Sweet spot

Lulu is doing okay, she got back to her normal diet and potty schedules a few days ago. Chantelle feels very grateful that we took care of Lulu the best we can while she was sick. She said this was actually a valuable experience for me to see that pups are like babies, there is high and there is low. They do get sick like human babies, it's very common. Oh I love Chantelle, she is so cool. I have appreciated her since day one in Berkeley time. Guided them through getting approvals from Sravan's family, went to their wedding in Las Vegas, my children were their flower children, I was her braidmaid, and now, see their baby come and grow. I am very glad that the relationship between us four has not been affected at all by what happened with Hyperspect. I was kind of worried at the beginning, kept telling Raj that please don't drag our personal relationship into business. We did it eventually, because we four are all cool people. I guess we will stay close friends like this, see our children grow up, enjoy Bollywood movies in the theater, spend time together during Hindu holidays, and have some sleepovers once in a while. 

I got back to a sweet spot with Sabrina also, over the past year. I think the years when a woman is pregnant and breastfeeding is just unbearably risky, you never know what you would become, with the rides of hormones and all that stress. It was chaotic during the time when Aditi was an infant meanwhile Sabrina was pregnant for two times. Glad that now her depression is being treated, her kids are getting out of infancy, and she has a job that she 100% loves. We both become more mature over the years I guess, mature in a way that we are less reactive to other people's behaviors. For me, I hardly overthink for anything. For whatever people say or do, if I am not comfortable about it, I will confront and discuss it in person; if it's different from what you expected but not aiming to bring you harm, I just do a "meh" and forget about it within 5 seconds. I told her, "No matter what ups and downs we were going through or will go through, remember that, I always trust you, like really really trust you, because you have a pure heart and you are trustworthy." So ya, Sabrina is updated with all of my stories. I mean, all. She is very openminded in a lot of ways, she doesn't judge for who I am, how I feel or what I do. In fact we always have been like this from almost 15 years back now, sharing random secrets with each other and I have never stopped being in some kind of trouble. Well, the same with her. I am trying to work her up into receiving some help on sexual pleasure, got her to watch "Sex Room" and "Sex/Life", been having some discussions with her, let's see. Maybe there is even a chance that we will go to those parties together, depending on how much she wants it lol. Women in my age are funny, either they have absolutely lost hope, interest, energy, time, you name it, to enjoy it down there, or they have become super active and the horniness has gone off the chart. Well, I am only in the middle. 

I don't know how Raj got information such as "'The Naked Director' is a very good series", we started watching together over the weekend. Oh my goddesses, I almost died laughing. Raj made the volume to be extremely low because his mom was upstairs. But when I saw the way that filming crew followed the actors around while they were having porn-star sex, it was just so, Japanese. I completely lost it, hysterically squealed nonstop, so loud that Raj had to put his hand over my mouth!  

I'm still enjoying my work a lot, only thing that I was super tired on the way driving back home, in the middle of the day at 2pm! Maybe I worked too much in the morning, maybe we had too much fun over the weekend. Prof asked how was our weekend, I couldn't tell much more than baseball and softball games, he saw it in my IG anyways. I think besides that all we did was having sex, no wonder both Raj and I were exhausted for no reason. Anyways. 

Puppy update

Puppy went to the vet, did blood work, showed signs of heartburn, nausea and certain distress in the liver. Vet said most likely something she shouldn't have eaten caused it. Lulu is more than 8 years old with history of such distress in the stomach and organs. Exactly the same thing she went through multiple times before, Chantelle said it will take 2 weeks then she should be nursed back to 100%.

If I knew pups were so sensitive, like Raj said, "You should stick to strictly what she's been eating, no extra of anything at all!" I dared not to tell Sravan and Chantelle that Lulu had some extra treats from me, no freaking way. I blamed it on the kids, "Oh, it muse be the kids who dropped food on the floor, you never know." I mean at the end of the day, it could very much be the food which dropped by the kids. But it could also be me, mainly me. I have been feeling this immense guilt, plus I have to conceal this fact not letting it spill out to them. It's not easy to lie, so freaking hard. I couldn't stop blaming myself. It's all my fault, I shouldn't have given any additional treats to her, no additional any kind of meat or fruit. No matter how much she loved it, how much she wanted it and begged it. I should have acted like a responsible adult who can say No to a puppy's indulgence. Who knows what upset her stomach and digestive system. My ignorance and inexperience in this regard also killed, but that's not an excuse. She indeed felt heartburn, nausea and all that discomfort for 2 days. Sravan's "separation anxiety" or "adoption scenario" might be one of the factors that resulted her overall illness, but it didn't initiate the pain. My poor Lulu, she was being fine with me, under my care, until I messed up her stomach... I hope eventually she would forget all that pain she went through under my care and forgive me.

