Version 10.0?

Work makes me feel so happy. I think two things pulled me out of the dark cloud of China falling into the abyss: 1. Hindu festivals and friends' gatherings; 2. Work. Actually my family too, Leena is with me being part of the resistance and we are partners for wild dancing and other wild things. Oh, that too, the dashing of unrealized daydream for a red wave, because of women's rights. Red wave against women's rights, how sarcastic. I think the result put me into a few days' ecstasy. Felt relieved, felt blissful, regained some hope, restored some confidence.

Showed my team how Leena and I look when we go silent protest in the Free Speech Square in UC Berkeley; told them never to come close and talk to us if they bump into us. Received heartfelt appreciations to Leena from them, who are all freedom fighters for China, for democracy and for free speech for years and for decades. 

Now you think, most of us young ones have been in this for more than a decade now. That's why once I decided to come back this summer, same pure-hearted people, same smiles, we right away picked up the jokes we left almost a decade ago. They are the people I could trust my live with, literally. They know they could trust their lives with me too. So different from some of Raj's business partners, lol. What can I say, when you are in it together for money making, it's a complete alienated universe compared to when you are in it together for fighting for others' rights and freedom. 

With newly developed work progress, I think I am upgrading again, into Momo version 10.0. Obviously I am extremely smart, intelligent, well-informed, hard-working plus social, helpful and trustworthy all that leadership skills, who doesn't want to have me in their team? Was I like this before? I think 10 years back I was definitely not this assertive. Much more shy and introverted, self-doubt would play out once a while. Now my mind is as hard as steel, as I blink, I brush aside any possibility of generating thoughts that could contain self-doubt; I affirm myself through calm and in-depth analysis and dissection, in pure objective manner. 

I have truly become the comedian of our group. So many things to share with them, some stories I have told uncountable times so when again I am vividly describing, it's immense fun to watch. Never felt comfortable to be the center of attention, always tried to avoid it, but now I found my sweet spot of being the louder one who can make the whole table laugh. If this is not upgrade, then what is?

Over the years, I have earned my place, my own place within myself. 

Now I feel it, the social roles you are in determine the level of respect you will get. As a housewife or mother, the level of respect your husband's family and friends are able to provide is ultimately limited. Get that, I have no original family or friends here, every relationship, I earned. Fortunately I have been in serious business before, not only respectful, also earned a lot to help his family getting out of huge debt. Therefore my husband learnt to respect me, in the level which satisfied me. But a 8-year pause is about the right amount of time to exhaust that respect. Not saying it's running thin, at all, but it's really good that I got back. Got back to my own circle, to the people I build partnership with, to the experience that I earn my respect through hard work. And this level of satisfaction can never be replaced by the pride of a mother or the indulgence to a wife from a husband or a lover. Because I am a complete independent entity here, my valid existence does not pertain to someone else, most likely someone who shines in the spotlight and you only belong behind the curtains.    

Something to be sure, this upgrade makes me even more open, more brave, more straight-forward, and more confident and assertive. At this point of my life, I can't stop feeling how lucky I am, was, actually. The most important people I made into my life, more than a decade ago, all turned out to be the most open and kind. My husband, my prof, my close teammates, they are all like skies that can stretch to endless, like oceans that disappear into the horizon, for me. The skies and oceans for me to fly and sail. No matter what forms I change into, no matter what degree of emotions I want to explore, they standby, quietly observe, support and love me in their own way. 

So version 10.0 it is then. Something worth celebration.