I am definitely overwhelmed currently. Raj has been at it full on. Somehow, he found many couples to play with on Thursday and Friday! They are all quite nice people, highly educated, and intellectual. I had so much to talk with one of the women who has a graduate degree in Art History from Columbia. Her husband used to be an aerospace engineer. Both are in their early 40s, live in the same city as us, 10 minutes away. A little beautiful garden with many flowers and weeds that we can pluck and smoke lol. This will be Friday, and we will go to their house since they have no children.
Raj also went ahead and planned with my guy! He asked me many, many times before. Each time, I hesitated like a chicken; I was like, "No, no, no, I can't." But over the past two weeks, I have asked him two times for the same night in an emergency. Guess who urged me to ask? Ya, Raj. Luckily, with my guy, planning needs to be done a few weeks, at least ten days before. Think I don't know about that? That's why I asked! Knowing it won't be him. And I sent messages in our group chat so Raj could see them. But Raj eventually planned with him and told me, "You are welcome."😭
I was like, "Did you guys have my consent planning it?" 😭
Of course, I want to see my guy. Nobody knows how much I have been wanting it. But I don't know how to react when I see him. Raj was like, "Should I cancel then?" I was like, "Oh no no, don't...." 😭
From now till then, I will have to practice... I got almost two weeks...
I will have to train or trick my mind into a state of absolute calm and nonchalance in the sight of him. I will have to come up with a list of things about him so I can go over it from time to time to remind myself that no matter how much I feel about him, he stays cool about me, so you also be cool about him, girl!! I will have to look into myself, see how gorgeous and arousing my body is, like a sex goddess, and keep reminding myself that's why all guys want to have their hands on you!! I am an experience, I am the ultimate definition of "fuckable". And they are an experience for me too, being in their strong arms, soaking in their sweat, cum, and satisfaction, the cosmic connection between us at that moment. Then we can go back to our separate lives and continue whatever we were doing. Everything should be confined to that specific time and space.
If I can get through this, I shall officially graduate. I will graduate into a man who is privileged in our society, a society that has put these principles into practice since the birth of men: separating bodily experience from emotions.
Hope I graduate! 😭
They can easily do it - A is A, B is B, everything is factual. It could be the society, maybe it's just the way their brains are wired. But for us, we often take A and B with us, and after we leave the room, they start fermenting in our imagination, sprout, and flourish into entirely different shapes, maybe Z and Y. It's a powerful ability, don't get me wrong. However, our society is not made to foster and encourage such an ability; it deems it inferior. The infrastructures of our culture make preying and feasting on people who naturally possess such an ability legitimate and a piece of cake. Hence, what, say it out loud with me, we should suppress it, if you want to be a good player in this world, their world.
Therefore, the first and most important tactic in dealing with this issue is refraining from conversing, online and offline. Conversations are the soil for fermentation. Talk your heart out with people who are safe, safe like a stone wall of a fortress on high hills where nothing could penetrate. Fine, there surely will be conversations filling up the breaks. Play brain dead then, act dumb, act insensitive, act obnoxious. They can conveniently curl the iron curtains up to feast on you, and they will, for sure, uncurl them once they are done, leaving you in the cold and dark. Build your own iron wall, build a switch too, and learn to control it. Imagine it as a performance. Ya, exactly, trick your brain to think it's all just a performance, then you will put yourself through it, no matter what.
I think I'm getting there slowly, a little more practice, and I'm good to go.
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