對抗

This's how you do things. Keep fighting against online bullying 🤘當然要反抗 當然要對抗 任何權利與自由都是努力爭取來的。不反抗不對抗 自由表達不被網暴的空間就會被打壓被搶奪。不止網絡空間 生活上更如此。不為自己爭取正當權益 總有一天會一無所有 

#網絡暴力 #辛格莫默 #中印戀人 #嫁印度 #鄭墨沫 #嫁給印度人 #印度老公 

When?

Have I thought about when to take down the Ukraine flag I hung in front of my house? 

Yes. 

The day when Ukraine takes back Crimean, approximately 9 years after it was invaded; the same day when Ukraine gets back all of its invaded lands; the same day when the dictator from one of the evilest empires gets to be sent to his grave. 

When that day finally comes, I will take down the Ukraine flag, take it to the street for celebration and then keep it back in my house. 

It's not far now. 

It's coming. 

Don't know how to title

If I can use one word to summarize what I'm so busy with all day long, in this Earthy world with the people around me, the word is Relationships. Day in and day out, all those messages, conversations, meetings, and activities, are to build relationships around me, around us. 

First was yourself, then the "us" extended to your partner, then a family with children. Meanwhile, the "us" also included natural family members who were there for you, later extended to the ones you learned over the years that you could trust with your life and have been there for you.

I had thought it would always be just me. But as I have lived for others, I have become a pillar for them too. It's impossible that it would just be me.  

I had thought it would always be just me because I got uprooted way too many times. I lost physical connection to all of my family members when I moved out of China, only my parents followed me and helped me. I literally uprooted them too. And from childhood to now, batches of close friends came in and faded out, including online communities. Simply because I have never stayed in one place for too long, neither physically, nor mentally. I have always been evolving: getting rid of brainwashing, learning and growing with the internet, unleashing my potential with multiple fronts of work, and maturing with the experience of a woman and a mother. 

But people did stay, people did stay for me, as I stayed for them. People do need me from time to time, as I need them from time to time. Most importantly, people did have the ability to grow with me, most of them grew in their own circumstances but we were able to keep bridging with each other into the newer expanse. The ones who couldn't or didn't, fell out. 

So many had happened recently I don't even have the energy and time to write them up. No need either. All I know at this point is, time does prove everything, and kindness thus trust is indeed the most crucial element of all. Therefore we learned to form up, learned to identify and approve each other. We also learned to hold on to the most crucial and let the small ups and downs get passed by without leaving unnecessary marks. Everyone has their own struggle at the end of the day.

Finally, I have also learned to not live through my parents' eyes and perceptions. Actually, not to live through anyone's eyes and perceptions. Not even let any of those impact me, but calmly analyze, make up my own judgment, and be confident and unapologetic about it. And that will be at the top of the life skill list that I would help my children build. 

But beyond this Earthy world, I do have my own imaginary universe I have yet to explore. Make up my own rules and laws, create my own cause and effect and paint my own colors. Whenever I am able to spend a little time traveling there, I feel happy. Even just to warm up myself with diaries that write out my thoughts, that's a relief for me. 

Maybe currently I'm supposed to be fully occupied by this world filled with people and their relationships with me and this journey on Earth, I'm supposed to be the pillar for everyone and live for everyone. I do hold on to the hope that one day I will have my chance to submerge and dive into my own imaginary world, though.  

Photos

The folder is getting so big, and we've been getting so much better at taking fabulous photos. More and more natural with posts and lighting.

I had no problem from the beginning, in fact, Raj was the one who kept deleting my photos. I took some myself when 22-23 years old, Raj was afraid "it would leak" and deleted all of them. Those were my gifts to him.

Well, that's why I would never be in a serious relationship with any random person right? There should be 100% trust. Otherwise, some of my exes might use those photos to threaten me by now. Nobody dared to take photos or videos of me when I was on long-term or one-night dates, fool-around, try-out, you name it. Guess I was very clear and firm about certain things, and nobody had the guts to mess with me.

All of a sudden, Raj was okay with it. I guess he finally couldn't resist the temptation of having such a folder to go to any time, plus we have been nude very often nowadays in various places.

And after 13+ years of kinda being forced to see the struggle of women, or you could say 13+ years of being brainwashed by a hardcore feminist. Now my husband is a half-step-out-of-the-closet feminist himself, hardcore even.

"So you are not afraid of the leaking scenario anymore?"

"Ya, kind of. I surely don't want them to be leaked okay?!"

"Why not? Not that I will voluntarily leak them, but if it ever happens, I will have no problem at all with that. What am I afraid of, or who am I afraid of? Absolutely nobody and nothing, alright? And being called a prostitute or mistress and all that shit by all Chinese is any lighter than having my nude photos leaked? Nope. I have seen it all. I have lived through some of the worst 'celebrity scandals' without being a celebrity. You can say that I have tasted the 'glamorized and cursed celebrity life' without being a celebrity. What luck, no? Now I have absolutely nothing to fear."  

"But if they got leaked, there would be a bad impact on our children, ok?"

"How? First of all, it's leaked, which means we are victims. Did we make money with it? No. Were we professionals? No. Just a couple who loved each other having some fun themselves. Secondly, you mean if one day our children find out about my nude photos on the internet, it's gonna have a blow to them? Naa, they are my children, by then they should understand if any of their friends couldn't accept their parents' lifestyle of being free and fabulous, they don't deserve to be in their life. The same goes for your friends and my friends, even family. And the same applies to their own standard of selecting friends and partners. If my 15-year-old daughter also loves to hang about on California nude beaches, she should know when and how to take off what clothes, when and how if she wants to click photos, and where and what to share around. She will be taught to be smart, and I will teach her all the scenarios. If she doesn't have the ability to navigate such things, in general life would be too difficult for her to navigate through. I will keep my children away from social media until they turn adults acutally. In any case, if there is a certain reaction from her friends, whoever has a problem with it, doesn't deserve to be in her life. A very effective selection mechanism indeed, will save her a lot of time and trouble. And please don't make me go to the feminist angle."

