I'm a hard-core feminist, I have never hesitated to announce it to my friends and family, strangers in the bar, and the vast internet.
Feminist and feminism, a term being so twisted by the society that still deeply poisoned by patriarchal mindsets, never stopped being relevant to the progress and prosperity of society and humanity. Even after 200-300 years when it was first established.
Why? Because women today still being systemically discriminated against, widely harassed and their rights of being an equally important individual constantly violated.
I was sexually violated at the age of 8, then 12, then 27. Those are major violations that changed my personality and surely the course of my life. Small day-to-day violations are just uncountable...
I'm 36 now, my old scars left me easily stressed and agitated, and I found myself worrying about being raped or harassed constantly, no matter what I do, where I go, or who I'm with.
Some trust once was lost, was lost for good.
And all the women I know, had been sexually harassed in one way or another. You heard it right - ALL The women I know in person. The majority of them had a changed personality or temperament because of the severity of the violation.
My stories compared to what some of them had been through (rape, attempted rape, forced intercourse, violence, physical and emotional abuse...) almost sound like nothing.
But I sure went through a dark full 10 years to recover from my violations before my formative years. It was surely a decade filled with fear, doubts, nightmares, screaming, and tears.
Now you see me openly talking about feminism, sexual violence and all that, because I'm fully recovered. You don't see them talking about their stories, because they might never be recovered.
So tell me why we don't still need feminism in this world?
This time we are celebrating the traditional festival of Karva Chauth. This is the map of North India, not exactly covers the states where Karva Chauth is celebrated, but the difference is only by one or two states, that’s why I’m using this map (sorry I don’t know how to make my own map yet), I am also listing the states where this festival is celebrated on the right side of the map.
This is a very important festival in North India. It’s a women’s festival, celebrating the love between husband and wife. Wives would pray for the long-life and well-being of their husbands, they also fast for one whole day from sunrise to moonrise.
Yes you heard it right, wives fast and pray for the long life and health of their husbands. How lucky to be the husband right? Exactly my thought! My first impression was that, because in North India usually women’s rights were more oppressed (compared to the South), that’s why this festival was more prominent. And the people who were celebrating it were unconsciously falling into the trap of Patriarchalism.
Think about it, why only the wives have to fast and pray for the long-life of husbands, right? Why husbands didn’t need to pray for the health of wives, right? For me, it reflected the unbalanced power in the relationship, manifesting the dominant role of husbands in the family.
As a hard-core feminist, also as someone's first time hearing about this festival, in the beginning, it was not easy for me to accept this festival as it was. I was worried that with the celebration, women’s rights were violated, at least the current husband-wife status quo in the North was going to be enhanced, which would ultimately hamper the progress of the feminism movement.
Drawing from my own understanding, I was also afraid that women were damaging their health by fasting, and some households might be forcing their daughter-in-laws to fast, so as to save money on her food. Coming out from China, I am very familiar with how a patriarchal society looks: sisters always get less than brothers, less food, fewer toys, fewer clothes, lower in both quantity and money-value, daughters usually get way less investment in their education and development, compared to sons.
It was much easier for me, a person who was not native to Indian culture, to accept festivals that featured the power of Goddesses like Durga Puja, Kali Puja and Lakshmi Puja etc, but not festivals like Karva Chauth.
Actually my own in-law family doesn’t celebrate this festival, because they reside in the East part of India (although there are similar festivals like this I’m sure). The reason this festival got into my life was, a lot of my friends were from the North part of India.
November 2018 when I was in Delhi traveling, I joined a Karva Chauth prayer gathering with my friend, as well as participated in the celebration party hosted by my cousin sister-in-law later in the night. November 2019 I was at home in California, my neighbor is a Delhi girl, she and her friends hosted the prayer gathering and I was lucky enough to be invited.
My friend, the woman who took me for the first Karva Chauth function ever in my life, now she and her husband moved to San Francisco. This festival is very important in her family and culture, so this November, I also celebrated Karva Chauth with her. In fact, one week before Karva Chauth, my neighbor pinned me in WhatsApp to discuss this year’s celebration, it turned out that she and her friends all preferred to have the prayer by themselves, instead of gathering, due to the pandemic outbreak.
It seems like no matter if my in-law family celebrates Karva Chauth or not, I am going to celebrate with my friends here and there every year. Karva Chauth will be part of my adopted Hindu life anyway.
To be honest, for the past two years, I joined the events as an outsider and an observer, due to my curiosity. I fathomed, it was so fortunate to be invited into the authentic celebration of unfamiliar cultures, therefore one could really get into it, and understand it.
