Family

Chatted with my mom today, she was taking my grandma out in a grocery store next to home. She wanted to make sure after my in-laws come for a few months here, they could come in to take care of me when I am having my knee surgery. Then suddenly she walked to a corner and told me, "Your Popo has made it through this time, she is in good health, it's just some dementia and she is strong. Some of my friends' moms didn't make it, like xxx's mom and xxx's mom. In Guangze some elders did pass away."

"I told you so!!!" 

At the beginning when it happened, all I saw was dead body bags and over-crowded morgues and crematoriums. I started worrying for the safety of my family in China, one night at 4am I found myself sleepless and trying to warn them about it. I told them "such information you won't see anywhere in Chinese internet but it's happening in major cities especially in the north, elders are dying, people can't find fever and cold medicines, medical system is on the brink of crash." Then they told me, "It's all rumors, nothing is happening in Fujian". I said, "Nothing yet, but it's coming, just get prepared please, situation I am seeing is dire". "Don't believe in all the American propagandas, it's made-up, fake or highly exaggerated", they replied, even the younger ones. 

I still am trembling for talking in my family group there, because of what happened in 2021. During that time, I literally kneeled in front of them, slapped myself and said millions of sorry. One time during a family video section when they all were in my house for lunch. Everyone looked at me with an angry face. Such a horrifying and ugly scene, I can still remember. "Just focus on raising up your kids please, focus on being a good housewife! Politics is none of your business, none of my business, we are just ordinary people, stop bringing so much trouble on us. I am so ashamed of you now. Even Yi (my little cousin brother) told me that how he looked up to you when he was young but you turned out to be such a disappointment!" "We feel good about our life here, we support our government. I have always hated the things you shared in (Wechat) feed. Your commentary on issues were all biased and extreme. Just stop it now, we still want to live a life here. Our government is good, our life is good, don't drag us down." 

Ya, I somehow got passed all of this, I trained my brain to not hate but love, to forgive and forget for all that hurt. I never dwelled on any sour feelings. So this time when they told me, "Nothing is happening, what you are seeing is biased." I told them, "I am just trying to do the right thing, what I say is for your health and safety. You have the right to believe or not believe, I am only begging you for precaution. Once I'm done warning you, I will stop feeling guilty, guilt that comes from knowing but not helping. Let me know if you lack any medicine, I will try to ship them from here. I just want to fulfill my duty and responsibility, whatever you do is your action. Whatever I choose to say to you, I answer to my own consciousness."

Then I haven't said a thing in the family group since, only once a while a video chat with my parents. I hope Fujian stays intact and free from virus, I hope people who are not supposed to die can live on, free from suffering. But as I expected, a kinda significant percentage of elders in my little town had passed away due to this round of infection. Nobody knows the number since the government is trying hard to cover up, obviously. My mother's sample is obviously biased because they live on the narrow top of the social structure which is pyramid shaped. If my mom admits "some of my friends' parents did die", I understand how dire must the situation be for ordinary people who live in the bottom or even the middle of the pyramid. 

Every time I video chat with my mom she would ask, "When are you coming back here to meet us? When Shiva and Aditi can come back to meet great grandma and their friends here? They all are asking about them." I replied and asked my kids to reply, "One day, soon." But I know, deep down, I might never be able to have any trust on the party, I might never be willing to risk everything I have here, so I might never go back, as long as the same government is in power. If my parents can come out with no issue, that would be enough for me. At this point I am so grateful that I don't have siblings, nieces and nephews to be stuck inside. I tried my best to convince the younger cousins to come out, tried for 10+ years, but none of them truly believed there was much wrong being inside. I do sincerely hope things won't be bad for them ever, no matter how scary we all can foresee.

On another thought, I am actually very excited about living in India for the 2-3 years. If Raj truly makes himself into a big shot, it would be very convenient for me to invite my family for a week's fun in some resorts in the pacific. That could be the time I finally get to meet them after some long years.