Making a decision

"I'm still in love with him. But right now, I'm not sure I would ever want to get back into that feeling anymore. He got super busy, or, most likely, he lost interest in playing with me, so we naturally exited the convo. I'm genuinely glad that it happened, because I'm still madly in love with him, even right at this moment, but finally, I get to cool off because we fell out of touch. This whole thing of being in love, is hard. I don't think it happens to people often; at least, it didn't happen to him in the same way it did to me. Well, it occurred to me a few times, each time in a very different way, I cherish them all with all my heart."

Clearing my mind while chatting with a girlfriend. 

I'm not sure if I've made a decision yet, or if I'm still undecided. Thinking about it makes me helpless. But precisely because of this, I sincerely do not wish to continue anymore. I no longer want to be in love. Just want some fun friends to hang out with casually, once in a while, or regularly. 

Being in love, I felt hopeless, especially when it was an unmatched feeling of intensity or sense of devotion; being in love, I felt restricted, I was not able to be truly furious or strong enough to protest, giving the current time, my heart turned into a marshmallow; being in love, I felt distracted, I need laser-sharp focus to advance in multiple fronts -- writing, work, health, exploration in life etc; being in love, I felt helpless, because I couldn't choose not to, I couldn't escape, and I couldn't stop. 

Women, right? 

I am glad that I'm actually shielded by the stiff social structure that was designed to prevent women's "infidelity" by punishment and abandonment, because I live under the wings of an open-minded and kind husband. 

Or, what if the societal structure was not designed by men with their uncontrollable tendency to possess and control, but by women with their innate nature to love? And under that framework, women are free to love whoever they want because there would be no fear of punishment or abandonment. Men would be 1000 times happier, too, I believe. 

I need a cool, calm mind to focus on my writing. I've been feeling good about myself lately because of the progress on weaving my novel, hence I should decide -- no more.