However I hadn’t done any fasting for both of the years. In fact, I hadn’t done any fasting for any of the Hindu festivals I ever participated in before. Simply because my in-law family never asked me to. Instead, my in-laws always urge me to eat on time and eat well, they love to see me take good care of my health. There were some events that required my mother-in-law to fast, some happened to be the time when she was here with us in America. She just did it quietly all by herself, never even bothered to tell me more details. When I asked, she said, “I am ok, I am old, it’s good to fast sometimes. But you are a baby, you are my child, so you don’t need to fast at all.”
This slightly obscure attitude toward mothers on fast seems to be kind of common nowadays in India, resulting from the ongoing feminist thinking awakening. A lot of people started questioning if letting their mothers fast is a truly good idea for their health since malnutrition and health negligence happens way more often to women, who are holding sharply lower social status than men.
During the prayer gathering for Karva Chauth, when I told my friends that I wasn’t fasting, they just replied “Oh ok” without further inquiry. Because it was completely my freedom, they respect it, just the same as I respect their freedom to fast.
Derived from my own prejudice, I subconsciously connected wives’ fasting and praying to behavior that is “subjected to sexism”. However, after observing my friends who truly enjoyed this festival, I started to question:
all of my female friends, like the friend who first introduced me to Karva Chauth, right before the prayer gathering, she was wearing a saree, all dressed up and driving a giant Jeep in the street of Delhi, showing full confidence (oh we had a lot of fun on this one). Her husband is a successful entrepreneur in Silicon Valley who founded a fast-growing startup, a rising star indeed, however, she didn’t rely on his help, but steadily built up her own organization, bringing the beautiful and rarely seen culture from her birthplace to the world, helping to mobilize and liberalize the women from the mountains.
And take a look at my cousin sister-in-law and her friends in Delhi, they are all working women, they all have their own professions, and are financially independent. My sister-in-law’s tall friend, this beautiful lady, has also been running for elections in Delhi, wishing to join politics. And according to my observation, their relationship with their husbands are equal and modern, as admirable as any happy couples I’ve seen in different parts of the world. Btw that’s the true face of the middle class in metropolitans in today’s India actually.
And my friends in America, these amazing ladies who all work in Silicon Valley’s high-tech companies, some of them in high-ranking management roles, almost all of them have Master’s degrees in technology or management.
And most importantly, they are all somewhat feminists (in or out of the closet feminists as I put it, like my husband, I call him In-the-Closet Feminist, who is still needing a bit time to come out of the closet, but judging from his behavior and thought patterns, yes, he is a feminist). Yes I talked with most of my female friends if I had a chance, very directly, as you know me, so I know.
Ok, hence my question is: my feminist friends, why they are willingly being subjected into the customs that are seemingly sexist? Why don't they feel it’s not Ok to fast and pray for the husband’s long-life, while the husband doesn’t need to do the same? Aren’t they feeling oppressed?
For the cultures and customs that one is not native to and not familiar with, just based on some shallow impressions, a lot of people tend to judge it from a “higher moral ground”. Perceiving oneself to be more liberal and more progressive, putting oneself into the mindset of a “savior”, a lot of people tend to impose their own opinions on others from different cultural backgrounds, without fully understanding the other cultures.
This is some fundamental human trait, a mistake that all of us humans keep making over and over again, throughout human history. Therefore, my early judgment on the festival of Karva Chauth, is it a prejudice built on misunderstanding and ignorance?
No matter what, I think I took the first step by asking questions and starting to think over.
As I was digging more into it, I gained more knowledge and understanding on the concept of Fasting:
1. First of all, I got myself familiar with the origin of the concept of Fasting: fasting exists in all of the major religions in the world - different branches of Christianity and Catholics, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddism etc etc. The Taoism that originated in China also required intense fasting to obtain immortality. Each religion has its own rules, what can one eat, what can not, is water allowed or not, which festivals require fasting, for how long, at what exact time etc etc.
Although there are derivatives of the method, the purpose of fasting tends to be similar across religions - obtaining purity in the body hence the spirit, so to better pray to or serve the god/ goddess. Gluttony (excess greed or lust for food) is considered to be a major sin across different religions.
2. Secondly, I realized fasting is only a form that has no indication to the core relationship between husband and wife. Because fasting is a religious behavior, it’s not pertained to gender, it’s surely not an act designed to keep women oppressed. The women who fast in Karva Chauth, the action of fasting itself, has no correlation to being anti-feminism.