Till now, this has been too much of a ride for me, I don't think I can handle more of it. I am mentally exhausted. Causing pain to the others is one of my worst fear, I avoid it at all cost. My own children, fine, I carried them inside, I gave birth to them, I cared for them 24/7, literally 24/7, for the first 6 years of their lives. Although I still would fall into despair and self-blame after they fall asleep in the night, because I got too angry and shouted at them too much during the day. But overall, as how little they are now, they are still mine, we breath the same air, the guilt of "not treating them right" could easily be offset by extra effort somewhere else. When it comes to other people out of my own pack, I sniff around and walk pass tip-toe, so not to mess things up. Consequences I won't be able to handle, so I erect a wall, keep myself inside. I don't know, this indeed has been a very hard experience for me. 

A change of mind

I don't even know how to start... 

Today was the pick-up day for Lulu, both Sravan, Chantelle and baby Ashoka came after landing in Sacramento. I had been updating them the situation with Lulu: "It's the second day of her being sick, still refusing any food or water, energy low, shivering nonstop, but luckily she's still not isolating herself, but stood up to follow me around in the house; we fed her some water in the morning, she vomited out within a minute, she peed several times since yesterday; I took her to office, didn't let her walk but wrapped her up in a blanket and held her in my arms..." 

Thousands of thoughts racing in my mind: it could be something she picked up from the floor over the weekend, maybe onion and garlic from Indian cooking; it could be kids' snack dropped in the car, chocolate, nuts, whatever; it could be that Saturday night walk in the rain with the kids, some viral flu or simply getting cold in this freezing temperature. In such a gray mood, on way to Berkeley I drove my car piercing through the thick storm, my right hand gently stroke her head that strengthlessly laid on the passenger seat, my tears were screaming to come out. She seemed even less responsive compared to yesterday. I mean she didn't eat for a whole day yesterday and continued to not eat today!  

When Sravan and Chantelle got here in the afternoon, kids and I were out for classes. Chantelle asked me if this happened before, Lulu was falling down to the ground. "What? Really? Didn't happen before! I just dropped off Aditi to Taekwondo, on way back home now." It was not like she was fainting, but more due to being weak and disorientated without food or water for this long. Oh my dear Goddesses...

Basically this is what I learned from Sravan and Chantelle: 

1. If it was food poisoning, her gum could turn white, she would be throwing up nonstop, trying to expel everything out of her stomach, and she would drink a lot of water, maybe showing signs of stomach ache. But her gum is pink, she doesn't keep vomiting, she is not thirsty to drink water voluntarily and she doesn't seem to be in pain with the stomach;

2. She has severe separation anxiety, she did the exact same thing before with Sravan, first threw up the food, then yellow color liquid due to empty stomach. It was not because of bad food intake, but only triggered by her anxiety;

3. She had 4 other homes before she landed in Sravan's hands, which means she was abandoned 4 times by the time she reached 3 years old. This childhood trauma deeply imprinted in her and it's the root cause of her mental illness. She feels insecure, she doesn't play much but follows humans around, she complies to humans and acts obediently. One of the most significant chronicle symptoms of her mental illness is separation anxiety;

4. Dogs are super sensitive creatures, they can sense your emotions and imitate them. If you are anxious and uneasy, they would start acting anxious and uneasy too. Especially if they regard you as the head of the pack, they watch your emotions and act accordingly, most of the time, mimicking your feelings;

5. What happened to Lulu most probably was triggered by the fear that she was going to be abandoned again and be adopted into my family. Daddy mommy didn't show up for more than a week gave her a strong signal that she was losing them and again got thrown into the endless loop of searching for a home where she belongs. For the first few days things were fine because she thought it could be a temporary arrangement with me, since I was a friend to daddy mommy. But as time went by, she was more and more convinced that her daddy mommy were not coming back anymore.

So today when I showed up in the house to talk to Sravan and Chantelle, on the sight of me, Lulu started shivering. "What, she was not shivering when you guys are here, only doing it when she sees me? Oh no, she has been doing the shivering for the past two days nonstop! Even when I was holding her! That's why we thought she caught cold or flu! All this time when you were holding her, she didn't shiver? Oh no, Lulu!"

I went through such a rollercoaster for you... I thought you loved me, I thought I was enough for you... But what happened when you were young fundamentally damaged you and you can't help it at all, can you? If your daddy mommy were to give you up this time, you wouldn't survive at all with me, do you? No matter how much I loved you, no matter how much I loved you... 

