My Popo

My grandma is passing. Her organs have been failing for a few days, I've been begging my parents to let her go now. I didn't go back to China last summer when I went to India, in fear of the totalitarian regime. But I know my grandma would understand me, she always understands and supports me. 

Today I went to a Buddhist temple to speak to my grandma, I kissed her on her forehead, I hugged her, I told her a million times thank you. 

Thank you Popo for being such a strong woman who raised us all up. Thank you Popo for never yielding to all the hardships in life: unrest and uprooting throughout childhood due to wars; working in hard labor factories digging and carrying stones when she was young; four children, poverty and malnourishment during big famine and Culture Revolution. 

Thank you Popo for adoring me the most, shielding me from unreasonable social pressures towards a girl, "Who said my Momo is ugly? She will grow up to be a beautiful woman!" (I had a huge forehead sticking out as a child). 

Thank you Popo for leading me to spirituality: to pray for my health, my non-religious Popo started taking me to local temples and learning to pray for my wellbeing; she heard about Seven Goddess Mothers (originated from India, I just learned the fact last summer) so she made me the Goddess-daughter of them and took me to temples each year during their birthdays and asked them to protect me. 

Thank you Popo for respecting all of my choices in life, even though it meant leaving you. She was the first one among all of my family members to say Yes to my marriage to Raj: "As long as the guy is kind and she is happy!" 

I knew for a long time that this moment would come one day, and I'm not regretting the choices I made, for choosing the free side and fighting for what I value as more important than life. 

I know time and space won't matter in the end, people will be reunited. And I know no matter what, my grandma will be able to hear me, see me, and understand me. 

As I was kneeling in front of Goddesses and Gods, my grandma's image, her voice that was calling me, my memories of her from the first day to now were flooding my mind and creating a passage for me and her. 

I was able to touch her, kiss her, hug her and I was able to whisper in her ears: 

Grandma, thank you for being there for me all these years. Thank you for being so strong and raising me up to be strong too. 

Grandma, don't be afraid, I will always be here with you, holding your hands, I will protect you. 

You can go now my dearest grandma, go peacefully, into peace and rest. 

Don't be afraid, I'm here with you.