Being a mom

I admit I get a little bit, actually a significant amount, of anxiety with this issue. My son has a girl best friend now who he hangs out with all the time. 

A beautiful family from South Korea, daddy a cool open-minded guy who likes drums and leads some Google products. Mommy a gentle sweet Korean woman who possesses enchanting and implicit Eastern beauty. Because of the "best friend situation" that both of the families know, we did try to arrange some playdates and try to know each other. 

They liked all of my ideas for after-school classes. The first thing they put the girl to was the same Taekwondo classes, girl speaks fluent Korean and writes & reads too, Taekwondo is her culture. Sometimes Shiva wants to attend lower belt sections just to be with her. Girl was also sent to the same horse riding coach for a few months until she was found to be allergic to hay and horse... After hearing Shiva's School of Rock experience, now girl is also a regular student for private lessons there, she chose the keyboard and in the waiting list to join band practice. They tried to enroll her into the same summer music camp as ours, didn't get it but for a different week. Every Friday afternoon the two children attend private lessons at the same time. I enjoy chatting with either the mommy or daddy for that half an hour. 

Today girl's mommy sent me a message asking if I could enroll Shiva for the "parents' night out" at the Taekwondo studio. Girl was bugging her parents about it. It's from 6pm to 9pm, kids get dropped off, watch a movie and eat snacks together, maybe some exercise too. Bring blankets because they are gonna sit or lie down together. 

I did get a bit panic there, for a minute. 

I sent urgent messages to the group of Raj, Leena and Noah. I think they all thought I was crazy. 

Raj sent me separate messages, shouting at my face "Just chill out, will you? He's only 7! Boys at this age know nothing! They only get feelings after 14 or so!"

Well, if Raj has no problem with it, I did reply to girl's mommy right away saying we are up for it...with my hands shaking and sweating...

I mean I'm definitely not a possessive mother who doesn't let go of her son, lol... "My son is the best creation and most beautiful creature in the universe!" lol you should see how I scold my kids and I do feel extremely uncomfortable nowadays when my son comes to stick to me and kiss me on my lips...

I also enjoy being categorized as "the cool mom", if that doesn't conflict with my fundamentals. 

Why am I anxious then? Good question. Because I have lived through it! 

Who said 7, almost 8 years old is too young? I started at 9 years old! Shiva is not too far away from that, obviously...

I was never a shrewd girl who was smooth at talking and manipulating. I was just simply really intelligent and could feel for what the others felt, plus kind and genuine. And I see me in Shiva, well, sometimes...  

Love is two-way energy if there is a connection. With that intense energy, we co-existed in the same space before went to college. We grew up together, shaped by each other. He is part of me, I am part of him, and that never will change. It's also way before anyone I later met in life, so I am frank about it.  

More than ten years of fierce heartbeats, non-stop thoughts, and unstoppable tears. In a person's best years. Sometimes people are just not meant to be together. 

I was caged and chained, never had one day of freedom, never once opened my wings and flew. I only learned to stand on my feet many years later. 

From when we were let out till we respectively got married and had children, everything became a blur. We did try to find a way in between, I guess the universe had a different plan for me all along. Some words were never delivered to me, no matter how much he tried. 

Now I pushed away that whole space and shut my door, because of what happened in 2021. I felt relieved actually because I now have valid excuses to not return and face that drumming of my heart. 

Children. After children, all the choices either for them or for myself, I make for the best of them. 

Love, attraction, lust, aspiration, all of them could be locked up and put away, and that's all I intend to do. Done it before, can do it again. 

So do I want the same thing for my children? I have been struggling with this question. Back and forth. 

At the end of the day, I tell myself, it's not your life to live, it's not your decision to make. 

If I held so much grudge about being prisoned, I should not do the same to my children. 

That's all I know.

That's all I know, even now I use all my might to put myself in prison.