And how am I able to handle such drama if I ought to have my own puppy? They are so intelligent, so emotional, so loyal that they are literally synced to your emotions, how can my puppy survive from my emotions pouring out like lava on daily basis? My off-the-chart fast-changing excitement, sorrowfulness, rage and stress is gonna kill the puppy like invisible venoms! And what if my puppy would do the same like Lulu, factually committing suicide when I am away from her for a while? How can I ever explain myself to her like human babies? And how am I going to bear such emotional burden and stress?

Up to this hour, Lulu has already made huge recovery from her "illness" since her return to home. Her daddy mommy gave her a cold bath since her temperature is slightly above alarming level due to all that wrap-up we did to her. Once her temperature dropped back to normal, she first ate some treats at 8pm, then at 10pm she willingly ate her can food with Chantelle, Sravan cooked chicken for her at 10:30pm, she ate 10 pieces. She loved it so much, nothing like how she felt for the past two days, turning her head away from all food. 

This is the message I sent to them earlier:

So yup, I don't think I will ever get a puppy for myself, I simply can't handle it, emotionally. 

I guess this has turned out to be a useful trial at the end. 

Pup got sick :(

It started from the morning, exact what time we don't know but when Shiva was brushing his teeth at 7am, he noticed the vomit on the shower mat. Lulu woke up several times during the night, sounded a bit more unrest than usual. I thought she wanted to potty, 2am, 6:30am, took her to the backyard, strangely she didn't pee or poop either time. 6 to 7am in the morning it's her routine potty time with big poops. 

I quickly cleaned up the vomit, herded my kids downstairs for breakfast, Lulu followed around, a bit low in energy though, compared to before. Then came the second vomit, 7:30am while we were packing lunch and eating breakfast. The first vomit was solid, whatever she ate last night didn't get digested, the second one was orange liquid, on the kitchen floor. I cleaned it up again, started feeling a little uneasy. Amidst the chaos of rushing kids to school, I asked "Ok Google", "What to do if my dog throws up?" Google replied, "If a dog throws up multiple times, it could be the indication of serious illness, even fetal, you should see a vet right away." "Holy Shit!" I started panicking, "I don't want the doggy to die in my hand!" I immediately called an animal hospital which was open. The receptionist suggested me to call the dog owner first then find an animal hospital that they use. So I called Chantelle, no answer, then Sravan, no answer. Then Sravan called me back, by then my fear was a bit escalated. 

Sravan first asked me if it was orange liquid, then told me that Lulu had such episodes before. From his tune it sounded quite normal. He said it could be many reasons, maybe she ate something she shouldn't from the floor, maybe she caught cold or some kind of virus, and Lulu throws up when her anxiety is out of control. Because she was abandoned before, she gets anxious every time when her group of people leaving to go somewhere, she is afraid that they are leaving her behind. He asked me to stick to her can food for today, no treats. If she stretches her hind legs then it means her stomach is aching. If she stays with us instead of isolating herself, that means her illness is not that serious. Because if a dog is seriously ill, he/she is going to isolate him/herself to let the pack leave him/her behind. It's a pack mentality. That gave me a lot of comfort actually, because no matter what state Lulu was in, she never stopped following me by the steps. She still got up every time when I was moving from this end of the table to the other end. But she didn't eat anything at all, we brought her can food in front of her face, she couldn't bear the smell of it, turned her head around and walked away. 

I took her to office as usual, on the way from my parked car to office she had such low energy, she didn't smell anything! I kept asking if she was okay, if she was feeling well, did she need to pee, did she need to poop, and why she didn't smell anything. "Do you want to smell this?" "Are you sure you don't want to smell that?" "Ya don't want me to hold ya?" "Sure you are not tired? Want me to hold ya or not?" She didn't respond to any of my inquiries, kept on walking with her head down, ears on the side, small tumbling steps in the middle of the road, next to mine. As gloomy as a poor kid from a poor family with beaten-up shoes that have three holes each side, no food in stomach and constantly being bullied by boys, girls and teachers. Right after we passed "Lulu's Cyclery", it was an apartment building, 5, 6 construction workers resting or waiting outside of the entrance. The first man sitting on the floor, as gray as a man can be, the others standing against the wall. A standing man saw us and initiated friendly chat with us, "Nice puppy!" "Ya, thank you! Morning sir!" Preciously at the same time, Lulu stopped her steps in the middle of the pavement, squatted down, head even lower and pooped. "Oh, she is pooping right in front of us! There she goes!" "Oh, I am so sorry, she's not feeling well. She vomited this morning two times, very low energy, something got to her. I am so sorry, usually she poops in those bushes. Let me pick these up." "Oh, poor little thing, hope she recovers soon, you both have a great day!" "Thank you sir, bye!"

