Friday, June 20, 2025

Prostitute

In the core of any human being, one thing I take very seriously is whether this person respects women most fundamentally. For men, respecting women means they give regard to women's experiences, they treat our physical differences as normality, even though men's bodies naturally desire women's, and men are generally bigger and stronger. On a higher level, they are curious about our health, our happiness, or the way we perceive the world, which is entirely different from theirs.   

Most men in this world don't have that in them. They didn't grow up that way, nobody taught them properly, and the various societies they came from did a poor job. Some societies are even going backwards, doing a worse job now compared to before: pushing women down, stepping on them, and punishing them. America, China for sure, maybe India, and all Muslim predominant countries. 

I am a woman who was and still is being punished by Chinese society. The men in the society use me as a "living example". None of the things about me on the Chinese internet are true, and whatever they fabricated in 2021, the exact duplicate content, they keep reposting. 

I still receive nasty comments from Chinese internet users daily on my new YouTube accounts. Of course, I needed to set up those YT accounts after my almost 10k account was eliminated. My own fault, but it is what it is. I need a place to share my updates, as well as some old videos, in case people saw those defaming fake articles and searched for me to find out how miserable my life was. 

I recall that in 2021, during the storm, I received tens of thousands of comments daily on my YouTube channel, after all of my Chinese social media handles were deleted and blocked access altogether. People used VPN to find me on YouTube and leave comments. 

Two keywords in most of those comments: Prostitute and Traitor. Actually, Chinese internet users have been using these two keywords on me for more than a decade already, from the beginning I was online and started actively promoting different cultures, in 2009. I have gotten used to internet violence, and it has toughened me overall. Part of the crucial growth in my 20s and 30s. 

Today itself, there were at least five comments across my new YouTube accounts with the keyword "prostitute". 

I actually do not understand this discrimination towards prostitutes. Aren't they doing jobs to support themselves? Isn't it the oldest job humankind could think of? Doesn't the work provide a great deal of necessary service for men? 

I have immense respect for prostitutes. In fact, one of my favorite classics is "The Lady of the Camellias" by Alexandre Dumas fils. I read it when I was 9, 11, 14, and 16, can't remember how many times, progressing from an abridged version to a comic-like version with black-and-white drawings, and then to the original copy. I sobbed for days, maybe weeks, each time I read it. When I was a teen, I thought to myself: when I grew up, if I ought to be a writer, I should somehow experience this kind of life in person. Maybe a side job related to this field when I reach 20, like the young adults who work to put themselves through college in those American movies. I have had an open mind since a very young age, it's just that life has always treated me well financially. It's always a trade-off. 

The classic tragedies from all walks of life taught me to look beyond the obvious and see through things. And in reality, I hold strippers in a very high regard, I believe you gotta be gifted by the Gods and Goddesses with perfect bodies to master this job. I dream of measuring up to it, and I know that practice can help compensate for my body's shortcomings. Perhaps I could be a successful one with my own niche market, regardless of my age. 

I understand where they come from when they leave nasty comments on my accounts, calling me a prostitute; but they won't understand why that doesn't affect me at all, based on my experiences from a teen till today. We are from entirely different systems.

So, am I a prostitute? My answer is this: whatever answer you formed in your mind regarding me, it is only an indication of your own life path, your experiences and understanding of your own world. It says a lot about what kind of world you are coming from, too. And you have all the freedom in the world to forge your own opinions about anything, including me. Although most of the time people mistake the derivation of brainwashing-induced quick views to freedom. Keep an eye out for that. The thinking regarding me your mind cultivates provides me no value about myself, but only about the thinking my mind cultivates about you. And to that, I only have a limited amount of interest and energy to draw a very generalized picture from the tens of thousands, maybe millions, of your comments. 

So am I a prostitute? That's a great question and the right one to ask!


Sometimes maybe you just want to see me being here, 

spoke for 4 minutes but actually conveyed nothing?

