has sunk. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep no more. I carried on in my daily life robotically and emotionlessly. I only have been trying to make my kids and kids in my classes and teams laugh, like a job, like my duty, but I haven't really laughed or smiled for nobody knows how long.  

None of my people have gotten out. And it's clear as the day to me now, there is no future left for any of them inside. I mean how can anyone, if they are not crazy in the mind, promptly leave whatever they have behind and go to a place they can't even understand a word. And there was no way to get passports, no way to get visas, and no way to physically get out for the past three years. Onward, all aspects imaginable only will be harder. And do I ever dare to go back there anymore? I will be risking my entire disappearance and nobody will give a fuck or be able to give a fuck. My world and their world, hence are forever parted and pacing in opposite directions. Most probably last time when I saw them in China, would be the last time in decades.

My heart bleeds for my baby cousin brothers and sisters, there is no prosperity left on their way to achieving financial security, and there is no protection left for their most fundamental rights as decent human beings. In the same way, my heart bleeds for all the young people struggling in there, barely to survive. And the hundreds of millions of poor, basic living will only be harder as the dictator wishes to go full-on communism and collectivism. More and more tragedies will occur, and more and more brutal death will break out. Our lives have never been more valuable than ants since the beginning of Chinese empires, have we?

I don't know how to cry anymore.

***

I did cry at the end, in spite of being emotionlessly numb for days. 

Cried hysterically when I went to sleep at 3am, for a long time, not able to snap myself out of it. In his daziness and confusion, my husband kept telling me to control it, and "nothing actually happened". 

My heart was torn to pieces, I couldn't stop the violence and brutality when darkness excavated my heart out, leaving a cold hollow. I don't remember ever being so heartbroken, hauling and gasping for air. Where I came from, my childhood, my memories, my family, my old friends, now only suffering is left for them and now deep down in my guts I know, I've lost it all, forever. 

Growing up knowing we didn't have the immense unluck to be born in the time of turmoils, time of father's extreme hunger and education rights being stripped away for a decade, but now this immense unluck has again fallen on us all. 

I cry for the suffering that's going to come after everyone. 

Then I will stop, wipe my face, learn to be stronger, and stand up to fight.

American Constitution and Religious Freedom -- Fintan O’Toole: Is America's democracy under threat? (1)

In Mr. O'Toole's eyes, as an outsider to America, there are concerning factors that might pose threat to America's democracy (I kill for great writers' perspectives on current politics thus making this summary for myself).

1. One of the most constitutive aspects of the creation of America, as well as has been taken for granted and increasingly threatened, was the separation of church and state. This Jeffersonian idea of "nobody could be free if there was a state church" constructed America's religious plurality. And this was one of the most radical, admirable, and important statements that were written in the American constitution. This statement was not an anti-religion statement, on the contrary, it was a guarantor of religious freedom. 

The American constitution was written in the 18th century, it was in its time such an extraordinary and inspiring document, therefore we find it difficult to think of it other than a sacred text. Statements such as taking religion out of the state were not only a brilliant political construct for the creation of the United States, but also were fundamental statements about the human condition and about how human beings can interact freely with each other. However, because it has been viewed as a holy writ, rather than a historical and political construct from a specific time, there is a natural tendency to put religion back into the state to make the constitution itself kind of quasi-religious.    

In contrast to constitutions such as German and Japanese which were developed in the 20th century, precisely after WWII, those were using American constitutions as fundamental frameworks, but much easier to adapt to changing circumstances. So one of the great tension in the American system is that because ways of changing the American constitution is very very difficult, the supreme court becomes an overly powerful arbiter. Also, a lot of unenumerated rights were not written down in the constitution, thus it has become a difficult business because America doesn't have a process for public and democratic engagement in changing the constitution. 

Emperor

Has been down for days. At this age, when I’m down, I'm more cynical and mean. Not to be mean to anyone in real life, only to scream in my own head. 

How can I be not down? The world is racing into a pitch dark for me. I wish I could be carefree, I wish I am not aware of the darkness lurking about, I wish I stay ignorant and innocent, stay brainwashed too. But I have never been like that, have I? If I were carefree, if I didn't have a sharp eye to see through what was truly happening in that darkness, I literally wouldn't survive, would I?