I arrived in the office earlier than prof. Tried again to feed Lulu, opened the can a little, let her smell it, she turned her nose away immediately as if it was something disgusting. That's how I feel about your canned turkey rice stew each time Lulu, that's how I feel. She was resting on my lap when prof arrived at the door, where did she get all that energy to bark so hard? "I'm sorry, she's a bit sick, luckily her owners are coming to pick her up tomorrow." "She is not yours?" "Oh no, I am just babysitting... (I thought I told ya so)..." Anyhow, what a reassurance that my prof will have absolutely zero problem if I'm bringing my own infant puppy to work. For the half an hour when prof sitting next to me for a recap and a quick thought exchange, Lulu snored like a 80-year-old bad-tempered sailer man. She was on my lap and it made the snore extra loud. But prof and I conversed through the thunder and storm, without no one getting agitated, no one, at least not me. 

The walk from office back to my car was a little improved, because Lulu smelled something on the road. What a relief, as joyful as any parent seeing his/her new-born having ten fingers and ten toes. "Wow, what a good girl! You are smelling the pee on the root of the tree!" "Yes yes, smell that corner please!" "Oh, no no, that's someone's cupcake, it's not healthy for you. And whoever threw the leftover in the middle of the walk!" "If you are smelling, does that mean you are having the appetite to eat?"

Turned out that Lulu didn't eat anything for the whole day, nothing! My mother-in-law started to get worried too from afternoon onwards. "What dog huh? So much work, and see, not eating. Not good, no eating. Not feeling well..." Chantelle suggested us to get some water in her, the kids and I thought hard and came up with ways to put water into this poor little puppy. I updated Chantelle and Sravan a very detailed report on each pee, poop, and smell Lulu had from today morning. "You know what, today afternoon when I was away, Lulu ran to the garage, sat on my car's spot, and waited for me to come back home!" "Awww, she's so attached to you! She knows that she can trust you and rely on you completely." 

"I told you not to feed her all those human food!" Raj made fun of me. "She grew up eating only canned dog food, she is not going to be used to homemade!" "Oh right, maybe that's the reason... but my 'stinky egg' was eating the same food as us, I always smuggled my own food to him... Lulu has been trembling the whole time, maybe she caught cold, it was raining outside last night when I asked the kids to take her for a walk, let her poop out all that food she ate... She loved it so much, okay? She chased me everywhere, always asking for more, how can I say no? I washed all the flavors away okay? Not much of human taste anymore, you can't 100% be sure it's my homemade that caused the problem. She has anxiety okay? Maybe somehow she can sense the energy in the room and gets to know that she's going back very soon and she really really loves me like a mama! Oh no, maybe dogs are not fated to survive under my care, my poor 'stinky egg', my poor puppy that I only got to hold for one day, they all dies, now poor Lulu, oh no, luckily she is not mine... maybe in my fate I can't have a dog!" "You and your dog..." "See, it's all your fault alright? You've been so down for days, feeling homesick, missing us... we hadn't been able to properly talk for days... and I hate to see you being sad, then my energy went down, so it affected Lulu's... It's all your fault, alright?..." "You and your dog..."

Hopefully after tonight's rest, Lulu could gain some energy back and start eating some food. My poor sick puppy.... Guess what, now I am 100% assured, Lulu baby loves me regardless of the food or treats, it's just me, just me. 

Feeding Lulu water

Who can melt my heart

I think I have turned into one of the crazy dog ladies who use stroller to push their dog babies everywhere... Monday through Thursday I took Lulu to my Berkeley office in all mornings. By Thursday I had started talking to Lulu nonstop, wherever we went. "Who z a good girl? Who z a good girl? Lulu a good girl! Lulu a good girl!" We also had our long talks while I was waiting for her to poop in random bushes on the road side and picking up those stinky sticky sticks. People saw me from their cafe window must think I was talking to myself if they couldn't see my dog, but meh, it's Berkeley, no big deal. Lulu recognized the path from where I park my car to my office from the second day in Berkeley. I only needed to remind her, "Lulu, stop, wait here! Lulu, it's green light now, can you see it? It changed from red to green just now, let's go! Run Run Run, we got Only 15 seconds! It's dangerous to cross the street without watching all cars okay? Always watch first then cross the street." She would run towards the right direction, ahead of me, with ears standing in the air.

I don't allow Lulu to sleep in my bed, that's the line I draw between me and a dog. Fortunately Lulu is good at complying, on the first night I told her "no", she would never cross the line. But as day went by, I started picking her up more and more often, holding her on my chest like a human baby, especially when I see her looking up at me with such innocent watery eyes. Sometimes, randomly, for no reason, I just have this urge to put my hands on her, comb through her curly hair, lift her up, bring her to my face, whisper to her ears, bother her and walk around while shaking her in rhythm. She never seems to be bothered though, she loves it, quietly enjoys all that love. 