Wednesday, June 18, 2025

Strawberries

Been in this Starbucks for more than a month now. The cute cashier who remembered my name today told the cashier who was serving me that "She is Momo". The Cameroonian guy with whom I always share a table chatted a little with me, telling me he might go back to Cameroon at the end of the year, after twenty times of smile and "Can I sit here?" or "Hey, you again, can I sit here?" I told him about our summer plans. And the cute young Latino cashier brought the coffee I ordered to the table for me while I was busy chatting with the Cameroonian. 

Human connections. Always what I have been looking for. Random chats in the street make me happy. Random in the sense that it's a total mix of people, no specific purpose of being there, just passing by. Chat a little about our respective lives, what bothers us, what makes us happy, and what's happening right now that catches our attention. 

Whenever kids look at me, I smile at them. Kids often stare at people, and most people don't notice. I don't pay 100% attention, but if I see it, I 100% would smile at them. 

Most people you meet in life, you only meet for once. Recurrence is extremely rare. With whoever I meet and catch a little of my attention, I give my 100%, because I know from the next second until the end, they will not be there. Maybe at the very end, when we all go back to be a part of the Gods/Goddesses, you'll see them and remember them again. But in the Earthy life, ya, nice to meet ya and farewell. 

There are some places or things I wanted to revisit, but most of the time, that doesn't happen. Subconsciously, I always know. Hence, wherever new I go or whatever new I do, I take a trip of it. Entirely immerse myself in the experience. Like that time when I went to Walmart to buy Magnums. Walmart is not my usual route, I took a trip to enjoy Walmart. I got my Magnums. Stopped to talk to the Latino guys outside who were selling fresh strawberries and cherries. They asked me while I was stepping in, and when I saw them again while stepping out, I couldn't say no. Inside Walmart I talked to multiple people about where to find Magnums and how to pay etc. Walmart was ancient, they didn't have G-pay or A-pay, I had to fetch a physical card.  

I Venmoed the Latino guys, got a whole box of strawberries and a bag of cherries. Cherries were for Maa, she loves cherries. The Latino guys used the same Venmo account, which belonged to their "boss". I was wondering how that worked, how they knew who sold how much. Basically, I bought from both of them because I just couldn't say no to either. Paid two times, but to the same Venmo account. Guess it's essentially a family business, with the "boss" most likely being their brother or cousin. 

I miss the Yemeni guys who work in the vegetable market in Hayward. I haven't visited there for months! Even after my parents returned to China, I grew accustomed to bulk-buying at Costco because there was always something to purchase for Maa - new shoes, pants, socks, hats, vitamins, creams, and many gifts to bring back to India. The vegetables and fruits are always so fresh in their market! The young guys work there; their uncle owns it. It's also a family business. I enjoy spending time getting to know their stories - how they ran away from Yemen and settled here, how many months/years they got stuck in which country; who are here with wife and kids; whose wife still back in Yemen; where they kids go to school to or why their kids don't go to school. I will surely go back for a visit before the end of June, when our summer trip starts. 

Finished the gift shopping for the coming trip. Filled two whole suitcases, one big one and one small, for a total of 45kg, all gifts, for London, China, and India. I can already imagine the happiness that people experience when they receive their gifts, especially in India. One time we spent Durga Puja in the village, and I prepared a whole suitcase of kids' stuff - nice toys, books, stationery, and candies/chocolates. The village kids crowded around me and politely took turns to get their gifts. They were sooooo happy, which made me sooooo happy. This time we'll spend a few days in the village again, because the new Shiva temple we funded to construct is almost done. Oh India, whenever we are there, we carry a loooot of cash and give it away to whoever helps us, drivers, carriers, guides, cleaners, cashiers, servers, you name it. The gratitude on people's faces was so sincere, a testament to the respect and cherishing they felt. 

