My heart bleeds

I am not doing well. 

I don't understand why there is so much suffering in this world. 

I can't bear to live in such a world. 

I thought I escaped all that brutality by leaving China, but the truth is, escaping humanity's inhumanity is pure quixotism.

Am I the one who's gone mad, or is the world? 

Am I really existing, or is all this just a nightmare from which I could wake up?

Why does everybody act so normal as if none of them saw or heard a thing? As if nothing had happened?

Why do people fail to respond to children's cries for help? How can people allow the powerful to conduct such atrocities against children? 

How small people's minds are? How dark people's hearts can be?

Is this how it unfolds -- people, as a whole, gradually getting numb and falling into the abyss of authoritarianism and totalitarianism's coldness and cruelty? 

Or we, as people, never really had power?

Even when we were granted a certain level of power, we were too weak, ignorant, and deceived to accept and use it? Or did we take it for granted?

People are so selfish and short-sighted that they just couldn't see past the distractions and delusions in front of their eyes, and again and again fall into the same trap?

Most people do live in their tiny, dark, and lonely boxes without sunlight, don't they?

If I allow myself to be exposed to all the menacing crimes against the innocent children around the globe, how am I able to continue living? 

It takes a lot of courage to face the truth, that's why most of us choose to be small and weak, cold and distant, and choose to turn our heads away and shut our eyes?

Why is humanity always, always filled with slaughters, conquests, and oppressions? 

Endless atrocities — wars, genocides, extermination, eradication, and subjugation of entire peoples, they might pause for a while, but they will never leave us, will they?

Each powerful man has the potential to turn into a monstrous slaughtering machine, even with the whole world's helpless eyes on them?

Each society, no matter where it came from — even a high ground with absolute openness and freedom — could fall into darkness in a single night. It happened again, it will keep happening, isn't it?

What is wrong with us?

What is wrong with us???

"Mind fuck"

Holy shit, I can achieve spirituality or nirvana or whatever it is by getting lost in my writing! Oh, it feels so good...  

I realized my "novel" falls into the category of sci-fi, but my mind has never functioned as if it were constructing a fiction. Not in a normal sense. My mind has always been bubbling with non-fiction words, in a philosophical manner, never too much into imagining detailed personal ups and downs or relationships and stories between different individuals. Most of it feels too gossipy and soapy for me to truly enjoy.   

Especially after this "rekindle" effort - I officially announced my defeat on continuing the "dark" sexual rom-com after halfway through. I told Raj, "so much bullshit, detached from reality in all senses and also non-nutricious at all to my mind." Not to demean, but it's really not for me. How deep can two people go, emotionally and spiritually, when both are stereotypically conditioned under the mainstream doctrination? How complex can a story between two people be while lacking any description or regard for the social structures and networks in which they live? I thoroughly enjoyed the "Bridgerton" book series; they reminded me of the classics I loved and grew up with. They all possess a thorough understanding and display of their current societal frameworks, as well as the diverse relationships and characteristics within them, which is what makes them interesting. There is a massive difference between rom-com and classics; no wonder I had never gravitated towards them growing up. In the Chinese language, such rom-com is prominent too, alright? Because it could stay as far away from politics as the authors wish, they are safe and profitable, and they make girls scream! 

Gosh, I will never be a "famous" writer. I don't think I can ever write to satisfy people's fantasies and whatnot. My nonfiction style of writing may not be interesting to most people on Earth. Meanwhile, she is! After indulging in reading rom-com for a year, she is now a writer of rom-com! I do hope she finds calm, peace, and fulfillment in this process, and even achieves fame and success! Whatever makes one happy, right? I think as long as I can freely immerse myself in my own thoughts and imaginary worlds, amazed by the boundlessly weird concepts my mind conjures, I am all set! 

I will still be waiting to fall in love, though. I think the ultimate romantic scene for me would be -- mind fuck, a concept that popped up in my mind a second ago. I haven't experienced that, actually. With Raj, to a degree, for sure. But there might be more, I just don't know yet. What a great concept, "mind fuck". Imma include this in my novel! Imma invent a group of nouns and verbs to describe this concept in my own way, which becomes prominent in the late 2060s amidst the 4th wave of the feminist movement, a byproduct of the rise of "nonverbal meditational practice" and the surge of women's search for spirituality with their renewed sense of self-concept and their relationships with their physical and spiritual environment.  

Leena told Raj about me last night, "She was nonstop bubbling about her ideas in her sci-fi, feminism and all that, Sangha and I were high and couldn't stop laughing, and I was thinking to myself, wow, this girl is so smart, these weird points are all making so much sense!" I was high but so happy hearing it. I think this could be a little inspiration as for what "mind fuck" could feel like. 

