Traveler - China

China

Using my cousin sister Rong's words, "People in China are not '安居乐业' (live and work in peace and contentment)." She is a lawyer for civil cases in Fuzhou. Because she is divorced, many women prefer her to help with their divorce cases. She earns quite a lot nowadays, drives a Tesla as a symbol of social status. She told me that when I had the marriage ceremony back in 2013, people were talking about me as the one who was most likely to divorce or suffer from unforeseeable misfortune, because I married a foreigner. Now, more than a decade has passed, and I am the only person who has stayed in a stable relationship, while none of my cousins ended up having a good marriage. All are either divorced, a single mom, or far away from finding a companion.

The infrastructure is dreamy in China, from metropolises to small towns and villages. If you are a tourist passing through the country for a few days, your jaw would drop in disbelief and amazement. How advanced has China become, right? Clean streets, fancy buildings, complex high-speed rail lines, and every transaction digitalized. Robots and drones are everywhere, as well as surveillance cameras, while cash is nowhere to be seen. But at the center of all life and emotions, there is the blatant exploitation of the world's most prominent, richest, cruelest, and most ruthless gangster organization: the CCP. They own every single cell of the land and the people, constantly sucking the essence out of every individual. They, under the leadership of the dictator, are making sure all small private businesses have hard days and years ahead and will gradually all die out, causing the country's economy to fall and people to suffer. At the end of the day, all the land belongs to the gang but not an inch to the people, no?

Of course, people are not '安居乐业'. 

I got six years' worth of updates from my friends and family this time. Mostly, it was gossip about my peers' divorces, remarriages, affairs, and even imprisonment. At least half of them have divorced, some multiple times. Affairs and scandals have become so common that they are completely normalized. Since women are mostly financially independent, divorce has become the norm. However, women who don't work outside the home and earn good money are discriminated against. This discrimination comes from a deep-seated insecurity, fueled by the lack of a social safety net, that's visible on every person's face. Many of my peers - including my parents' peers - have experienced or are experiencing bankruptcy and business failure. One close acquaintance was even jailed for economic crimes. Sudden, drastic rises and falls in people's lives have become increasingly common. In a land without laws or rules, who can really know the reason behind anyone's imprisonment? Gangsters kill each other easily, no? And there is one truth that is applicable to every matter, every event, and every being in China: power and connection. No rules and laws, but everything functions under power and connection. Then their prison is solely for the purpose of power grabs and power struggles, no? 

The signs of a stalled and failing economy are everywhere. Our dictator has single-handedly buried China's economic prosperity by reverting to a state-owned economic structure and communist ideology. He has suppressed and exploited all private sector and small businesses, forcing them into bankruptcy, while making the country an enemy of nations around the world. His capricious leadership has caused widespread uncertainty and fear, pushing out entire industries and manufacturing chains.

A gloomy, unfortunate cloud hangs over everyone. The general public is finally feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with a society that seems "perfect" from the outside - a feeling that this image of "perfection" might be imposed and forced upon us. This is the same feeling that drove me to leave all my comfort and luxury behind, to discover what was different in a world utterly unfamiliar to me. It's a feeling I had been fondling in my mind for as long as I could remember, but I could never find a single soul to discuss it with or validate it.

Now, after almost two decades of rootless drifting and endless struggles, I am finally the one to blame, because I have built a life that is entirely free from the curse of that land. I used to be soaked in lawless blood, submerged in stacks of cash, jewels, and alcohol. The kind of money I see now, I had seen and lived with some 20-30 years ago. I have touched more gold and jade that belonged to me than most people's grandparents. But I never took comfort in it and never forgot that raw, absurd, but intuitive feeling - something was fundamentally wrong. I yearned for rule and law, and yearned for a sense of justice and dignity that I only read about in books. Now, each penny I own is absolutely clean; I am finally the one to blame. I know it's ultimately unfair because no one can choose their starting line, but I've paid my dues and have never stopped my efforts to help. In my stubborn conviction, the only help this cursed land truly needs is the truth. I have never stopped trying to help in my own stubborn way, even though it caused me to be hung on the wall. After all of that, now, finally, I am the one to blame. 

In my small hometown of 150k people, everybody was aware that I had come back for a visit; their eyes followed closely wherever we went. People were obviously staring at us, but they only quietly murmured to each other after recognizing us. Unless they were my parents' friends or acquaintances, they wouldn't actively reach out. In contrast, in India, I turned into the center of attraction wherever I went. People called out to me and requested to take a photo with me. I ended up on hundreds of Indian people's phones for a few days while traveling around the country. 

Oh, China, the place that holds all of my lost childhood dreams, the place that will stay in my deepest consciousness no matter where I move on to, the place I could call "home" in the most natural and intimate way. However, this homeland of mine had my roots cut and discarded cruelly, and I've stopped growing them, not here, not there, not anywhere. I have turned myself into rootless duckweed, floating wherever the wind takes me. Perhaps the deepest conscience doesn't come from roots, but from the monsoon rain, from the wild winter's snow, from the sweetness a natural spring carries, or from the first cheeping sound of a baby bird. I have a thousand and one connections and links with this land, and my fate will always be intertwined with the people there. My baby cousins, nieces, nephews, uncles, and aunties are living there, and I love them to the core. Still, I do not belong there anymore. I am only a traveler.

I never have regrets in life. I try my best, even if it means going against the world, and as long as I believe in it and wish for it, I'd go for it and gladly take all consequences. No regrets but one - not meeting my grandma for five years before she passed. It was out of my control, I really couldn't do much to change the outcome, and along the way, I only had good intentions. All of my effort for more than a decade to bring about good change to my land resulted in the only regret of my entire life. I am the one to blame, and I am the one to curse.

The entire totalitarian regime stands in front of me. I am not afraid of you. I, will, never, ever, forgive, you, each and every one of you who robbed, exploited, grabbed, raped, kicked, and spat. You couldn't overcome your greed. In your continued exploitation and grabbing, you robbed and withheld billions of trillions of dollars' worth of resources for almost a hundred years that belonged to the people, and turned us into landless, homeless beggars who have no dignity or humanity. I. will. never. forgive. you. I stand in front of you and look down upon you. I curse you to face the karma you deserve within your lifetime. I have no hate; I am only bestowed with infinite Goddess power. I exercise no punishment; I will only make sure you reap what you sow.