A batch of kids, from the family helper's (leftmost) family, who lived in the village,
 arrived to get sweets, a tradition during Durga Puja or any Indian festival. 
Little did they know that they would get sweets, toys, and all kinds of stuff 😁
2018 October

After I purchased the whole box of strawberries, I drove back home. When I was exiting the highway, a man stood there with a sign. I drove past him, couldn't stop. So I drove forward and stopped the car at a parking lot, took out 3 baskets of strawberries from the total of 6, put them in a plastic bag, and drove back to the highway exit. I stopped my car on the side, rolled down my window, called the man, and gave him the bag. He was so happy. I wish I could do more, but sometimes I don't carry cash or a whole box of fresh strawberries! 

Raj told me when I was giving him massages last night, "You're free, you know. I read your blog, and I don't want you to feel that you're trapped here. I never wanted to chain you down, I was only afraid that you could get your heart broken. But if you want, you are free to love whoever you want in whatever way you want. Remember that I'm always here for you, you can always fall back." "Hmmmm, well, thank you. And ya, I was just in a bad mood, don't worry. I'll think about it later. I'm not in any rush lol!" 

Tuesday, June 17, 2025

Not me to blame

I am immensely boring when it comes to sex: I don't have any kinks, I don't like violence, I don't like to continuously choke and gag on cocks, I can't take too heavy of neck or chest choke, I don't want to eat or swallow it, not on my face neither. I also don't enjoy much dirty talk, either in person or online. 

I think my value in this business is that I do have a very fuckable body, nothing perfect because I'm getting old and I have no breasts, no long legs, no good proportion, or anything presentable like the girls on tv, movies or porns. Still, I am really tight, wet, and warm down there, like all Asian women. And I do enjoy sex, I can't help but respond to men's movements. 

Raj was telling me how he and this other Chinese woman (33 y/o young wife of a lawyer, 2 kids) were sending dirty messages to each other. I like her too, she is wild, fascinatingly wild. I also enjoyed chatting with her, sharing stories via text after we played. She loves violent sex, almost equivalent to rape. She loves being choked and pressed really hard. She can keep choking and gagging on cocks for hours nonstop and she loves men to cum on her face, in her mouth and she would love to swallow it. 

I am genuinely happy that Raj and she have a connection. I asked Raj, "Do you think you could fall in love with her? At least some feelings, so you want to go out on dates with her?" "No." "I'm really hoping you do, so I can finally go on too? Please keep an eye out for that?"

I am patiently waiting for that day to come, maybe years later, perhaps a whole decade, after my kids have gone to college. Hopefully, by then, there'll still be some guy out there whom I'm naturally attracted to, and he is attracted to me too, so I could go on regular dates with him to see if we could explore love together. Different kinds of love. I'd love to go watch movies with him, eat ice cream somewhere, go on hikes, even try a little camping or traveling together. He could be young, could be old, could be rich, could be poor. I have never measured men using societal measuring sticks, and I will stay the same. 

But Raj insists that he absolutely can't love anybody else, so ya, I'm not allowed to be open, for now. 

In this game we play, I have never looked for sex itself, unlike most people. That instantly put me at a disadvantage, I think. After the novelty wears off, there won't be connections left to find, because who wants complications and the burden of emotions? 

However, I am an extremely valuable asset in conventional settings: a fabulous wife to keep and the best mother anyone could imagine. I work hard for others. I take over the housework and labor on it for hours and hours. Every day, I spend 8 to 10 hours (when no grandparents are here to help) cooking three meals for everyone, cleaning dishes, wiping down all surfaces, washing and folding everybody's clothes, arranging the house, buying groceries, and driving the kids to various activities. I sacrifice my years, my youth, and my career so that others can have comfortable lives and healthy development. 

Meanwhile, I am exceptionally low-maintenance; I don't wear expensive makeup or clothes, and I don't really care about any of that, actually. Also, I am so confident and self-assured that I am drama-free. People like to take me traveling because I am surprisingly easygoing, and I am super fun. I always work for them: I clean and cook for people, I pack their luggage, and wash their dirty clothes. 

For Raj, he thinks I am super smart too, and he wants my opinions on various matters, especially when he needs to make crucial career decisions. 

