The shames we pined on the wall [part 1]

Friday night, right after our vibe check with my eighth, in the East Bay, we drove to meet up with a traveler in SF. My seventh and eighth - ya, the list is indeed still growing strong - are both absolutely gorgeous men who are astonishingly handsome, sensual, sensible, open, knowledgeable, experienced, and fun. The vibe check with them both felt exotically captivating, and their fondness and desire toward me (and Raj) was uncontainable. We haven't gotten to play for the first time yet, but I'll even write out the two vibe checks in my next diary entry.

Raj asked me while our new Tesla was crossing the Bay Bridge, "So, where are you in terms of wanting to go ahead and play with this guy?" "Hmmm, well..." "Look at you... 90%?" "Yeah, pretty much."

This has become our new norm: we directly get down to business with people who are traveling in SF or while we are traveling. The selection mechanism works: as long as the people have a good profile that I approve, and if we are able to verify that it's authentic and without deception, we will likely proceed within the same meetup.

This traveler currently resides in London, having been there for the past two years. He is an oncologist who works for a company that manufactures medical equipment. The company sends him to travel all around the world. It's his first time ever in SF; he just arrived Friday afternoon and will stay for six days. He is 37, 6 feet, fit, and has a solid body build. He is a Turkish citizen who holds undergraduate and master's degrees from Istanbul. He then lived in the capital of Armenia for six years, followed by four years in Budapest, and spent a few years in Italy before currently residing in London. In his profile, he states that he is a geek who travels the world to save lives, enjoys outdoor activities such as skiing, is a long-time drummer, and is a dog dad.

After I approved his ping request, he told me he was able to show the test results and was even getting a new test a few days prior to the meeting date. Actually, at the beginning, while we were going back and forth in the app's messages, I couldn't find a time that matched his availability. He kept asking nevertheless; he confirmed with me three times if I would play solo. And, after inquiring about "if anything changes in our schedule" at least seven or eight times throughout two days, I suddenly realized, "Oh wait, I think Raj told me later that our Friday has been freed up."

What can I say? I have an extremely busy schedule responding to numerous persons of interest; I can't follow up with things if they don't really want it. For example, my seventh, after the vibe check on Thursday, went ahead and hand-drew an "availability map" of his for the coming weeks, with much detail on the possibility of time and location - right after he has a cleaner coming over for a thorough cleaning, we might be able to play in his Oakland apartment without Raj being allergic to cat's hair; there're possible parties that we could attend together, and he would teach us various skills, such as tying and domming. On my plate, I always have multiple single guys to plan ahead with, as well as single girls and couples whom I make extra efforts to connect with and update, hoping to be able to plan. You've got to really want it to have it with me.

With a meeting time planned for Friday night with the Turkish traveler, he then asked me what I would expect. I told him I usually see if the men are kind and respectful. I also told him that I get turned off if the guy is unhygienic or has any kind of smell. Since he fits into the traveler's criteria, I am more straightforward and upfront. He told me he met 100% of those bars.

After he landed in SF, he asked us if we could make it before 9:30 PM, the original meeting time, so we could have more time to ourselves. We said we would come over right away once we're done with our 7:00 PM meeting with another guy. We ended up arriving at the bar Raj picked at 9:50 PM or so. I did update him on our ETA along the way.

He sat on the sofa in the corner, looking like his profile - very much authentic. The only difference is that in the pictures, he would smile, but in person, he has this resting "bitch" face with eyebrows and eyes close together. Well, I don't know what word I should use to replace "bitch"; maybe "butcher"? Meaning not too relaxed, not too chill, but kinda very serious and not easily laughing or smiling.

Nonetheless, he was sincerely conversing with us, telling us about his work and the places he had lived. I asked about the dating/lifestyle scenes in the places he lived. He replied that since he was financially well off (an oncologist), women in places like Armenia were really easy for him to get, and after some dates, they all wanted serious relationships. Well, yeah, I obviously would know that, but thank you for bringing that up.

Hooking up with travelers like this has become a new way of fun for us. In my mind, I was going for it the day I planned the meetup. I was paying extra attention to his smell, and I realized he did have a little bit of bad breath, sitting almost two feet away from me. I wouldn't say the choice of "to be or not to be" ever crossed my mind because I am never the kind of person who chickens out on any occasion. It was just a fact that I checked and told myself, "In spite of it, I'm going ahead." "No kiss then? Yes, absolutely no kissing! I would figure out a way." What a hard-core player I am. 

Then, after Raj and he exchanged test results, he realized he was HSV-1 negative, but we are - like most Americans - positive. I have had it probably since before I was five years old, got it from the family, and as long as I do not have a cold sore outbreak on my lips, it's not contagious. People don't really test for this, and there's no need to show it. My guy is also negative on this, like 10% of Americans, and we had a thorough discussion. He assured me, "It doesn't add any additional risk to my existing risk portfolio." Somehow, Raj's result panel has it, the Turkish guy then said, "So, we won't kiss." "Hooray!" I was so relieved! 

He is for sure completely lacking in experience - that kind of experience that makes a man a sensual partner who is ready to please and have a good time with women whom they help warm and open up. He didn't move his hands to touch me anywhere, he didn't even say one word to appreciate my beauty or whatever it was that was there. He didn't turn me on in any way. But hey, I want to go ahead with it, because it's going to be a great night out with my husband; one additional person makes me more excited and adds to the fun, no matter what. Additionally, he has a Marriott in Union Square, where he checked in just a few hours ago.

Raj checked in with me; we both were okay to go ahead, but we set a time limit for one hour. We planned to play in his hotel room for an hour, then leave for a club afterwards.

The three of us rode in our Tesla from the bar to the Marriott, about a 10-minute drive. I sat in the front passenger's seat. Usually I would sit with the guy, and we would do a bunch of stuff while Raj was driving. The time when I didn't sit in the back seat was because the guy insisted, thinking it was more polite to Raj if I didn't sit with him. Still, I would turn my head and talk, engaging with the guy. I didn't engage with the Turkish guy at all. Instead, I was chatting with Raj about how absolutely hot my eighth was, and I couldn't wait to play with him. Raj kept squeezing my leg, reminding me to stop. Well, what do I fucking care?

We dropped him off in front of the Marriott and went to park the car in a garage nearby. It took us 20 minutes to park and walk to the Marriott because we forgot to bring our toy bag on the way. He waited for us in front of the "pink elevator" inside the hotel. He sent a message, "There are indeed colleagues near the pink elevator." He was talking about being careful and trying not to be seen by his colleagues because he came for a congress meeting. In the bar, we already joked a lot about his colleagues discovering his secret date with both a man and a woman. When we finally arrived in front of the pink elevator, we asked where his colleagues were. I told Raj I had definitely been in this hotel before; I even had taken a photo with that huge heart, but I have no recollection of when or with whom.

In the double single-bed room, one bed was not used, so Raj and I started having fun there after Raj set out a table of my toys. "You come here!" Raj invited him, as he was sitting far away on a sofa, watching us. The Turkish cock was the average five inches, with pretty good girth, though, only around 3mm less than Raj's. He was able to be hard and lasted for the entire hour we were there. His favorite was to throat me. I had a new experience while being banged real hard from the back by Raj while choking on his five-inch cock. Because it was only five, I would have the choking sensation but not really vomiting, unlike my seven- and eight-inch partners: after two or three times of choking sensations, I could actually vomit, with liquid coming up my food pipe and sometimes into my mouth. I cum very intensely that way - a new experience, hence new excitement.

"Can I have a photo with the two cocks together?" "Yes, of course, Bae! I hope you have no problem with that?" "Hopefully, your colleagues won't recognize your cock in photos!" "Lol, hopefully not!" Raj and I found ourselves continuing to laugh at the "colleague situation".

