Mess

My mind is a complete mess. Getting through the day robotically for all of my children's classes, developments, fun, then what's left is just me and my mess.

I do like the school though. Teaching children is all about the laugh, giggles and amazement on their faces. When I am there, they are glowing, all of them, 3 classes. That's my way of living in the moment: I use out all my strength so they get to truly enjoy it. Walking among those kids who are having lunch was such a bliss, so many of them knew me, called out to me, saying sweet hellos and waving at me. Many of them from Shiva's class asking: "You the Mystery Reader! Are you coming to our class now?" "Oh sorry, Mrs. L hasn't set up the signup sheet yet, I would love to come and read to you soon!" Then Aditi's class walking pass, kids called out "Ms. MoMo!!!" In school wherever I walk I have to keep answering and smiling to all those kids, loving all of them, what a feeling. My head spinning, I'm out of breath, I don't know there's anything more fun to live for. Last week my voice was gone, when I sang it was kind of out of tune, very funny. Finally this week I regained 80% of my normal voice, I can make very loud noise again. Sang 6 songs read 6 books to about 75 children in 3 classes. The 90 minutes in total, all of the children from 5 to 7 years old were paying great attention and laughing like it's the funniest class for all week. I was sucking on my cough candies the whole time, luckily not even once broke out coughing nonstop. That did happen to me often if I didn't have a candy in my mouth.

But still, my mind is a mess, I don't think it functions anymore. I can't process any thoughts, I can't put things together, I don't know what to think. Was I ever clear about anything? Maybe never. It's not just now maybe, but the way I am, for always? I think deep down I have always known it and maybe that's precisely the reason I never feel like I deserve too much. I will never ask for it, take it. Just a little bit, a little bit here, a little bit there, enough for me to get through the days in my messy way. That's it, life is about getting through each day, isn't it?

How can people plan out things beyond next week or next month? Unbelievable. Who knows where will I be or what strange things I will be doing... However some consistency: loving my children and the kids in school. Sometimes that could be all the meaningful part about a person's life, isn't it? Then why the struggle? Just keep being the Ms. Momo who is full of surprises and funny stories. She might seem constantly lost to adults who don't have imagination anymore. But ya, for children, that's about the definition for fun!  

Yes, my mind is a mess.

A different version

I've always been wondering, if I was brought up in an open and safe environment free from oppression and intimidation, what kind of person would I be? Sweetness and cuteness to the bone? Always soaking wet with dripping syrup and acts like just got pulled out from the jar of fantasies and fairytales? I will for sure be a sci-fi or romantic novel writer in some way. Am I still going to be an outspoken feminist or an activist on political or environmental issues? Not 100% sure...

I see how young Americans being mind free and carefree, not a single concern about the world they live in, what a blessing. Although I don't want my children to be like that, because they still have strong ties to China and non of the governments and high profile either dictators or politicians in this world is to be trusted and spared. Just don't want my children to be cluelessly ignorant about any hidden or potential dangers. 

Never seen a Chinese or Indian being completely mind free, we walk while tilting our heads and peeking back on our tails, just to make sure no one steps on it again. Indians still are way much better than Chinese, the severity of syndromes differs from social class to social class, family to family. Whilst majority of Chinese regardless social origin are tailored to be overcautious, distrustful and faithless, reluctant to inflict any social change. That's why people like us are gold, ha! 

I've always been curious about it, the blissfully innocent version of me, until I got to know my Taiwanese mommy friend C. All are democratic East Asian societies, but in my eyes, Taiwan has much more advanced women empowerment and the society is more open, compared to South Korea and Japan. I never met a South Korean or Japanese woman who was as open and straightforward as Chinese or Taiwanese. They were much more reserved in airing out their opinions and constantly concerned about their appearance, words and deeds. It comes from the preaching of "virtuous women" that was imposed to them since birth, by their family members, schools, mentors, intimate friends/partners and the society as a whole. Some might argue it brings out the upmost beauty in a woman, however I have no personal preferences. A lot of men do get aroused by it, that I am sure. The good thing is Raj would definitely not, he's too used to me who he sometimes even has to pull back so to not cause too much trouble. As a matter of fact, most of the time he enjoys to stay back, watch in silence and adulate. Instigating so I dare to be even crazier is something he loves to do as well. I'm certain my wildness turns him on massively. 