Many haters say "I wish China never had that golden period to grow, hence CCP won't be so powerful today and pose a threat to the whole world". If China didn't have that 40 years (1980-2020) of growth, if China's door has been shut and never got open, I wouldn't exist, would I? Even if I could be brought into this world, I wouldn't have the opportunity ever to study, to learn, to run out, and have the life I have today, would I?

Mao died, so Cultural Revolution finished, and the suffering of the billion people finally started to ease. Then the leadership did a series of adjustments - canceled lifelong tenure for individual leaders, shrank down the military, proposed technology development, rekindled with the West, and opened China's door to become the world's factory. 

But without political reform which could result in power loss for CCP leaders, there is always a chance for men like Xi to rise up to absolute power. In 1989 people went to the streets, and as a result, USSR collapsed, but China took the opposite turn. 40 years, it was just a dream. Now time to wake up, and Chinese people go back to the dark. Our life has never been more valuable than ants, for the past 2000+ years. 

I don't feel content to be able to escape, because how many could be like me, having such luck to cross over to the side of light? Or have I ever? Crossed over to the side of light? 

Begins in dark, ends in dark. The only comfort I take is to be able to work for something that brings upon a tiny ray of light. Too much blood, too much screaming, the only peace in me comes from the faintly burning candle deep in my soul. 

Aren't we all? 

Barely surviving, day to day, hour to hour. Breathlessly crawling, inside our own cage, carrying our own prison. 

From now on, it would only get worse. China has again taken another drastic turn, falling back into the abyss. The endless darkness, has defeated us all. 

Some basic human historical facts too many people are ignorant about

In case one day your child comes back home and asks you "Are our gods and goddesses Fake? My friend said so". 

You can reply: 

1. Our gods and goddesses symbolize a way of living and it belongs to an ancient "religion", if you'd like to call it that way, in fact, the only surviving ancient religion. A way of living so to accept and respect the Unknown, and any expression on the path of searching is tolerated and respected based on our way of living, anyways. Thus when "our gods and goddesses" already existed for thousands of years, your friend's "one true male god" was just written into books. 

2. Just so you know, all the ancient religions, like ours, Mayan, Egyptian, Assyrian, Greek, Persian, and ancient Chinese etc, all of them had equally powerful Goddesses that ancient people worship, like how we still worship goddesses today. It was only later that society was more divided, and gradually men became more powerful, thus in the young religions that were less than 2000 somewhat years old, only male presence got written into books as the divine or main deity. In the young religions, women only exist as secondary, attachment, sin or property. You should be so proud that we still celebrate Goddesses today, like how ancient people did thousands of years ago. 

3. Tell your friend America is a democratic country, religious freedom is each and every citizen's fundamental right, and also is each and every citizen's duty to protect. What your friends learn in the church is his/her freedom, but running around outside and making comments that violate religious freedom is different. They should know the line.

Escape plan

When driving back from the pumpkin patch to Dib's house, Raj suddenly asked me, "If I decide to go with the startup with P, we will need to live in India for a few years, do you think we can do that?" "Both our families? Getting two places next to each other? Hell ya!" 

Raj has been testing out everything with everyone and trying to find what he really has the passion to work on, as well as most likely to succeed, in various startups or startup ideas. P's wife has always been as close as a sister to me, I can't wait for them to come back to the bay area next month. If we two families need to go to India to live for a few years, lol, what an adventure! We two Chinese girls are gonna have so much fun there, doing Goddesses know what.... 

What can I say, for all of Raj's career decisions, I gave the green light. I treat him like my children who need the freedom to grow into their wholeness and find their own path. Men are still children, they don't adapt they don't bend they don't want to be caged. Women also don't want to be caged but women adapt and women bend. 

If one day going back to India to build the most promising startup among the million of them from Raj's startup list becomes inevitable, surely I wouldn't be the one to block the opportunity, and most probably I am gonna have one of the most important adventures of my lifetime.   