After Raj cum inside of me, the Turkish wanted me to throat him to cum. I used my mouth and then my hands to make him cum. Then Raj and I took a shower and left. Before we were leaving the room, I sighed looking at the bed we played, "Oh I had spotting today." "Now people would for sure know you had women in the hotel room. Unless it was your bleeding." "Hahahahha!" 

On our way to the parking garage, I was holding on to Raj, telling him, "Babe, no touching, no intimacy, no good words, a stinky breath (well, I didn't smell anything in the room actually; his cock was absolutely clean and smelled good) - aren't we walking our walk of shame right now?" Raj started to make this kind of sharp, laughing noise, which at first was derived from forced self-mockery. Then, as uncontainable fun and irony surpassed any sense of mockery or negative feelings, the laughing noises burst out. He replied, "Oh, look at us, what a pair of whores! I almost sucked his cock!"

"Hahahhaha!" I started wailing uncontrollably; the entire street could hear me. 

"Look at me, went to IIT, Berkeley, McKinsey, multiple startups, now my own VC fund, and I ended up in a resting-bitch-face Turkish cock's hotel bed for an entire hour of shame."

"Right? Your mom raised you with so much sweat and blood, who would have thought! Almost put his five inches in your mouth!"

"Me and my wife too! Look at you, your face, your hair, you were choking so hard on his cock... To now how many cocks my wife has chocked on? 60? 70? Or more? Long cocks, short cocks, thick cocks, thin cocks, white cocks, black cocks, brown cocks, yellow cocks, hard cocks, limp cocks, straight cocks, curved cocks... What an achievement in life! I can update it on my LinkedIn!"

"Hahahahahaha! Walk of shame! 'You, come here!' You asked him like you really desired him!" 

"We did have 100 times worse, though, multiple times, remember all those moments of shame??" 

"Lol, I remember!!!" I was holding my stomach, almost crawling on the floor with my shiny high heels.

Then we proceeded to eat a whole midnight fast food meal, complete with fries, burgers, and Coke Zero, and hysterically laughed for another entire one and a half hours before going back home.

"Oh crap! I left my credit card in that bar we went to!"

"Oh, we've gotta get it on way back home. Did we leave anything else in the hotel room?"

"Our dignity?!"

"Yes! Hahahahahha!!"

I concluded in the group WhatsApp this morning, "Nice playing with you last night, Berkan! It was fun! Hope you have a great trip here in SF!" To which he replied, "Thanks, guys. It was really great. Really enjoyed it. And Raj melatonin works man :)"

And it's about time I write out all of our past walks of shame, and with open hearts, we welcome more to come.

To be continued...

The Chinese rapper

Can't believe we did it again, oops!!! What a successful show!!!

I actually completely messed up "Just a Friend." The entire first part slipped my mind! The kids know how many times I practiced from Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon. Again and again, I thought I had the lyrics memorized to the bone, and I've never spent so much time memorizing song lyrics before.

The truth is, I got a little too high at the beginning of the show. We have this tradition of taking one tiny shot before the show to relax our nerves. Oleg, Maylene, Lola, Chris, Robert, and Homam - a few of us core bandmates who've been together for the past few seasons - we continuously did that. This summer season, only Oleg, Maylene, and I stayed in the band, and Oleg brought along his Jameson anyway! Oleg is this huge Jewish Ukrainian who migrated to US in 1992. For the past seasons, Robert poured us drink, Robert is not as big as Oleg in size and he is more sensitive a man. Oleg literally filled the little cup up and I also just chugged in, what a pair of big nerves... 

Only after we cheered and I poured it in my mouth did I realize that it was a little too much. Then we waited on the side of the stage for the teenage kids to finish their groove metal - no idea what that was, a lot of hoarse shouting. After a delay of about 20 minutes, it was finally our time. When we were sound-testing, I was literally floating in the air.

My mind went, "Oh crap! Imma mess up my Eminem 'One Shot' moment, hard." Even though my mind kept going over the lyrics before the performance, I did have moments when I went blank, due to the influence of the Jameson.

But hey, nothing was gonna happen; I'd survive and have fun. So I went ahead with poise and calm. Luckily, I had practiced enough; even with the missing of whole verse, I kept my cool and completed the second and third verses correctly. I also performed all those dramatic movements on stage. Hayden filmed it and will make a super rad video for me. Maybe I will only post from the second verse, well, we'll see, maybe it will still be super cool with whatever I did.

A Chinese woman with tongue-twisting English swagging songs she had never heard of in her entire existence, dang, I outdid myself again! 😎

And we rocked so hard on "Whooooomp!" 

Carol remembered all the lyrics, and I danced! 

What a team of swag!

The swag

I've known Hayden since my kids first started classes at SoR about four years ago. However, it wasn't until recently that I felt they had finally begun to consider me "one of them." This wasn't the case even after I joined the adult band two years ago and had two seasons with them in the same group. For a long time, Hayden treated me respectfully, as a normal parent who was always inquiring about class schedules and music-related matters, or as a bandmate who might come and go with different seasons.

Hayden works at the front desk of SoR and, therefore, joins the adult band free of charge. They are a true musician and artist and are the lead vocalist for the Thursday adult band. They are about 5'11", with a slightly chubby build and a belly, but still a very masculine frame. They wear a necklace with a pink pendant shaped like a cute little girl with side pigtails. When they stand up in high heels, the pendant is at the same height as my eyes. The most common words on their T-shirts or jackets are "Down With Patriarchy," often with a painting of Mother Earth. They have a long-term female partner.

I actually don't remember if they used to dress in conventionally feminine attire since I've known them. At least for the past half-year or so, they have appeared much more often in oversized earrings, headbands, women's trench coats, cloaks, shawls, high heels, and skirts. Musicians these days all apply nail polish themselves - not from a Vietnamese nail salon - and that's a given. Hayden also always has half-torn black nail polish on their nails.

At each season-end performance, Hayden, together with Ludmila, puts on a grand show with an exaggerated style of dress, makeup, and stage presence. It is always a sight to behold. We would cheer and dance for them before or after our Wednesday band's performance. One of Hayden's most iconic stage outfits was a needle skirt, fishnet stockings, and black high heels. They were rocking it so hard, and we were screaming and dancing for them just as hard.

I say that Hayden now considers me "one of their own" because they have opened up to me much more over the past half-year. It could be because, after all these seasons, they finally realized what kind of a wild and open person or musician I am, just like themselves. Or perhaps it's because I now openly identify as bisexual and intentionally wear rainbow earrings to help my people recognize me. It could also be because Ludmila, who is their wildest BFF, sometimes talks about me with them. In any case, I now often find myself having extended conversations with Hayden about music, clothes, performance, and all, after they help me reschedule my kids' and my lessons. I always find myself truly amazed by their creative outfits. When I sincerely compliment them, they often come out from behind the front desk to do a little twirl for me so I can see up close. I appreciate Hayden for daring to live their most authentic self, and I cherish their presence in my life.

Two weeks ago, Ludmila and I met in the parking lot while waiting for our kids to finish their music lessons, and we started discussing our show outfits. Ludmila got very excited about my rapper's role this season; she's well-known for putting enormous effort into stage outfits. I believe I had the wildest laughs for days - the entire shopping square could hear our hysterical wails! It was Ludmila who came up with all the ideas: my husband's high-waist boxers underneath, long, dragging jeans sagging on my butt, huge gold chains with dollar signs, and an exaggerated baseball cap. We also practiced our swags. Ludmila actually went on Amazon, found the exact items, and sent them to me. I bought whatever she sent because I love her and value her opinions. For me, this was already half the fun - enjoying the process with friends.