The thing is, she follows me wherever I go, never more than two steps away. At beginning it's mostly food motivated, but more and more I realize it has developed into love and affection, she just wants to be exactly two steps away from where I am in spite of if she's hungry or full, day and night 24 hours a day! She looks for me all the time, if she couldn't find me, she cries outside of my door and that's while Aditi is searching for her downstairs and wanting to play with her! Every night when I brush the kids' teeth she sleeps on the bathroom mat, when I send the kids to bed she follows to the bedroom's carpet, when I leave the bedroom to go downstairs she instantly wakes up from her snoring deep sleep and follows me on her tumbling steps at 10pm! Then I just hold her up in my arms to go down the stairs, up the stairs, lock the side door, fetch the mails, wash clothes, heat up water, make my drinks, eat some snacks. For whatever that I do after 10pm, I am now holding my dog baby because she's so adorable and so kind to be half-awake this late to protect me! 

Holding Lulu is like holding a toddler who's forever 1.5 years old, however a toddler without the whining to address, without the worry for development and education, and without the sadness of seeing them grow up then grow out of nest. How can I not have this motherly urge to pamper this little dependent and obedient furry creature?

Lulu is a small size poodle mix, mix with what, I didn't pay attention. In dogs' world, little dogs bark much more than big dogs, not sure I understand the correlation here though. But no matter how small they are in size, it's in their blood to protect his/her tribal members. One day a delivery guy left a package outside my front door, he pressed the door bell and went. I was not experienced therefore right away I opened the door to check. Before I realized it, Lulu already stormed out of my door and ran across the street, followed the delivery guy to his truck, and barked at him in such aggression, warning him to stay away from her humans or else he would taste her rotten small teeth and claws. That poor delivery guy even lifted up his right leg, got ready to fight for his life. Lulu is never aggressive when we are around, she never scratch nor bite. But man oh man, she was ready to fight for me with her own life. 

Another incident happened on Friday when we were buying grocery in Indian store. Aditi was sleeping in the car, Maa and I had to leave Lulu behind to shop inside the store. When we took turns coming out to check on the two baby girls, the baby dog was sitting on the platform in between of driver and co-pilot seats, 100% alert, eyes locked on the sleeping human baby, 100% quiet, not even one tiny bark. If I have to lock Lulu inside the car by herself when I run for other errands, she barks helplessly and constantly looks outside in the direction of which I left. And if I fall asleep in the car, I am pretty sure she would snore much louder than me, legs and head open in five directions, long torso draping on my head. How come dogs so loyal and intelligent? You just can't resist falling in love with them.

"Why give them canned turkey meat if I could cook fresh chicken or any kind of meat for them?" From the fourth day onward, I have been feeding Lulu the meat I cook: washed curry chicken, roasted pork spear ribs, stripped chicken nuggets, meat-attached beef bones... She trembles uncontrollably when she knows freshly cooked meat is on way. She finishes those meat in a lightening instant, I don't think I could even count to 5 before all completely disappear but an empty bowl. What a foodie. "I am gonna make you such fine cuisine that you will be addicted to merely the thought of it, and you will never want to leave me, not even two steps away, day and night. I am gonna let you eat it as your heart desires, gonna let you eat it as much as you want, whenever you want it. I am gonna let you lick it, let you play with it, let you slurp it, let you chew on it, let you suck it, let you do whatever you want with it, whatever you want...'m gonna..." Is it only me or it's sounding a little dirty?

I have started my campaign on Raj, campaign of getting my own dog one day. He sounded very hesitant, "I don't like dogs, but if you really want... just don't go to a shelter without me, okay?" "Hey, where are you now? I get really lonely okay? Dogs stay close to me at all time, make me feel less lonely..." "Okay, okay, as long as you really want... It's a lot of work okay, don't rush into it..." I wouldn't get anything before the summer when we will be in India for two months. But once we get back, I might really walk in some shelter one day. I have started researching on hypoallergenic dog breeds, they all look so damn cute and innocent, now I could fall in love with merely ads image of puppies. I guess once I am in the shelter, I will bring home the first hypoallergenic puppy I will ever meet, they all possess the power of melting my heart anyway.

I am much confident that I will be able to take care of a dog, mainly because I can bring my dog to Berkeley office as how I brought Lulu in. Prof has a cat in home, which means they are not allergic to animal hair. I didn't inform him I was going to bring a dog, just directly dropped my dog on prof's table. Prof told me earlier that his daughter really wanted a dog but they refused, it was even used against them. I guess they are too busy to tend to any dog or puppy. The first day I arrived earlier than prof, when he opened the door, Lulu barked at him like there was no tomorrow. I went ahead picking Lulu up and telling her "no no no". I also explained my situation to prof, prof replied, "It's ok, she will get used to here". On that day we worked together a lot, prof was sitting with me in my room most of the time. When we had a meeting with Tony, I locked Lulu out with door closed. Lulu started whining towards the end of the meeting. However Lulu got familiar with my prof. The second day, she only barked one or two times when we entered the building. The third day, I arrived earlier again, Lulu barked at the door which was being open but stopped when she realized it was prof. The fourth day, prof came and said to Lulu "Hi Lulu!" Ya, I am surely gonna bring my own dog baby to office, if I ever get one.

