The primary group

Of course, it left some marks on me. I'm now genuinely scared. I'm scared to feel too much, and I sometimes find that I force myself to turn my head away. I wasn't much more open about my feelings before this; I'm used to hiding behind glass masks. This world is built on cruel ground; you learn to harden along the way.

Then I guess I was indeed hurt. I'd pretend I wasn't. I pretended it was nothing, or that it was supposed to be like this. But the feeling of wanting something or someone in such a pure, earnest, and powerless way, but not being wanted back with the same intensity - no, far from it - is extremely painful. It was as real as it could get for me. As a consequence, I now subconsciously force myself not to lose my guard or let go.

I can't. I'm scared. I won't. I don't want to allow myself to feel too much anymore. Even if I were to get lost in the sudden bombs of intimacy and its aftermath, I wish to pull myself away as soon as the option becomes possible to me. I don't feel safe to expand my tentacles of feelings and grant my trust to people so easily anymore.

I am so vulnerable.

Lost in the steel and concrete structures, where most people choose to shield themselves so they won't need to feel, I am out of place.

Then I suddenly got my group of friends. My girl crush is most probably going to go through a breakup soon. Teacher Li went through a pretty bad heartbreak half a year ago. I told them we should have made this "breakup/heartbreak help plan" a long time ago because I "fell in love with a playmate" last eight or nine months, and without you guys being there for me, I was often crying myself to sleep. Aren't we Chinese too soft and too ready to fall in love or be in relationships??? 

Now we've established the "breakup/heartbreak help plan" in our group: whenever one of us is going through something like that, we make sure to take them out for food, have a ride in the Miata, sing on the beach, and enjoy karaoke together. Crying or getting drunk by oneself is dangerous and unhealthy; we will cry and laugh together.

And we just realized my 14-year best friend Sandra and my girl crush are both Miata fans. I sent Sandra photos of the friends who are coming to Sunday dinner, and she immediately recognized that my girl crush has a Miata. I had no idea. These two Chinese Miata fans must be the rarest creatures in the Miata community, and I am so glad that they found each other through me. I expect hours of nonstop Miata talks between the two.

Just like that, my heart felt full.

I'm still scared, and I still suppress most of my feelings and emotions so as not to get hurt, but laughing at the jokes we crack throughout the day makes my heart full. More than that, knowing I now have a group of friends I can talk freely with about everything and anything, and who care for me as intensely as I care for them, makes my heart truly full.

It makes me strong.

They make me strong.

Girl Crush

I met her at the event commemorating June 4th. I was singing with "Teacher Li." She came forward to talk to me afterwards. I was wearing a mask; she didn't. Oh my gosh, she was so handsome. Her hair was dyed yellow, and she had an attractive face with sharp yet soft features. My heart jumped a little, and I was thinking in my mind, "I could totally kiss this girl and go down on her." That was the first time ever that I felt this way for a woman. I had had sex with dozens of women by then. Women had kissed me, eaten me out, even fucked me with a strapon. I had kissed women on their lips, chests, and caressed all over their bodies, but had not yet progressed into eating them out.

Therefore, after I met my girl crush, I officially announced myself as "bi." I updated my bio on social media mainly for her to see, hoping that she liked girls too.

As a small aside, the night I met my girl crush was the same night I played with "my guy." I rushed to the Oakland hotel after my little music performance in SF. For the next few months, I was thrown off my track because of being "in love" with "my guy," not knowing that it was probably the last time I would ever see him, no matter how much I wanted him to be in my life. What I didn't realize was that a different person - who would become important in my life in a much more profound and impactful way - appeared on the same night.

My girl crush wanted to join us to form a band. Since then, she, Teacher Li, Ginger, and two or three other girls have been practicing music, irregularly, in my house. Our band group chat on Signal has always been active, as we try to find ways to meet each other. One day, I started talking about sexual liberty. Then one thing led to another: Khajuraho, religious suppression, feminism, patriarchy, and lifestyle. I was feeling very passionate about it and sharing it all with my Chinese bandmates. We talked about how and why people in the Bay Area were so open about sexuality, and my girl crush let us know she was a part of the same community. She then separately sent me messages telling me she was gender queer and poly. She goes to ABCD (all but cis dudes) sex parties. I told her I wanted to go with her one day.

I think by then our liking for each other was pretty obvious. We always look at each other deep in the eyes and smile sweetly. She was always willing to talk to me and be open. I felt very comfortable with her. Although I totally suck at flirting, I tried my best to express my feelings and emotions in the group chat, making sure I "heart" her content all the time and replied to her messages with diligence and care.