I sent Ludmila a photo of myself in the outfit, and she absolutely loved it. It turned out she had forwarded it to Hayden, and they loved it too. Today, I chatted with them again at the front desk, appreciating their outfit - an off-white onesie with high heels. They then suggested their video-making service. It's Hayden's personal business, making professional music videos of live shows. They have five cameras, a cameraman, audio recorders, and they edit intensely according to the theme. I immediately purchased the video for one of my rap songs, "Just a Friend," for 200 dollars. I'm very interested in keeping some professional show videos of myself like that, and I also want to support them.

Now, with the pressure of making a professional video, I'm practicing "Just a Friend" like a maniac, trying to memorize all the lyrics so I don't make any mistakes on stage tomorrow. I took the kids to their robotics class, picked them up in one and a half hours, bought them pani puri at an Indian grocery store, and we ate dinner at an Indian restaurant. Then I dropped them off at fencing class. I also went to Starbucks and spent hours there while waiting for the kids. I did all of this with the swag - with my jean jacket and my "Bulls" baseball cap, the lyrics of "Just a Friend" were bubbling out of my mouth nonstop as my hands and my body constantly made rapper moves. People at the Indian grocery and restaurant were watching me. Some people even gave me dirty looks because, most probably, they don't like women who dress and act like men and sleep with women. We didn't fit into their tiny, dark boxes about themselves and the society they created. 

But guess what, I thoroughly enjoyed my little adventure in "cross-dressing". I've always enjoyed acting like a man since a very young age because girls were considered secondary, useless, stupid, and weak. In China, while I was growing up, only men and boys were highly regarded. All of my dad's bootlickers would compliment me, saying, "Wow, the daughter looks exactly like her dad - so smart, so leader-like, so much like a son!" "She has her dad's walk," they would say. For the longest time, I never knew how to "act like a girl." I never really learned to comb my hair - in fact, I never had long hair. I never liked wearing skirts and regarded myself as "different in a better way" from girls who wore them. I walked, stood, and sat like a boy whenever I was aware of my body language or acting in my student leader roles. I feel absolutely natural in men's attire, and I can pull off a man's look at any given moment. All those boys who were in love with me must have observed me long and closely enough to see my even more natural girly side and experience my outbursting feminine energy, especially when I couldn't help but fall in love with boys.

I love my journey in music performance and in lifestyle. Essentially, they are two sides of the same coin: a search for the truth about myself. I feel like a fish that is made of water, swims in water, and can change forms to whatever I feel like. My body is part of my host environment, and my mind is not locked up in dark boxes. To thrive in music performance or lifestyle - in fact, any form of art - requires a person to have an extremely open mind and an open heart. They should be ready to accept themselves in different forms, shapes, and existences so as to truly enjoy it. Unsurprisingly, their attitude towards other people, in forms they have never previously encountered, would also remain open as a result. Places like the Bay Area are the perfect breeding ground for people like that. We are forever being challenged and pushed to be more fluid and tolerant. 

However, to successfully meet truly open and honorable people and include them in your life is a rare thing. It doesn't happen often, even here in the Bay Area. You're lucky to meet people who, in their hearts, are generous enough to share their possessions with you, whether resources, connections, or emotions. Most people can't actually achieve that - you'll realize this especially when you get to know them. Deep inside, most humans' souls are hindered by jealousy, greed, and insecurity. It's sad, but it's true. Therefore, on any given day, I would be wholeheartedly glad to welcome friends who are honest, wild, and open-minded, and who truly care and are willing to share with me, overcoming their insecurity and jealousy, on my music journey, my lifestyle journey, or in any way possible.

The poet

"She's about 5'6, or 5'5, pretty tall. Let me see, I am 5'11, ya, she is 5'6..."

"What? Prof is only 5'11?" In my mind, I was a little shocked.

Prof was adding a new entry to the Codex column of Novelcrafter, a profile for a new human character. He's always been proactive in exploring the latest tools, from the .com bubble to the blog era and now the AI "revolution." He'd sometimes ask me to try them; most of the time, he'd try them himself. We've always enjoyed playing with the most up-to-date internet toys. He recently purchased Novelcrafter to help him write his autobiography, and we were exploring its functions together this morning. Novelcrafter, one of the hundreds of emerging AI products that can assist you in any field, some of which Raj also invests venture capitals in.

Why did I think prof was 6'1"? It could be because I truly have no sense of numbers - be it height, length, or money - unless someone states them for me to see. Or it could be because I truly look up to him, viewing him as a 6'1" giant in my mind.

Again, I was "held up" by prof in his office for hours, discussing his writing, which left me with no time to do my own work. I had almost finished reading the chapter he sent me, but I hadn't had time to write the review I promised. I mentioned some editing suggestions off the top of my head, and he took them very seriously. We discussed how to make the changes and also spent an entire hour talking about a future chapter that will elaborate on his relationship with physics. 

He earnestly inquired about my writing, too. After I returned to my desk and reread some of my novel drafts, I told him I hadn't made much progress since my trip to India and China. I also told him about my sci-fi novel's imagining of a fourth feminist movement and how human society will be shaped by technological advancement.

Prof always introduces me as one of the "earliest founding members with whom he together built it up from scratch" to the people we meet. And I am! I often wonder how long I've been involved with this, and how long I've known him. We literally built it together, brick by brick, exploring many fancy tools and putting in long hours.

One might ask, "So, have you two ever...?" It's a valid question, but only if that person truly knows us both well, which is almost certainly nonexistent. My answer to that question is: Can it be any more obvious? Back in the days, prof used to take me to travel all around the world. 

I took eight years off for a childbearing break. Given the scattered hours I've been able to put in since returning in 2022, was that eight-year break really necessary?

The more obvious truth is, I would not allow anything to happen. I didn't. I would never knowingly or unknowingly hurt another woman; children and men too, especially in this case. I make my moves based on other people's well-being and happiness, never putting myself first - it's as simple as 1+1. As a result, now we've truly built a lifelong friendship and partnership, one without any burden or stain. When we freely exchange our most profound thoughts today, both of our consciences are crystal clear, and our minds are utterly relaxed. Most people in this world don't have that! People make mistakes; I didn't allow that to happen. I believe neither of us today thinks any entanglement between us, other than what we have, would be better in any sense.

And yes, I don't think I could stay too far away from Berkeley, largely because prof is here. Of course, Berkeley and San Francisco have their own charms on me.

"I imagine having this book in my hand, a collection of poems by a true poet, who uses his poems to tell his life story - the people he connected with, the places he mesmerized, and the choices he ended up making. A book about a poet living a poetic life." I told prof.

When are we not digging our own graves? Humans

Silicon Valley enabled brutal mass detention and surveillance in China, internal documents show

Come for one of us, come for all of us!

greentara5 · Green Tara Mantra by Ani Choying Drolma - Buddhist Chants

My prof

My prof...

My prof is writing a book, an autobiography. Actually, a series of autobiographies, each one takes a few years to write, and he is on the first one. He is a public figure and a highly influential person in multiple fields, commanding respect among a significant crowd of international scholars, politicians, scientists, journalists, and activists. His book is going to be great. 

Monday morning, I was fully charged and came to the office to work. Haven't been working too much lately, since April... For the entirety of June and July, I had zero hours due to travel, and then approximately 20 hours in total for May and August. On Sunday, Prof had messaged me in Signal if I'd come to the office on Monday. When he arrived at around 10 a.m. on Monday, he started chatting with me. After we made our hot tea, he asked me to sit outside with him in the rose garden. We sat there and talked nonstop until 1:40 p.m., as waves of people came, ate, and left. I had to drive back home in time to pick up kids from school; otherwise, who knows how long we were gonna just sat and talked. 

Oh my prof... Who doesn't love him?

In Chinese culture, since ancient times, many positive four-worded adjectives have been used to describe men who are popular with women and have numerous admirers and affairs throughout their lives. Due to the patriarchal nature of the culture, however, there are no similar positive adjectives for women. A woman of high birth, though, could sometimes transcend these norms.

