Ugly

During breakfast, out of nowhere, my mom said: "Mo, your dad said Y's daughter is ugly." My friends came for a visit from NY last night. "Excuse me?! No, I think that baby is absolutely gorgeous, one heck of a beautiful and healthy baby girl!" My mom continued: "Your dad said Y also became much more ugly." "Excuse me?! What the Actual Fuck?" Despite the fact that I just woke up, my mind exploded on the dining table. If you want to find mothers who have an 18-month-old in shape and in style, that could only be Y. Not me, not most of the people I know.

"So you want women to look exactly like the women-demeaning content you see every day in WeChat, as if 'the standard of worthy women', no matter what the fuck her age is, should be as pale as a ghost, as skinny as a skeleton, skin as smooth, shiny and wrinkleless as a 12-year-old? She should starve herself to be in good bony shape, but not so much so as to contain a bit of flush on her cheeks to indicate she is vigorous?"

"So you think women's place should precisely be a birthing womb and a sexual tool? A woman's worth depends on her ability to give birth to babies, but no, not random 'ugly' babies, only fair-skinned, chubby and active babies who have 'standard handsome' caucasian-style eyes, noses and lips, and those should be in 'standard handsome' proportions? However, during the process of making and raising the beauty-queen/king babies, plus trying to build a career that has roadblocks every 2 feet, a woman should right away find her place as an attractive sexual deva, she should right away find her way back to pleasing and seductive looks so as to arouse her spouse and fulfill her wifely duties?" 

"Yup, that's exactly why women and sane husbands who actually know how to respect and love their wives, do not wish to have more than one baby, like Y and her husband. And that's exactly why strong women like my sister-in-law and her loving and open-minded husband do not wish to have even one child. Because the world is filled with twisted and filthy minds some of which are products of state-wide efforts on putting women down so to use them as a tool to maintain a sizable population that is profitable for the state."

Well, I didn't say the last sentence but ya, all the others, right on their faces. 

Growing up hearing all that demeaning comments about women and girls, deep down we all felt how stupid and unworthy we were for a long time. 

A lot had fed into me through daily belittling and ridiculing, but there was one insignificant incident that could have been so significant as to change my life course. It was a hot summer day, I was wearing a pajama short, standing in the kitchen, most probably helping my mom wash dishes. I always knew my legs were "too thick" so I rarely wore shorts outside. How did I know my legs were "too thick"? Everybody in the family told me so. Then my dad came from behind, he lifted his foot and had a firm kick on my calf: "Such a thick leg, as ugly as a frog." 

Was my life course changed by this? Maybe, maybe not. I simply don't know. What I see is at least I had never felt too low on myself and made horrible mistakes in my youth due to a lack of self-respect. I guess I should be thankful to all the boys who madly fell in love with me and let me know.