The resolute will sets it all in motion, and the other matters will naturally fall into place. Academically my children are gonna surpass all of their peers when or if they come back; music they hence will start classical Indian music training, Indian traditional dance too, for Aditi; sports maybe we can find personal trainers for the things they are most passionate about, horse riding too, most probably. My work? The only thing is I won't meet my prof in person regularly. But even today my team is all over the world, and no one except my prof is physically reachable. What about Leena Noah Dib and S? Well, we will come back one day. 

So funny that Raj's question came at the same time as the discussion of Roe V Wade resurfaced after talking to K today. I have always regarded them as Raj's side of friends, but I did try to connect with K like a close friend with sisterhood. That's what I do usually, with no distinction to all the people I encounter. I never hesitate to share my stories and my thoughts on various issues. People who feel strongly about it will try to build that connection with me, and people who feel nothing or prejudice won't give a dame. Simple as 1+1. I guess for us we have just been too busy to hang out, plus our kids don't naturally attract to each other. 

K has been seeing what I post on social media, so she knows exactly where I stand. Today she told me that she was "completely blown off by what's happening in America". She was "very disappointed to see such few women stand up to fight for their own rights before they can still openly fight for them". "Even Iranian women are much braver". Now they are seriously "considering moving to Canada and asked their brother to stay put in Canada and never ever think about moving to America". There was a tipping point for her, her daughter had this BFF boy from 3 - 4 years ago. The two always enjoyed each other's company and they kept asking for playdates with each other. Then one day, this boy was in K's house, like any normal Indian, we have Goddesses and Gods' idols in the house somewhere. "Mine are in the room upstairs, not like on his face or something". So when this boy went to the upstairs room and saw those Goddesses and Gods' idols, he told K's daughter, "there are all Fake gods, there is only one true god in the world". This boy and his family are strict churchgoers. 

Not saying all strict/regular churchgoers are fallen into the cult mentality and forgotten how to live, but my alarm is forever hot for such a situation. "I have to say you are better than me, I don't put in any effort in developing intimate relationships with people like that. My ears are always standing when people talk about such things. Well, Raj is gonna scold me for being 'not open', but what can I say, mommy is extremely tired, she has no energy to put herself in misery. I have to admit, this is all new, Roe V Wade changed everything for me. I am now too scared and too disheartened to try, my bars are risen up much higher... You know Hinduism was not even a concept until the last few hundred years after the British had to put it into the category of 'religion' so they could understand themselves. Well, not saying they did understand it well like decent human beings. Whatever the Bharat people have been doing for 5000-6000 years, is just a way of life, a way to accept and respect the unknown. And when the spiritual pursuit is largely regarded as unknown, anything could thrive in the land of India. Including all of those young religions that later were brought upon to brainwash people, like Islam and Christianity..."

"Ya, exactly, India allowed all religions to settle and flourish. We never felt the need to exclude and eliminate, never the need to preach and convert. Precisely because we worship whatever we want, millions of Gods and Goddesses, Gurus and Saints to choose from. Everyone has the freedom to believe in whatever or whoever they want. And create your own religion like Jainism, Buddism, Sikhism etc!"

"Right! People are simply ignorant. What can I say, most people in your and my life are as ignorant as fuck, that's why most human beings can be easily brainwashed into oblivion. For me, being brainwashed by my dictators who are the one and only male Gods like Mao Zedong and Xi Jinping, or the Kim Jun-il family, has absolutely no different from being brainwashed by their one and only male Gods. Whoever believes in that 'Absolute' shit, could be considered being brainwashed. And guess what, for all of the ancient religions, Hindu, Greek, Egyptian, Mayan, Assyrian, Persian, and Chinese too, before the Qin dynasty... they had powerful Goddesses, all of them. Why? Because women are naturally powerful, can men carry a baby inside of them and push that thing out of their vaginas? No need to mention bringing up offspring the way mothers do, to protect, nurture, and guard. Women and men were equally powerful and important at the beginning of human societies, both held up equally essential social positions. In some societies, women were more dominant too. But later as life was getting materialized and more comfortable, women got the luxury to stay at home, and work was more divided, therefore gradually men got much more power since they work outside. So then those young religions came up, with solely the one and only male God getting to be written into their made-up stories, with no sighting of equally powerful women. Women since were written to be 'secondary', 'attachment', or 'property'. But Hinduism or this way of life we are following embodies one of the original human quests for 'who we are, where we come from and where we are going', embodies the original encounters humans had when they saw the magical nature and the true wild. In this universe, Nothing is Absolute, and our way of living, I would say is the only way of living and thinking because it's the only surviving ancient religion, that has the capacity to host this truth. Not saying people in different religions, especially monotheism won't believe that Nothing is Absolute, depends on how much they allow themselves to be brainwashed actually. It varies case by case, but for me, uh uh, mommy is too exhausted."