C was pouring all that happiness on me, describing everything they did for new year, showing me photos of all the 36 lavish Chinese dishes she and her Taiwanese friends made. She told me all the stories about her funny girlfriends and their husbands from all over the world; the fun games the children and parents did during the whole day's gathering. She talked nonstop for half an hour, so excited. She has been like this from the moment we met, it has nothing to do with me, it's just her. Mind free in terms of information and emotion sharing, excessive level of generosity, yet intelligent, strong and forward thinking. 

I guess I got a peek of it, the different version of me, if I was lucky enough to grow up in a sunshine society. Actually for most of the time, I am exactly like C, hyper and happy, yet tender. Especially before I fully realized I was brainwashed, life was all good under my dad's big umbrella, chirpy all day long. Then the journey to come to the real world was accompanied with some darkness, the existence of my government added some gray in my soul. But look at my mom, she still is exactly like C, hyper and happy, forever kind, excessively generous, because she never wanted to leave that fake world and come to the real one. Well, as long as she gets whatever she needs in there, she doesn't need to live like me.

I think the darkness is derived from the departure, departure from the old mentality, departure from the old friend circles. It has been a lone journey. I was much more surrounded with all kinds of friendships, popping up in different events with different groups. Declaring what I truly think about my government made myself enemy of most of them, at least alienation. Then the incident happened in 2021 new year, a lot of them couldn't wait to get rid of me, no matter how genuine and helpful I was before. Some of them couldn't waste the opportunity to backstab me, tried to denounce and defame. Some of their words got screenshoted by some of my intimate friends and shared to me. I had absolutely zero interest to know, as well as zero interest to cross-path with them ever again in my life. Why? Because they stand on the side of the oppressor and they lack empathy and dignity. These are acquaintances I made from online over the years though, my real friends from colleges have stayed true with me, it's only that this huge firewall my government erected has been separating us into two completely different worlds.

I told C that next new year if my parents are here, we shall definitely join their group of Taiwanese families, play Majiang together and have fun for a whole few days. My mom is going to come up with 36 lavish dishes all by herself, by the way. 

I can't stop laughing about us...

A typical conversation with Leena goes like this:

"This Halloween I want to dress up like a hooker/striper/sex worker/escort. Not when the kids are there, maybe we girls can go out."

"Hmmmm....Why?? You can be many things, why a hooker??"

"Because I am writing about this girl who had no choice in life but being a sex worker, part of one of my sci-fi novels."

"It's generic and kinda sad. It's tragedy for her, so we should not be having fun because of that."

"I read 'La Dame aux Camélias' when I was 12." 

[ I loved it, felt for it. I think that was during the period of time when the sprouting of ideas such as 'who am I', 'what am I living for', 'what is the most valuable in life', 'what to look for in people, in anything' started, through the eyes of a woman, many women actually, with all those classics. Oh heaven... When do I get the leisure in life to do that again...]

"I hate things that glamorize sex workers."

"I'm not having fun with my handmaid's dress neither."

"But we don't go partying in that dress, right? You go to protests, which makes sense. You can dress sexy and party but why be a sex worker, striper whatever. Feminism is more than sexual freedom."

"No, nothing to do with feminism here. Ok, Japanese AV star. Just wanna be slutty."

"You can be sexy... that's fine. But not things that happen to women tragically."

"Right! I think slutty is exactly what I wanna dress up to, but not stopping the cars in the street to get customers, that could be dangerous I guess..."

"If given the right opportunities, those sex workers would be artists, scientists, cooks, journalists, astronauts and what not! Why in the world would we sell bodies to fucking men for money."

"Not really, if her mom is addicted to drugs, her dad abandoned her... "

"That's exactly my point. A person from a healthy family doesn't want to do that. 'If giving the right opportunities'... there."

"Ya, nobody who have a choice want to be raped for money. In China and India, they are raped everyday, beaten and sick because lack of proper protection. In rich countries, especially where the trade is legalized, life is much better, hence poor young girls choose to be stripers because it pays much more and faster. Like a lot of college girls get paid to be mistresses of rich men in China, huge business, very competitive market, however without any legal protection, cash is king. Still, I won't judge those young girls who are physically and mentally protected by the society. And remember that, huge percentage are trafficked, there is no way to escape, they are locked up, chained up, or mentally groomed and intimidated, do not know where to run, do not speak the language, maybe shipped from East Europe, Asia, Africa to rich countries. Usually for always, local police is invovled to turn a blind eye to the pimps."