Under communism, up until Mao's death in 1976, sexuality was heavily repressed throughout the country, with only Mao himself reportedly having hundreds of women. When Deng embraced a market economy and partially opened up the country, a form of sexual liberation began to emerge. This change first appeared among the high-born, both men and women, before slowly spreading to the common populace. The youth who were able to go abroad in the 1980s were exceptionally sexually liberated.

My prof is high-born, from one of China's prominent "red families." He is incredibly handsome: tall as a man from northern China (5'11''), with a big build, a perfect face, and long hair. In 1987, he was studying physics in a master's program at the University of Notre Dame, a time when most Chinese citizens were unable to leave the country. Uninfluenced by Abrahamic religions or communist ideology, he is extremely open-minded and charismatic, with a heart full of integrity and sincerity. No need to mention the high IQ - he was officially granted a genius award and funds by the U.S. government. He truly lived the life of a high-class Chinese man, surrounded by the most attractive women from all races and all walks of life, many of whom were also high-born.

He was telling me all those stories, especially the ones he is currently writing. He clearly knows me well, considering me one of his closest and most trustworthy confidants. I, in turn, had to be completely open-minded to engage in such a deep conversation and help him with different perceptions. I feel truly honored and thrilled. I was able to provide valuable insight as a woman and as a smart young reader who is ready to be inspired by his life path and ocean of stories. Hopefully, my feedback will help him shape and anchor the stories in the best possible way.

This morning, I was determined to finally put in some hours on my overdue work, and I did. At 11 a.m. my prof sent me the first draft of the chapter we discussed in thorough detail on Monday. He spent the whole day yesterday editing it. Now, I have homework to read through the draft tonight and provide my feedback.

I can't describe how much I am enjoying this with my prof, and ya, for the years to come. He said, "You will share what you write to me to read, and I will share mine with you." Oh my prof...😄

C

G has been under enormous stress lately. Many of her friends have been taken away by Chinese authorities. Some were sent for months-long brainwashing sessions where they were completely cut off from the outside world. Others were taken in for a few days of interrogation. All of them are forbidden from traveling outside of China.

Two weeks ago, C was taken by the police while visiting her family in China. They held her for two days, interrogated her, and then released her, but she was not allowed to leave China. She is a student at Stanford, and now her future is uncertain and at risk of being destroyed. She is a 19-year-old Chinese girl with a sweet voice and a warm personality who always smiles. She cares deeply about the Tibetan and Uyghur people, sympathizes with them, and wants to help them. I feel my fist clenching every time I think about her and the tens of thousands of Chinese people who have sacrificed themselves for a better world.

The reason for her arrest and travel restriction? One of her Stanford classmates reported her to the Chinese authorities for attending an event organized to build bridges between Han Chinese and Tibetans and to help them achieve better mutual respect and understanding. I was at that event too. We attended the event and then went to dinner together afterward. I spoke extensively with C and other young friends, getting to know their stories and lives here in the Bay Area. They are all good kids with promising futures. Those motherfucking, selfish, brainwashed brats deserve to rot in hell. They are the brain-dead little Red Guards of the CCP. Fuck you all and hope you get your karma soon enough! 

And that's why I. do. not. fuck. with. them! I let my grandma pass away without seeing me for five years because I wasn't going to risk going back on a Chinese passport. You wish! I only went back with my head held high, full of pride, throwing my American passport in their faces.

On the first day of my arrival in my hometown, my uncle, who is a policeman, told us at the dinner table, "Momo, you have to send all of your passports to the police." My dad replied, "Sure, I have digital copies of all four of them. I'm sending them to you now so you can forward them to the department."

Most of us who are over 35 have decided to never set foot on Chinese soil again. But what about the young people in their twenties? If their families are all back home, how can they not go back for a visit? And how can they acquire an American passport in just a few years?

And we are so freaking powerless in protecting them. Once they are inside China, they are completely at the mercy of the authorities, who can do whatever they want to them. And they, 100% sure, will do whatever they want to them.

Damn, my heart bleeds!

The first rule for me when getting to know a new person from China is to see if they are brainwashed or if they have actively fought against it. There are only two types of Chinese people: those who are living in complete oblivion, and those who have taken strong action to overcome the effects of brainwashing. The first type - the fearful, selfish ones of this type - will surely turn into tools for the CCP and report freedom fighters to the authorities when the time comes. The second type has gone far enough to realize they are victims of brainwashing and has taken strong action to correct that stain within themselves. Mild actions are not enough; only strong ones will do. There is no middle ground between these two types - it's either A, or B, or you die. Therefore, if after two sentences with a Chinese person, I realize they are not fiercely against the CCP, I. do. not. want. to. fuck. with. you. at. all. You should never get into my life, and I will quietly fuck myself off at this instant.

I guess young people haven't acquired that life skill yet. They just want to hang out, thinking everybody can be friends. Absolutely not. Older people like us know that most people you encounter in your life could turn into selfish, insecure, venomous snakes who are secretly jealous of you and want to inflict harm on you.

Even today, at the age of 40, I'm still learning that lesson! The good thing about me is that I say and do things from the heart, and I have an extremely pure heart filled with love, respect, and kindness. It protects me. I've now found myself surrounded by a group of equally kind life companions who would do anything for each other. We've formed an incredibly tight-knit pact. If I have any dealings with a suspicious person, I first go to this group of companions for a discussion, and they strategize with me to make sure I won't get hurt. My actions with the people in question are not just my own, but a group effort.

That's how kind people fight off evil. I wish this life lesson were taught early so that young people wouldn't get hurt. But it is a lifelong learning process, and without walking a certain distance in life, people simply won't have that wisdom.

Damn, I hope C will get out of China soon enough. We will fight for her! 

The spoiled girl

"Look at her, taking it all in. What a spoiled girl." The guys were praising me for taking the whole of 8.5 inches down my throat while I was already completely filled up inside. A newly acquired skillset lately.

The second time with T, on a Wednesday morning, he brought along a set of handmade leather gear. It was a bright pink color, a hobby he had picked up during COVID. T took his time tightening the wrist, ankle, and thigh ties on me. He then locked my ankles to my thighs and secured my wrists together. I loved wearing my sexy lingerie, just being there, being worked on, all soft, enticing, and smelling like morning flowers. His thick steady hands worked my body, his strong arms flipping me around. Their sweet kisses fell on me from time to time. My hands and legs were locked, positioned however the guys wanted. I was ready to be taken - to be invaded and occupied - and I was ready to welcome and receive their strength and warmth deep inside of me.

Then T leaned down on the bed and placed me on top of him, facing the side of his legs. It was a brand-new position I'd never tried before and one that took a lot of strength and experience from the guy to handle. Within seconds, T was bouncing me on top of him, both hands grabbing tight on my waist, and I started to moan and I was dripping wet. "Good morning, sexy. I hope this is the morning sex you had envisioned."

T was going to make a set of leather gear for me, and he asked about the color. While embracing one in my mouth and one in my vagina, I freed my mouth to let the guys know they could pick a color for me.

"Maybe light green, similar to the jade jewelry you're wearing," T said.

"Yes, she loves that color, light green," Raj confirmed.

They collaborated while moving in rhythm. "Dang, we are so good at teamwork!"

"...in general, I'm not very verbal in bed, simply because I can't catch a breath to speak. But I really enjoyed the leather gear, the tie-ups, and the new positions. I was sooo wet..." "...I'm getting better at reading your body language. I hope that you feel safe expressing what you need (or don't want) at any time..." "...I do feel safe with you, and I liked whatever you did to me..." I enjoyed the follow-up communication as well. I feel open, safe, and communicative in the way I'm able.

This is the set T brought and put on me Wednesday morning. 