I'd love the complete physical submergence comes with it though, hence I think my "mind fuck" could still be limited to be with one gender, in the general sense. I want to experience the back-and-forth in-depth exchanges about our minds and imagination; I want to be awed by how the other party can penetrate so deeply into my mind with their perceptions and imagination (while penetrating my female body - one on one DP); I want to know what it feels like to link our consciousnesses and lock them in the most magical way. An entity has to be equipped with the capability to achieve spirituality itself, in order to perform "mind fuck" with me who must be upgraded to have all senses open too. It could be entirely confined in my imagination, or it could be miraculously happening in this earthly world with another human being, or a (male) dolphin. I just don't know, yet. But yeah, I like this idea and will surely incorporate it into my sci-fi!

"We fuck b* together type shit" 

Where did this village illiterate come from???

I have never used the term "f*boy" on anybody

 (unless I aim to specially demean that person, never happened anyway)

I corrected a 22 y/o about calling women "chicks" 

was his father's way of expression

got poisoned growing up without knowing

but now he doesn't do it

"Just call them women, 

girls if they want to be called that way, or if they are young, 

but best, women"

On to the 4th wave we go

By the end of the third feminist movement, around the end of the 2020s, a large number of women had collectively woken up. 

"What is a woman?" Women were accustomed to being defined, molded, and confined within a certain perimeter. 

The definition of women was primarily established by men throughout human history, as they were viewed as being intended for sexual satisfaction, domestic companionship, and childbearing. 

Therefore, the process of defining "what is a woman" was intertwined with determining the specific roles men needed women to play, which best served them: wife, mother, daughter, sister, older or younger relative, lover, neighbor, maid, female friend, female student, female professional — each came with a menu elaborating on what was considered "good" and "bad", according to men's established social status and convenience. 

At its center was a woman's relationship to a man who could claim ownership of a majority of her life: her husband. 

Therefore, "what is a woman" was constrained mainly to the box of "what is a good wife" or "what is a good wife-to-be." 

Feminism, in its first three movements, was predominantly a struggle for freedom, specifically within the confines of the "ideal wife" or certain social roles predefined by men. 

Starting from the fourth wave, women garnered enough wisdom and strength to crack open the rusting box and recreate their self-image. 

The beacon

Parents, especially my mom, were excited to break the news to me: "We earned some money in the stock market; we'll tell you the details in the video call!" they hinted. I was unavailable for two days, and finally, they managed to get hold of me. 

"I thought you guys promised to never step into the Chinese stock market again?" "We got some special intel and stormed in and out in one day and earned a bunch." "Oh, I see. People will be thrown in jail in America. It's called insider trading." "What?! No, we are not doing anything illegal." My mom defended herself. "China too, it's illegal, I know." My dad knew, "Now I know why retail investors are the meat in the Chinese stock market, doomed to be sucked dry." He added. 

"I've been warning you two about this for how many years now? Ten? Maybe longer? There is no rule of law in China, not at all in the capital market; it's filled with insider trading, government-business collusion, corruption, and all kinds of illegal practices you can ever imagine. Who makes money? The bigger muscles that have the tightest connection to power at all levels. Who falls off the horse? Not the ones who 'break the law', but rather those who get pushed off the grid and executed in a power struggle, not because of any 'rule of law', but because they lose. Whose money do they make from? Retail investors who are brainwashed by government propaganda put in their whole life's blood and sweat, dreaming to gain something, but most definitely would find themselves crushed to powder and bones. Precisely how you lost so much of your own blood and sweat earlier. How many times have I explained this exact thing to you guys by now? Have you listened to me even once? Now that you have firsthandly experienced the fundamental norms in the Chinese capital market, you have tasted what it feels like to be on the side of the real gamers and exploiters, you can finally understand what it means to be a ready-to-be-butchered retail investor?" I won't miss a chance to patronize them, will I? I don't ever want to see them being sucked dry financially and emotionally any more. That's that. 

"No, no, all those politics have nothing to do with my life. My life is only from hand to mouth, I am only an inconsequential ant, and I don't intend to speak of any politics. I just want to live a comfortable life and..." My mom's brainwashed mode was switched on instantly in response to my comment; she went into the "defend the motherland/nation/one party/dear leader at all costs" lane in a mile a minute. 

"Yes, you do need to keep your mouth completely shut about what you did. Don't even talk to me over WeChat calls, as they most likely are monitored and recorded. But considering your position in the potential power struggle, which is entirely non-existent, no power struggle whatsoever on your way, you are reasonably safe. Just don't walk into it even one more step further, and stay the fuck out of all of that. You don't need any of that money!" 