"I have no idea what are you arguing against. These are my exact points and hence I told you to not have fun by just pretending to be them."

"Grooming works exactly the same as how domestic violence prevails in India. Most abused wives will never report the abusive husbands."

"I KNOW these Momo!"

"Ohhh! Sorry I am outside talking to a friend lol! Didn't see your messages properly. I thought you hate the girls..."

"No, I sympathize with them and hope they have their rights. Doesn't mean I wanna be a sex worker."

"I also don't want to be one. My way of sympathizing with them is not treating them differently."

"Fight for them getting rights and enough opportunities in life to grow and help society. Not dress up a a sex worker and party. That was my point. Now go eat!"

"Lol I was out... You are right. We were saying the exact same thing. But I don't think writing is glamorizing it. Like literature, journalism pieces, articles, protesting manifestos, feminism issues etc. People need to be aware. And I think originally my idea was to dress up as a professional because for a writer, you need to live in it to write it out properly, so I just want the experience, not to have fun. But I guess I completely mixed up the ideas. And for sure, as a personal expression during Halloween time, I love the idea about dressing up like a slut, I don't like high class escort type because I do think they have a choice in life, I like the cheap cheap prosititute type who generally have no choice in life, less educated and cared for etc. Well, again, I mix up the ideas of dressing up as a professional sex worker with being a slut. But guess what, in the eyes of most men, women and the society, it's all the same." 

"Most people/companies glamorize this profession and make money out of it while the ones who actually are in the trade get nothing - no money, no rights, no family support. Bollywood does a lot of this. Frankly, make a bunch of movies with young, pretty actresses and have no strong message means nothing. Most prostitutes aren't young or pretty, they are FORCED into it. But now we have this idea of sexy, feminist prostitutes.... and look who makes money, Alia Bhatt, an actress whose father is a director in Bollywood for decades."

"So sad, you should be more vocal about this. I guess a lot of Indian women just passively accept it, but not knowing that they are being groomed by the images, no need to say going against it. Isn't it how they groomed the society for decades about men and women's places with countless sexist films? Same thing in America, in China, in Japan, in Korea, everywhere. Actually there are a lot of groups online consist of Chinese women, discussing such films and their short-term and long-term effect on women and society. Say if I want to know a little more about such specific Chinese or Japanese film, I can read the reviews from such groups, usually they are professional film critics or who major in social studies. Many Hollywood sexist films are reviewed this way too, Chinese people love Hollywood, but not many Bollywood movies, guess not enough voices out there to put a check on Bollywood film makers."

"I don't think everyone needs to be actively stating their opinion to the world... so I keep quiet. I talk to you and people in person during such discussions. Rest the fact that I studied and am independent is a good enough contribution in itself sometimes. Ok... off to bed soon."

"Right. I respect that! Night night."

This is just so typically us, period.

Stars

Felt a sudden rush of heightened sensations, head span a little, slightly lost control of my mind, a surge of nervousness. It's not panic attack, it's not hot flash, it's non-medical because no expression of physical alteration such as short of breath or heating up. At least not obvious enough. A sudden rise of certain hormone or chemical in the body? That I don't know. I don't think it's self-inflicted, it felt like somehow I'm hit by an invisible and unexplainable wave, one of the waves that exist in the parallel universe we are not aware of but weaved in. I am not unfamiliar with it, it's the consequence of cause, the cause of consequence, or the agony of a lost connection, perhaps.

After the incident, amidst the self-calming and self-soothing, it's fear I experience the first. Who said I have no fear any more, true, I choose not to live with it, but fear is something that follows me around for whatever I do, wherever I go. I'm just very capable of brushing it aside, dodging the bullets and moving on non affected. Fear comes from the potential persecution to my family members because of my actions, and it is unforeseeable and unpredictable, as long as they are in there. I can't call to check right away, neither can I express this in any coherent way. Most the time all I can do is to check if there're missed calls from them, if there're new messages left for me in WeChat, check if they updated their feeds for the past 24 hours. Sometimes the thread that holds people to their life, sanity or loved ones is so thin and fragile, you never know when it'll break. But I can't continue to live in constant fear, I'd been there, had enough of it. I'm out now, it's unbearable sometimes, but I refuse to go back, I have to push through. Those people, they must be feeling infuriated, they punched and strangled me so hard but I survived and escaped, looking them back with my sword and a cold stare. And I am just one of the tens of thousands, one of the millions, more and more are obtaining the ability to stare back.