They felt very high-end and were very comfortable on my body.

Twelve hours earlier, on Tuesday evening, R was with us in the same hotel room. My parents and Raj are traveling soon for two weeks, so we've planned sessions for anyone who wants to play with us before we go on break.

R is entirely new to this scene; we were his first couple. This was my second time with him, and I was prepped for DP. R has the exact same body type as my guy, and I haven't been able to do DP with anyone else. We haven't played with my guy properly in a long while due to his crazy schedule. R is significantly less experienced in group play than my other partners, but he makes up for it by being kind, respectful, and smart. He was gentle and patient, and he was there to assist Raj.

The DP was as smooth and magical as it has always been. It was our third or fourth time, but R's first. The three of us thoroughly enjoyed it, with me cumming with a vibrator while both my front and back were fully filled. The guys also enjoyed my back entrance separately.

The pain only lasts for the first minute. The guys always have me ride one of them, then try to enter the second from behind, very slowly. Once the second cock, usually Raj, is fully positioned, my body starts to secrete a thick white liquid, which makes me enjoy it. With two cocks tightly filling me up next to each other, it feels surreal and celestial.

R and Raj have the exact same length, though Raj is a tad (4mm) thicker. I can say this with such precision because they took photos of me holding and eating two cocks; otherwise, I wouldn't have felt the difference. Now we're collecting photos with all of my guys, with me as the only face in the images, holding two erect cocks in my two hands or embracing the two tips in my mouth while they're positioned against each other. These are going to be added to my "good girl" album. Sometimes I share the images in some groups just to show off.

Oh, how I wish I could show these off to all the people I know in real life - I mean, all of them, seriously. And I'm looking forward to holding three or more giant cocks together and having photos of that. I am such a xxx girl. I don't know, whatever you want to call it, and it doesn't concern me at all. It's just who I am. I'm simply enjoying my life the way I want.

With Raj's and T's in my two hands, their added length is as wide as my shoulders, maybe even wider. Women's bodies are truly amazing. "I can feel you stretching, mmm, so good..." "I can feel you tighten up while you're choking on Raj, awww, that feels so good..." T whispered in my ear this morning.

The two guys from Vegas we played with during our first night of group play are both coming to San Francisco. Last week, the 57-year-old suddenly messaged Raj, asking if he could play with us on Monday. His tech company is based here in the East Bay, and he's been working remotely from Vegas.

"No, obviously. I'm sorry, but he's only qualified for couples, because of the age and all that, you know it."

"Yes, for sure," Raj replied.

The young guy who was too nervous to perform also sent me a message out of the blue: "I meant to tell you that I'll be coming to San Francisco soon."

"Yeah, sure, you come and we'll play!"

"Thank you, I'll be so looking forward to it. Sorry I was so nervous and tired that night. And I got so hard when I was by myself thinking about how hot you are." He'd apologized for the tenth time by then.

M is a 34-year-old graphic designer who is quite hunky, if he is not nervous. He was born and raised in Las Vegas, where he also attended college. When asked about his work, he said he designs the signs you see at big music festivals that direct people where to go.

Last Saturday night was the final night of J's month-long sabbatical in San Francisco. He and we had a drink at Chotto Matte, a fancy rooftop bar he suggested. He was a smooth and straightforward communicator, making a great effort to plan our meeting.

J, 28, was born and raised in NYC, has parents from Ecuador, and is fluent in Spanish, Italian, and almost Brazilian. He went to Brown University and spent a year abroad at a university in Spain. At 5'7", he has a muscular, thick upper body and tattooed arms, along with a handsome, friendly face. As a teenager, he practiced Japanese martial arts and fenced with a foil for two years during his last two years of high school.

I was impressed by his profile and how he communicated. When he showed up in a casual but stylish outfit, bursting with energy, I was instantly smitten. He's highly educated, well-traveled, intelligent, and sweet, with big career ambitions. During his time in San Francisco, he fell in love with the city and is now seriously considering looking for a job here. He expressed disappointment with NYC, saying it's no longer the diverse melting pot it once was. He feels suffocated by the pressure to succeed that everyone seems to carry. In contrast, he finds San Francisco more relaxed, "way less uptight and tense," and believes people here are more inclined to have hobbies and enjoy life. He also noted that the lifestyle scene in NYC is dominated by white people, whereas San Francisco is more open and diverse, with many Asians and Latinos in the scene.

We ended up in his hotel room an hour later. He held my hand the entire walk from the bar to his hotel. While the hotel wasn't as fancy as what we're accustomed to, it was centrally located, which provided him with easy access to all the IT and AI events happening in town. It was his own money, and it was a month-long stay.

J's cock was an average size, about 5.5 inches in erection and not too thick. I've heard that women don't need giant ones as long as men put in effort and are experienced. This was certainly the case with J. As he was literally "jumping on me," according to Raj. He tried very hard, using his mouth, tongue, and fingers. While I wasn't used to so much fingering, I didn't mind and appreciated the effort. If later on he indeed moves here and I get to keep him, he would be my only guy with an average cock, hence my cutest collection.

Though I wasn't very wet, the same with Raj. We later figured this was due to the hotel room setting - we were too used to fancy, unused hotel rooms, and a single guy's normal hotel room, where he had stayed for an entire month, was less of a turn-on. We used lube and were fine. He couldn't cum due to nervousness, but had a great night fucking me for almost an hour nonstop. It's funny that a seasoned NYer who has ten years in lifestyle feels nervous, just like the Vegas guy who has been in the lifestyle for five years. They must come to San Francisco to train and gain experience. We're forever wild and wet out here, with groups of people open for them to dive in. 

"I feel so lucky that I found you two on my last day here in San Francisco, and I am attracted to both of you. You two make it even harder for me to leave here." J stated. "When did you know that you wanted to have it with me?" He also asked. "I think it was since the very beginning when you showed up. You looked so good and were so cute!" I answered honestly. "Really? Thank you very much, that makes me very happy!" "Ya, we will be waiting for you to come and settle in San Francisco!"

I've started to really enjoy this lifestyle, especially with a growing list of solid people who could become my friends. With each person I meet, I don't forget to look for that special connection which gives me butterflies - that inexplicable feeling of "being in love." Unfortunately, I haven't found it. I only feel that with my guy; I long for and miss him on a completely different level. But maybe that's not a bad thing, because the strong, profound friendship and partnership we could eventually build is the only thing that could last and will truly support me.

The fifth and sixth

Yes, the list-growing business is still on. After a few months' pause due to international travel, I'm back at it. The day I landed back in California, Feeld was flooded with local requests. There were a few hundred ping requests while we were in the UK and India, but they weren't local to me, so I didn't engage with them at all. It was all a social experiment. Sorry, dudes in the UK and India!

After two weeks and about 30 Bay Area pings, the fifth one came through. His profile photo was of him playing a piano. He is a tall and handsome 34-year-old Brazilian with great fashion sense and style, who most likely comes from a wealthy family. He works in finance in the South Bay and has been in the U.S. for seven years. He actually plays the guitar, not the piano. He's been playing guitar since he was 11, but he has a piano in his apartment, so he took a photo with it for Feeld. "Well, that got you qualified to meet us!"

For guys who want to have steamy threesomes with us, my standards are not getting any lower; they're staying the same. I'm looking for single men in their 30s - or sometimes their late 20s - who are handsome with a solid build. They can be husky, but not fat, not even a little bit. They must have excellent hygiene, smelling and tasting good, as any unhygienic smell is a complete turn-off. We must be able to exchange recent test results (within the last 1-3 months) prior to our meetings. I prefer no facial hair, but a well-styled beard is acceptable since most men here have them. They should be kind, respectful, gentle, and straightforward, while also being sweet, sensual, and caring toward me. I need to feel that they are genuinely attracted to me, not only with the mentality that "all women, regardless of appearances, are fuckable and I just want to try out everything." They should find me extremely sexy and desirable, and being with me should feel like a dream come true for them. Since Raj is so well-endowed and always makes a great effort, I can't settle for less. My single men must be well-endowed, no less than 7 (since Raj is 7), thick, and enduring, with great stamina, as our threesome sessions typically last at least 2-3 hours with small breaks, and I am the center of attention throughout that time.