But if the woman truly accepts her unequal family status and views her husband as godly and higher in command, if the woman truly believes that her well-being is less important than her husband’s, her existence is merely an extension to her husband’s. Then the celebration of Karva Chauth for that individual family, is soaked in sexism for sure.
However each family has its own situation, it could be completely different from each other. Labeling the festival of Karva Chauth or the activity of fasting to be unprogressive and illiberal, it’s making a generalization and suspiciously stereotyping.
Take my friends and family for example, all of them are financially independent and emotionally mature, their husband-wife relationship is based on mutual respect and understanding. So when they pray for their husbands’ health and prosperity, there is hardly any difference to how you and I pray for the health and well-being of our parents, siblings, family members, friends etc.
It doesn’t matter if the person prays on a specific festival or not, if the person fasts or not on that festival. The core relationship between husband and wife has no cause-effect relation to the formalities.
On the other hand, for the couples who are already in an unequal relationship, the reality is not going to change due to the festival. The reality of a wife being the victim of marital inequality, emotional suppression or even physical abuse by the husband, abuse by other in-law family members like mother-in-law or sister-in-law, abuse by the society that treats this inequality as a norm, is not going to change, if you fast or not.
The only feasible path to lift up women’s social and family status, in my opinion, is that women have to fight for their own rights, gradually, over time, little by little. In time, a woman has to find independence and self-worth from other places like the workplace, a career of any sort, or just something she is good at, a friend circle that is in favor of her etc -- somewhere that gives her validation and fosters her self-respect.
forgot to record the paragraphs in bracket【With the newly obtained self-realization and confidence, a woman can undergo some under-the-table negotiation with her in-law family, so as to improve her situation in the family.
In my opinion, in a lot of cases, a change of attitude and perception could bring a significant amount of change in the relationship. If you are always willing to be subjected to oppression, the suppression will grow only stronger and more ruthless. But if you learn to stand up on your feet and express your feelings openly and wisely, slowly, an understanding about you could be formed, and that could bring you changes. 】
According to my observation, some of the best tactics for the feminism movement, in family and social structures (most probably not applicable in professional fields) are to unfold quietly and steadily, over the course of time. The most effective way to achieve is not to outthrow the current social setups overnight, but to somehow maintain a healthy social and family relationship, while secretly growing bones and muscles for future negotiation.
However this is under the circumstance that women's rights are not violated by ongoing violence of any sort or outright exploitation.
From a different angle, unequal family relationships (as how we define “equality” in the 21st century), is not automatically an indicator of lacking warmth and affection among the family members. Most probably, the spontaneous and passionate romantic flame is lacking, because to make that kind of a spark, one crucial condition is that the couple should consider each other as equal and be mutually intrigued by the counterpart’s ability and prowess.
However if the wife treats her husband with high regard and views him as the one who takes care of the whole family, vice versa, if the husband credits his wife for holding up her “designated roles” in the family - as a loving wife, a nurturing mother, a respectful daughter-in-law etc, this is also a functional model for a husband-wife relationship which could lead to harmony and happiness.
Therefore in the so-called unequal relationship, if there is no violence and exploitation, you can’t say for sure that the couple is unhappy, needing your savior. At the end of the day, we all think differently and want different things. The path to self-salvation, is one’s own path to take, only one can do it for oneself, nobody else.
The truth is, for thousands of years, almost all the husband-wife relationship in India has been built upon this model, a model where each family member has his and her distinctive role, and the roles for men are definitely more essential, more important and respected by the family and society.
This traditional family model has always intertwined with culture and religion, acting as the bedrock of social morality in India. Generation after generation, people have been protecting this social structure as part of their culture and heritage. Thus it is unrealistic to break down this structure overnight, so to serve the feminism movement.
And it surely will do more harm than good to society if change happens too fast (talking from a Chinese’ perspective, in modern history Chinese’s drastic social changes only brought turmoil but hardly progress). I don’t think this is the path the feminism movement should take.
In fact, the feminism movement in India also rarely focuses on demolishing the current social structure in a short period of time, but seeking a way for improvement and reformation. For example, pushing reforms in the legal system, to make more inclusive laws to better protect women’s rights, to make more efficient legal procedures to better deliver justice to the hurt ones. For example, raise awareness about violations on women’s rights, raise funds to make more girls educated.
As a matter of fact, dialogues in different styles - themed conferences, news reports and analysis, books, movies, tv serials, documentaries, talk shows, youtube videos, social media groups and posts, even advertisements, are part of feminism awareness efforts. And all these dialogues are playing an important role in changing the landscape of India’s social structure, gradually.
