Last picture of Bilibili

Stopped using Bilibili after the incident in early 2021. Deleted most of the videos there, it was just a place for nasty Chinese to shit. Haven't logged in for almost a year or so, just realized today that my account was finally deleted by Bilibili. Around Jan 2022, the last DMs were sent around that time. From 2021 to 2022, that account has been receiving DMs nonstop lol....  

It was the only platform they missed during the initial purging: Sina Microblog, Sina Blog, Wechat, Little Red Book, Tiktok, Xigua, Douban, Tudou video, Tencent video, Youku video, Tianya forum, Baidu forum, all gone, in a few nights... I guess Bilibili always felt themselves to be nasty enough to let my account be, so the users there had a place to shit. They have been shitting on me for years actually, never existed a time that Bilibili was open and not evil. The users gathered there have always been racist, misogynist, ignorant and vicious.

Here are some of the long DMs between 2021 and 2022, keep them up as the last memory of that stupid account. More than 95% of DMs just one line, cursing me of death, gang rape, and all kinds of brutality. Out of the thousands of DMs, only less than 10 used English lol...

Daydream [Roe v. Wade No.7]

I thought I fled authoritarianism, propaganda, and brainwashing;

I thought I landed in a place that protects religious freedom and individual rights;

I thought I gave my children, especially my daughter a more equal and brighter future so she doesn't need to grow up to be unfairly judged based on her gender and skin color;

and I thought she could soar in a land of opportunities and maybe one day she could achieve what most women before her couldn't. 

With now one of the women's fundamental rights being taken down, I don't know what more would be taken away. 

From her and from my son, non-white, non-Christian, sexual orientation is not yet defined. 

And the dream of my children having better opportunities and environment? 

Will it turn into merely a daydream eventually?

These hypocrites make me puke

 The reason I'm with this man for life ❤

Suffocation [Roe v. Wade No.6]

I don't know if this is normal, but it's getting so weird for me. 

Never intended to pick a place for my children from the medieval dark age, but that vibe keeps popping up on my face more and more invasively.

Was it always like this or I just never noticed? Bumper stickers, billboards, random signs on someone's lawn "God this" "God that" "He this" "He that". Churches now hang up way bigger and imposing words with celebration: "God saves America".

Suffocates me. 

This whole thing changed my tolerance level.

Why people so entitled? 

God? To me, your god now associates with white supremacy, women's oppression, minority exclusion, and all that. 

I know, it's supposed to be ginormous progress compared to evil colonization, cruel exploitation, and blood & brain-sucking, on people with darker skin, on cultures that were different, on foreign lands that were peaceful and fertile. 

At this point I realized, I could not feel genuine tolerance and acceptance. I could not see open minds and open hearts. 

No matter how much progress people under god might make, huge risk of regress. 

Because monotheism is a cage for free spirit. And only free spirit brings upon openheartedness.

Maybe that's not the intention of your god. 

Of course, that's not the intention of your god! 

Your god would be covering his face with mortification: "This is not what I wanted to teach you people!!!"

"I was assigned to you by accident! My colleagues are having a party at this moment, I am only supposed to hold up your sad asses' misery for a short time before they return!"  

I can only face your god with tranquility in my heart when he is naked, humble, kind, and embracing. Humane and naturally flawed like all of the goddesses and gods who had resided inside of me. 

Through your lenses, your god suffocates me. 

With all that said, I remain forever an underdog trying to break free. 

Therefore I told my husband, "Let's get the fuck outta here all winter holidays!"

So he's buying tickets for this winter. Whenever school is done, we are out af.

Roam around like aimless travelers, go about like rootless Gypsies.

Only so, my heart can escape agony and disillusionment. 

Disappointment [Roe v. Wade No.5]

Yes Raj was angry from day one when the draft was leaked. "Are you angry because you love the women in your life?" "Ya, partly. However, it's also common sense, no?" 

But Raj had always been hopeful. He truly thinks this will pass, and things will stop regressing but continue to progress. In fact, "it could be a good thing because in the wake of extremism of a far-right supreme court, people will start to push back. And you need to fight, go vote, well, in 2025 when you get the citizenship."

For me? I just can't. After many rounds of discussions, we indeed started looking for other options. 

I know, this specific law doesn't affect us at all. I will never get pregnant again and even if we need to, we can fly anywhere in the world. We will also make sure our children stay safe by educating them and keeping an open discussion. 

But the disappointment, the hope that is slowly dimed away. 

I know, I know it has always been a struggle, slavery, color discrimination, class discrimination, gender inequality, immigrant persecution, you name it. I know after push and pull, things move forward, I know in the long run, minorities do rise up and realize their rights. The struggle? It's the beauty of a true republic. 

The question is, do I want to risk being in the downfall if I have the means to be in a better place, for the sake of my children? 

I guess when the draft was leaked, a lot of us still held that small bit of doubt and hope. Now things are crystal clear, reality sinks in, people with capabilities, people who used to be global citizens, people who are not identified as majority in a society minority could potentially be persecuted or at least discriminated/ troubled, would start to look around and figure out. 

It happened before, it might happen again. 

Escaped from one of the biggest cults, I detest any form of authoritarianism, even just the smell of it from 5 km away. Religion, as long as it starts to dictate right vs wrong and strip away my own independent thinking and feelings, for me, they are all cults. Cults that are easily controlled or used by people, people who are as filthy as any old men now and before who ruled over others with absolute power. Most of them fell for greed and lust. 

I know, this is the ultimate curse of us humans who reside in the physical forms. And we are supposed to be stuck in the infinite cycle of ups and downs, rises and falls. Until the final destruction. 

But that flood of disappointment, I wish I could control it by reasoning, but I can't. 

Because I am a woman. I have lived my life through day-to-day sexual harassment, each uninvited touch was a reminder of our inferiority; I have to be regularly thrown under a bus and crushed by wheels, because of the change of hormones that dictates how I can feel and breathe; I have to sacrifice my body and all of my glory and aspiration so to bring other lives into the world and raise them up good, and for the exact reason, I am treated as unworthy, nonessential, secondary, not important, you name it. 

Is there any matter in this world more unfair?    

I had thought America could give me that protection and justice I longed for since the first time my childish pussy was grabbed at 8 years old. But I had been mistaken, for all this time. 

Can I bear to be in a place where I am constantly reminded as being one of the inferior, weak and stupid halves who don't deserve the same fundamental rights and freedom as the stronger, smarter and more beautiful halves? 

This question to me is yet to be answered.