It could also be that there're connections that are lost and waiting for me to fulfill, connection to something, somewhere or some people. When you close your eyes, life is just a dream, but you don't know what is the dream, the life in front of you or the life you once lived but have no memory of. Now you know why for some people, the line between sanity and insanity is so thin and blurry, because sometimes you really don't know what is real and what is not. Could it be that none of this has never been real? Trust me I know, I know the dangling sense of unfinished stories, the unsolved puzzles of what ifs, and I am constantly feeling sorry and sorrowful. I wish for whatever happens, light will always shine on them and the places, even I am not deemed to be part of it. 

Bravery is not that you don't feel fear, bravery is even when you are scared you still choose to do the right thing. I don't think I care about any of that, definitions, categorizations and such. Fear comes and goes, fear is sometimes up sometimes down, just like all the other emotions. The most essential thing for me is to do the right thing, regardless how I feel deep inside. It's such a dilemma, if one day soon enough CCP is thrown out, who would take care of my family members, since all of them are in the system? But they don't know, it's precisely their system that's robbing away their children's future and sanity, robbing away their dignity and humanity. That's why I can't allow myself get stuck in dilemmas, they are not healthy for my mental soundness. I have to stick to what is right and what is wrong. But the truth is, somethings are obviously light versus dark, while most things are not, most decisions are not, most people are not, and your affections to them are not.   

Raj told his papa, "Thanks to Momo, she never felt any pressure when I'm going through all these uncertainties and feeling stressed. That helps a lot." I do get stressed too, only that it's a completely different story. It's lucky that two adults in the same household don't stress on the same issue, in our case, money. I keep telling Raj, my heart could never be in a place for monetary pursuit, it had never been, and will never be, I don't even know how. And now, when day in and day out, all I see is young promising women in their early to mid 20s, thrown into secret prisons, disappeared silently, because they went to the vigil in the street and held up a white paper, I lost taste for my own life. Someone commented in my yt post, felt quite some resonation: "When I was younger, I wept for love, I didn't foresee this day that I started crying for my country and my people's pursuit of democracy and freedom". I replied to her: "Each tear drop is worth it".

I do still cry for both though, I thought I was done with the former, but then at the weirdest moment, I still find myself in tears. It's the hormones for sure. Good thing is I blur my mind so to get lost on the way and don't go there anymore. Another good thing is that shedding tears for my country's fight for democracy and freedom does occupy a lot of my time and energy.   

At the end of the day, no matter what, I do wish all the people I've seen and thought about, all the people in my world, are well protected and able to find peace in their mind. I guess this is my new year's wish then. If two stars in the sky are truly connected, then when one blinks, the other does it too, no matter how far away they are to each other.

2023-1-12

Tuesday was the first day going back to school, spent 1.5 hours in Aditi's class watching over the kids do water painting, reading and maths centers, then grabbed by the principal on my way back home, hence spent another 1.5 hours assisting 3rd and 1st grade kiddos taking reading tests. Nowadays whenever the office is short of volunteers and staff they directly ask me if I could chip in right at that moment, if they catch me somewhere walking or signing off...

All the musical storytime sections will resume tomorrow, finally get to see my TK and 1st grade kiddos after more than a month. Didn't get a chance to sing Christmas songs and read holiday books to them. These classes are not Shiva and Aditi's classes, I am only volunteering there because of the relationship with the teachers, and because I love the kids and love to provide them high quality musical and story classes. Why the one 1st grade class? Because one assistant teacher from TK asked if I could teach her daughter's class music, their class is lacking fun and creativity when it comes to music. I said yes right away, from the beginning of last semester, I have been teaching that 1st grade class after two continuous sections of TK classes. Usually my head started spinning, my eyes started blacking out and I started feeling disoriented after 3 back-to-back half-an-hour classes, non-stop loud singing and book reading with so much emotions. All the kids loved the music and books though, no matter they were 5-year-old TK kids or 7-year-old 1st graders. Parents too I guess, the 1st graders' put together a 150-dollar worth of Amazon gift card for me, the biggest gift I ever received after so many years of being a volunteering music teacher, lol!