Back to today’s topic, this is my second realization: fasting is only a form that has no indication to the core relationship between husband and wife.
3. My third realization - I’ve learned how Indians really feel about fasting. In India, fasting has traditionally been seen not only as an act of religion, but also a health method. By fasting, people believe they give time for the body to detox and cleanse, removing toxins that are accumulated in the body over time, which could be potentially harmful for long-term health. After one fasting cycle, the body could reboot and start again, clean and fresh.
This is especially true for seniors, Indian people believe as older you get, the ability to digest food decreased. It’s very common to find Indian elderly reduce food intake significantly, especially meat, oily and fatty food, so to keep fit and achieve long life. Actually, the majority Indians, when they are getting a little older, usually 45 to 50 years old, will switch to a purely vegetarian diet, if they were not a vegetarian earlier in life. In this way, not only their body could be cleaner and healthier, their mind is also getting purified.
This is the reason why Indians are not likely to connect fasting to rights’ violation. Rather oppositely, most Indians consider fasting a fine and healthy act for body and mind, and they would love to find excuses such as various festivals to conduct it.
4. Fourthly, I’ve gained a broader understanding of the way people celebrate this festival, financial-wise. It turns out, most households spend additional money on the wife and daughter-in-law during this time. Women are likely to receive gifts from their husbands, mothers-in-law and friends. Gifts such as fancy sarees, jewelry, makeups etc are usually given by the husbands. Wives would love to wear them during the prayers and gathering, so to show how much she is loved.
The prayer thali(the metal plate) with sacred pot, sieve, sweets, diyas and all, usually is prepared by the mother-in-law, she gives it to daughter-in-law as a gift, every year a new set. Mother-in-law is also in charge of preparing her daughter-in-law the grand breakfast before the fast. Breakfast is put together in another thali called Saagi, it better be grand, with all kinds of tasty bites. The dinner to break the fast is also usually a big one, prepared by the husband or mother-in-law.
Therefore to think that people are saving money on women’s food, is far away from reality. At the end of the day, it’s a festival that belongs to women, for them to enjoy and feel happy about.
5. And lastly, I’ve also realized, traditionally, during the fast women who have no outside work usually sleep the day off by not doing any house chores. Family members also don’t expect them to work. The only thing she needs to do is to dress up and join the prayer event in the evening. If you are that woman, is it a tough choice to make? Yes, no lunch, but in return, no house chores and tons of gifts and fun.
Not only the misunderstandings on fasting was cleared, I’ve also digged more into the origin of this festival: Karva Chauth is mainly celebrated in North India, because according to one of the folk tales, it originated in the time of the Mughal invasion. Men were at the border fighting Mughal armies so to protect their families, women and children were left at home to pray for the men’s victory and safe return.
So each year, there was one day, women would love to dress up with colorful new clothes, make a lot of sweets and spend a day together, they would fast from sunrise to moonrise, to pray for the warriors who were fighting the war. This origin is especially popular among the Sikhs and Kshatriyas in North India who are the warriors traditionally.
Just like all of the festivals and mythologies in India, Karva Chauth also has multiple origins. One of the other popular ones is: in ancient times, a new bride was sent far away from home to her in-law family, it could be really lonely and considered unhealthy for her well-being. The solution was to “assign” a Godsister to her. The Godsister would talk to her daily, help her be familiar with in-law’s culture and customs, share her secrets etc.
Therefore Karva Chauth in some areas in the North, is a festival to celebrate sisterhood.
The bride, her godsister and other women in the family and neighborhood would start purchasing new sarees and jewelries weeks before. A few days before Karva Chauth, they would paint the clay pot with colors, make a lot of homemade sweets to put in the pot. They would also draw Mehndi on their hands and feet, so as to enjoy the festivity. On Karva Chauth day, they would exchange the clay pot full of sweets, in this way passing their gifts and appreciation to one and another.
It’s the love among women that they are cherishing and celebrating during Karva Chauth.
I have to say after observing these many Indian festivals, I have come to understand one thing: why do people follow traditions with such zests?
Because tradition is the heritage their ancestors, elders and grandparents passed to them, tradition is the knowledge of life their parents and family gifted them to have a better life. To respect tradition, is to show acceptance and love. Calling tradition the transmission of customs is not entirely conclusive, tradition is rather more of transmission or demonstration of love, love to your roots and origin.