Raj told me, "I am feeling so lucky to have you. You are so so so smart, usually women that smart and capable, they feel different. Especially as they grow older, they become stiff, uneasy, and unpleasant. But you never change, you stay soft and easygoing, you stay tolerant and helpful. Everything eventually comes down to how kind you are. You are so enormously warm and kindhearted, you never make anybody feel even a little bit unpleasant when you're around; on the contrary, everyone is so happy with you because you always make so much effort for all of them." 

See, what a fabulous asset to have. 

But the thing with assets is, under the framework of this world, the patriarchal world, assets are personal belongings; usually, men don't share them. They are considered property, should be owned privately, and owning private property is protected by law in a republic.

I didn't set up the world. I lack any sort of power to change how this world functions. So, I remain a valuable asset to my owner, for as long as my owner wishes to dispose, exchange, or trade me. Only he has the power; I don't.

Women do break out of this setup, such as single moms. I have so much respect for them. But in my circumstances, there's no reason for me to break out -- I have a loving husband who respects, values, and loves me tremendously. It's the best setup for my kids to grow up into healthy human beings. Our world is built around the family model of one father and one mother as the primary caregivers, and all social setups are derived from this concept. 

Monogamy (or polygyny) -- men, and their ownership of everything, right? Remember my writing in the artists' gathering at Noah-Leena's house? 

I didn't know anything else existed when I was young, and my parents really needed me to give them grandchildren, so I walked into this model, which was the only option for my entire life, and it remains so to this day. Men I know also respect this model, whether they agree or not. They would first respect other men's properties, set up boundaries, and then act within those limits. This world that's built by men sustains because the men in it generally are happy about the rules and setups and have no intention of change. 

So what is there for me to say? I get by day by day, in the meantime, for years, I have been ready to go. Yes, I do enjoy my life; everything couldn't be more perfect for me. But other than my children, this world doesn't give me much at all. Or, I don't have expectations from this world at all. I am simply surviving here so that I can raise my children and help them as much as possible. I am still here because I can't leave my kids behind. I also can't go before my parents. Then that's that, simple as it is. 

So funny, today I wrote a brief note before the full-length version of whatever I've written on my sci-fi novel, "The War", and set up the entry to automatically post on August 30th, in case I don't return after my summer trip to China and India. This should be something I do each time before taking a flight or traveling somewhere, especially for international trips. Not for anybody else, but for me -- I spent so much time writing my novel; I have to post it somehow, even if I'm gone. 

The funny part is, I felt absolutely nothing writing that post down. How psychopathic I am. Everything feels like a dream to me, and I can't wait to wake up from it. My parents are so scared of dying, and that always amuses, as well as puzzles me. If I know I am not leaving my kids behind, so they are not going to suffer from the loss of me, I would have zero hesitation to go. Happy as I always am. 

That's why it will eventually fall on my shoulders, the fight for justice and freedom. It's written in my fate. If it's not me, then who? Who is this hard-boned, psychopathic, and fearless like me? Personally, I don't know any! Most people are not ready to go. Too many attachments. But I have been walking a fine line of an ultimate loner for decades: left everything and eloped with an Indian to an entirely new country, was ostracized and punished by the entire Chinternet, stayed connected but highly solitary all these years. 

I let everyone in, but no one was truly let in.  

For that, I blame this world. 