Was thinking about writing as much as possible from the beginning of this week. Just like keeping an actual diary, everyday 15 minutes before sleep, in order to keep up the writing skills. My time for creative writing did really shrink, I have to think about it and find a solution. This week also had a lot of meetings, therefore my diary time also shrank. Saw people still doing the actual diary writing in a notebook, such a great habit, but I prefer keyboard nowadays, as long as I am writing something out. I had written too many thick notebooks of diaries while growing up, carried to California most of them in 2019 December which turned out to be my last time in China for a long while. If I didn't bring them here that time, most probably my parents threw them all out already while moving house. I wouldn't know how to feel about it since I rarely touched any of them at all. But the knowledge that they are here with me, signifies that I get to preserve a tiny bit of my past, not all was lost, even though I feel so unsettled and lost most the time.

Shiva is so advanced at reading nowadays, he has been finishing Harry Potter books one by one. Each book 200 - 500 pages, the illustrated version. It takes him around 1 to 2 weeks' time to finish one book. Earlier this week when I was helping out at the reading test section, the 3rd graders could bring their own books, most of them brought comics such as "Captain Underpants" or "Bad Guy", rarely 1 or 2 Asian kids were holding chapter books. In this way I am truly proud of my kids who are great readers, well, Aditi is till in the making, hopefully there are enough interesting books that attract her attention and build her up the habit. When I was at 3rd grade, I was submerging in the sea of sci-fi novels, short to medium stories since they were from sci-fi magazines for children. I loved loved loved them. Every month I begged my mom to give me a few yuan to buy the new edition. I would pick the most interesting entries to finish in a few nights, then for the rest of the month, I would slowly munch on the ones I didn't like that much. I think my time with the sci-fi magazine was one of the best highlights of my whole childhood. If my dad allowed, I would stick all the posters from the magazine on the wall of my room. But I never got that freedom, the wall of my room was blank, white blank. There was one poster I really loved, so I sticked it on the back side of the my room door, it survived there for a few months. Personality is one thing communism hates and tries to nip it in the bud, because personality leads to individual character and individual character leads to individualism and individualism leads to freedom. 

Last night was in the meeting with I, he sounded much more pessimistic referring to the situation in China. Because what he sees is the HKers who stayed started adjusting and adapting, even though they knew exactly how true freedom and democracy tasted like. Whoever couldn't take it left, whoever couldn't leave lowered their heads and accepted this new life under red horror of autocracy. Whilst my optimism comes from the idea that people in my generation had a taste of good life, hence if the economy keeps going down because of the dictator, people won't easily accept and adapt to it. Who knows. All we know is this immense sense of sadness, loss and sympathy. We are all such victims, whoever has any kind of connection there. Our life left on this Earth is just to carry on with fighting, fighting for our and our family's own safety and fighting for the people who are still suffering. The good thing is, fighting for the others makes us feel less pain and more at peace.

What was this all about? That 40 years of a hopeful China whose door was open, if everything is doomed to fall back into the abyss? What was this all about? The short-lived globalization, the false image of modernization, the temporary rekindling with surrounding cities and countries, the flash flood of outside concepts and way of life, if our world is doomed to fall back into darkness? So that people in my generation got the slim chance to run out and live like a real human being? What about all the people we left behind? 

I guess anyone who has any connection there, is fated to lead a life that never will be complete and never will be full, no matter where you are.

Sometimes I wonder, if I was encouraged to find myself when I was at the age that's supposed to find oneself, if I was free to be who I was and never was poisoned by lays of doctrines, if I was allowed to be strong and tough from the very beginning, what kind of life I would have then? What kind of people I would surround myself with? 

Anyways, I do hope I have more time to write in the future.     

Roots

Told Shiva today we will go to India to live for a year or so, he got angry for 5 minutes. I guess he's at the age to grow roots with the land and people beyond the closest family members, and doesn't feel good to be uprooted. 

"But you know what, you are a minor, so you have to go wherever we go." "I can't decide for myself? Can't papa go by himself and you stay here with me? How unfair!" So he got angry. 

We have a saying among Chinese who live abroad: Wherever accepts me and wherever allows me to find comfort and peace within, it's my homeland. 

We are all rootless drifters, and that "wherever" sometimes is truly wherever. Wherever I can get visa or residence card, wherever I can find the means to survive, wherever doesn't hate me or reject me too much, at least not kicking me out and sending me back. But inside, a lot of us do not actually live in the "wherever", at least not full time. A lot of us still stay in the damp and glum deep swamp, because you can't really get out of swamps, can you? You just slowly sink and suffocate to death.

