2021-8-3

The second day of my babies' camp, hanging out by myself in a cafe, not much to be done, gonna indulge myself one day more then...

In the 20s, if it's true that guys are mainly running after sex, I seldom know girls who are ever only thinking about the sex part, unlike the women in their 30s and 40s. For 20 something little dolls, it's always about feelings and emotions, fantasies and imaginary characteristics. They are not equipped to separate mental and physical experiences like men, their brains are just wired that way. 

But when we were in our 20s, "we" means we, some of my old friends, like my sis-in-law for example, oftentimes some hours into our midnight chat, we would reach a consensus - "oh man, at that place and that period of time, if today any of our men saw how wild and crazy we were, how we danced on the table in tiny skirts, no one would ever think to make us into a partner, wouldn't even feel interested...." "yaa... but that's why people say 'the right time and the right place' no?" "yaa....."

I consider my actions have always been the result of choices, no matter how might I feel due to the structure of my brain. Before everything happened, my criteria stood from "should be The One", dropped to "has to be love", then dropped to "as long as we kind of like each other and has no physical repulsion". Still, I was a joking topic on the dining table among my friends and their friends of friends. They just couldn't believe I had never had it. It was legendary, even their parents got to know and laughed about it. What can I say, the French are rarely conservatives like the Americans when it comes to sex and pleasure. 

"Come sit on my lap my baby doll!" "You sure you don't want my help? or his?" Well, if I need any help, I wouldn't ask for the ones who we every day sit around with drinks and joke about this right? Plus who said women ever need any help on this? All they need to do is smile under the moonlight. 

So now the criteria changed to "no.1, no married men, under all circumstances, absolutely no exceptions, girlfriend is ok, not my problem", "condom all the time, no exchange of body fluid, for health concerns", "no games and any sort of emotional entanglement, straight forward and open, from beginning to end, business means business" etc. 

Even up to today, when I have two one-day-going-to-be-teenagers to worry about, I still think experience is crucial because experience brings about comparison, especially for girls. Well, actually for both girls and boys. 

Without experience, how would you think over coffee, is this normal or kind of freakish? The way he kept asking "Am I big? I am big right? You hurt right? You like my baby in there?" Some even went ahead listing measurements in cm, 3d, and eventually were awed by their own grandness. That image of a man standing tall against the sky, like a giant god, proudly holding his beloved, proclaiming to be unmatchable, stuck in my mind. 

Raj just happened like that. Like almost all of the good geeky boys from India and America, they had no clue what they were doing, while the girls already went through storms and floods. Story of almost all of happy couples that are close to us today. You would think movies represent reality, but naa, not even close.

The first time, he couldn't find it. "oh, you also don't know how to... I.. me.. I don't know... maybe..."  Instantly pulled back my hand that intended to help: "ya..I'm sorry, I know there is a gate down there, but I never walked through it..." How did he get to that conclusion? My face? Anyways, seems like a sweet boy, we can just hug and sleep like this for a week. Sex is not that important, right? No? Anyways, just a week. 

Then he found it and never left that gate for weeks. I was not able to sit or walk for the first 10 days. If this experience was before the godly encounters, I would tell them on their faces. You wouldn't need a ruler to know, no? The sweetest thing is, I have never seen even one time, the obsession with his grandness. Never a single "am I big" moment or rulers found in the shower. This gave me a throughout definition of decency in men.  

And he has been obsessed with each of my body parts, starting from feet, to ankle, to you name it, every few months or years, it has been something. Currently, he is hooking to my ass like a monkey hanging to the tree, with tenderness and decency obviously. I don't think many women in this world are this lucky. And he has never stopped trying, all kinds of different stuff, tirelessly, for me to reach the stars.

When the contraction started 3 days before my son's delivery, that night I was sitting by myself in the living room, counting and recording, giving the family some chance to sleep. 10 minutes, 8 minutes, 6 minutes... in the pain, I heard a woman's blasting and lengthy moaning, way louder than the scream in my head. What is this? I am the one who's supposed to give birth alright?? We used to live in an apartment in Berkeley, you can easily hear such things from other apartments nearby. 

I didn't understand that kind of intensity by then, because I was still in my 20s. But how magically women's bodies can change, pure wonder. Now we have to close all the windows, and me screaming into a pillow, so our neighbors wouldn't be woken up. 

He would always hold my face in affection and admiration: "Women are, I mean is, so beautiful, you are so much more intense with emotions, when you soar, your wings also are so much stronger than men's."   

I often discuss with my sis-in-law, if we could choose before life, do we want to be a woman or man? Considering the rare luckiness both of us have met, the answer to this question has always been yes. 

My only wish? More women in this world can answer this question with a yes.