My dear daughter,
Mama has been quite down lately. Couldn't sleep tonight.
You woke up in the middle of the night calling for me, so I just came to sit in your blanket, listen to you and your brother's deep breaths, and try to write.
I haven't planned to write you anything about women or feminism this early. Maybe for formal introductions, we should still set it up when you are a bit older.
Tonight just let me share a moment with you.
What's going on in the world has never once passed without leaving a mark on my internalization. I guess this is a very common human trait since humans are social animals.
But maybe mama belongs to the kind of people who feel much more deeply and intensely, compare to most of the human population. And I have always been open.
Don't get me wrong, I take no shame in being so.
Shame is a custom-made tool for the "stronger" half to harness the "weaker" half. [The half-half split is defined by gender here. There are uncountable categorizations done among humans, we can get into them one by one in the future.]
No human being is born with the concept of shame, it was seared in with years of grooming and molding. From the power upper hand to the designated "inferior".
Therefore at this moment in mama's life, I am pretty proud of myself that I have scraped off the old scar marks and overwritten on top.
Or have I?
Spiraled from a split second of hesitation to a rattling sensation from somewhere deep inside, I didn't think this could be one of the scenarios.
I guess the iron chains once were on our and our ancestors' necks haven't been moved too far away from the chests.
Amidst the agonizing disappointment, out of nowhere, I found myself self-blaming for having not as strong a voice in this fight, because of the specific social position I chose 8 years ago - a stay-home mom who is conventionally reviewed as without any "admirable" career.
I have always regarded this move as a resolution. I have never before felt an inch shorter for my sound choice.
But tonight, I have been consciously juggling the "what-ifs", with a tingling sense of regret.
My professor was ready to hand me down the organization, he really did try everything to change my mind. The fascinating places I could have traveled to, the powerful people I could have conversed with, the talks and speeches I could have shared, the say and hand to play I could have had in that field today, wouldn't those make me 100 times heavier and louder in this fight?
What so stubbornly got into my mind that I could leave all that behind without a blink of an eye? Why wasn't I lured by the promised achievements that most people can't even reach a portion of?
I guess you already know the answer.
It's you. I chose you.
Don't worry, after finishing writing this letter, that tiny bit of "tingling sense of regret" will surely pass. It was merely a byproduct of misery at this specific period of time.
And what has been roaring so loudly from my heart, has never and could never change - a mother's full dedication to raising up her children and the utter satisfaction that comes with it.
Then what am I so inconsolable for?
Maybe mama just needs a moment, a moment to reset.
My sweetest baby girl, mama can't apologize enough for not giving you life in the form that comes with natural and manmade upper power; mama can't agonize enough for the foreseeable moments you're gonna need so to continue walking, simply because of something that was not up for you to choose.
But I do wish you resilience, I do wish you persistence. For these two qualities, not only you are unbelievably fortunate to be blessed with from the day of your birth, they are also the most important key ingredients to turn the tide and change course.
My sweet baby girl, when you are ready, just go out there and make the world see and listen. Mama wishes you unapologetically successful.
And mama wants you to remember that I will forever be the shoulder for you to cry on, lean on, and stand on.
Written on the 3rd day of US Supreme Court abortion draft leak that indicated future overturn of Roe V. Wade.
Love forever
May 6th 2022
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