"Okay, we got it." My dad knew what I was talking about. 

The thing is, as I thoroughly understand how China functions, in today's America, when I commented, "You will face legal consequences," I didn't feel the same level of confidence. Why? Because right now this country is ran by wanna-be Nazis and dictators who drool over all that illegal practices to aggregate unlimited amount of resources and consolidate absolute power!

Will America be strong enough to withstand such sudden blows? It is my constant struggle, if not fear. I have lived through my entire life, and I know how people can survive any sort of government malfunction. However, I also know how people's hearts and minds can become so twisted that you won't see an inch of light or humanity in them anymore. 

How to keep America's light of hope? How to keep the beacon that is lit inside most of its citizens' hearts by the strong social nest and civil society? How to keep the unshakable sense of dignity, integrity, and rule of law, after one day we shall get through the menacing darkness, once and for all? I believe this should be our number one unending search in such a dark time. 

Don't overestimate yourself, Trump. 

You haven't been a dictator long enough, lol

Making a decision

"I'm still in love with him. But right now, I'm not sure I would ever want to get back into that feeling anymore. He got super busy, or, most likely, he lost interest in playing with me, so we naturally exited the convo. I'm genuinely glad that it happened, because I'm still madly in love with him, even right at this moment, but finally, I get to cool off because we fell out of touch. This whole thing of being in love, is hard. I don't think it happens to people often; at least, it didn't happen to him in the same way it did to me. Well, it occurred to me a few times, each time in a very different way, I cherish them all with all my heart."

Clearing my mind while chatting with a girlfriend. 

I'm not sure if I've made a decision yet, or if I'm still undecided. Thinking about it makes me helpless. But precisely because of this, I sincerely do not wish to continue anymore. I no longer want to be in love. Just want some fun friends to hang out with casually, once in a while, or regularly. 

Being in love, I felt hopeless, especially when it was an unmatched feeling of intensity or sense of devotion; being in love, I felt restricted, I was not able to be truly furious or strong enough to protest, giving the current time, my heart turned into a marshmallow; being in love, I felt distracted, I need laser-sharp focus to advance in multiple fronts -- writing, work, health, exploration in life etc; being in love, I felt helpless, because I couldn't choose not to, I couldn't escape, and I couldn't stop. 

Women, right? 

I am glad that I'm actually shielded by the stiff social structure that was designed to prevent women's "infidelity" by punishment and abandonment, because I live under the wings of an open-minded and kind husband. 

Or, what if the societal structure was not designed by men with their uncontrollable tendency to possess and control, but by women with their innate nature to love? And under that framework, women are free to love whoever they want because there would be no fear of punishment or abandonment. Men would be 1000 times happier, too, I believe. 

I need a cool, calm mind to focus on my writing. I've been feeling good about myself lately because of the progress on weaving my novel, hence I should decide -- no more. 

Shhh...

Wanna know a secret?

Your men all love, love, love our airtight pu**s,

they tremble and tumble at the sight of it.

(men of all colors, actually)

From 3 to 10,

from 15 to 88.

(yes, there are 3s, 

especially common among your kind - obese)

If they told you they didn't,

they were absolutely lying to your face,

in broad daylight.

Or they were not lucky enough to try even once,

cause your kind does fall at the very bottom, very,

even ranked only by appearances.

(we're at the exact opposite tips of the weighing scale, no?)

Who wants anything to do with immobility, right?

No need to mention immobility physically as well as mentally.

And yeaha, we know our worth and value.

lol...

Awww, me!

 

Costa Rica fever

Somehow, the three of us being together really works! We laugh nonstop, and something always feels amusing when we're having a discussion. Ahh, both of the girls are absolutely gorgeous and brilliant, and so strong and independent too! I enjoy them booking everything and ordering everything like bosses, and I'm there tagging along, like a younger sister only for thrill and fun!

I think the highlight for me has to be when I got so high, I can't stop spilling about the imaginary world that we are entirely unfamiliar with. We as women, caged in this man-made world, have no imagination about what a different reality in a parallel universe could be like. I couldn't stop myself! I'd been super excited because both of them are very very intelligent women who truly understand different concepts, such as feminism, communism, colonialism, and polyamory etc, and have decided to be open and on the progressive side of things. I got especially turned on (well, not down there) when they responded to me with a counterargument or agreement on different points. I'd gone over their argument over and over, laying it out, looking for cracks and coming up with new arguments in my mind when we were quietly dancing to the music. 