On Monday night, we met at Ginger's house. The moment my girl crush arrived there, she announced to us all that she had just gotten a piercing on her clitoris. Later, she also opened up to me about the tough situation she and her partner were facing. She used to be poly - still poly at the core - but now only has this one partner. The problem is that the partner gets jealous and is not willing to grant freedom to her while she enjoys all the freedom. I have been following up with my girl crush, offering encouragement to sort out equality and mutual respect in the relationship, because that's the only way any relationship could last.

Oh, Monday night, we had so much laughter that my stomach was literally cramping and in pain. The three feminists were trying to explain feminism and patriarchy to "Teacher Li," who still believes in "love at first sight," "true love," and the bullshit idea that "men should protect women because men are stronger, women are weaker." "Teacher Li" thought the clitoris piercing was a new birth control method, and he had no idea how to make women cum!

So now, we are looking forward to: first, more regular band practices and performances; second, my joining my girl crush in one of the ABCD sex parties, after she sorts out the relationship with her partner, most probably I would finally get to kiss her, and go down on her, getting my first "eating out" experience, with a beautiful pussy in piercing; and third, but most excitingly, some of us want to find a time to cram into her tiny cool car and ride off in the wild!

A new chapter

It may have been worth my time and emotions, or maybe not. Whatever happened, I have no regrets, and I don't look back. Perhaps it was something I had to go through - some unfinished business with my first love. Whatever it was, that chapter has now closed.

Finally, I am entering a new one.

In this new chapter, I'm determined to live a life free of the curse of binary doctrine that the churches, kingdoms, regimes, and male dictators have set up and imposed on us for thousands of years. In this new chapter, I'm redefining love and relationships for myself and searching for them, following my innate feminine calling.

Love, profound connections, and even romantic relationships exist everywhere you encounter human beings. In its most prominent form, it is friendship. What do Raj and I have? I think the most precise definition is friendship, especially since sexuality is no longer a restricted practice we preserve only for ourselves. Yes, at the core of the relationship between Raj and me is friendship.

Most likely, within my lifetime, I won't be able to build something as grand, deep, and solid with anyone other than Raj, simply because of the limitations on energy and time we face. But each connection and relationship can have its own jewels, and I am open to that. I'm open to countless friendships with people I collect along the way.

The people should freely fall somewhere, anywhere, on the spectrum regarding their sexual, political, and philosophical identities, and our friendships should as well. Everything is a spectrum - nature, and the beings that reside in nature should all be fluid. My mind is not going to be restricted and limited by the binary imagination anymore.

What's binary? Men vs. women, masculine power vs. anti-masculine power. While men are the masters of the social structure they constructed, all the other things and beings, including women, are possessions of men. Only by possessing women can men ensure the reproduction process is controlled, allowing them to retain property and material wealth through their own bloodline.

Since when have humans become such pathetic beings? Degradingly pathetic.

But I also openly let Raj know that, as I enter this new chapter, I look forward to establishing relationships on my own terms and exploring my innate feminine powers in my own way. You are welcome to accept me and join me, but if you can't move along with me - out of the old, stale binary world into the world of spectrums and love - I am afraid that one day I won't be able to find my connection to you back in there.

And of course, Raj has already been waving his thongs on a pole stick, having his giant dark cock out, rooting down somewhere middle in the arched rainbow, waiting for me.

Bird

not able to fix my forms

struggling to escape the storms

thrown in constant transforms

always find myself in tiny new swarms

reality is a thunderstorm

we all are alone on the center platform

try my best to not conform

all I long for is be kept warm

donnaxtine · I'm Like a Bird - Nelly Furtado (Cover)

A message to the team

We had a fabulous night experiencing rope and BDSM kink in a workshop format! I really enjoyed being tied up; the process is utterly sensual to me. Raj was instantly turned on by learning to tie me up and by exhibiting that he was capable of this skill and could be creative too; seeing my partner being turned on while working on me also turned me on. Later on, I suddenly recalled that when I was much younger, I was sometimes fascinated and aroused by the thought of being tied up in Shibari style, or the thought of BDSM, but I never had the time or opportunity to explore. Life then got really busy with kids. Also, I enjoyed the process last night because I had two guys working on me together; I was comfortably supported and cared for while being slowly restrained. (I believe that, in Japan, when high-class individuals engaged in rope play, they often had assistance.) We ended up having a threesome with me restrained. I think Raj and I have finally reached a point where we are mature enough to understand and delve deeper into this art, using it to add much more pleasure and excitement to our journey.