Monday, June 16, 2025

为了自由 Baraye Liberty برای آزادی




为了在街巷中翩翩起舞
为了能亲吻所爱的人
为了你的妹妹
为了我的妹妹
为了我们的姐姐

为了改变落后腐蚀的思想
为了贫穷带来的耻辱
为了过正常的生活而感到的歉疚
为了垃圾桶边捡食的孩子和他们的希望
为了这个独裁者治下的经济

为了污浊的空气
为了瓦里亚瑟大街和那里凋败的树木
为了猎豹和它的灭种之灾
为了无辜的流浪狗

为了无穷尽的泪水
为了这一幕一次次重演
为了微笑的脸孔
为了学生们和他们的未来

为了这个强加于我们的“天堂”
为了被囚禁的精英们
为了阿富汗族的孩子们
为了所有的“为了”

为了毫无意义的口号
为了虚假的楼宇终将坍塌
为了心中的和平
为了漫漫长夜之后的阳光

为了焦虑和安眠药
为了男人、故土和欣欣向荣
为了那个想成为男孩的女孩
为了女人、生命和自由

为了自由
为了自由
为了自由

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

Nerdy presentation of current sci-fi writing & brainstorming

I write because I happily exist in this world, even though it's a world that does not belong to me. I continue to write as I live a full life, exploring and experiencing happy moments with people I like and people I love. But I don't have any expectations of humanity, or let's say, manity? If I ever find myself no longer happily living my life, I'll also stop writing. 

I write, definitely not to "achieve" anything, or "attract" any attention. Money? Fame? The most worthless notions fabricated by people with evil intentions. How shallow. How patriarchal. But most people blindly fall into it. How much of it will bring you fulfillment and contentment? There's no bottom in this abyss. 

I write because that's exactly how I think, and I just have to let it out. I don't give a rat's ear who would ever read it or what they would think about it. None of my business, isn't it?

I write, and my writing constantly evolves as my understanding of myself and my journey deepens and widens, as I move forward without looking back. 

I write, my imagination is flying wild in the boundless sky, but my roots are reaching deep and wide in the vast underground.  

I write, because I love. 

I write, because I'm living. 





This is the first time I have openly discussed my sci-fi novel "The War". The full shape of the story has only recently taken form in my mind, thanks to all the new people and experiences from the past few beautiful years. I don't think I could ever go back, but only to push forward. 

I will walk out my own path, which was, is, and will be different from anyone else's. Not only do I not look back, but I also don't look around. I focus on my own transcendence and enlightenment, as well as my own satisfaction and enjoyment. I owe this disappointing world nothing, not a dime. And I answer to no one, no one but me.

***

More nerdy sum-ups and inspirations from the discussion: 

1. If you wish to truly think out of the system, each term that ever exists in your vocabulary is questionable and redefinable. Considering connection as a resource and the possession of connection as a means to establish a hierarchy is a way of thinking within the system. 

2. I believe that on Earth, patriarchy brings about materialism, capitalism, and colonialism. Noah tried to remove the reliance on materials from the equation and see if that still leads to patriarchy. What I believe is that if taking materials out of the equation, we become the opposite side of the war in my novel, much higher in intelligence, but not carbon-based. I think the form of existence as Earthers is okay, the only problem is that patriarchy made materialism (unlimited exploitation of materials), capitalism, and colonialism inevitable, and that leads us to a bleak future. 

3. Under the influence of patriarchy, we are on a different path of technological and intellectual advancement. That's why we have absolutely no idea if, with a few thousand years of development, with women not completely being wiped out of the equation, what powers we could discover within ourselves. And what future path would lead humans into -- definitely not self-destruction and mass destruction.

Monday, June 9, 2025

Visas and all that shit!

Visas have always been a huge drama in our lives! Every time we wanted to travel anywhere, due to our Chinese and Indian passports, we had to apply for various visas and whatnot. It usually took us a whole month, sometimes 2 months of work! As a Chinese passport holder, I required an Indian visa to visit India, and subsequently, an American visa to return to the United States. For Raj, an Indian passport holder, he needed a Chinese visa to enter China and an American visa to return. 

Then the kids came, holding American passports, we acquired Chinese Travel Documents (citizenship for Chinese kids born overseas if the mother was on a visa but not a green card while giving birth) and Indian OCIs (Overseas Citizen of India = green card) for them, because they were considered Chinese and Indian citizens until they turned 18 years old. Then they have to make a choice about whether to retain their citizenship or not. Chinese Travel Documents are valid for 2 years each time, while Indian OCIs are valid for a lifetime. 