That’s why when it comes to tradition, a lot of people intentionally fail to notice or reason the logic behind each and every custom, as long as nobody is hurt. For centuries, even thousands of years, whatever their family has been doing, they would follow through, so as to show respect to their roots.
I think this is a very crucial standpoint to understand Indians and their persistence to tradition.
After learning all these fascinating facts, are you also gaining a better understanding, as well as a more respectful and favorable attitude toward a culture that is different from yours? It’s a fabulous thought experience I have to say.
To any tradition and custom that survived for a long time, especially in India, uncountable traditions have survived for thousands of years. Thousands of years! That’s longer than most of the civilizations that had existed in human history. If you haven’t been living in it yourself, if you haven’t made yourself acquainted with the details, if you never cared to figure out the hows, whys and the history behind. Based on limited knowledge and experience, judging and criticizing from a baseless “higher moral ground”, it’s called Prejudice and Discrimination.
Sadly it’s one extremely common human trait, I am pretty sure we all made misjudgment out of false conception that we inherited from our impartial knowledge of ourselves and the world.
The important thing is to learn to wake up your mind and open up your eyes, so be able to consciously avoid such traps in the future.
Furthermore, as I was learning about traditions and customs, I realized that there was always some reason why certain customs were passed down from our ancestors, and the reason most definitely was sincere and was for goodwill. In other words, traditions are usually served as accumulated life experiences aimed to improve the quality of the descendants’ life.
This means, tradition is not something sinister to begin with, rather oppositely, it’s something that should be treated with respect and consideration, even though sometimes it could appear to be out fashioned.
Unfortunately, in modern China, some people in power had malevolently used the “rusted part” of the tradition to impose that all traditions were backward and regressive, and needed uprooting eradication at once.
Why? Because only with such distortion, plotted social uprisings were able to establish “moral ground”. Abrupt and forceful social changes come with great social unrest, social unrest comes with the chance of manipulation, hence the chance of consolidating power.
In the name of purging “innately backward and outdated traditions'', truly was all for personal gain and power grab.
The long-term consequences of such draconian measures are yet to be unfolded. But one thing is clear, after one cultural cleansing and another, China suffered tremendous loss of traditions and heritage.
Uncountable profound customs are on the edge of extinction, for example most of today’s Chinese hardly know the detailed procedures of Chinese traditional weddings and the meaning behind each step, yes, there was reasoning behind each setup...
For example, we hardly know the stories and tales behind each traditional festival, let alone how to prepare for and proceed with the celebration and prayers.
Do we still follow the calendar of Chinese New Year? 3 days before, 2 days before, on the eve, new year day 1, day 2, day 3, each day has its own function and rules. Do we still unite our ancestors from the past and celebrate all the household genies like Kitchen God, Craft God and Land God? No, we only have a vague idea but not much in detail, at least that my family has lost track of the to-dos and not-to-dos down to the days.
Do we still have our village or community band and dancing team to perform traditional instruments and dances on specific days and events? No, those are rarely found in cities, even in the most remote villages.
The rich soil of culture has become thin and barren, the once colorful way of living is now tasteless and bland.
Because some customs were old and not compatible with the new norms, so to dismiss every other old customs and eliminate all traditions as a whole, I have to say this is a complete failure of policymaking.
A nation without traditions and heritage, it’s like a plant without roots, you can count the days before it fully dries out.
In Chinese society, a lot of collective symptoms have already emerged due to the loss of roots, for example, the loss of moral compass and core social values, the loss of confidence in the sense of cultural identity. An obvious indication of moral decay and loss of faith is to be found in every corner of society.
And on top of that, a promised open, modern, scientific, democratic social and political structure is light years away from reality, even though the old had seemed to be once deserted completely.
On the other hand, India’s well-known Soft Power is built on its deep and vast roots of history and culture. The cultural identity of Indians is shockingly unshakable, the adherence to one’s own culture and heritage helped the Indians navigate through in the dark age of colonization, exploitation and cultural imperialism, it helped them gain independence and find the light of democracy, it helped them embrace modernization and transition into the new age.
The influence of Indian culture to the world is so significant, there is indeed something we all could learn from it.
Also I have to point out that for Chinese, tradition is not the only thing taken away from us, in the wake of violation of any right (no matter it’s the right to tradition or the right to religion), most likely you will find yourself losing all of the rights, namely Fundamental Human Rights, on top of the list is Freedom, Freedom to Be Yourself as it is, Freedom of Choice, Freedom of Speech, Freedom to Think and Freedom to Thrive.