With me getting more serious about my work as well as taking up more responsibilities, I now think I can't leave America three years in a row, it's not going to work out for my work situation. I want to be with my prof, I want to build up multiple new sites together with him. I understand the significance of our work, I comprehend the importance for the future to come. It's exactly what I have been longing to do, precisely how I have always been wanting to contribute, for making a better China. Only that, compared to my own personal social media platforms, it has a thousand-time larger and higher stage. When I was younger I was naive about what the party held. Now all that layers of clothing have been ripped off, I have seen how filthy and grotesque it looks like without disguise. I have lost all hope but only the will to fight. I have also gotten rid of that tiny drop of doubt about the purpose of those who fought, because I have become them, in an identical style. Yes I want to be with my prof, in our own way. Hence we are considering the possibility of staying in India for a summer, a semester at one time, rather than a whole year or whole three years.     

Ok, time to wake up my baby dog, lead her pee and poop outside, and hold her upstairs for sleeping.

Poodle

I got a dog in my house!!! My kids are excited but I have been low key screaming inside. 

Mother-in-law came from India after we took over doggy Lulu for one day. Maa was all fine when she met Lulu in the airport, she had no allergy, neither was she scared, not a tiny bit. Now after almost a day staying with Lulu running around, maa started calling out for Lulu and Lulu loves to rest around maa when she's working on something. See, everything is fine, you just need to have a little faith, wait and see when it happens, baseless speculations and paranoia do no good. 

Lulu was a rescued dog, she was abandoned before, so she stays close to her now mommy and daddy, always just a few steps away. Now she stays close to me, wherever I go. Because of childhood trauma, Lulu doesn't do good in dog daycare. She doesn't hang out with any other dogs, in fact, whenever she sees other dogs, she barks like crazy, usually she doesn't bark at all. Her best friends have always been human adults and mature human kids. In the daycare she would be locked up in a cage for up to 8 hours. When all the other dogs are playing, she stays in a corner all by herself, not interested in mingling with any other dog. That's why Chantelle prefers us to take Lulu in while they are away.

We had Lulu coming over several times before, including one sleepover with her mommy daddy and one afternoon sitting when they went to watch a movie. On that few hours here, she got scared because we were still strangers to her, so she stayed close to our front door waiting for parents to come back. We also took her on a walk around our court, she only made it one round, refused to move on the second round. It was our (my) first time picking up warm fresh poop, I kind of had forgotten about my kids' diaper time by then. This dog thing was still completely new to me. Yes, I loved many dogs before, I cried to keep them, I begged to save their lives. But none of my effort turned out to be useful, therefore I closed my door to having dogs and loving them in an intimate way. So for the longest period of time, I was feeling very strange to be close to any dog, talk to them or pet them. It took me maybe 10 years to finally one time patted a dog, I think it was Mrs. Bradshaw's puppy Raisin. That was a big step. First time caring Lulu for a few hours, I got to use the leash to take Lulu out for a walk, communicate with her, pick her poop, even lift her up while she refused to walk more, that was a major leap.

Sravan dropped off her food, bed, leash etc, then I directly put her on my front passenger's seat, with Aditi the three of us headed out to pick up Shiva from School of Rock. As if she knew she's gonna be with us for the next 10 days until parents are back, without any stress, she farewelled daddy casually, "Ok, daddy, I will be ok. You and mommy have fun in Vegas visiting grandma, grandpa and auntie. Bye daddy, don't miss me too much." Then she just happily came along with us like we are her new family! There was no whine and no cry whatsoever. 

Around the building of School of Rock, Shiva and Aditi walked her for half an hour, let her smell everywhere and pee everywhere. She pooped too, I picked it up after waiting for it to cool down a little bit. After that little walk we drove back home for dinner, kids were hungry but Lulu was famished. Whenever we give her food, she runs in circles. "Lulu is food motivated", as Chantelle put it, she follows adults, especially moms who most likely have access to food, and begs for food the whole time when she is awake. Before dropping off, Chantelle made sure I'm updated with every detail about Lulu and asked me many times if it was still ok to babysit Lulu. What happened was Lulu accidentally ate some human crumps from the floor and had constipation for several days. By Thursday situation started getting better, due to earlier constipation, there was a lot of pooping happening on the bathroom floor, on the carpet etc. "Is the poop watery?" I asked. "No." "Oh, then there's no problem at all."