Now my mind has been taken back to the "escape plan" that Roe V Wade brought upon. India for a few years, sure, why not! But what I really dream about, is Taiwan. Only if there is no fucking CCP or dictator who aims their nukes and missiles on that magical island. I tell everyone, "You know what, now I think about it, Chinese culture had so much influence from India and the Hindu way of living. When I was young and still following my grandma to our local temples, we had all kinds of Gods and Goddesses worshipped in the temples - God of the oven, Goddess of Earth, God of the ocean, Goddess of compassion, God of fortune etc etc. That imprinted diversity and tolerance deeply into Chinese culture, Buddism which came from India. So when preserved Chinese culture met with democracy, like in Taiwan, they have the highest quality of life in Asia, also in the world. The best democracy, the best equality, the best social welfare, everything. Look at their female president that truly loved and respected by the nation. Can America achieve that, no freaking way, not for the foreseeable future. Because the flower bed of European settlers' America is conservativism from monotheism, whilst the flower bed of Taiwan is the openness of Chinese culture that had a strong connection to the spiritually free India. If America is not able to hold that fortress of religious freedom, diversity and tolerance as set by the constitution, it won't fundamentally be a free and modern nation anymore. As simple as 1+1". 

Summer end

Feeling a lot of heat inside, oops, the period is coming. When I'm hot, I post summery photos on social media. At least I'm able to feel hot now, after a good few days of sadness watching evil cult leader men slaughtering, killing, lying, getting away to wash their bloody hands and keep fucking/raping whoever they pick.

Well, my social media, everyone is there: all of my Indian family, hundreds of eyes every day preying on me; all of my coworkers, like my prof and his wife, paying close attention to what's happening to me for the past 10+ years, and likewise; my Indian friends that I got to know through Raj over the years, they were and will mostly be Raj's relationships; and all those old international friends been there for decades through my universities in XM and Lille, and works in the Netherlands... I love my social media, everyone is there!

Then suddenly I realized, oops, today is Karva Chauth! The festival in north India when wives fast for a whole 24 hours to pray for their husband's hundred-year long life. I did Karva Chauth for like two years when the wives still thought I was one of them. I was having a good attitude too, eager to learn, with no detail too small no question too dumb no fun too insignificant; even deceived to look like I was one of them. 

I was relieved that after two years nobody invited me anymore. I would have said "no thank you, I'm busy at school tomorrow" or "my mother-in-law and husband are worried about my health and not allowing me to do it". The truth is, it's not my in-law family's culture, if I don't put my head in it voluntarily, nobody would ask me. Praying and starving so my husband could live for a hundred years therefore I won't be banished by society when he's not there to install a ceiling over my head whatever fuck the correct phase is? Raj would laugh so hard on my face himself. 

My husband and Raj, Raj and my husband, there's no difference whatsoever when I interchange these two pronouns. Raj, my long-term friend who supports whatever fuck I do as a crazy feminist happens to be my husband. There is no more element of "supposedly adherent to husbands" added to "my husband". I am that lucky. Not saying people who celebrate Karva Chauth are not, just clarifying. 