Losing tradition is just the result of losing individual freedom. And if God permits, one day, freedom could be replenished into the society, people might find a lot of lost heritages back, I hope.
I have to say, under the Extremely Centralized Autocratic rule of Monarchy, Individual Freedom is its Natural Enemy, as natural as freedom is the Innate Quality of Human Beings.
China has been exercising centralization of government's power for more than 2000 years and came up with an Exquisitely Sophisticated Mechanism to maintain centralized control and constrain Liberty. The system is so Intricate and Profound, it has become Immensely Difficult to bring any change into it.
But there is no other way to obtain freedom but to change this state apparatus, and to change the system, the only key is to release the power of Individual Freedom.
While for more than 2000 years the concept of liberty has been Amputated to serve the purpose of centralized control, the Suppressed and Twisted understanding of freedom has become the core value of the Chinese culture. How can the Chinese break that spell once and for all? You tell me.
Ok ok I’ve gotten carried away, back to Karva Chauth, how do North Indians celebrate this festival?
On the day of Karva Chauth, women would fast from sunrise to moonrise. Around 3 to 4 o’clock AM, women would wake up to eat a grand breakfast, this feast before the fast usually is prepared by the mother-in-law and is pure vegetarian. After the early breakfast, the fast starts.
In most places, women don’t even drink water during the fast, but just like all the things, in India, there is no universally fixed rule on anything, a lot of women also drink water and milk tea (chai) during the fast. Especially for the women who have to work outside the house, it helps to drink chai with sugar and milk, they need that portion of liquid, carbohydrate, and protein to stay up.
Actually, if you have a big breakfast and keep drinking some milk tea throughout the day, it’s not so difficult to skip lunch, because a grand dinner awaits.
On the afternoon of the Karva Chauth day, traditionally, women would take showers and change into their new dresses, they would put on makeup and fancy jewelry. Then they would gather together, sit in a circle to have the prayer event. There would be one senior lady reciting the stories from ancient times, the stories about the warrior husbands on the border who fought the invaders to protect the nation.
After one section of the story, the storytelling senior stops, women start singing prayers, while holding up the sacred thali, and pass it onto the lady next to her. After one round of Thali passing, when your own thali comes back in your hands, this praying section ends with you placing the thali in front of your forehead and saying a prayer, afterwards the storytelling section resumes.
After many rounds of sections like this, when the storytelling senior finishes her stories, the praying event is also ended. Usually, it lasts about an hour. Women then get up, pay respect to seniors and greet to one and another. There are lemonade and water on the side, for the women who prefer to drink water during fast.
On this footage, it’s the Karva Chauth prayer gathering event I attended in October 2018 in Delhi. Most of the ladies in the video are Sikhs, Karva Chauth is one of the main festivals among Sikh communities because traditionally they have always been fighters and warriors.
Let me have some more words about the praying thali. On the Thali, women would place one or several diyas, some matches to light the diyas, a special sieve, some water in the decorated pot, some sweets, some fresh flowers, a little red clothes to cover the thali etc.
Diyas are to be lighted up during the prayer gathering and moon watching event, the sieve is used during the moon watching event after moonrise. During the moon watching event, both husband and wife would come under the light of the moon, the wife would see through the sieve to appreciate the magnificent moon and her handsome husband. Meanwhile the husband would feed the wife some sweets and water from the thali, to break her fast, as well as to show gratitude for her sacrifices.
All these details are very interesting, I will explain more when I show you guys how we celebrated Karva Chauth in the year of 2020, in the next video.
I have been constantly in fear because I know what darkness feels like. Thank you America to demonstrate how a democratic system works, how this structure can really crush any "dreams" of a dictator. Democracy will prevail.
Today my in-law parents are coming from India, my husband Raj will go to pick them up from San Francisco airport. They are going to stay with us until the beginning of March! We are all excited, we are going to have so much fun.
The other day our Korean Taekwondo Master was confused, he asked Raj: ”Are you sure it’s not going to be more work for Momo? Because in our culture, mother-in-law means more work.” I completely understand what he meant, and appreciate the reasonable concerns.
Actually among all the Asian cultures, Korean and Chinese are the most similar. For more than a thousand years, Korean kingdoms had been highly influenced by Chinese kingdoms, they imported the whole bureaucratic system and core social values to Korea. For a fairly long time, Chinese kingdom was able to make the Korean kingdom its own state. Koreans had to pay taxes to the Chinese king. We’ve been sharing the same language and literature for a long time. There were some brutal wars for independence in history, I totally understand why king Sejong created his own alphabet to break free from the Chinese influence.