Let me tell Tomás the story of our recent Vegas trip. We started microdosing before we even arrived, and we basically tripped for 48 hours nonstop. We had a five-person orgy the first night. Side story: from Feeld we got this gorgeous couple in their late 50s and a young single guy to join us in our hotel room. The woman was so intelligent and experienced, very open and kind to include me and teach me too. I had a great time partnering with, pleasuring, learning from, and exchanging thoughts with her. The two guys, although they claimed to be in the lifestyle for years, were not used to group play or an MFM threesome and they were so nervous. Luckily, Raj took up the challenge and made up for the other guys; he made the woman very happy. In fact, the guys continuously worked on me and kept me warm. Even though they were too shocked to perform, they continuously showed their sincere amazement and appreciation for me, which was quite enjoyable too. I think local Vegas people are way less wild than people in the Bay Area. While for us, sex is as natural as dining out with friends, we are used to all kinds of situations. After 4-5 hours of play in the room, we also sat with the couple in the bar downstairs and chatted with them for hours. Raj and I were tripping so hard, we were sharing some of our crazy stories and laughing nonstop; the couple also tripped with us because of how much we were giggling.

During the 48 hours of tripping in Vegas, we had great sex - with ourselves and with new people. We visited many bars, enjoyed a concert at the beach club, danced a lot in the nightclub, went to multiple sex clubs throughout the day, and enjoyed nudity and sex in the open. Side story: In one of the sex clubs, there were separate rooms with closed doors for couples to have sex. Couples looking for a threesome or group play would pick the single guys or couples and take them into private rooms. I demanded the two single guys who approached me have sex with me on the open bed, but they couldn't do it because people came to watch. I realized not many people in the world are used to what we do here on a regular basis, and I found that quite funny.

Due to the effect of consistent microdosing and stimulation, the craving for sex was building up in me. By the 35th hour or so, I already had four incredible orgasms while music turned into flying visual notes and dancing neon lights that waved their way from the dark abyss of space into my brain. But I wanted more. I was feeling that the entirety of my sex organ had turned into a 100-petaled flower that was on the verge of blooming; each petal had its own color, shape, texture, rhythm, and story. Then, after we got back from hours of dancing, around 4 a.m. in our Vegas hotel room, Raj fucked me again, and I felt my flower was blooming in the freest style I could imagine. And I suddenly found myself inside the body of a woman with a different demeanor: I started to speak - like in porn! Words just started bubbling out from me, and I was expressing wildly: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, baby, so biiiig... I love your big cock! Fill me up, please... oh this feels so goooood...don't stop..." I have always been nonverbal during sex; therefore, this was an out-of-body experience for me.

I believe that was definitely a new high for me, one I can only reach under extreme circumstances. But I want to recreate and relive that. I want to experience that level of excitement when I could naturally open up, even to the point of being able to speak during sex. The truth is, born and raised in today's world that's designed and constructed by men, I have never learned to tap into my innate feminine power. We have no idea what defines it, what it does, or how far-reaching and powerful it could be. Everything that exists in my world is seen through male perspectives and is a product of that, be it arts, social norms and constructs, politics, economics, philosophy, education, technology, and most strikingly, sexuality, emotions, and language/expression. So far, I only know that feminine energy craves connections - deep connections with the land and all the living things on it - and that we crave and thrive on deep connections with people around us.

Since today's world - and the direction humans (men) have taken - doesn't resemble a time when feminine energy exhibits its equal power, I don't intend to approach things aiming for a change. (I think it's way too late; I'm actually writing a sci-fi novel about it.) In fact, no need to mention "equal power"; we are practically non-existent, nonverbal, intentionally wiped out, and we don't have the remotest imagination for what a world built upon our energy could look like. I now just want to exist and live on my own terms, trying to ask questions about the existing concepts and underlying rules, and seek the truth within myself in spite of what we have been indoctrinated since birth. So yeah, rebuilding my own sexuality is one of the things I would love to continuously do; I believe it defines me in a fundamental way. And I am ultimately grateful for the open-minded and kind people in my life who support me in this pursuit; I will also be their strongest support in their journeys.

The reason I'm writing all of the above is that I realized (and Raj and I both feel the same way), this journey is much more fun with more people; MFM is always at the top of our list. Also, I found myself completely swept away by Tomás's style of sensual play and lovemaking. We played with guys who were highly skilled at sensual play, but I never felt this way before. I even feel that Tomás's style is tailor-made for me. And I thank both of you for being so open and communicative, which made me feel encouraged to be open with you. I hope this is okay with you both.

What if I tell you some things I'm excited about doing together with you two?

A private room threesome, for sure! Also, nature and semi-public spaces - hot springs, sex clubs, beaches, you name it! I want to explore more Shibari and BDSM, but I will always prefer two guys with me on it. I want to go listen to live music with you two too. Music is something extremely sensual to me; it turns me on right away and feeds me all kinds of feelings and emotions. I'd love to enjoy some live shows with you both, like jazz at Yoshi's, and then go back to a hotel room. I'd love to go with you two next Thursday for the show; let's confirm it in the next day or two. I think as we play more, my naughty list will surely grow. I hope you guys can handle it!