Obviously, I love to know more, love to see. All sorts of ceremonies, religions, thoughts, thinking patterns, habitual behaviors etc, from all sorts of backgrounds and histories, from humans, animals, and aliens too. What I will never do is narrow down on a fixed pattern, dig a hole and plant my feet in it. One or two times I could enjoy myself in such ceremonies, be it a religious wedding or praying like there's no tomorrow, or fasting to death. More than that Raj often finds himself dealing with a version of me all over the place picking fights with stuff, be it the weather, the humidity level, or the color of the wall; looking for alcohol, and trying my best to sneak the fuck out. Wait until I scoop a cigarette out of the inside of my clothes somewhere somehow. After Roe V Wade, Raj would never put me in a position where there could be a church nearby. He would still try to "correct" my attitude, but he knows what's the best to do if we all simply just wanna have a good day. Well, to be honest, Raj loves it when I start to escalate into a different version, either due to agitation or alcohol or hard life, it turns him on, hard. And guess who is his no.1 grade-A Japanese porn star?

Anyways, I have earned my freedom with blood and sweat to pick whatever I want from wherever I want, one or two things from here, one or two things from there. And I am gonna hold on to that freedom like there is no tomorrow. If anyone dares to demonstrate a slight attitude that is close enough to be noticed by me, my response would stay the same: why not go fuck yourselves, hope you enjoy.    

Happy ending of the summer and the beginning of winter!

If you see this in future, forgive mommy plz

 

"3 years in the pandemic, the kids grew up just like that..."

"Don't you feel that the Chinese in them decreased so much, they are all Papa now?"

"What?! What are you talking about?! Wait a minute... They indeed had more Chinese traits in them back in 2019, now their Chinese genes gradually diminished and overtaken by Indian genes!" 

"Ya, I think both of them got so much darker by going to beaches and all that. Shiva still looks kinda like a Chinese while Aditi is completely an Indian girl... well, at least Shiva got that Chinese hair... actually, they look exactly like village people from Laos... not anywhere from the city, but villages somewhere in Laos..."

......

[Just wanna thank you kids to keep us entertained, powering us through shocking and sad global catastrophes one after another]

Within

what world are we living in

 existing among evils and monsters? 

why fantasize about heaven and hell? 

wherever humans go, hell follows

wherever humans stay, evil resides

heaven and hell, darkness and light

it all is the same and it all is within

it had never stopped happening

from the beginning to the end

nothing had ever changed

no matter the layers of disguise

aren't we the most diabolical existence?

but there's a way to escape

the only way to escape

and it lies within

don't go wherever humans go

don't stay wherever humans stay

search for freedom

and grant yourself the freedom

Dreamy

Such a dreamy feeling when listening to my favorite commentator on Chinese affairs praising this author to have written "the most powerful indictment of the regime and its zero COVID policy I have ever read so far"; my favorite commentator said he "has always been profoundly respecting" this author and "viewing him with the highest regard", and this author is actually one of our organization's core assets, yesterday I just got to know all the details about his association with us and how and what we should be doing to keep taking care of valuable asset like this. In the following weeks we will start to have a lot of meetings and discussions about the work that I am leading, and one day soon we could meet in person over our organization's gathering plan. 

It's a small circle for sure, most of us are in the hiding, if one day the time comes when we could safely come out, most probably we will all be like, "Oh, it's you! I've followed your work for years and always respected and loved for what you do!" For now, I am standing on a fairly safe ground where I feel a certain degree of comfort to let certain people know my real identity, but I still will largely be the force of resistance in the dark. I can feel more and more responsibility falling into my hands gradually and I will have to start acting like a mature adult because other people and their family's life and future depends on me. 

What about my losing faith in China and the Chinese people? What about me giving up because of the brutal experience I had with China? I guess that's already in the past now, no? It left no grudge even no trace in me, I am back to that silly girl who wanted to change the world with her bare hands, no? Hence let's just turn the page and keep moving on. The tunnel is still full of darkness and we haven't walked far enough to see that light. 

Me

Daddy volunteer Mr. C remembered almost all of the children's names. All the Tuesday mornings for the past month, he has been super fast on all tasks, watched all tables closely, and kept interacting with, encouraging, and teaching all the children. How come some parent volunteer so got it together while I couldn't even remember the names of three children after so long? When did he memorize all those names? And how come he always finished his portion of work so fast and helped me with mine?