Things finally got a little easier after I successfully acquired Indian OCI, after 7 years of trying. It took me two applications. For the first application, they made me wait for 3 years, then told me I submitted to the wrong category. What fucking bullshit. Redtape Assholes. Because the relationship between our countries is bad, they don't give away OCI for Chinese people that easily. We didn't give up; we applied again. Each application costed $ 400-$ 500, by the way. Then, after three more years of waiting, they granted me OCI, because, hello, I'm legally married to an Indian citizen, okay?! Indian government stopped giving Chinese citizens regular tourist visas since last year or so, China-India relation has always been so shitty and it affected all of our lives. 

Now this time, (background music starting), I'm traveling as an American passport holder, and Raj too! Fuck yay! Due to a change in citizenship, I had to reapply for Indian OCI. It took us two months, but my OCI finally arrived yesterday. It lasts a lifetime, I will never need to apply for Indian visas anymore! Only Raj will go to India with a tourist visa this time, because he didn't get an American passport in time to apply for OCI himself, but I and the kids are OCI holders! 

Raj and I also applied for a Chinese tourist visa with our American passports. Damn, this morning Raj picked up our passports from the SF consulate and we got freaking 10-year visas! Both of us! Never experienced such privilege before, most probably the first time ever! 10-year visa to China??? Wow.... My kids, who are Chinese Travel Document holders, have to renew their documents every two years!  

And London, we are coming! Without any freaking visas!!! Fuck yay! Gods know how much money and time we spent during the last 18 years applying for Schengen visas, EU student permits, UK visas, and all that shit! Each year, the mental load it gave me! Ciao, tata, farewell, zaijianbusong! 

Raj owes me big on putting my occupation as "housewife".
He said it was the easiest way without requiring detailed information.
Oh well, then I shall always act like a proper housewife, shall we?



Us four now.



How we enter China



How we enter India



My son's three types of citizenship documents since birth



My daughter's three types of citizenship documents since birth 


Sunday, June 8, 2025

One last secret

"I have to tell you something. Can you sit down?"

Raj instantly looked scared. "What? What?! What are you going to tell me?!?" I've been putting him through a lot, as always, lol. All that he didn't want to know but has and needs to know, in the grace that I have been super open about everything with him. I kept pushing him up against the wall. The most frequent "inquiry" from me lately was - "Why can't we be in an open relationship so I can go out on normal dates?" I can feel each time I tried to push for a discussion, Raj's ass tightened, shoulders squeezed, hair stood and head exploded. "Men think very logically and pragmatically, okay? Our minds don't drift like yours. Especially you, born a princess, treated as one your whole life, never had to worry about a thing in your life. There will always be people who tidy everything up for you!"

"Don't worry. Do I ever put you in a bad position? Did you ever feel truly harmed by me in any way? Instead, most of the time it's me who gets hurt. Do I ever manipulate you, knowing how much power I have?"

"No, you never. And I love you so so so much..."

"Okay. Remember I told you how I rode with strangers on their motorbikes outside of a train station, I forgot where, in an East Coast town on a solo trip after UC Berkeley summer, they were black dudes, cute and sweet, offered to drop me off at my hotel, and I went with them? Remember how I got into another stranger's car outside of another train station in another East Coast town on the same solo trip, he was a sweet Vietnamese guy, offered to drop me off at my hotel, we chatted so much on the way, he gave me a wine bottle from his trunk at farewell and exchanged Facebook account with me, I still see his updates?"

"Yea, yea, you told me those stories. Why? What happened?"

"Oh nothing happened. I'm just trying to tell you, my heart has always been open." 