Their profile must be verified or have a monthly plan, and feature clear photos of their face and body. It should also include a great description that allows me to gauge the guy's personality and temperament. I never choose profiles that blur or hide faces or have any ambiguity in the wording, as I need to ensure they are fully committed with no hidden agendas. I also don't engage with men who are in relationships but play separately; that's too complicated for me.

I choose single guys to begin with, and I'll keep them as long as it lasts. I expect them to leave once they enter a monogamous relationship. However, if they get into a polyamorous relationship and wish to stay, I have no problem with it, as long as everything is clear and straightforward on their end. I clearly state in my description: "I will never, knowingly or unknowingly, hurt any woman, ever." 

I don't expect anyone to care for me like a lover, boyfriend, or in a situationship. Sometimes, we don't even expect them to pay for the hotel. As long as the communication is good during the planning stage and we have a great time once we're in the hotel room, there are absolutely no outside responsibilities or emotional or physical burdens.

I also don't look at the profiles of who "liked" mine, as that is a sea of thousands. I only wait for pings that include a sincere message. They should be putting in effort as if they are applying for a job. They should obviously read my description, be truly willing to try their luck with me, and act accordingly to the instructions I have provided.

The in-person "vibe check" with my fifth was great. He is intelligent, well-read, and well-traveled, and he was able to chat smoothly with us about world politics. He is genuinely tall (6'1), handsome, and has great taste. At 34 years old, he is just starting to explore this lifestyle, and we are his very first couple and his very first threesome. I asked him, "Are you sure about this?" and he replied, "Yeah, of course. I'm so looking forward to it. It will be my first time, but you can help me get familiar with the situation - how to do a tag team and all that. But yeah, I fuck very well."

The good thing about having high standards is that whoever makes it through the steps and eventually meets us for an in-person vibe check already possesses most of the qualities I am seeking. There were a few cases where we dropped guys after a vibe check and a first play, but that was during a time when we merged both into one night. Now, we've returned to separating the vibe check and the first play into two different dates. This has been successful; whoever makes it through the vibe check and the planning for the first play is usually quite good in bed and is a good person.

People who aren't terribly unintelligent already know what we're looking for just by reading my profile description. If they apply, it means they have confidence in their own quality and capabilities. If they can then follow through with the planning for a meetup, they most likely have the right circumstances in their ongoing life to be up for it. 

Raj and I are always upfront and straightforward with everyone we meet in this space. All my guys know they are just one of "my guys," and that I have a whole list of them, all hunks with great cocks. My profile description begins with something like this: "We are a couple, Momo from China and Raj from India. We are three years in the lifestyle and we only play together. We are deeply connected and in love with each other. We have been together since Raj was 20 years old." We love to talk about our kids, and our planning centers around their schedule. Therefore, the guys are all very clear about what they are getting into and what they should provide in this situation.

My fifth, R, the Brazilian, can indeed fuck. He's well-endowed and has great stamina. He is smart enough to observe keenly and learn quickly, and he made a great tag team with Raj on our very first play. I felt good in his embrace, and our bed chemistry checks out, so we're keeping him. He can accumulate more experience by being with us. He actually has the will to get deep into this lifestyle and has been requesting more threesome sessions. He even wants us to take him to couples' group plays as an additional cock. It's gonna be fun with him.

My sixth, T, who lives two miles away from us, is a 36-year-old husky man with a cute and handsome baby face. He was a jockey in school and played various sports. He served in the Navy for a decade, operating nuclear reactors in U.S. submarines. With the submarines, he traveled around the globe, even to the North Pole. He loves history and collects interesting stories and details about historical events. He was once married to his high school sweetheart and has a 7-year-old son. He is now separated and has his son with him every other weekend and on some holidays. "People realize sooner or later that one person couldn't satisfy all the needs of a partner." Now he has been in the lifestyle for five years with a "solid group of friends". They host a lot of fun group events, and he usually acts as the bull. He will go to Vegas with a group of women, some of whom are his old friends from high school, to celebrate one woman's birthday. He's going to be the only man in the group, and hopefully, the women are open enough to enjoy his company, in that way.

He does have a high EQ, just as his profile states. He's very smooth with his compliments and caring comments. We had a great vibe check. As we were leaving the bar, he suddenly lifted me up to say goodbye. He's approximately 5'11" with a very thick, muscular build. Usually, I'm a little intimidated by this, but his smooth personality eases it for me. "It was wonderful meeting you. Your pictures don't do you justice. I'm sorry I didn't get to acknowledge how beautiful you are in person. I'll be looking forward to expressing my desire for you this coming Thursday." Wow, he's really good at this and seems very mature and experienced.

In general, my sixth has very open personality; he loves adventures. He is well-read and extremely well-traveled. His energy level is as high as Raj's and mine. People like us love hanging out and being with friends. We want to play until we pass out, and we are always ready to jump into all kinds of situations.

My sixth also worked in many startups as a nuclear engineer after retiring from the Navy, but now he wants to obtain a master's degree. However, his previous college was unable to transfer the credits, so he had to retake undergraduate courses to be eligible to apply for a master's degree. He is using the GI Bill to pay for his college tuition. Hence, he is currently a college student with ample free time and flexibility.

Before our first time together, he asked us if we had any restrictions or boundaries. I replied that we were generally very easygoing, with just a few simple rules: "wear condoms for penetration," "be respectful," and "don't be too hard with choking and slapping, a little is fine." I also told him that I would always let him know if I wanted him to slow down or if I was in unbearable pain, and that he should stop and give me a rest right away.

Right before we started, he again asked for clarity on restrictions and boundaries, receiving a verbal reaffirmation from me. "Since it's our first time, I will ask 'if it's okay with you' often, okay?" he said. "Yeah, that would be sweet!" I responded.

He found my outfit extremely sexy. We sat on the sofa for a few minutes before he lifted me up in the way a groom lifts his bride and carried me to the bed. I really liked that.

"You are sooooo sexy..." he whispered in my ear many times. "I've been anticipating this moment since we met last time. I've been imagining this all past week; it's been difficult to focus on my studies."

"Dang, he is smooth," I thought. "You are sooooo sexy!" He repeated that in my ear at least ten times.

"Oh, wow, you are so freaking tight. She is so freaking tight." "Yes, I know, she has a really, really tight pussy." The two men sighed together.

That always happens when a man first gets to know me. Their first comment is always about how tight I am. Then later on, after a few times, guys will also discover how soft my skin is - the softness is kind of rare. But yeah, the first few times, men are usually caught by surprise by how freaking tight I am. They love the notion that they are "stretching me out."

A vagina doesn't really get stretched out. Even giving birth to two children didn't stretch me out. I am as tight as before because of the muscular structure of my vagina. It always bounces back. Intercourse doesn't stretch out a vagina. Penetration does cause pain; Raj gave me pain for the entirety of seven to ten days when we first met. I couldn't sit, couldn't walk, and couldn't even eat properly. But once your body gets used to the pain, you can easily take that much in volume and bounce back to the exact shape once the cock is out.

Man, he fucked me so hard. In total, the two men fucked me nonstop for two and a half hours. We had to wrap it up so we could be home before the kids arrived, or else they could go round and round for the whole night. "I can do this the whole day and the whole night with you. A whole weekend, we would do nothing but this," he whispered in my ear.