I think most people are like that, things are put together for them, men or women. They are focused on tasks, efficient and sharp, and always aim for their goals. But I am rarely not head in the cloud. What exactly am I doing in life? I have no freaking clue, to be honest. To start my day, I gotta listen to "Unstoppable" over and over again. To end my day, I gotta listen to "Unstoppable" over and over again. My son never likes that song, it's no rock.

I have no idea what world I am living in. Sometimes in this reality, but sometimes I slip away and roam around in different dimensions. Reality and imagination, aren't most of the realization come when in unconsciousness? Who is there to tell me what is truth and what is disguise? I easily get lost in between. I don't believe any being could be omniscient, or any being could be any being's savior. Not knowing, getting lost, and being clueless is exactly the core of existence. Why do people always need to imagine some kind of closure at the end? What's "the end" anyway? You come and you go, not triggering even a tiny bit of wrinkle in the still ocean of time, floating aimlessly like a speck of dust in the endless darkness, from the beginning to the end, no light to shine on it. Isn't this the ultimate truth? 

Raj was telling me, he's been finishing up the podcast where my prof was interviewed and he truly thinks China is going to go through drastic changes in the coming decade(s) and I am at a pivotal moment of time, people like my prof can help push through a lot of changes and people like my prof needs a hand from people like me.   

The truth is, when am I not in a pivotal moment of time? I have always been thrown right into the center of hurricanes and grasping onto whatever I can to get through, get through all kinds of stuff. 

I am fearless, I am afraid, I am confident, I am putting myself down, I am simple, I am complicated, I am strong, I am weak, I am smart, I am clueless, I am hot, I am cold, I am sun and I am rain. What am I not? Clear-headed is what I am not. It's just who I am, everything is entangled and messed up. And I can't change who I am. 

So just let me live, however short and insignificant that is. Let me be stuck in my own world of fantasies and imagination, let me experience serials of events in my own way, different from anybody else, forward in time or backward, time is just another dimension. Let me be stripped away of truth and reality. Let me be me. 

First Love

"Have I met him?"

"Yes. But at this moment, I am not ready to share the information about his identity with you. Wait until I get through the hurricane. Hopefully soon. Then I will let you know. You will be like 'you crazy b*!'...."

"Ya, now all I can think is 'who the f* is that?!'"

"I told you some things about my first love right? You even saw that video my and his mutual friend took of him and sent to one of the WeChat groups, I mean years ago. The last time I connected with him was when I was in my hometown in 2019, we didn't get to meet, luckily he was in his wife's hometown in north China for the western new year. But he asked the people who I was hanging out with to talk to me, and he got us connected on WeChat, we were not before that. Well, he definitely had a bunch of anonymous accounts added to my WeChat to see what I was posting. My old WeChat was public, I allowed anybody to add me and chat with me. Anyways, he chatted with me right away, he was still so funny, chatting with him all that I could feel was comfort and joy. He told me I was his 'forever one and only Goddess'. He was super nostalgic, telling me some of his side of the stories back when we were in 5th grade, I said 'sorry I don't remember lol'. He even said he still imagines 'what life with you would be like' and 'every time I spotted your mom in the street, I knew that was my future mother-in-law haha'. I swear one night I saw his baby brother from inside of my car, through the window. It was dark so only the street light shone on him. I saw his face, identical to my first love. I almost choked in the car, a heart attack. My week's stay in my hometown was kinda bitter-sweet. I was reminded of him everywhere I went. A lot of feelings resurfaced, extremely hard to put under control. My head was spinning the whole time, I couldn't breathe, couldn't sit couldn't have a minute of peace. But then Raj came to meet my family and took us back home.  