I was so high, everything felt only 75% at speed for me; I'd been using my loudest voice so I could get my views received; I'd been repeating my points without knowing; I'd been elaborating some corner concepts to a degree that I might derail from my original track of thoughts. They'd been focused intensely for five minutes, then suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter because of how serious I was about all those imaginary things. The live Jazz was dull last night at Local Edition, and we were the only people who came forward to the dance floor. But we didn't dance, we just went there to laugh. 

Oh, how hard we were tripping. 

We were supposed to be in Costa Rica right now. They booked everything, Airbnb, SUV, and our flights too. However, Sangha doesn't have citizenship, and she doesn't want to risk being unable to return. "We would be sent to concentration camps right away when we land in Houston!" "Ya, because by then, we couldn't stop ourselves greeting 'Hola' to anybody that passes us after the beautiful trip. They'd scoop our assses up at the border and throw us inside the concentration camps! Texas? Oh damn, had to the receiving state when we intend to re-enter after Costa Rica..." "Never going to those states anymore, only concentration camps waiting for us lowborn nonwhites, lol..." We three couldn't stop shitting ourselves. 

We still need to go to Costa Rica, it has to be done. We'll wait for the water to be calmer, wait for the cheeto to face some more lawsuits and cut the fuck out a bit. Chill dude, chill, calm the fuck down, you organge fuck of expired soggy cheetos. Irritating piece of obsolete junk who spends tens of millions of taxpayers' hard-earned dollars on nonstop golfing and partying! A bunch of degenerate, filthy, saggy-boned men who have absolutely no control over their greed, ego, lust, and gluttony, hauling in dollars by insider trading, collution and corruption, while bankrupting the whole freaking nation on all fronts from education to social welfare, from environment to foreign relations. For this, I blame the self-brainwashed, immoral and racist rotten souls, each fucking one of them. Oh wait, guess they are being ruthlessly fucked up too. Karma. 

"I have absolutely no respect and no sympathy left for any cheeto supporters. If I know there's one I'm encountering, I would fuck myself out from their sight within a second. I have zero patience left for any of them. It's been fucking Nine years! How fucking retarded they could be??!!" "Naa, it's okay, it's a democracy, people had their reasons to vote for him." "Enough. Stop your patronizing bullshit on me at this moment. I am not preaching to anybody, I am not harming anybody, I only just want to quietly fuck myself off. Please don't interfere with what I feel like doing or not. Leave me be in peace, please." A typical conversation between Raj and me. 

Yup, at this moment, I just want to fuck myself off. Any place in my own mind is a thousand times better than the cheeto-contaminated reality. 

Wait, why I use so many "fuck" today? Got too many hot candies lately? Lol...

We three had fun no matter where, that's the most important, ha!

Rekindle

Raj and Leena both commanded me to wait for her to approach, but not to take the first moves. Yes, obviously, I was the one who got bullied. If Raj and Leena don't protect me, I will surely forgive and forget in no time, letting everything go and getting back to normal. And "normal" is not good for me. The kids are always there, and I always take care of them by preparing food for them and talking to them. What adults go through has nothing to do with kids. I still love them, just as I do my own kids. 

It's good that Raj and Leena helped me set boundaries, because they don't want me to get hurt again. Raj had never planned any trips together with them since. Usually, during those trips when we live together, whether camping or in an Airbnb, I do most of the chores, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of all four children. 

She never really approached me as such, but she had been pretty happy for the past year, had lost weight, dressed well, quit her old job, and found a much more flexible research position. She was extremely friendly to my mom and stayed home when I was not there, appreciating my mom's food several times. That was important to me. They also bought food and came for dinner with us sometimes. Meanwhile, I had never stepped into their house, mainly because it was filled with dogs' and cats' hair. Raj once got a severe allergic reaction. 

There is our old group WhatsApp chat, sometimes she writes updates there. I rarely respond with many words, often just using emoji reactions. This time, she replied to Raj's update on my hospital visit and sweetly wished me a solid and speedy recovery. I replied with things I learned about the gallbladder from my life experience. When they came to our house to see me, she brought a novel for me to read, which was "her favorite". All that could count as her direct approach to me, no? Ya, finally I can forgive and forget, lol. I gladly accepted the novel, and all of us, including Noah and Leena, chatted together for a while, gleefully. 

I actually took the time to read the novel. For sure, I am thrilled to have an old friend back. My heart softened right away. The book is a rom-com, with details about kinky sex. Sure, why not? It's not my type of book, but it was a good gesture, so I'd take it. It turned out that she has been immersed in this type of novel for the past year or so, having finished around 50, and she is now on her way to write her own. I'm truly happy for her!