"Remember first I told you I was a virgin when you knew me, then I told you I lived with my first sexual partner for 2-3 weeks, then later I told you I actually lived with him for 2-3 months? Well, breaking my virginity was my sole purpose of being with him, as all of my Chinese and French friends knew and cheered for me. They were seriously worried about me as an 'extremely old virgin' and my French and international friends sincerely offered to help me with their, you know. You got the updates from that story, right? 2-3 months together but not 2-3 weeks, right? Traveled all around Brussels and France, learned from him how to make tomato eggs; he was having a girlfriend back in BJ, with whom he was cheating. But it was none of my business because he kinda forced me into having sex with him without full verbal consent in the first place, well, but I was in search of how to break my virginity without any experience, so it worked. He was gentle and sweet with me for the time we were together. I had a great spring; he planned all the travels. Later, when my article with you was all over the Chinese internet, he turned into a crazy person, accusing me of being a traitor to China, what a spoiled brat of a higher government official's offspring and all that?"

"Yea, I think I finally got the updated version after many years."

"Yes, you did. The version you have now is the most updated."

"What you trying to tell me now?"

"Well, what I'm trying to tell you is that I have always been adventurous and open."

"Yea, yea, I know."

 "Oh, remember I told you about my sweetheart Pat from Poland? We met online when I was in my second year at XMU. We met in person once in XM, which was a sweet day out in the romantic coastal city. Many years later, I traveled to Poland with him for five days, having stayed in France for a year, trying to decide if I wanted him to be my boyfriend. He is such a sweet and respectful person, and I still hold him in high regard. Five days of traveling around the whole country, he planned the entire trip, Warsaw, Krakow, coastal cities, I don't even know where we went, a big circle around the country. We walked around each city, visited beautiful museums, and he took me to watch movies, listen to live music, meet his friends, and drink in bars. He tried once but at that time I was still a virgin, waiting for 'the one', he never forced himself on me, having staying together in a same hotel room for five freaking days! Unbelievably respectful!"

"Yea, yea, you told me about it. So, anything you want to tell me today?"

"So that one solo trip I did in Italy. I walked all around in Rome, then Venice, and all those beautiful Italian cities all by myself, remember? I told you about an encounter in Rome? I almost got trapped by a fake film director?"

"Ya, you said you drank coffee with him and went away. What happened?"

"Well, there was more and I told Leena today, we laughed our asses off so I am updating you now."

"There was more? What happened? Why didn't you tell me?"

”Well, it was very embarrassing, alright? But now it's just funny. Lol!"

"Tell meeeeeeee!"

"So this middle-aged Italian man saw me, a tiny thin Chinese girl in flip-flops rolling a red suitcase all by myself. He told me that he was making a film and looking for actresses. He invited me for a coffee, so I went. We sat together outdoors, and many locals were eyeing us. He explained it to me in his broken Italian English, and my Chinese English was still quite poor at that time. But I understood he needed a 'doppelganger' of an Asian woman's role in his film. He said he already had the actress for the front, but he needed a 'doppelganger' to act as her back. He thought my back must be lovely."

"So?"

"So he said he needed to see my back in a private room."

"And you went with him?"

"Ya. Told you I have been and now still very open!"

"Where did you go with him?!?"

"A shady building, maybe it was his apartment or something. He led me there, asked me to leave my red suitcase on the first floor, and then locked it in a room. He then led me upstairs to his room, I think."

"Whaaaattt?!?"

"Ya, I went with him. He asked me to take off my clothes so he could see my back. I went to the bathroom and took off my top and pants, leaving only my underwear on, I think. Did I take off my undies too? I seriously don't remember anymore. I came back to his room naked only to find him lying in his bed, pantless, holding his thing and demanding me to eat it."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttt?!?!!?!?! What did you do then?"

"I was like, 'Oh fuuuuuuuuck!'"

"Oh, I think that 'oh fuck' was about an hour too late."