After dinner I took Lulu to our backyard, she pooped a big one, I told myself, "That should be it for tonight then". As I continued tending to my own kids, brushing their teeth, cleaning Shiva's dental retainer, helping them shower, Lulu was giving signals such as making rounds, whining and walking to the front door. We thought she missed her parents, hence she wanted us to open the door and take her home. So we dismissed her "unacceptable demand". When I came down to fetch my kids' water bottles, I spotted a big pile of poop sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor. My eyes popped open, I turned around trying to find out who did this and give him/her a lesson. Then the most innocent stare from the purest soul looked into my fury eyes, Lulu anticipated the timeline of my discovery and was fully prepared for it. My annoyment disappeared before it was even established. Lulu standing right behind me, with the sweetest voice explained, "Hm, mommy, oh no, auntie Momo, or can I call you 'mommy no. 2'? I told you I wanted to use the restroom no? I came downstairs all by myself right? I waited for you in front of the door, didn't I? Uh, so, so it's not entirely my fault..." And for the rest of the night, she pooped 2 more times in my bathroom mat. I guess she didn't want to wake me up or couldn't wake me up, so she went to the bathroom to deal with it. I was not able to get angry with her at all, happily picked up all poops and cleaned up those spots. 

It was raining so hard on a day-light-saving day when we lost an hour, I was not able to get up early this morning to walk Lulu for her morning routine. When I finally got Shiva ready to do this job for me, I smelled the signature "Lulu poop" smell somewhere around living room. I searched for it once, couldn't spot anything wrong, I scanned the room twice, couldn't add anything new to my first patrol, then the strong smell of "Lulu poop" convinced me there was indeed something wrong. With determination, I finally saw the three thick brown sticks laughing at me from my kids' living room space mat, with hot steam still on top of their head. How much did we feed her from yesterday! Or how much food did Lulu's mommy drop on the floor last week?

I love it, an innocent pure creature following me around, looking at me, begging for love and attention, keeping me company. Now we know both Raj and maa have no allergic reaction to poodles, I am gonna get my own baby poodle one day soon. Unlike Sabrina, I have no fancy for big dogs and I can't take any hair shedding and drooling. Talking about Sabrina, she happened to babysit her neighbor's dog at the same time as me! And what makes it even less in probability is that if there's a third friend who doesn't have any pet but happens to babysit a dog. But that happened too, Jason is also babysitting his neighbor's poodle at the exact same time as me. "What in the world!" When I saw the poodle while dropping off kids so Jason would take them all to Chabot Space Center, that's the exact phrase that rang so loudly in my ears.

But that was not the end of the story. Friday night, Raj called me from Delhi airport, "Did you see the news? Silicon Valley Bank is closed down today, bankrupted! Today! Friday!" "Oh, I didn't know, so?" "Our first investment for IBC just arrived on this Wednesday! This Wednesday! 2 days ago! I am traveling in India, Panda is in the east coast, now we couldn't access the fund at all, 16m of it!" "Holy shit, but ya, don't worry..." All of them got very stressed for some time, but I dared not to tell anyone, all I could think was, "What in the world! It's not like any bank, no need to mention big ones, are closing down on daily basis. And you guys have been thrown to the outer space and back with this round of fundraising, now finally the fund is here, your bank is bankrupted. What in the world!" I couldn't stop laughing, by myself obviously... Today finally some news came saying the US government is making sure all depositors can take out all funds on Monday morning, I asked in our small Whatsapp group with Raj, Leena and Noah, "Now can I please make fun of it?" "No!!!....." Leena replied. 

What can I say, as I have always been suspecting, the sequence of events are scripted by my prototype in the real physical world, I am just a simulation with deceived sense of reality. Hence the more you take things seriously, the more you are gonna lose. If fate is something that stays constantly out of your hand, if truth is something that will never arrive within your reach, then why trying so hard to act like a God who at the end of day is another fabricated and manufactured element fed into your made-up memory? Just chill and fool on. In that way maybe you can fly a little closer to truth. 

Ya, I am getting a poodle to love me and company me. 