Even when I was a teenager, I didn't gravitate towards this type of book. They are written by women and consumed by women, from teenagers to nursing home residents. But I understand how it works and can imagine what all it entails. 

After the first chapter of this novel, I'd guessed the detailed traits of the characters and what the ending might be. I asked her, "You guys into kinky sex now?" "Yes." No wonder they are much happier in their relationship, and that changed everything for her. Hence, I welcomed her with the world I am experiencing right now and offered to guide them if they ever want to take the fantasy from books into reality. It would be beneficial to have real-life experience if she wants to write about it, wouldn't it? 

Yes, I do trust her. We go a long way back, one of the longest. She is not a threat, no. I had been defending her for years, explaining to the others that she possesses decency and kindness, and that you can actually trust her, just as I had, for years. That trust has never been broken. Those who had broken the trust would never be allowed to come near my perimeter, no fucking absolute way. 

What went wrong? After I had read halfway through the novel, I regained some memories and was able to piece things together. This novel, her favorite, reveals exactly what she is made of, and that is what didn't resonate well with me, and with all of us, actually, over the years. Oh man, there were so many ups and downs, her against all of us. 

A rom-com, in the mainstream social construct, which has prevailed for the last few thousand years, even today, always involves one man and one woman. The man is dominant, the woman submissive, not necessarily in all aspects, but emotionally, for sure. The man also has to hold a higher social status, either born with a silver spoon or born a genius; hence, comfortable living is just a piece of cake, because in a typical patriarchal setting, a man without wealth and power is a man with absolutely no self-worth. Well, the man has to be tall and muscular too, typically above 6 feet, usually 6'3" to 6'5", with extremely handsome facial features that attract millions of females' attention, because male-centrism is the dominant feature of such a world. The woman also has to be extremely sexy, but her peculiar sexiness should only be regarded and cherished by the only one man instead of the entire world, because she at the end of the day, is the possession of the man, things shouldn't be too complicated for the man's convenience. White, white men only, the other colors are struggling to make ends meet, and only deserve to have some supporting roles thanks to thousands of years of European colonialism and its never-ending effect on the world. White or fairness is forever associated with prosperity, power and admirability, and vice versa, the cruel truth about the colonialism-ravaged world. The end game, ahh, the end game is always them falling in love, getting married, and having kids, exclusive monogamy style, the man for the woman and the woman for the man, nobody else matches these two individuals, and the man the master of the house, the women happily ever after, falling right under the patriarchal framework. 

The juicy stuff varies, but mostly also falls within the framework: the man being obsessive and possessive, and the woman enjoying such 24/7 surveillance-style care to the core, viewing it as a symbol of love, like the famous "Fifty Shades of Grey" series. 

I respect this genre; it exists for a reason, and it's beneficial for those who consume it. There's nothing to demean. I'm just saying that I know this stuff, but I'm not particularly attracted to it. I intend to at least finish this, her favorite, while shooting some discussions here and there; it's my return of a good gesture. Maybe will take a look at other "darker stuff" she wishes me to dive into too. Overall, it's fun. I don't really have time for porns, but porn in printed words, sure, why not! It's a pleasure indeed. 

Fundamentally, what doesn't vibe with me is the tendency towards self-absorption among those who are overly invested in such setups. Do I daydream of guys' obsession with me, to the degree that I would enjoy and appreciate them surveilling each of my moves and emotions by hacking? To hell, no! It happened to me when I was young; he mimicked the behavior from Japanese comics. But that was not the reason for me to fall in love; it was the courage of him standing up for me and the care he'd shown. Plus, we were teens. 

Someone might hack into someone's electronic devices and monitor their movements; it's absolutely possible. Does this turn me on? To hell, no! It's not that I feel violated or have lost my privacy. I don't even give a damn about that. You want to see my emails? My messages? My calendar? My medical records? Lol, be my guest! Just scroll through my social media, and you'll find a wealth of information about me. Or my online diary, lol! But, don't you have something better to do? Can't you reach out to me directly and have an open line of communication? My door is always open. 

I am not so self-absorbed that I take such high regard for myself: each of my movements, my emotions, my ups and downs are as ordinary as anybody's, just some daily junk that people have to go through. Nothing is so special about me that it deserves to take up someone's entire world. I also don't do idol worship. I have never found any celebrity, online or offline, worthy of my attention; a story to learn, sure, but not much beyond that. Essentially, we are all equal individuals embarking on a journey on this planet. But I keep an eye on men's ego and their potential to destroy our world and turn our life into shit. 

All of this is too childish for my taste. But again, nothing to demean, only a personal preference. 

