Sunday, March 2, 2014


Creation of life is a miracle, funny thing is, for a lot of people in this world, gender is more important than life.

"Did you ask your doctor the baby's sex?" "When can you tell the gender of the baby?" "Did you see the penis in ultrasound?" "Ahh, it's ok, you can have a lot of kids anyways. Hihi, then you will be a (worthless) housewife."

My mother started to ask such questions following the confirmation of my pregnancy, around three weeks after conception.

I was for some time feeling annoyed, didn't want to communicate with her, therefore didn't get to know what symptoms she had in her early pregnancy. Usually mother and daughter share the similar symptoms.

When I was young, my mother often cried in front of me, asserting that "it's too difficult to be a woman", next life she wanted to be born as a man, even this life, how much she wished she was a man.

When I made mistakes, she sometimes shouted at me, "girls are useless, how much I wished I had given birth to a boy".

Thus almost half of my childhood, I was praying that I would suddenly wake up in the morning to find my penis.

I was raised up like a boy indeed, never had long hair, never had a doll, seldom wore skirts, discouraged to act like a girl but encouraged to act like a boy, the way of walking, talking, eating, even cursing. I naturally felt that girls were dump and disgusting, just like how the other boys felt about their opposite sex.

So what do I want for myself? A boy or a girl?

This is the most frequent question I received for the past two months, within the first three questions during the conversation, definitely there is one concerning the gender.

To be honest, I want a boy.

I want the best for my kid, the easiest way out, being a boy.

As a boy, I wouldn't worry if he would be sexually assaulted by one of the "nice" uncles at home when he is nine years old, I wouldn't worry if he would be knocked up by his teenage first love, I wouldn't worry if he chooses to elope with his lover and settle in some far away foreign country.

As a man, he can easily dream about being a world leader, a powerful politician, a football superstar, a world-famous writer, a courageous journalist, a successful entrepreneur, a business tycoon. The doors are wide open for him, the other side of the doors are filled with 99% men, he just need to work hard to become one of them.

If I am having a daughter, I wouldn't want to impose high hopes to her, no world leader, no politician, no industrial tycoon, she can study whatever she feels like, she doesn't need to be outstanding because it will require a lot of sacrifice, most of the time, her rights to happiness.

I only want her to be honest, simple, humble, confident and compassionate, in that way she can receive the maximum amount of happiness. I also wish her has her father's facial features and my skin, because under normal circumstance, being pretty can make her life much easier.

What about being influential and helpful to the society? I think as a woman, as long as she finds her inner strength, she has high self-esteem, that is good enough to lead an example.

I will also secretly save up some money for her, if she wants to travel around the world, I want her to travel in comfort, booking decent hotels and transportation so to avoid harassment and trouble; if she unfortunately experiences severe sexual attack, I want to be able to fight for her, paying up legal fees, psychological consult etc; if her boss fires her because of pregnancy, I want her to have some backup.

If I really want a baby girl, maybe it means I am selfish, I want a child who can understand me, who is sweet and tender, who will cry with me, who knows how to love and care for me, who will always be there for me.

I made a deal with my husband, "in our next circle of life, you will be the wife who carries out the pregnancy."

I experienced almost all symptoms possible for early pregnancy:

  • sever headache - due to sudden surge of multiple hormones, headache from the beginning 
  • lost of appetite - bitterness in mouth, everything tastes differently, all food seem disgusting, can't even talk about it
  • huge amount of gas and acid - burping every 30 seconds, also experience heartburn and bloating 
  • nausea and vomiting - even a thought of food or smell can trigger it, anytime, anywhere
  • hyper senses - sensitive to any smell especially cooking smell, phobia of odor is even developed
  • hyper emotions - crying on dreams, songs, movies, even some imaginary thoughts 
  • frequent urination - frequent stops in highway, always looking for toilet
  • constipation - some mornings I find blood in stools
  • fatigue - can't focus on doing one thing for more than an hour
  • failing eyesight - sometimes my eyes feel blurry all of sudden 
  • starving - every night 12am, every morning 5am, I wake up in unbearable hunger

It's only been two months, but felt like years. Everyday I am counting, wishing the symptoms could ease down. Most of the days, I couldn't even get up from bed, lying there, waiting to feel hungry, force myself to eat something, then go back to hibernation.

Getting out of room is the toughest thing, when the door opens, cooking smell trapped in corridor could knock me out badly, flip over my stomach so I throw up everything in there, even the last bit of bitter acid.

Having children of their own is usually a couple's decision, but only the woman knows how hard it is, physically and mentally.

Because I have experienced discrimination, sexual harassment, now pregnancy myself, I know being a woman is difficult and would want to avoid to be one. But if I am blessed with a baby girl, I couldn't be more happier.

That's why I am always wondering, those mothers and fathers who intentionally kill their female fetuses, this action is the result of their love to the free-from-suffering unborn girls, or the hatred to the entire gender?

And I think either it's cowardice or hatred,  because of it, our world for women is not getting better.

#save female fetuses

#stop female foeticide

Related post: Life

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