Absurd incident

Something really absurd happened today with me and Leena. We were talking about the plan over this weekend. I was like, "Sunday Chantelle is gonna come and teach me how to care for Lulu, they will leave Lulu to my care for a week." Then Leena got to know that when my mother-in-law is in my house, Lulu will be there too. I also said, "Ya, that week I will go to office, so maa can be with Lulu in the mornings." Right away, like a volcano, Leena exploded... well at least that's how I felt when I was seeing all those messages. "My mom is scared, and she won't tell you she is scared of dogs!" "How can you do this Momo?" "You have to inform her right now about this, right now!" "How can you throw a dog on my mom's face?" "Then where do you think my mom can stay? Outside in the garden?" I was like, "That's so absurd of you saying all these... First of all, my commitment to the dog fostering was much earlier than maa's flight ticket; secondly, 'leaving the dog to maa in the mornings when I go to office' was just a thought, I will see what happens when maa is here, how she reacts to it. I do not treat your mom like a baby, I am equal to her, she is equal to me. And she is the most free with me, she is not afraid of me, she can properly express herself, we discuss things properly like adults; fourthly, nothing is decided yet, dog will be here only on 11th, this Sunday Chantelle is gonna come and teach us stuff. If maa is truly scared, I can take the dog with me to anywhere I go, if I go grocery shopping, my car has dog mode to keep her inside the car for sometime, I can take her to the office, or I won't be going to the office for that week. Worst case scenario, I can send her to the dog hotel where Chantelle has already arranged. It's not my dog, I get to return her at any moment. Who said I will 100% definitely 'throw the dog on maa's face' when maa is all swollen up with dog allergy and jumping and crying like a baby? Fifthly, talking about allergy, Raj is allergic to cats, but not dogs, nobody is 100% sure maa is allergic to dogs, maybe she is, maybe she is not. Raj is definitely allergic to cat, but nobody ever told you not to have cats, we were never mean about this fact. This trail is actually a good chance to see how maa reacts to the dog situation because if she's going to stay with us long term, or stay with Lipi who also will have a dog in the near future, the grandma definitely doesn't want to be the roadblock the kids will never have a dog in their life. Having a pet isn't supposed to be our own choice? But yes, I will consider your parents' situation, what about your cat? 'But I am not throwing the cat on their faces!' Again, nobody is throwing the dog on maa's face, it was just a thought, you could have just reminded me -- 'maybe maa is allergic and scared, ask about how she feels first', end of the conversation. Am I that kind of person who is so mean that I intentionally make your mom suffer or knowing but continue to put people in misery? [If you have not even such basic trust on me, then you don't know me at all]; Sixthly, I am not going to talk to maa about the dog yet, there is no point at all at this moment. If she is not free enough to speak up to anybody about her own discomfort with the dog when she is here, what do you expect her to tell me via whatsapp now? Again, I don't treat your mom like a child, I discuss things properly with her, it's going to be a decision made together with her when she is here, we have to see what's going to happen with the dog. Nobody is fixing on any plan as for now, so there's no point discussing the consequences. It was just a waste of half an hour. You are free to tell anybody you want though, but I am not going to, nothing to discuss about. 

She also tried to call me, but I just couldn't pick up, I told her to calm down, talk to Noah first. Later she said it's better to talk in phone, but actually all those things already been said, I really didn't want to pick up the phone and again listen to actual vocal scoldings. I told her I was scared of her. Yes I was, I have always been. Because I was in the sense of complying to a very young sister, very young, pacifying her, comforting her, always apologizing so she got to feel good about herself. Maybe now I am kind of done doing that, because it's not good for anyone, especially myself, now I am getting hurt from time to time. So if no, then it's no. Later she indeed told maa and papa the dog situation. Raj told me that papa called him, I was like, "So? What do you guys want?" Maa papa didn't tell me about it and I won't bring it up neither, there's absolutely no point. What a waste of time and emotions. I am not unthoughtful, I am not mean, I am not selfish, taking up Lulu was my way to love my friend Chantelle, they needed my help, when my mother-in-law is here with me, I will also love her and pamper her, help her find inner strength and freedom. That's the essence of me, I have always been doing such things day by day, month by month, year by year. And this whole situation has too many variables, not one single event is going to happen with 100% probability, therefore I have utterly no idea what is this fuss about.

Anyways, now I understand why I have never really built much of expectation for anybody, because rarely you find people who are as sensitive and mature as you who is constantly putting oneself down. Raj and I just discussed about this recently - now we look around, no other people/couples are in the same level of openness as us. Some people walk into wider and wider avenues, some people walk into narrower and narrower corridors, through time. Don't get me wrong, people are good, great friends and family. But being in the same level of acceptance in terms of accepting new ideas, trying out new things, opening mind to different worlds, rarely any couple in here are like us. For example, we couldn't come up with a couple who we could go to beach and enjoy with us in the most natural way. Well I know I am totally wild, the wildest artist/ painter/ writer sort, my type of people won't survive if we incline to close our minds, and I have been aware for a long time that most people's minds are not that open. At least Raj and I are walking bravely in our own path, even though we are mostly alone. But then, Raj told me today excitedly, "My friends here in Delhi, I went out with them for dinner last night, oh man they are wild, the things they talked about! They are very open minded! Nowadays Indians like me are very open, they do a lot of crazy stuff, husbands and wives. We are going to have a lot of fun here!"