Raj told me "I love you" at least 20 times for the past 24 hours. 10 times in front of the kids, 10+ times in my ears. He usually does it a few times a day, but what happened with his sister on Sunday, he has been trying to make it up to me. We didn't even talk about it at all, he just saw the messages and my replies in the group. He knows how difficult it is to deal with his sisters, both of them, I have been through a lot actually.
The incidents that happened with Lipi and her husband, I was really hurt for a good few years. I am completely healed now and I don't go back anymore, now all that I can feel is happiness and love for them. But if I have to sum it up:
1. I have no clue why I was in the center of such family drama since at that time I was pregnant with Aditi and Shiva was just more than 1. The way I raise up my children, the first three to five years I was completely there for them, my mind, my soul and my physical presence, I didn't give a fuck about the world;
2. More that I have no clue with was why I was accused of being manipulative and cunning, calculative with money, since people who truly know me know how I feel about money and how fucked up my mind is when it comes to finance;
3. True, I had a lot more temper when younger, was more reactive to people's reactions, but all of Raj, Leena and Raj's parents stood firmly on my side, they all actively condemned them for treating me unfairly. Actually now I guess the anger and bullets were fired on the whole family, but since I was an angry feminist who couldn't let go of a bad deed to women, with extreme hormonal mood swings (breastfeeding Shiva when Aditi was growing inside), I got picked as an easy target (wow I just figured now! I really need to write things out to sort them out!)
Sigh, Indian family dramas that centered around money. Actually most of family dramas in the world are centered around money. Then there is a mixed up of low self-confidence and inflated ego. The projection of the others in one's mind often times is one's own image that's reflecting one's deepest inner quality. So ya, why being reactive to people's own insecurity and arrogance? I have learned to look pass. At the end of it, the face-to-face meeting of us four to clear things up, basically it was a meeting to demand apologies from us. I would do whatever you want me to do, say whatever you want me to say, if that would make you at peace. But before that, I also have to tell my truth. So I asked, "I really have no idea why you imagined all those things and concluded that I was unhappy about your guys' financial arrangements. First of all, I don't know nothing about your arrangements, I don't know none of the numbers, Raj never told me, I never asked, it's none of my business, and I had no interest and no time to know. But we did spend a lot on your wedding, didn't we? Again, I don't know the numbers, no interest to know and I don't give a damn about it. So ya, for years you had your precondition completely wrong but you refused to accept it; secondly, do you know when I was working for xxx before the babies, I worked so hard so every month we could wire a big sum back to papa, for years, hence he finally got out of his debt. We were poor students, I refused to accept money from my family so I could make my own choice of being with Raj, we didn't even eat too well for years. I don't give a shit of money, ok? Don't be ridiculous and stop imagining and speculating, just talk straight with me if you have a problem with me, like a real man, I appreciate people who do that." Then I apologized and received apologies.
Holy shit, I started remembering what happened, that was... damn! The things he did to me at the beginning of the mess... I was so disturbed while I was pregnant with Aditi, Shiva was 1.5 years old and I vomited like crazy for 4-5 months straight, luckily I didn't go into depression because I had a little Goddess growing inside of me... for a while I was truly worried that because of the disturbance my little Goddess could be affected emotionally... Now I buried all that memories, wiped them out. Why people have to be so heartless and cruel to the people who are close to them? Even if it's based on misunderstanding? I think at one point I wanted to write the story out in my Chinese blog but never did, too busy with kids. I am so glad I am able to heal completely from all that mess! All the things Raj's family made me go through! No wonder his parents love me to the bone. Whatever I do now, they could accept. Raj too. They know. They all know there will be absolutely zero chance to find someone else who could bear through what I went through but still be like who I am today. Zero chance! The whole universe!
Anyways, I enjoy all those "I love you"s.
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