That’s why I always feel close to Korean culture, it’s a culture I feel closer to than today’s China, whose culture is almost completely ruined by the current communist regime. And I am always fascinated by how Koreans and Taiwanese got democracy, I am eager to know what cultural barriers they had to cross to achieve that.
Ok ok, focus Momo focus!
So ya, I totally understand what Korean Master meant for “when mother-in-law presents, there is going to be more work.” It’s undeniably true in all of the patriarchal plus family-orientated societies, including India, Japan, Philippines, Vietnam, most Asian cultures actually. Well, depending on if you live in the old part of the society or the modern part of society. In a lot of families, young couples who both have work in the city, they could somehow find somewhat of equality between husband and wife, but when they have to live together with older generations, most probably they can’t escape the traditional family values, well, unless the in-laws are super cool like mine.
Actually, I have to say, in China because of the purge of traditional values (which is a disaster btw, I am finishing my other video talking about this in details, will be uploaded soon), the Chinese are more open to western family values, which is individual-orientated (in the family sense only, not rights and political sense). So in the current years, you might find many more financially and emotionally independent Chinese women who are extremely feisty and not willing to be subjected to the “old family values” that seemly put woman under.
Women’s rights elevation in China was also a result of one social turmoil after another, women as “half sky” were used to create force and labor for social movements. It also largely resulted from China’s One-Child policy from the 80s, with only one child in the family, no matter a boy or a girl, he or she gets all the attention and financial support. And in Japan, because they have been trying to integrate with the westerners for more than 150 years from the time of Meiji Reform, you might also find a lot of similarity in the modern Japanese values to the Western values.
Ok ok, focus Momo focus! LOL, when it comes to social movements and feminism, I just Can’t Stop Myself…
So ya, my Indian in-law parents are not ordinary Indian people. To begin with, they have always treated their three children with equality - my husband and his two younger sisters. They loved them with an equal amount of love, manifesting in an equal amount of attention and educational investment. Actually my husband complained that he got way less educational investment compared to his sisters, which is true, my husband had to arrange a lot of college costs by himself through scholarships and internships.
I have to say, one thing very important for Asian parents to remember is: a way to foster security and confidence in your children, especially daughters, is to show equal love among the siblings, no matter their genders and ages. Because our societies are deeply poisoned by patriarchal mindset, a lot of “lack of confidence behavior” rooted in the early years of age, when they were under family care and treated unequally. In a patriarchal society, women generally have way less confidence, because they are conditioned to think they are less than men from when they are young.
So ya, a strong woman is not built in one day, it has to start from day one. I guess I benefited from China’s sudden imposing of the One-Child policy, so, deep down I am confident enough to be a feminist and speak out my mind, I guess...
My mother and father-in-law have always treated their three children equally, they wanted all three of them to be educated and find their own place in the world through study. One of their favorite sayings is: "Son or daughter, there is no difference. Son can study well, daughter can too. Son can achieve, daughter can too.”
When my sisters-in-laws were still in college, many families came to propose arranged marriage to my in-law parents, most of them implied that they wouldn’t charge any dowry, due to the good reputation of my in-law family and the beauty of my sister-in-laws.
It was 10 year ago, this was still the norm of my in-law’s society by then: girls’ ultimate fate and good fortune is to be married off, education for girls is not for her own professional success, but merely a deco in her wardrobe. (My in-laws are from East India, Jharkhand, Bihar, West Bengal, the poorest states and most backward places in India btw. )
Facing such pressure, my in-law parents never backed down, instead, they said NO to whoever came and NO to the community that was watching closely:"My daughters are studying, study is very important to them. They have to study and Find A Job first, then we could move on to get them married. You can come later."
As you already know by now, both my sister-in-laws finished their studies: Lipi finished her more than 10 years of doctor’s training, now a popular pediatrician in the UK, UK granted her permanent citizenship right after she applied, due to her excellency. Leena finished her bachelor's study in one of the top universities in India, worked in Goldman Sachs in Bangalore for 4 years, then came to America to get a Master's degree in science, managed all of the fees by herself, now she works in Silicon Valley. Both Lipi and Leena chose their life partners by their own will.
Lipi’s husband is from South India, different caste, speaks totally different languages. East and South, you could say the two families have less similarity than families from two different countries. It was a long and tedious process to convince both sides of society. And Leena, as how she navigates her life in such a style, full of free spirit and excitement, eventually she chose a good boy from South Carolina.