He has an 8.5-inch giant. I was a little intimidated at the beginning, but his smooth personality eased it for me. He is a true athlete, pounding on me like he was racing the last lap of a 100-meter dash! In my mind, I was screaming, "This man could kill me with his giant cock if I were alone with him." I felt that he penetrated me right through my body and up to my throat. "Fuck her brain out," that's what it felt like. My moaning wasn't moaning but helpless crying in the disguise of moaning. Raj had to ask me very often if I was okay. I was in so much pain, but I was also enjoying it in the most primal way. I couldn't say no, god damn it, I couldn't say no. I was like a perfect prey, surviving only on the mercy of my predator.

I did cum three times. This is the second time I have ever cum three times in one night. The second time was with T in me. He kept trying for the third time, "Give it, baby, give it to me, it's mine!" But then Raj got ready for his second round, and eventually, he made me cum for the third time. "When I get more familiar with your body, I will know more about how to make you cum." He really enjoyed and wanted more, way more. I guess we just started it, and there's so much more to explore. His sweat was raining down on me, and my whole body was soaking in his sweat. I didn't feel uncomfortable or disgusted at all. I guess all that sensual play and sweet talk really can control a woman's mood. I let him do whatever he wanted to me. Not only him, but I had difficulty breathing the entire time. Whenever he would give me a break, I would just curl up my body and breathe there like I was completely out of breath. He would gently kiss my whole body while I was recovering. At the end, he lifted me up again like a groom lifts his bride and dropped me off in the bathroom to take a shower.

Dang, I can't express how much fun this whole thing is. And yeah, here comes my fifth and sixth, and we are going to have so much fun together!

Traveler - California

I admit it has taken me some time to grasp the reality, after an entire month of traveling. Do I feel like I'm settled back here yet? Maybe, maybe not.

Being with family felt so right. I am a small-town girl. I grew up with my grandparents, uncles, aunties, and baby cousins each and every day. Our extended family is extremely close; my maternal grandparents, all of their children, and all of their grandchildren lived together in our beautiful green townish-city in Southern China. It has always been loud. Family affairs happen constantly. My mom is the firstborn child of my grandparents, and I am the firstborn grandchild of the entire family. Everyone looks up to my dad as the true boss because he achieved a high local government position just a few years after he "married into" my grandparents' home as a young man, and my parents and I were always at the center of things. 

In the entirety of my extended family, we all possess the most valuable thing any human could have: kindness. All of us are basically the same - extremely kind and soft-hearted, always willing to work hard and fight for others. We are together not because of money or power, but because we genuinely love and make an effort to care for each other. My uncle (mom's youngest sibling) might be a little spoiled, though, since he's the youngest and the only son of my grandparents. In that case, he can be a little greedy and lazy and loves to shirk his responsibilities, but overall, he is also soft-hearted and the most fun, too. 

In the madness of big family affairs, even though the adults intentionally excluded us to make sure we kids studied well, we were always aware. We looked forward to having sleepovers on the weekends, which were always the best part of the week. We played nonstop, acted silly in our kids' monkey business, we compared notes of adults' affairs to have a sense of reassurance and security, and we shared all of our own secrets with each other - who we had secret crushes on and who had crushes on us. I can't get over the nostalgia for how close my five baby cousins and I used to be. That kind of closeness clicks back within seconds, no matter how long you haven't met or talked, or how far away you end up being. 

Oh gosh, we used to be so happy. Whenever we were allowed to be together for the night, we would giggle and joke nonstop. Our stomachs would always ache from laughing, and very often, we would actually roll on the floor laughing, not able to stop. Even with my youngest baby cousins, who are twelve years younger, we had our days of being completely silly nuts together, with nonstop jokes and laughing, back when they were around ten and I was in college. When Shiv and Aditi were young, each time I brought them home for a two-to-three-week visit, my cousins who were then in college would always come back to our hometown to be with us, and we were still completely nuts. None of us had any intention of growing up or growing old along the way, especially not when we were together. 

I remember how much I wanted to take them all with me to America. I urged them to apply for studies abroad, and I scared them about what was happening in China. However, not everybody shares the same priorities or capabilities. Since my birth, my entire family has given me the responsibility of taking care of all the younger siblings. This was especially true because I was always the talk of the town for my high marks and diverse range of capabilities - performing music and stage acts, always winning medals and recognitions for various competitions. They used to have high hopes for me to achieve something grand in life, to be able to lift up and take care of my baby cousins. The guilt of leaving them behind has persisted and never subsided. 

The way I am taking care of Leena like my baby sister makes me wish I could do the same for my baby cousins: include them in all of my adventures, make them my confidants so when they are in need of help, they would give me all the information and I could straighten things out for them right away; consistantly buy things for them - clothes, snacks, handicrafts - and take them out dining and traveling. I am so proud of myself for how I literally built Leena's new wardrobe (keywording "sexy") by giving her new clothes almost every other week. 

My baby cousins and I traveled together in China when we were young, and had some absolutely bonkers experiences. It was so much fun, but I was such a maniac big sister who would turn into a psychopath whenever I sensed danger. I just had the instinct to protect my baby cousins, and no one, no one was allowed to touch a hair on their heads! My mom has been the "big-ass sister" for the family her whole life. I wasn't born with a very assertive or dominating personality, or perhaps it was never nurtured because my parents' habits of power and authority cast a big shadow over me, but I have also been the oldest sister my whole freaking life. This "big-ass-sister" energy resides in me regardless and surely will come out whenever it's needed. When it does, you'll see the most natural act of a big-ass sister who is a little cuckoo in the head, just a little bit.

My upbringing with my cousins taught me to have an open heart. I've always felt a need to include people in my life - to trust them, share what I have, and support them. I love making memories and having a good time with them.

However, since I left home at 18, constant change has been a continuous presence in my life. The friends, lovers, and various other encounters have mostly been beautiful but fleeting moments, lasting anywhere from a few months to a few years. My closest friends were a group of Chinese colleagues I used to work with; 15 years later, we are still close, but most of them have moved away, and we rarely get to see each other. We only maintain a group chat for life updates. 

The sadness of seeing good friends leave has persisted, and for a while, I thought I had grown tougher. I sometimes found myself no longer yearning for long-term relationships or expecting anyone to stay close. But that feeling - the feeling of diving in with complete trust and endless intimacy - suddenly resurfaced when I reunited with my baby cousins after six long years. I still love them so much that the thought of leaving them again brings me to tears, and I can feel how much they are attached to me, too. 

This year's trip to China made me realize that longing for closeness with people is a core part of me, and it will always be. No matter how many ups and downs I’ve experienced since leaving home, how many times I’ve fallen and been heartbroken, or how much sorrow I’ve had to endure, my heart will always remain open.

I can’t be with my baby cousins, who are my closest companions by default. Most likely, this open wound will never heal in my lifetime. But I chose this life for myself and my children. I chose to leave home, leave behind what defined the younger version of me, and rebuild. I don't regret my choices, and I don't look back.

With a wounded heart and a twisted wing, I know deep down that this land is home now - California is home - but I will also remain a traveler, for always, wherever the wind takes me. 

Blooming flower

Raj has been nagging me for years about going to Vegas without the kids. I've never felt comfortable leaving them behind while my husband and I fly somewhere. What if the flight crashes?

"You know driving to Napa has a higher chance of crashing than flying, right?" he'd say.

"Of course I know," I'd reply.

This year, it finally happened. After we returned from India and China, Raj was trying his best to help me enjoy life in America and feel more at home here.

It was basically a 48-hour tripping tour, and we had the best sex of our lives. Of course, as soon as we landed in Vegas, I easily found several people on Feeld, and we had an orgy in our fancy hotel room at the Fontainebleau the same night. Raj has finally graduated from being a nervous, innocent Indian boy and has become a legitimate bull.

