Not me to blame

I am immensely boring when it comes to sex: I don't have any kinks, I don't like violence, I don't like to continuously choke and gag on cocks, I can't take too heavy of neck or chest choke, I don't want to eat or swallow it, not on my face neither. I also don't enjoy much dirty talk, either in person or online. 

I think my value in this business is that I do have a very fuckable body, nothing perfect because I'm getting old and I have no breasts, no long legs, no good proportion, or anything presentable like the girls on tv, movies or porns. Still, I am really tight, wet, and warm down there, like all Asian women. And I do enjoy sex, I can't help but respond to men's movements. 

Raj was telling me how he and this other Chinese woman (33 y/o young wife of a lawyer, 2 kids) were sending dirty messages to each other. I like her too, she is wild, fascinatingly wild. I also enjoyed chatting with her, sharing stories via text after we played. She loves violent sex, almost equivalent to rape. She loves being choked and pressed really hard. She can keep choking and gagging on cocks for hours nonstop and she loves men to cum on her face, in her mouth and she would love to swallow it. 

I am genuinely happy that Raj and she have a connection. I asked Raj, "Do you think you could fall in love with her? At least some feelings, so you want to go out on dates with her?" "No." "I'm really hoping you do, so I can finally go on too? Please keep an eye out for that?"

I am patiently waiting for that day to come, maybe years later, perhaps a whole decade, after my kids have gone to college. Hopefully, by then, there'll still be some guy out there whom I'm naturally attracted to, and he is attracted to me too, so I could go on regular dates with him to see if we could explore love together. Different kinds of love. I'd love to go watch movies with him, eat ice cream somewhere, go on hikes, even try a little camping or traveling together. He could be young, could be old, could be rich, could be poor. I have never measured men using societal measuring sticks, and I will stay the same. 

But Raj insists that he absolutely can't love anybody else, so ya, I'm not allowed to be open, for now. 

In this game we play, I have never looked for sex itself, unlike most people. That instantly put me at a disadvantage, I think. After the novelty wears off, there won't be connections left to find, because who wants complications and the burden of emotions? 

However, I am an extremely valuable asset in conventional settings: a fabulous wife to keep and the best mother anyone could imagine. I work hard for others. I take over the housework and labor on it for hours and hours. Every day, I spend 8 to 10 hours (when no grandparents are here to help) cooking three meals for everyone, cleaning dishes, wiping down all surfaces, washing and folding everybody's clothes, arranging the house, buying groceries, and driving the kids to various activities. I sacrifice my years, my youth, and my career so that others can have comfortable lives and healthy development. 

Meanwhile, I am exceptionally low-maintenance; I don't wear expensive makeup or clothes, and I don't really care about any of that, actually. Also, I am so confident and self-assured that I am drama-free. People like to take me traveling because I am surprisingly easygoing, and I am super fun. I always work for them: I clean and cook for people, I pack their luggage, and wash their dirty clothes. 

For Raj, he thinks I am super smart too, and he wants my opinions on various matters, especially when he needs to make crucial career decisions. 

Raj told me, "I am feeling so lucky to have you. You are so so so smart, usually women that smart and capable, they feel different. Especially as they grow older, they become stiff, uneasy, and unpleasant. But you never change, you stay soft and easygoing, you stay tolerant and helpful. Everything eventually comes down to how kind you are. You are so enormously warm and kindhearted, you never make anybody feel even a little bit unpleasant when you're around; on the contrary, everyone is so happy with you because you always make so much effort for all of them." 

See, what a fabulous asset to have. 

But the thing with assets is, under the framework of this world, the patriarchal world, assets are personal belongings; usually, men don't share them. They are considered property, should be owned privately, and owning private property is protected by law in a republic.

I didn't set up the world. I lack any sort of power to change how this world functions. So, I remain a valuable asset to my owner, for as long as my owner wishes to dispose, exchange, or trade me. Only he has the power; I don't.

Women do break out of this setup, such as single moms. I have so much respect for them. But in my circumstances, there's no reason for me to break out -- I have a loving husband who respects, values, and loves me tremendously. It's the best setup for my kids to grow up into healthy human beings. Our world is built around the family model of one father and one mother as the primary caregivers, and all social setups are derived from this concept. 

Monogamy (or polygyny) -- men, and their ownership of everything, right? Remember my writing in the artists' gathering at Noah-Leena's house? 

I didn't know anything else existed when I was young, and my parents really needed me to give them grandchildren, so I walked into this model, which was the only option for my entire life, and it remains so to this day. Men I know also respect this model, whether they agree or not. They would first respect other men's properties, set up boundaries, and then act within those limits. This world that's built by men sustains because the men in it generally are happy about the rules and setups and have no intention of change. 

So what is there for me to say? I get by day by day, in the meantime, for years, I have been ready to go. Yes, I do enjoy my life; everything couldn't be more perfect for me. But other than my children, this world doesn't give me much at all. Or, I don't have expectations from this world at all. I am simply surviving here so that I can raise my children and help them as much as possible. I am still here because I can't leave my kids behind. I also can't go before my parents. Then that's that, simple as it is. 

So funny, today I wrote a brief note before the full-length version of whatever I've written on my sci-fi novel, "The War", and set up the entry to automatically post on August 30th, in case I don't return after my summer trip to China and India. This should be something I do each time before taking a flight or traveling somewhere, especially for international trips. Not for anybody else, but for me -- I spent so much time writing my novel; I have to post it somehow, even if I'm gone. 

The funny part is, I felt absolutely nothing writing that post down. How psychopathic I am. Everything feels like a dream to me, and I can't wait to wake up from it. My parents are so scared of dying, and that always amuses, as well as puzzles me. If I know I am not leaving my kids behind, so they are not going to suffer from the loss of me, I would have zero hesitation to go. Happy as I always am. 

That's why it will eventually fall on my shoulders, the fight for justice and freedom. It's written in my fate. If it's not me, then who? Who is this hard-boned, psychopathic, and fearless like me? Personally, I don't know any! Most people are not ready to go. Too many attachments. But I have been walking a fine line of an ultimate loner for decades: left everything and eloped with an Indian to an entirely new country, was ostracized and punished by the entire Chinternet, stayed connected but highly solitary all these years. 

I let everyone in, but no one was truly let in.  

For that, I blame this world.