For all of the life choices my sister-in-laws made, either for study or marriage, my parents-in-law respected their daughters’ own will and supported them through and through. Even in the times when the whole community was against them, my parents-in-law stood up for their daughters and protected them from the pressure of society. And that is truly something in India, I am not saying it’s that rare, but it’s extremely uncommon.
And it says a lot about my in-law parents. How open-minded they are, how forward-thinking they are, how kind and how strong they are. It was my pure luck to find such an in-law family.
They treat me like their own daughter, my mother-in-law always finds a chance to tell me:"You are my daughter, there is no difference between you and Lipi Leena. I love you like my own child. There is no difference between my love for my son and my love for you.”
So back to our Korean Master’s concern, will the presence of my mother-in-law make me work more? The answer is - Absolutely Not.
My mother-in-law would do everything she could to help me. “When I am here, you try to get some rest, when I’m gone, there is so much work for you.” She truly cares about my well-being.
From the time she lands, she would start working. Put this in mind: there is a 12-hour time difference between California and India. She gets over the jet-lag right away, by staying up and working the whole day whenever she arrives.
On one of the typical days when my mother-in-law is with us, she wakes up early in the morning, quickly does her 2-minute version of puja (so she wouldn’t waste too much time, it’s one of her old habits), then she would clear out the dishwasher, arrange all the dishes, then cook breakfast for the whole family. When the children wake up, she would come upstairs and help them wear clothes, brush their teeth and arrange their beds.
In the daytime wherever we go, library events, sports classes, playing in the park, buying groceries, she tags along and helps whenever she can. She helps me pack the snacks, she helps me carry the tricycles, she helps me pick the fruits and vegetables, she helps me load and unload the car, she watches the road when I drive, she plays with the children in the park, not for one minute she is absent...
After dinner, I would take the kids to read and sleep, she would stay alone downstairs, arrange all the leftovers, clean up all the dishes, wipe the desks and floor, if there is more time, she would fold dry clothes. She stays up late to finish all the house works.
Because she is a school teacher, she also takes the initiative to teach my children ABCs, maths and reading, and she keeps reminding me of the importance of education and how parents should be strict when it comes to discipline.
The most amazing thing is, while chipping in to help on all of the matters in the household, my mother-in-law is so smart not to make you feel that she is challenging your authority. If you don’t think about it, you wouldn’t even notice. What I mean is, she always puts the respect to me first, she wholeheartedly acknowledges that I am the children’s mother and I should decide on the to-dos and not-to-dos, she is not there to challenge this fact and only to help me, respecting my way.
I mean how smart it is right? A lot of conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are rooted in the fight of authority. A lot of mother-in-laws are not able to let go of their ego and power over their sons and family matters that are related to sons, daughter-in-laws and their grandchildren.
While my mother and father in-laws would never even make one comment about matters between my husband and I, I mean, in all of the conversions they make among themselves, to their children, to us (the daughter and son-in-laws), or to their community, the relatives who are so used to talk bad about their daughter-in-laws.
Whenever there are people complaining about their daughter-in-laws, my in-law parents actually would take up that chance to praise me, “oh my daughter-in-law is so good, she wouldn’t do this, she would definitely do the opposite” etc etc, like how they praise a goddess, for real... I guess that’s how I am so cherished and loved by my extended Indian family and community.
I mean nobody is perfect right, there is always something to complain about if you want, especially for the fact that I remain active online for all these years, and never hold my horses to criticize and be vocal about a lot matters, and all of our Indian community can see...but my mother and father-in-law have built a solid wall to protect me, to keep me safe from the social malice toward women and daughter-in-laws…
So ya, I am extremely lucky to have such smart and loving in-law parents, I am feeling truly grateful about this fact.
We were so looking forward to the arrival of my mother and father in-laws. Usually we would all go to the airport to pick them up, but this year, under the circumstance of the outspread of COVID. We decided that only my husband would go to the airport, we would receive them at home, taking all the precautions we can. Like all the times when my mother and father in law had spent with us in the past few years, I am 200% sure that this year we are going to have enormous fun as well.
The winter here is colder than India’s, so I took out some jackets and sweaters, as well as went to Costco to get some new clothes and shoes. My mother and father in law maintain a very simple life, they don’t like to spend on themselves. They never had much, whatever they had, went to the education of their children, if there were extra, they gave away to help the relatives and neighbors in need. Like all these winter clothes, most of them would end up in other people’s houses I am pretty sure. “People don’t need much to be happy”, that’s also one of their favorite sayings.