"Ya right, when we are old, we can release those photos ourselves. Hopefully, by then there is less stigma and discrimination toward women. By then even in America, being topless for women should be as natural as for men, just like how France is for today."

"Exactly. By then people would auction my nude photos, 2 million each. 'The digital treasure of one of the best sci-fi writers of all time', 'She surely has been wild both in real life and her writing and had a fantastic and ahead-of-her-time life throughout'. As for what I am doing now in social media, I have set up my premises a long time ago and I have been consistent. I know exactly what I am doing."

"Ya right, even I was not sure if you were being too impetuous that could lead to harm. But actually, you have a consistent narrative online and your content is usually very articulated. The boldest for sure, none of my friends ever in a million years dare to share what you share, but that's precisely the beauty and value of you."

"Exactly! That's my husband talking!!"

A day in my life

My day is so long and dreamy that at the end of it, I usually forget how I started.

Prepared lunch boxes and breakfast for the children, woke them up and got them ready for school. 

Then it was the one whole hour of musical storytime for the 4-to-5-year-old TK kids. Two classes back to back. So fulfilling when they were immersed in the stories. Sometimes with a worried frown, sometimes with a curious smile. Bright eyes beaming with light. 

Feeling very light-headed after the hour of non-stop storytelling in a dynamic and engaging style, with my efforted loud voice and a face full of expressions. Not sure if I could do this after turning 50, granny is gonna need a lot of rest in between. 

Only two weeks into the new school year, when I go to the campus to pick up my own children, there are already children from my musical storytime classes recognizing me, waving at me, and calling "Ms. Momo! Ms. Momo!" Before the storytime section, when they enter the room from recess, seeing me inside the classroom, some sweet ones would call out my name, gather around me and show me their proud possessions or tell me some news of that day.

Today was also the first time for my son's 2nd grade class' "mystery reader" section. The sweet teacher almost forgot about it, but it was really good for her to open up such a section and arranged parent signups. 

She absolutely loved what I did with the children there, eyes filled with surprises and admiration. She kept saying, "This is perfect! Oh my goodness, you are so good! Oh my goodness!" She is truly such a sweetheart. 

I felt that I excelled in reading some of the story books now indeed. Because I am so familiar with each line, a lot of meaningful add-on conversations emerged naturally. Most of them went through ample rounds of field experiments. 

I am proud of myself for teaching the kiddos to love reading books, and passing down some important values like self-love, self-respect, and love for diversity and co-existence. I am proud of myself to try so hard to open their hearts and minds, to shine more light into their already beautiful lives. So they could hold on to that light for a longer time, turning into a sad adult a little bit later. 

Life is short and I am not easily letting go of any encounters. All of the encounters in current life, it's some sort of fate, some entanglement from previous lives. It's very tiring for sure, but I rather spend a little more time and make a little more effort smiling, saying "hi", asking "how is your day?" and leaning down to listen to them attentively and compliment them passionately. 

Found myself chatting with everyone nowadays, so different from that introverted version of myself in my youth. If I introduce myself or my story first, interesting people usually open up after a few back and forth. 

Spent an hour answering this very gentle Kerela woman's questions about authoritarianism, suppression, brainwashing, and all those crazy things happening in China. She was working in the fancy Indian dress store, and I was getting myself ready for the coming festival season. Only want to wear sexy short lehenga tops from now, no long Kurtis anymore. 

She got completely swooped by the kinda monologue of this "China expert", kept asking interesting questions, and wrote down many keywords like "Chairman Mao", "Xi Jinping", "Baidu", "Cultural Revolution", "1978", etc, besides my contact number and measurements. Normal people who enjoy life should be like this, generally unaware of the tragedies around the world, but are open to knowing more, intrigued even. 

She kept telling me, "I really want to know more, I wish we could keep chatting" and "I am very interested in the humanitarian situations around the world". When she asked me to "keep doing what you are doing", her eyes were getting wet. I promised to chat with her for many more hours when I came to pick up the dresses. 

Had a very successful meet-up with the web3 experts. Wrote a summary for my traveling prof and he was floored, I can feel. It's such a great feeling, knowing and daring to acknowledge how smart yourself is. It only comes with age, especially true for women who are intentionally put down by people around them for a wide range of societal reasons. 

All I knew was I had to keep saying "sorry" to people who wanted to be part of my life and that got me real busy. Occupied for being sorry, always head down. When I realized I would stay forever a victim just because of some physical features such as being a woman or because of where and when I was born, I finally stopped feeling sorry for random people. Lost all appetite for that, like I said, life is too short.

Who are equally intelligent as me? I can count with one hand, throughout my life till today. Luckily I set up my memory to be partially unfunctional, or you could say that it was a self-protection mechanism. As a result, I could never appear to be too sharp and aggressive. Always head in the cloud and disorientated. Except for that five minutes when I need to get something done. I utterly enjoy such a state, a constant state of being disorientated I mean. 

The good thing is that the men who hold importance in my life are all smart enough to know my worth, thus we could build up relationships based on that. Relationships with mutual understanding and respect. 

What more could I ask for right? At the end of the day, you just want people to love you and get through the endless darkness.