Jan 2nd through 7th, no meat intake at all. Jan 8th dinner, no other food other than my mom's homemade pork dumplings, ate 4 or 5. Basically the same pattern throughout this month, my first month of becoming a vegetarian, or you can call it, a semi-vegetarian.
I didn't tell my parents. It will break their hearts, so I'm not ready, and never will be ready to come out of the closet. Well, if I love women or I believe I'm a boy stuck in a girl's body, I would collect the courage to break out to them though, because that's my whole life.
Food? We just get by each day somehow.
For most of the days, I was able to sneak around, sitting in front of a whole table of food, nobody realized I was not taking any meat.
A very easy eater I am, I like everything and I eat anything. Although I like meat, never had any special attachment to it. Was all just a habit, the way I grew up and whatever was easier to get protein.
So when I have a whole table of meat, all kinds of them, it's not too difficult to train my brain to only go for the vegetables.
Raj was advising me to reduce the meat consumption first, maybe only seafood, no pork or chicken. Then gradually reduce to zero.
Naa, I do not need that process. From day one, I can cut it to zero.
Therefore for most of January, when no one is watching, I haven't touched any meat.
The only difficult thing right now is that I'm not in control of the kitchen. My mom would prepare special food for Raj, vegetarian meals. But since my parents don't know, I still eat with them and the kids.
The good thing is in the Chinese diet, there are a lot of vegetables. Especially when my mom cooks, she cooks 5 types of vegetables and 3 types of meat in each and every meal!
Somedays I just picked out the vegetables that were cooked together with the pork or chicken. For example, the radish pieces in pork bone soup.
For me, it's really only about what I believe and what I want. I don't feel disgusted by the scene, the smell or the taste of meat. I don't mind my vegetables are "contagious" because they are touched by the meat and the "dirty oil".
For whatever I do, it's solely the result of my own choice and willpower. And I am extremely proud of that.
I guess when I regain control of my kitchen, I will prepare Raj and my meals together, vegetarian. And bake some chicken or fish for the kids on the side. Easy protein when they are growing immensely.
Simple food, happy life.
The crazy thing is, now a month has passed since I have made up my mind, I found myself starting to encounter mystical moments of living through the pain of animals. Each time a brief seconds, randomly during the day or night. No triggering events, no special sceneries.
Out of nowhere, I suddenly feel this intense sadness for the piggies that were killed. Questions gushing out of my mind: was she someone's baby or mommy? Did she cry when she was butchered? Was he in despair and hatred right before his death? What kind of emotions she had when she was alive? Was he smart like a 2-year-old human baby?
It's almost making me cry. And taking me back into the horrifying memories when neighbors of my grandparents butchering their pigs for the festival feasts and special occasions like weddings, funerals, moving houses or birthdays. Or just every other weekend, some to sell some to eat, when people got a little more money in hand.
My grandparents used to have a house in the suburban area, a lot of neighbors have their own pigpen in the backyard. [Later that whole neighborhood was taken back by the city to make malls and highways, residents kicked out, houses demolished. Individual households don't have the ownership of land, the CCP has. ]
The screams of them. The screams of them. The screams of them.
It was a very common noise, we grew up hearing that on a daily basis.
I do think there's no fixed pattern of events to psychological effects on children. An abandoned child could turn out to be so strong and sorted out. It's either make or break. Or maybe general speaking, it should be a break, but for the stubborn some, it won't break but make, no matter how much you try.
I hope I got that resilience. And I pray to the million goddesses and gods that my children also got that resilience in their blood.
Anyways, maybe after two more months, I will have to go through therapies to control my emotions....
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