Then came the time when I was publicly defamed nationwide. I was blocked access to my old WeChat and all my social media accounts were deleted. Right before that, I actually added a few people from my old WeChat to the WeChat account I'm using now. Mainly just family so I don't lose contact with them. I didn't tell him. Because after that time when I was in China, we got back to our respective lives, rarely could find a chance or excuse to chat. However every year he sent me a message on my birthday, like in the old times, he always somehow got a birthday present delivered to my hand. And as I was losing all that faith in China or Chinese people, as I was brutally violated and beaten, I just wanted to cut myself out from that place. I thought about if I should include him in my other WeChat, but I didn't end up to. Because I knew I was saying goodbye to all that connections in China and indeed I rarely use anything Chinese anymore, not even the language. So that was that.

My first love and I studied 3rd and 4th grade together. We were on completely different sides of the social spectrum. He came from a businessman's family, daddy was famously wealthy, owning many big shops in town. He didn't study well, he was always the naughty one who was punished by teachers. But he was popular through junior and high school because he was good at sports. A lot of girls thought he was extremely handsome, they would go watch his basketball games and scream, like in Japanese movies. While I was the best student from elementary to high school, I studied well and was famous for being smart and top of all the subjects. My daddy was a government official and held a kind of high position in my small town. I played piano well and I was active in all kinds of student events. So ya, I was famous too, throughout. When we were 3rd and 4th-grade kids, we just liked each other so much, for no reason. We were drawn to each other. He sat far back in the row, and I sat in either the first or second row. The back rows were for tall and 'bad' kids, and the front rows were for short and 'good' kids. But in and out of classes we would always search for each other and our eyes always met. While I found him funny, he found me extremely funny too. I always would hear him laugh at my answers to teachers' questions as if I was telling jokes, I also found his jokes or comments funny when teachers were so annoyed by them and even punished him because of them. 

Then we were not in the same class anymore from the 5th grade but he since announced to the world that he 'was into me'. Kids that young had no idea what a relationship or friendship was between a boy and a girl. He would ask all of his buddies to invite me for rollerskating and all that 'bad kids hanging out activities'. I was never allowed by my parents to get out of my door. Years went by, I remained a top student who 'never hang out with bad kids' and 'never fell into the trap of puppy love'. My parents literally locked me up in the cage and watched me like hawks. I think he didn't take it well for 'not getting me as a gf' after all that chasing and effort. So in the summer of 7th grade to 8th grade, he announced to the world that he 'was not into me anymore'. Hence my first encounter with sexual harassment started and lasted for almost two months, because now I 'lost the protection from him'. Some loser would come to walk with me while I was walking into class. He would put his hands on me. At first on my shoulder, his head leaning on me, later more places on my body. All in public and every day I just kept walking, didn't know how to respond, didn't know to push him away, didn't know to shout. Later kids came and waited in the hall to watch how he 'companies' me into class, with his hands all over me, even pretending to kiss me or whisper in my ears. Nobody helped me, China has always been dark, especially dark in public schools in small towns. You got all kinds of people from society, including real gangsters, and very severe cases of sexual harassment and violations on school girls. I only blamed myself and dared not to tell my parents or teachers. It lasted for two months, not exactly every day but very often. I was pushed into a dark tunnel because of this and finally got out after ten years. 

Why did that loser stop after two months? Because my first love stepped in. It was because of him in the first place, and now he was also the one to the rescue. As he was announcing to the world again that I am 'his girl who nobody should touch'. He stopped all harassment of me, from that day through high school. For the next two years, he along with three other boys waited in the street outside of my building each and every day, followed me at 50 meters distance, and made sure I was safe and free of trouble. That time when he finally was talking to me on WeChat after all that years, I grabbed my chance to thank him for this. I told him I would forever be grateful for him, for protecting me and loving me. 

So in junior high, then high, we never really talked to each other, but everybody in school knew our stories and watched us from afar. We were always the center of gossip, I guess even today at this moment. Our differences grew much more significant during those years. I was a promising student who would crack the college entrance exam and go places, and I did. He stayed a 'bad student who didn't have a bright future'. For college, I went to one of China's tops, he stayed one more year in high school and went somewhere third or fourth tier, as a sports student. Sportsmen are not looked up to in China. Both colleges in XM though. In my college, I met with the smartest and most ambitious students from all over China and all over the world. I grew like a bamboo shoot in the spring mentally and experience-wise. We tried to reconnect, yes we did. Almost got to a point to meet in person. I remember being excited about exchanging messages with him on my Nokia, those earliest versions of cell phones. Then one day he called me, asking if I received his letter in the email. I said no, I truly didn't. He said he wrote up something very serious, I said I will check my email even the trash or the spam box. I didn't find anything ever. Then days passed, and we slowly stopped communicating. I got busy preparing for applications to schools in France, visas, and all that, plus college life itself was difficult and complicated enough to catch up. 