The ups and downs she has put us all through over the years have something to do with this personal trait of hers: a slight, well, maybe not slight, Leena won't agree, tendency towards self-obsession. It is very well illustrated through her favorite novel. 

After all these years, I have built a robust network of people, friends and family who are capable of not giving too much shit about themselves, we are for each other and we are safe together. It's not easy to make it into my list. Also, I have walked past the trap of the current social construct of patriarchy bullshit, I have a long way ahead of me, reimagining a new world with safer and fairer rules, a world for my children and generations to come. 

And, I. don't. look. back. 

A good year

This year might very well turn out to be one of the best years. It started with a fabulous fortieth birthday of mine, then getting my American citizenship, then a little turbulence with the inauguration and the new administration, mainly a disturbance to our tranquility, and then Noah's film screening at the SF Indie Film Fest. Fast-forward to April: Lipi got pregnant after years of trying, and on the same day I underwent surgery to remove gallbladder, Noah got the AI research position with a project at UC Berkeley with which he could earn a living as well as enjoy the flexibility of making films, and next week Raj will also finally get his American citizenship. All significant milestones in life. 

I am only enduring, also cherishing, the last few days of abdominal pain that lasted for more than five years of my life. Four surgical knife cuts are an entirely different story from persistent pain that could jump out at any time with any intake of food or liquid. I lived my life in uncertainty and continuously deepened limitations, but I accepted my fate as it was, didn't fuss, didn't complain. I was as happy as always. Now suddenly the dark cloud looming above my head was blown away in one night, and I got to see the sunlight again! Have I ever imagined or expected this? No! I thought I would die with a plain diet, like rice and rice! I would still die happy btw. No expectations of what life brings you are the only way to lead a happy life!

7mm is huge! If a gallstone is more than 5mm, it will most likely be stuck in the duct. I guess when my 7mm was first out in the duct, it was at least 5mm. It has to have been stuck there for a long while by now -- years! Then the 2mm also took its time to come out in the duct, but got stuck behind the 7mm. Getting rid of my gallbladder was such an easy decision; all doctors and surgeons had already made up their minds the moment my latest ultrasound was out, I think. Nobody around me or in my entire extended family has ever done a gallbladder removal surgery, no woman ever approached me and warned me about it, and no doctor or specialist thought that it could be the reason for me, how could I know? How much pain I endured for years. But ya, no fear, never fear, that's just who I am.    

Since Friday, I've been gobbling whatever food was on the table, without hesitation. But after all of this, I've decided to stay healthy, I am going to entirely stay away from smoking and largely limit alcohol consumption. For smoking, I had my time last year, guess I needed that tiny window of freedom, with Sony, a girlfriend. But I am different, I hate the smell of cigarettes, and I was only indulging in the gesture. Now I'm mentally satisfied, I shut the box and walk away. Never physically needed cigarettes in my life ever, anyway. It's especially important for my daughter's sanity and healthy future; her eyes watch keenly, and her brain calculates shrewdly. I have to uphold the fortress for her, with so many menacing evils clawing below.  

Staying healthy also means eating a balanced diet, going to hot yoga, and always being physically active because protesting requires strength. I want to be able to stand in the sun or rain for hours and shout at the top of my lungs. I realized how loud and powerful my voice could be, literally. Both Leena and I are like that. We didn't need a speaker that day in front of Teslerr, but our voices could be heard from the beginning of the SF street to the end. When I exert force with my belly, my voice is full and wide, loud too, an excellent practice for singing. I want to be fit to do the shouting every Saturday: "One-way ticket for Elon to go to Mars!" "Shame on Elon the felon, the richest robbing the poorest!"

It's going to be a good year! 

Guide for Americans and Chinese

 

Hospital diary

Got 2 gallstones removed from my bile duct by ERCP procedure - one 7mm, one 2mm. Most likely the blockage of the duct was the cause of years of gastroenterology problems for me - acid reflux, heartburn, abdominal pain. Right after the removal of stones, my liver function improved and abdominal pain disappeared. Then yesterday I underwent a surgery that removed the gallbladder entirely, to prevent further complications caused by gallstones. Those stones could walk to different organs, such as the pancreas, and cause severe complications. 

During my 3-day stay in the hospital, I learned: 

1. 

Gallbladder is such a culprit for many people. All of my on-site doctors and surgeon told me the same story: people had pain somewhere - shoulder, chest, back, even went for shoulder replacement surgery, but only after removing gallbladder, the pain finally stopped. GI issues could be highly related to gallbladder, as in my case. Operation Room prep nurse told me every day there are multiple cases of gallbladder removal surgery in the hospital I'm staying and other hospitals she worked for was the same. People came from both(all) genders and all ages, young and old. 