It seems like the LS scene in LV isn't as wild, and the people there seem less experienced. It's unlike the Bay Area, where group sex and orgies are everywhere, and people are used to all kinds of situations from a young age.

The 34-year-old local guy, born and raised, was nervous all night and couldn't perform. The 57-year-old guy with a beautiful older woman didn't have a very big equipment, and I didn't feel full at all with him. He was five to six inches and not too thick - which is actually above average. That's what most women in the world get if they're lucky. I guess I've become a man-made size queen.

I was waiting for my turn to have my husband's big, thick, hard cock in me. The good thing about having extra guys is that I'd be worked on the whole time. The guys have tongues and fingers and all that stuff; it keeps me warm. Whenever my husband was done satisfying the beautiful older woman, I got to have him. Only cocks like that could make me feel full and take me there.

I was floating in the belt of Jupiter, with stars blinking and drawing silky, long lines across the sky. I could only hear my own voice, my own moan, slowed and echoing as if in a theater. I could only feel how my vagina wrapped tightly around the hard cock that was constantly pounding into me, a sensation that gave me so much pain but much more pleasure. "Baby", I would call out lustfully again and again. What screamed in my mind was, "Baby, I love you!" I could only feel the hands, tongues, and lips on me, enjoying me as well as giving me pleasure. "Oh Momo, you are so damn sexy." "Wow you are sooooo beautiful." "Mmmmm you are so soft, this feels so goooood." Their gentle voices merged into my own slowed moan, echoing together. And for the most part, my mouth was also full, sometimes my throat, all in the same slowed rhythm. I also loved it when the woman softly ate me out for 20 minutes while my husband took care of her. I kissed a lot with her too, our soft lips and tongues touching over and over again, as if silky blinking lines from the stars could come out from our mouths. 

For the trip, we took something different (legal stuff obviously, both in California and Nevera), but gummies are my favorite nowadays, so it was all mixed up inside my body since we've been slow-dosing nonstop. The slowing, centralizing, and floating effect was mostly from the gummy.

For the second night, we planned to have our first organized gangbang with a different group of people. However, it turned out that as the weekend approached, people used Feeld much less because free sex was everywhere on the streets of LV. "It's sugar in the air!" two men were saying, and somehow that line reached my ears while my brain was focused only on the music and rhythm wherever we walked. Young, attractive girls, all dressed up in exceptionally tiny and fancy clothes, promenaded everywhere, showing off their firm breasts, round butts, and silky skin. They were indeed "sugar in the air" - what a sight to behold.

Obviously, the two men from the first night wanted more, especially the underperforming young local. He actually had a nice cock, but without new cocks, we didn't proceed with the gangbang idea. Instead, Raj and I had a second day out at Sea Mountain and tried out Play LV at night.

In Sea Mountain, Raj had a spiritual journey with me, and he tripped to switch and became vulnerable. Due to my experiences, I took up the role nicely. I completely used and abused his vulnerability, sending him into a state of euphoria over and over again. We couldn't stop giggling throughout. The warm weather, the swimming pool, Buddha statues everywhere, a blue sky filled with stars, and people lying around and playing freely.

At Play LV, to be honest, people in Vegas are much more uptight. Maybe some are tourists who think it's a one-off thing - a "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" kind of sinful stuff. They have a pious life to get back to. Unlike us Bay Area locals, we don't carry around that made-up "sin" or "shame"; it was discarded a long while ago. All of that is a part of our life and daily routine, as natural as taking a shit or dining out with friends. There is nothing pious in us, nothing.

I only got to play with two single guys. While Raj left me for two minutes, two guys came forward right away. That night, they only allowed nine single men, and any couple who wanted a threesome could take them to a private room to play. And man, oh man, they had many, many rooms.

I'm a Bay Area gal. I like public, open spaces; our rooms in California are never allowed to be closed. I brought the boys to an open bed, and they got nervous in that situation - typical inexperienced youngsters, one local one "from Italy". Or as he claimed, his accent was more Eastern European. We walked around the couples-only area, where most couples were only playing with each other without swapping. Two couples were in one bed, with many individual beds separated by silky curtains. Unlike in the Bay, we play on the floor. The whole space is connected, and everyone is together. The people in Vegas need to chill the heck out and loosen up.

"Every month, one Thursday is for a gangbang. We would have 30 couples and many more singles. Each couple would take up a room and have a gangbang there individually. How about you guys? How big are your events?" the boy who was able to fuck me for some time until he got nervous because people came to watch, talked to Raj before we left.

Yeah, in the Bay Area, gangbangs happen together in one space; we don't need individual rooms, which kills the vibe. And every week, there are two nights in one of the clubs that allow as many single guys as they want.

Raj did fuck me in the couples-only area, on one of the beds. The voices of many other women moaning became celestial music, floating into my ears like bouncing musical notes. My own voice and theirs were in the center of the cosmos, radiating neon lights that moved with the rhythm.

I came so hard my throat was sore, and I had lost my voice by then because that was my third intense orgasm within 36 hours. Each orgasm took a long while to reach and lasted at least a minute of screaming. I was not able to hold down my scream, so I buried my face in the pillow to control the noise. Women in the room started to giggle and appreciated my experience. A night ago, in the hotel room, the guys gently put their hands on my mouth so the neighbors wouldn't report us to the police, suspecting foul play in our room.

After Play LV, we went dancing until 4 a.m., ate some pizza, and went back to the room. "Baby, I want to be fucked more and cum again." This is what the new thing does: my sex organ has become a wild flower with 100 bright red petals, yearning to bloom. Each petal carries its own sensor, and with one light touch, it opens up to its fullest. By then, we had been continuously tripping for around 40 hours, and this heavy, bright red flower with 100 sparkling petals was on the verge of blooming.

As Raj was pounding me from behind with his big, thick, and hard cock, I started to speak. I could never speak while having sex. Guys would whisper in my ears, asking me questions, seeking permission. I'd keep moaning and couldn't catch my breath, unable to say even a word. "Oh yeah, oh yeahhh, oh yeahhh..." all of a sudden, words burst out from me lustfully, as natural as my orgasm scream. "Oh so big, so biiiiiiiiig... I love it, oh I loooooove it." "Fuck me more. Fuck me, baby!" "I want it, oh I want it. I want it deep and hard." "Oh slow down a little." "Oh, faster, baby faster." "Oh yeah, oh yes, yeahhh." "It's so full in me, I feel so full..." "Yes, yeahh, oh yeahh, fill me up, baby, fill me up, oh yeahh, so big, I want it, I love it..." Inside of me, my wild flower was blooming as it became the center of the universe. All those hundreds of red petals were extending and arching to the full, little twinkling bling-bling lights surrounding each of the petals, dancing in the dark.

The Greek god Tiresias had a unique perspective on male and female sexual pleasure.

While still a young man, Tiresias came upon two snakes entwined in copulation. With his walking stick, he separated the amorous serpents and was suddenly transformed into a woman.

Seven years later, the female Tiresias was walking through the forest when she again interrupted two snakes in a private moment. Placing her staff between them, she completed the cycle and transformed back into a man.

This unique breadth of experience led the first couple of the Greek pantheon, Zeus and Hera, to call upon Tiresias to resolve their long-running marital dispute: who enjoys sex more, men or women? Zeus was sure that women did, but Hera would hear none of it. Tiresias replied that not only did females enjoy sex more than males, they enjoyed it nine times more.

......

Why does any of this history matter? Why is it important that we correct widely held misconceptions about human sexual evolution? 

Well, ask yourself what might change if everyone knew that women do (or, at least, can in the right circumstances) enjoy sex as much as men, not to mention nine times more, as Tiresias claimed? What if Darwin was wrong about the sexuality of the human female - led astray by his Victorian bias?......

                              -- "Sex At Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha