Rekindle

Raj and Leena both commanded me to wait for her to approach, but not to take the first moves. Yes, obviously, I was the one who got bullied. If Raj and Leena don't protect me, I will surely forgive and forget in no time, letting everything go and getting back to normal. And "normal" is not good for me. The kids are always there, and I always take care of them by preparing food for them and talking to them. What adults go through has nothing to do with kids. I still love them, just as I do my own kids. 

It's good that Raj and Leena helped me set boundaries, because they don't want me to get hurt again. Raj had never planned any trips together with them since. Usually, during those trips when we live together, whether camping or in an Airbnb, I do most of the chores, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of all four children. 

She never really approached me as such, but she had been pretty happy for the past year, had lost weight, dressed well, quit her old job, and found a much more flexible research position. She was extremely friendly to my mom and stayed home when I was not there, appreciating my mom's food several times. That was important to me. They also bought food and came for dinner with us sometimes. Meanwhile, I had never stepped into their house, mainly because it was filled with dogs' and cats' hair. Raj once got a severe allergic reaction. 

There is our old group WhatsApp chat, sometimes she writes updates there. I rarely respond with many words, often just using emoji reactions. This time, she replied to Raj's update on my hospital visit and sweetly wished me a solid and speedy recovery. I replied with things I learned about the gallbladder from my life experience. When they came to our house to see me, she brought a novel for me to read, which was "her favorite". All that could count as her direct approach to me, no? Ya, finally I can forgive and forget, lol. I gladly accepted the novel, and all of us, including Noah and Leena, chatted together for a while, gleefully. 

I actually took the time to read the novel. For sure, I am thrilled to have an old friend back. My heart softened right away. The book is a rom-com, with details about kinky sex. Sure, why not? It's not my type of book, but it was a good gesture, so I'd take it. It turned out that she has been immersed in this type of novel for the past year or so, having finished around 50, and she is now on her way to write her own. I'm truly happy for her!

Even when I was a teenager, I didn't gravitate towards this type of book. They are written by women and consumed by women, from teenagers to nursing home residents. But I understand how it works and can imagine what all it entails. 

After the first chapter of this novel, I'd guessed the detailed traits of the characters and what the ending might be. I asked her, "You guys into kinky sex now?" "Yes." No wonder they are much happier in their relationship, and that changed everything for her. Hence, I welcomed her with the world I am experiencing right now and offered to guide them if they ever want to take the fantasy from books into reality. It would be beneficial to have real-life experience if she wants to write about it, wouldn't it? 

Yes, I do trust her. We go a long way back, one of the longest. She is not a threat, no. I had been defending her for years, explaining to the others that she possesses decency and kindness, and that you can actually trust her, just as I had, for years. That trust has never been broken. Those who had broken the trust would never be allowed to come near my perimeter, no fucking absolute way. 

What went wrong? After I had read halfway through the novel, I regained some memories and was able to piece things together. This novel, her favorite, reveals exactly what she is made of, and that is what didn't resonate well with me, and with all of us, actually, over the years. Oh man, there were so many ups and downs, her against all of us. 

A rom-com, in the mainstream social construct, which has prevailed for the last few thousand years, even today, always involves one man and one woman. The man is dominant, the woman submissive, not necessarily in all aspects, but emotionally, for sure. The man also has to hold a higher social status, either born with a silver spoon or born a genius; hence, comfortable living is just a piece of cake, because in a typical patriarchal setting, a man without wealth and power is a man with absolutely no self-worth. Well, the man has to be tall and muscular too, typically above 6 feet, usually 6'3" to 6'5", with extremely handsome facial features that attract millions of females' attention, because male-centrism is the dominant feature of such a world. The woman also has to be extremely sexy, but her peculiar sexiness should only be regarded and cherished by the only one man instead of the entire world, because she at the end of the day, is the possession of the man, things shouldn't be too complicated for the man's convenience. White, white men only, the other colors are struggling to make ends meet, and only deserve to have some supporting roles thanks to thousands of years of European colonialism and its never-ending effect on the world. White or fairness is forever associated with prosperity, power and admirability, and vice versa, the cruel truth about the colonialism-ravaged world. The end game, ahh, the end game is always them falling in love, getting married, and having kids, exclusive monogamy style, the man for the woman and the woman for the man, nobody else matches these two individuals, and the man the master of the house, the women happily ever after, falling right under the patriarchal framework. 

The juicy stuff varies, but mostly also falls within the framework: the man being obsessive and possessive, and the woman enjoying such 24/7 surveillance-style care to the core, viewing it as a symbol of love, like the famous "Fifty Shades of Grey" series. 

I respect this genre; it exists for a reason, and it's beneficial for those who consume it. There's nothing to demean. I'm just saying that I know this stuff, but I'm not particularly attracted to it. I intend to at least finish this, her favorite, while shooting some discussions here and there; it's my return of a good gesture. Maybe will take a look at other "darker stuff" she wishes me to dive into too. Overall, it's fun. I don't really have time for porns, but porn in printed words, sure, why not! It's a pleasure indeed. 

Fundamentally, what doesn't vibe with me is the tendency towards self-absorption among those who are overly invested in such setups. Do I daydream of guys' obsession with me, to the degree that I would enjoy and appreciate them surveilling each of my moves and emotions by hacking? To hell, no! It happened to me when I was young; he mimicked the behavior from Japanese comics. But that was not the reason for me to fall in love; it was the courage of him standing up for me and the care he'd shown. Plus, we were teens. 

Someone might hack into someone's electronic devices and monitor their movements; it's absolutely possible. Does this turn me on? To hell, no! It's not that I feel violated or have lost my privacy. I don't even give a damn about that. You want to see my emails? My messages? My calendar? My medical records? Lol, be my guest! Just scroll through my social media, and you'll find a wealth of information about me. Or my online diary, lol! But, don't you have something better to do? Can't you reach out to me directly and have an open line of communication? My door is always open. 

I am not so self-absorbed that I take such high regard for myself: each of my movements, my emotions, my ups and downs are as ordinary as anybody's, just some daily junk that people have to go through. Nothing is so special about me that it deserves to take up someone's entire world. I also don't do idol worship. I have never found any celebrity, online or offline, worthy of my attention; a story to learn, sure, but not much beyond that. Essentially, we are all equal individuals embarking on a journey on this planet. But I keep an eye on men's ego and their potential to destroy our world and turn our life into shit. 

All of this is too childish for my taste. But again, nothing to demean, only a personal preference. 

The ups and downs she has put us all through over the years have something to do with this personal trait of hers: a slight, well, maybe not slight, Leena won't agree, tendency towards self-obsession. It is very well illustrated through her favorite novel. 

After all these years, I have built a robust network of people, friends and family who are capable of not giving too much shit about themselves, we are for each other and we are safe together. It's not easy to make it into my list. Also, I have walked past the trap of the current social construct of patriarchy bullshit, I have a long way ahead of me, reimagining a new world with safer and fairer rules, a world for my children and generations to come. 

And, I. don't. look. back.