Doctor told me the "4F theory" - Female, Forty+, Fertile (who had babies), Fat. It's a combination for gallbladder issue high probability, very common among people who fit multiple factors of the "4F". 

2. 

Raj is such a sweetheart. He insisted and forced me through this: booked multiple appointments with PCP, GI specialist, went with me to the early appointments; took me to ED when pain persisted; kept calling PCP and GI so they contacted the hospital during our 2nd trip to ED so I got a room as I walked in, did multiple tests right away hence was admitted into the hospital within hours. The thing is, even with multiple ultrasounds, nobody can tell what was really wrong, only after admission into the hospital I was given MRI test and the stone was confirmed. Raj believes in America you have to push through to get proper medical attention and treatments, seemed so true. 

I used to always blame my heartburn on him, but he's the one who juggled home, hospital and work to take care of children and me; constantly in conversations with all doctors, nurses and surgeon for clarity, questions and follow ups; washed my poopy underwear, wiped my butt, changed my gown, cleaned my bed and massaged my body; ordered and fed me food, made me urinate successfully, and cared for me when I was highly sedated and unresponsive for 14 hours after the gallbladder removal surgery. 

3. 

I owe my life to medical caregivers, all of us owe our lives to medical caregivers. They are the true angels walking on earth. Due to the number of tests and procedures I underwent in a short few days, I encountered at least 70, 80 different caregivers. All of them are genuinely sweet and gentle, very happy and open people too. They cared for me intensively, they sincerely answered all of our concerns, and of course, because of their esteemed expertise, I could finally get back my health, and that is everything to me - without health, there's no happiness and prosperity. 

I noticed in America, at least in California, the healthcare industry is built by immigrants; 95% of the nurses, doctors, and surgeons are first or second-generation immigrants. When I was in alert but not sedated mode, I loved to chat with all of them. "Where you originally from? What's the stories back in your home country?" My curiosity always put a wide smile and laughters on their faces as they told me the stories of their lives. I also never missed a chance to show my deepest gratitude to all of them, even when I was in the long after-effect of general anesthesia. 

When I was lying on the operating table in the completely lit operation theater that's filled with machines, arms and scary giant lights. I told the doctors and nurses who were prepping me, "I've never done this before (body being cut open)". Then two men, one my anesthesia doctor, one Operation Room nurse came into my sight, looked into my eyes and assured me: "Don't worry, we will be here the entire time for you! I'm going to watch each of your breath/ heartbeat!" I replied a relaxed "Thank you so much" then passed out (for the next 14 hours). 

4. 

Women can tolerate a lot of pain. We started experiencing regular menstrual pain at 10, 12 years old; women's pleasure from penetrating intercourse is always mixed with pain; and we are conditioned by a male-dominated society to keep the pain to ourselves and not complain. In this patriarchal world, the majority of medical resources are used to study men's bodies and men's diseases; there is, by nature, way less awareness and resources on women's health. Therefore, more women are suffering in silence, we are used to popping painkillers, and ignoring and wishing away the pain, and often minor pain eventually develops into incurable diseases. 

Even though I am a single child growing up, China is a highly patriarchal society, self-sacrifice is "one of the good traits of a good girl/woman", I am also used to suffering physical pain in silence, and wish not to bring upon too much attention by complaining, especially after I became a mother. Thus, you can imagine how I suffered years of GI problems with my gallstone being 7mm big, stuck in my duct. Luckily, the stones were in my duct but not in other organs, which could cause severe complications, even cancer. 

Right before I went to ED for the second time, it was a Wednesday morning, and I taught my TK kids musical storytime for one hour, in severe pain. Merely 24 hours after my gallbladder removal surgery, I was almost off painkillers, but only 200mg Ibruprofen for whenever I needed, once or twice a day tops.

Is it right? How to change this problem? This is my question to you. 

5. 

Men who are calm, gentle, and soft are the most attractive to me. I've been realizing this factor about myself for a while now. This time my main nurse who took care of me for three days straight is a man like this. He is from Guangdong, China, when there was nobody around, we chatted in Mandarin. He is calm, soft spoken, very gentle with his hands and movements, and gave me a lot of additional information and reminders, which made me understand the reasons behind and be aware of certain medical choices. 

He always walked in very quiet steps, knocked, opened and closed the door lightly; he would never turn on the light coming into my room, he worked with whatever light was originally in the room; he would take his time explaining his next moves on me, either listening my chest or checking my feet; he would discuss with me in advance what are the options for different types of painkillers, anti-nausea meds and food/liquid. 