And even you want to call the new places "homeland", do they treat you as home folks? I don't think I care about that anymore, being alien is my brand. I like being alien, in fact, wherever I could be distinguishingly different from most people, gives me the thrills. 

So the pilot factory will be built in South Korea, Raj is getting visa already. Once the pilot factory rocks on, they will build at least 20 factories across India. I do hope one of the days when Raj has to spend a lot of time in SK, we get to join him for sometime. 

Even though they look like Indians, discriminated by their dark skin among the horrifyingly fair skined, I guess once people get to know they are from America, a lot of attractions will come. Heaven for Raj lol, he will just get high by saying "no" to numerous Asian girls wherever he goes. 

Oh man, Asia is wild. Once Raj was staying in a Marriott in Shanghai and for the whole night the landline didn't stop ringing asking if he "needed service". Hundreds of business cards with nude photos were slided in under the door. And he never even visited any bars or clubs in Shanghai. 

Not sure about SK, could be almost as wild as Shanghai, could be a bit more conservative, like Japan. It will be so fun for me to find out. Thailand and Cambodia were absolutely wild for us, people there were as crazy as Chinese, if you go to the right places. Even wilder I would say, because they speak better English and are used to foreigners, lol. 

India is extremely wild too nowadays, heard a lot about the parties. When Leena was there in Bangalore, all she did was crazy stuff. I love my French days, as much as Leena loves her Bangalore days. I think in the different corners of the planet, we were maybe doing the exact same crazy shits at the same time. Or maybe a few years apart. 

Subconsciously, I started placing the exciting things on top of other issues. Issues like how I am generally cared and helped by normal people here in California in random places. This time when my knee got hurt, I was always helped by passerby, they insisted on me holding onto their arms so I won't slip on the icy stairs, they walked me down the slop covered with water and ice and sent me to my car, they asked me if I was okay, if I got this, they randomly stopped and chatted with me about their injuries on knees or legs, just to make me feel better. 

I guess I will miss this a lot, especially when I will be either treated like a non-consequential and incapable or disregarded like an ownerless or manless, when carrying on my own and my kids' businesses outside. This is deemed to happen, maybe I should record the pattern of my reaction, such as for how long I could tolerate until the next explosion. Fun. Yup, I will never miss my chance to record and review the encounters and make a fuss about it. Fun.  

I guess I am starting to mentally prepare myself already, now it seems like this is going to happen most probably. I am happy for Raj and Panda's success that's on the horizon and I shall be ready for myself, ready for my children to embark a new journey, a new adventure. 

Maybe this is the fate of my life then, keeps changing forms, keeps drifting, never to grow roots, never to stay.  

Bad at long term planning

Can't believe things moving on so fast. They have now almost reached the final 1-2 weeks of first fundraising round. Many interests, many promising news keep coming. Maybe in a few months' time, things will start to be set up in India already. I know they are going to get it.

Briefly discussed with Raj about the timeline this morning, if things go smoothly, from as early as of late 2024, we might be in India already. Now that I got my Indian green card, there's no major obstacles in this aspect. 

Not sure when we'll tell Leena, at least after all the funds are coming in and Raj starts to be in India a lot to oversee the operations. It's not going to be long term anyways, a year, max two years? It will depend a lot on the kids' education actually. At least I will have Yanyi, Raj and Panda promise to rent houses next to each other.   

Leena and Noah have already made up their mind on where they will grow old and how: the cute house they have now. Have I made up my mind? I have been so busy worrying about my parents, even ten years ago I got Raj to promise me he would take care of my parents since I was the single child. Put a lot of thoughts into getting them here for their old age, had lots of plans, but finally realized they didn't want to be here at all. Was heart broken, but also got a little bit freed from it. Already a drifter, no ties to where I came from and wherever I stayed, and if my parents were also so disappointed so not to be with me, who do I even stay for? Raj would say: "You stay for us! We are your family!" Okay, okay, I will take care of my little ones. The value of my existence mostly depends on the need of me from the others, isn't it?

My mind is a mess when it comes to planning, especially for long term planning. I just don't know and never thought about it. Where do I want to be when I'm so old? I could be in anywhere, literally. When I am freed from worrying about my parents, and my kids can have whatever life they want in wherever because I made enough efforts raising them up, why do I even stay in one place? I will be living in the Himalayas for 3 months, then somewhere in South India, then Taiwan, then maybe Xiamen, if China becomes democratic. 

