2022-5-26

First time dyeing my hair. A time mark I guess. 

Was kind of a weird experience, messed up here and there, left black marks all over my face, arms and clothes... My mom came to help me comb through, what a warm feeling... They being stuck here all these months started to have some promising effect on them. I guess they are much calmer now, as well as started to appreciate more and understand more about freedom, especially compared to what's happening in Shanghai. That day I had a pretty sweet little shopping time with my mom, felt the mother-daughter love that went on and off for a long while. Quite magical actually... 

I was not sure if I applied the gel to all areas, maybe would turn out to be uneven colored... After washing, my hair looked exactly the same, did I fail to apply any color or did I pick the exact same color as my original? Looks like gray and white hairs are indeed covered, but really, didn't feel like I had ever dyed them...

Husband been nagging me about dyeing my hair for months. Somehow this Indian man really loves long black hair. If it's not too much or an out-of-line effort to comply, you rather want a husband who is obsessed obsessed obsessed with your body. If he wants long pretty hair, then let's have long pretty hair. At least for all of the other parts, whatever I have is killing him 24/7. Men, such innocent primal animals. 

But it also bothers me a lot! There is definitely some kind of male-magnetic installed in me when I was born. I really couldn't understand why it always always always goes in that direction! I was always the main topic of chitchats, the center of all kinds of rumors. When we were kids then you can say it's just a kid thing, "because some of the real popular boys 'love' her, so all of them fancy her". The "NOs" and "SORRYs" I had to give on daily basis...

Because of all that nonstop dramas not made by me but triggered by me, I learned to lower my head and avoid all unnecessary contact. Now, before anyone gets closer than 5 steps, I would squint my eyes and shake my head as a warning. Most of the time, I pretend I can't sense anything, turn my head and push them away. But alas, how obvious they all are, how obvious... If you can't have me, you will get hurt eventually. And I really really hate to hurt anyone. I have never ever taken advantage of this, never played anyone, always honest and kind, how decent that is right?...

In China, at least there is a stigma against married women. They are viewed as "taken", "used", "not pure", and "too much trouble". But in a lot of societies, men don't give a shit! They don't give a shit about if they are married or if you are married, if they have kids or if you have kids, if you are 20 years older or they are 20 years older. They think they are charming, smart and deserving, if they just let out their charm, they will get it. 

Can you imagine if I was a dude, I would have all these pretty chicks crying their lungs out to have one night with me, and as a single man, I happily comply, just to make them all happy. 

Humans so weird!

How I wish a stay-home mom's life could be confined inside her home! But I have to go out there and meet all these beautiful people. They see me and... Hey, maybe I am just a genuine and kind person who is happy with what she has, ok? Why men always so confident that they might be better than my husband? What? Indian guys can't be cool and sexy? Why young lads would assume if women my age dress up in cute dresses then it's for attracting them, who are 10+ younger?! It's my last day in school, I dressed up so cute, for my 25 children in the class, didn't think that much, and didn't have time to change, ok? 

Men so weird! It bothers me! Europeans are crazy, always have been like this, even the Germans... 

Anyways... Super excited to go back to Europe after 13 freaking years!!! Gonna have so much fun with Chinu, she would need this particularly wild sister-in-law to unleash her inner demon and achieve the next level of self-respect and confidence! ha!