Overall, I'm having a great stay during this hospital trip!

At ED pondering death and how beautiful life is

Ended up in ED last night. In retrospect, I believe the culprit for this round of severe stomach attacks was alcohol. Told myself to stay away from alcohol, but on the cruise ship, my husband was having so much fun with my body, lusting after it like a drooling Labrador, that he encouraged me to consume alcohol again. 3 days later, I could not stand, sit, or sleep. 

I was crying the whole time in the waiting room, for one and a half hours, which is comparably short, people must be thinking what a crying wife who's good at moaning. 

Kids got a little scared of my condition before we went off to the ED. They thought I was going to die. Once in a while, this kind of scare is healthy for their systems. Otherwise, they are always living in the sunshine and flowers, losing touch with the real world's cruelty. 

I didn't think I was going to die, but I was pondering death, lying down in the ED hall. 

I think I was ready to go a long time ago. Never really worried about anything, never afraid, never bent, because, ya, I have always been ready to leave, leave everything and everybody behind. Where did this melancholy come from? I have no idea, it's been with me since I have memory. The trauma of growing up under an authoritarian regime? Symptom of systemic oppression and suppression? Most probably. 

But can I really leave everybody behind? No, I can't -- not until my kids grow up, not until my parents are gone. I can't let my kids go through the trauma of losing their mom before they are formed solidly, and I can't let my gray-haired parents burn my young flesh and bones. 

I will fight my last tooth and nail to be here, accompanying my children through teenage years, college, adulthood, relationships, careers, motherhood/fatherhood, and more, just like my parents and Raj's parents are doing to us. Without the two sets of grandparents, Raj and I would have no stability and happiness, as we struggle to raise two kids alone. 

But I am not here because I have to or am forced to, I realized I genuinely love being here, and love all the people around me. As for the past few years I gradually built my own life outside the little nuclear nest, I have made many new friends and am enjoying all the moments with them. 

At 2 a.m., in the fully lit hallway of the ED, as I was waiting to receive an ultrasound examination, tears fell uncontrollably, wetting my temples. I love my life here. I love it. I love everybody here. I only have brimming love for all but hold no grudge or hatred toward no one, not even the evilest politicians. Yes, I fight against them, I detest their existence in politics, but I don't hate them personally; they don't reside in the same universe as me, if you know what I mean. 

I always join a group of people's gathering with positive energy; all I receive at the end is positive energy. I don't assume, assume why or why not what others do and think; I don't expect - expect what others would do for me based on my own experience and interests is selfish and unkind; I don't judge, people deserve to walk their own paths in their own styles, our lines don't need to cross, our lights could shine together in the vast universe. Then how could you not love everything happening under the sparkling sun and everyone trying their best to live a meaningful life? I am just an observer, a passerby, no? I am your, his, her, and their cheerleader. 

Also, at 1 a.m., a new friend was chatting with me. He crossed the border to come to America - landed in Guatemala, took the trains and buses, paid bribes to local gangs, waded through the rainforests, and swam the rivers. During Biden's time, he acquired legal status, a rare window for desperate immigrants like him. And yes, we are forming a band! Li was a guitar teacher back in China. But he was a lonely freedom fighter, so he chose to leave in the way that suited him the most. We aim to practice a series of songs banned by the CCP that praise freedom and citizens' rights. We will sing out loud what the Chinese could not. I told Li, "I got a US passport this year, so I can openly use my face and voice in the band." Li replied that he had decided never to return to China, so he was not afraid either. I will be the singer, keyboardist, and bassist. Li hurt his right ring finger, so he switched his hands to the guitar. It will take a while of practice to reach whatever he was capable of, but in the video, he shows excellent musical talent on guitar and vocals. We are going to have fun! 

To new friendship!

In this uncertainty

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Back from cruise!

Mother / daughter fucker gone mad. In two days, some friends lost a couple of million, most of us hundreds of thousands. Everybody is cursing in different chat groups. But for us, the damage was expected on the day of the election itself, at least from me. 

Losing in the stock market is the least life-threatening loss. I have nothing to complain about. 

Inflation and whatnot, which are coming soon, will affect most of everyday American life. The consequences of who they voted for are coming. 

All I can do is keep my side of the resistance strong. April 5th in the street!

The cruise was super fun! Basically, I was either sea sick or high or both. 5 mg felt like at least 15 in a rocking ship at the windy sea! I still prefer to roam around in a different country or city, exploring the museums, ruins, and old streets, talking to people in their broken English. But yeah, the cruise was super fun, crew members were from all over the world, and the quality of the shows and entertainment was top-notch. My parents also want to take us cruising someday.