The problem is my kids are raised up in a stable environment, no major fault. Not like us, from as early as I had memory, people around us constantly thinking about leaving for a better life, leaving the town, leaving the country, leaving the people, leaving the culture. As a result, my kids are not gonna be as adaptable, flexible and wild as us. Let's say they would prefer to stay in America eventually, I would still need to be here to help them out when they are building families. Hence staying some years in India is surely good for them. Shake up their mind a little, add some colors and perspectives into their life. 

Anyways, wish Raj successful in chasing his dreams. Life is dynamic and fun, no? It had never failed to bore us. 

Half

Half Shiva Half Parvati 

Half God Half Goddess

Equally Important

Equally Powerful 

🙏

Myself

I have finally figured out, why have I been feeling so down lately? It's nothing to do with anything, except that I didn't get time to spend time with myself!

True, I feel sad that I haven't been reading at all since I started back in xxx. Haven't been reading, haven't gotten time to write out my sci-fi novels. But for the past few weeks, since White Paper Revolution, I even lost time to write my dear diaries!

It has been such a ride though, from November end till now. Everyday every hour I have been intensely working, because something I had never imagined happened. 

Gave myself the name 莫默 (meaning "Don't Be Silent", "Refuse to be Silent", implying "Never Kneel", "Never Yield", "Never Surrender") for 10+ years. I mean I like what my dad gave me 墨沫 ("Ink Bubble"), but I love it that I got to choose my own. 

So you think I would be doing nothing when such a big wave of resistance arrives?   

My social media platforms had instantly turned into a battlefield. Publicly, as this normal ordinary Chinese woman, I stopped hiding my sharp sword and dared to shine it right on the face of the tyranny. That is something. Just like how I was the only person to use my real identity and shared "related to India" content. I am true, authentic and real. I could be wrong, I could be immature, but my intention is good and my heart is pure. My whole life is out there for anyone to inspect.

I also re-collected my love and sympathy to the common Chinese people. Wake up, rise up, fight back, my words to all the people who are suffering, who are desperate and hopeless. You want to change the condition of your life? Only one way out: You Gotta Fight. 

All tyranny is built on the bedrocks of obedience, you want the suppression to stop, stop being obedient, stop being indifferent to others' struggles, and fight along side with all the people who are oppressed.

I am super excited about the new development, even though it consumes me like nothing before. Either it's short term or would be long term, I'm proud that I am part of the freedom fight and I serve some purpose in this struggle. 

I am finally awarded with peace to myself, because I didn't hesitate and jumped into the current and fought. 

But I did get sad, simply because I couldn't spend time with myself. 

Do I long for a "soulmate" who would rumble the sweetest and smartest poetic words in my ears and take my breath away? Who I dance with in the deepest ocean in the darkest night? Who I'm entangled with with each and every cell in my body? 

All love and romance is imaginary and delusion. At the end of the day, I am only looking for myself. 

Maybe a different version of myself.

During a conversion, if a person can make you feel content and delight, it indicates that the person possesses higher intelligence than you. I guess I've lost hope for that kind of satisfaction by now, since I have always been the initiator of the currency of happiness. 

People make you happy in different ways. That kind of connection and thrill for me, maybe only myself can take up the task. 

That's why I have kept my diary? Talking to myself is the ultimate comfort when millions of things happen in a split second and time passes by like lightning and flashes?

Time, who told you time progresses in a linear style? Only those moments, those moments which mean something matter. 

"Find the balance between work and life", I guess for me, the most important is to find the balance between work & life and talking to myself.  

The journey is deemed to be lonely, that's a common fate of most people like me. But at least be real and open to yourself, you will find solace in all that you do. 

Lost

I thought a lot of work would help me a little, I thought keeping myself busy can cover it up. Tried my best to cover myself up and suppress it down. But I am not sure I achieved anything. 

I'm struggling, I'm in pain, I feel sorrow and I do not allow myself to think about it. 

No, I can't. 

Maybe the ultimate truth of this Earthly life is about loss, about being incomplete and about loneliness. Even though you have everything that is to have, a life that most people will never dream to get. 

After all it was a punishment for us to be here, no? What did we do, what did we experience? Was it unendurable like this one? Or was it something different?

I wish I had never seen it, never felt it. I wish I'm not connected. I wish to wipe it out entirely.

Maybe that's what I should do, wipe all that out entirely. 

But ain't it all what I've been doing?

It's raining so hard outside, are you as lost as I am?