I guess I would never know what did he write to me at that time. Maybe it would have stopped me from going abroad, maybe it would change my life path in the opposite direction, also a good direction obviously but entirely different. I don't doubt that I would be as happy as I am now. But whatever happens, happens for good. Most of the time, you have no power to change the course of life. He is a responsible man, smart too, later he got a good job in the finance industry. When I was in France he tried to talk to me but we just didn't know what to talk about, and I knew he had been angry with me for going away. When my stories with Raj were circling around on the Chinese internet, for those years we never talked. Half a year after my Chinese wedding with Raj, friends told me he also got married. Her only daughter is the same age as my son. His parents knew my parents from when we were kids because I was 'the most desirable daughter-in-law in town'. Later when my parents were suffering from my decision to be with Raj, I let them know if they didn't chain me up, most probably I would have stayed with him in XM. My mom finally connected the boy with his rich and handsome family, I didn't know how she felt, regretting to iron me into a study machine and flew away? If you chain up a bird when she was little, either she would totally lose the ability to fly, or she would fly away without coming back when she is strong enough."

"Ok, I get it, thank you for sharing. But what about now? What's happening now?"

"What's happening now is that I think I couldn't and I haven't been able to get out of this teenage girl's mentality, simply because my story with my first love was branded into my bones, it has become part of me, part of who I am. And I am not able to change or control it. So when I saw this person, he had exactly the same look as my first love, the only thing different was the features on their faces. But the way they walk, the way they talk. The way they are half hiding half longing, half mysterious half mischievous. The way they look at you and the way they smile, are all the same. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely lucky to have found Raj and built a family with him. And what's between Raj and I are rare and deserves celebration. But I am stupid and powerless in this situation."

"Wait, do you guys have a mutual understanding?"

"Err, nope. I think I just went crazy and imagined everything in my mind. We have never talked, outside of our normal premises I mean. And I constantly get confused and mixed up with reality and other stuff. And you know what's the most strange? I didn't realize it until a series of dreams suddenly popped up in the middle of my sleep. You know how out-of-the-world I felt when I got that two pregnancy dreams when I was pregnant with my babies. It changed my perspective on a whole lot of stuff. Somehow I was unconsciously navigating my life following the steps of my dreams. And I saw him in my dreams, as clear as those pregnancy dreams. Those kinds of dreams that jump me up from my bed. Deep down of course I know what's good for all and what's bad for all, and the most basic, you shouldn't fall in love with anyone without getting to know how his/her views on everything right? But I'm kind of stuck for now, in a super weird way, I don't even know how to define it. Nope, absolutely no mutual understanding. And I am trying very hard to suppress it so I won't accidentally harm anybody. It's just me being stupid. That's all. Haven't you ever felt that the world we thought we are living in is not the real world? I mean what the f* were those dreams? Who the f* put them in my mind? And what the f* is happening to me?"

"Ya I know, I feel exactly the same. I have always felt that we are not living in the real world. Everything is just a dream."

"Ya right? Everything is just a dream!"

"And about your situation, I think it's amazing that you can still feel things how a sensitive young girl feels. Not saying it's easy for you, but ya, hope you get through this and tell me all about it lol. What the f* man."

"Haha sure thing! Let me just keep myself busy and keep my head down and eyes shut. At the worst, I can go and find my first love and chat with him just to get through lol. Not sure if I can still find any mutual friend in my new WeChat to give me the contact of my first love lol.... I am helpless...."

"Lol what the f* man. Stay away from all men!"

"Lol thank you for being here for me. After sharing with you I felt much better!"