"Yea, exactly! I was like, 'Oh fuck, what the fuck I got myself into? I'm still a virgin, this must be the first raw penis I've ever seen besides my dad's.' Then I instantly turned into a monster. In my head, I was like, 'I saved myself for the 'one true love' for all these years, you think you deserve that???' I didn't panic, I pretended to be exceptionally calm, but I completely changed face, I started saying things about Gods remember what. I think that got him shit scared because he had never imagined to meet a true psychopath in that way. I was only 22, but I had been traveling around China with my family since I couldn't remember when. I had met some really dangerous people in my life when I was way younger than 22. I had ample experience and practice in mind-reading, face-changing, and role-acting kinds of self-protection and younger-sibling-protection skills. No matter what kind of criminal you are, you don't want to fight with a poisonous king cobra; she could single-handedly take down your whole operation. After about 2-3 minutes, he quickly put on his pants, while I went and put on my clothes. He then led me downstairs, retrieved my red suitcase, and let me go. No handshakes, no kisses."

"What the..... I am speechless! You are one crazy woman."

"Well.... Isn't that straight-up-to-ass hilarious now, after so many years?"

"So much could have happened to you! You could have been raped, even killed, or human trafficked!"

"Yup, I know. I could have been raped and murdered many many many times, considering all that wild shit I got myself into when I was solo doing all that stuff in all those foreign countries at such a young age. But hey, never! I only had fun and made life-long friends!"

"You are one crazy woman with the best luck!"

"Well, you can say that! And ya, this is the last secret I kept from you, of my time before meeting you." 

Friday, June 6, 2025

Getting assignment done!

Damn, that's so me.... on the condition that the assignment is something interests me. Then I would put all I got into it, spending hours and hours nonstop. I've always been a valuable asset to any team, hihi~ 

I think the only people who didn't feel that I was too valuable were the finance people. I really can't bring myself to like money, investment, and whatever else is involved in this field... How miserable I spent 6 years getting an undergrad and master's degree in finance. The good thing was that during my undergrad, I spent a lot of my time in the uni's editing house, joined various clubs, practiced piano, and performed. During my master's degree, I enjoyed exploring France and Europe!

Now I'm back into my nerdy phase, writing my sci-fi novel. Actually, I've never walked out of it! Working with prof since 2011, then got into raising children, all those educational books I went through, I was an absolute expert on it. Also, I was online for decades, making informational videos and all! Damn, I am a 100% nerd....🙈

Wednesday, June 4, 2025

Another story

He is special to me. 

Being close to him felt natural and comfortable. I couldn't help but crawl into his embrace and be entangled with him whenever I got a chance, and like one entity, we sank into and were entirely wrapped around the invisible web of music that we both loved. Raj is such an open-minded and kind human being; he was by our side, making it guilt-free and enjoyable. 

The music has always been magical whenever we were together, or, my feelings for him were easily enhanced by whatever music was there. The last time the three of us, in January, Raj started a one-song radio, and we made love listening to all the songs. Last night, too, we cuddled to infinity with the company of "In This Shirt" radio from YT music. I was only aware of this song since the day before yesterday. The last part of it has been used prevalently on social media, but I only recognized this song after it appeared on my radio. When I was in the hotel room alone, dressing up, I started a radio with this song, just to entertain myself. The vibe continued throughout the night.

I told him before, most probably it has already slipped out of his mind, that he was the only person I felt absolutely attracted to and had actual physical contact with. The words I didn't tell him were that he was my fantasy. I never got to be with my first love, but he stayed as my fantasy since my early teenage years. At first, I gradually realized how similar my guy felt to my first love - almost the same height, same body build, the way they walk, the way they move, the way they talk, so gently and softly, the way they bow and lean down, the way they look at me and into my eyes, are they clones or what; both of them have such beautiful and handsome faces, although from different races and features are entirely different, the kindness, tolerance and calmness they radiate, the feeling of ocean and sky are the same - that easily sparked my feelings for him, feelings that had been there from the moment I first laid my eyes on him. However, as we met more often, I found that the feelings I had were no longer related to my first love, but were only about him, simply because of who he was - he is indeed a gentle and kind human being, freaking smart, and fun too. I told him how I felt about him. He replied that he also felt a strong connection with me, he felt warmth towards me, and trusted my intentions. That kept me warm inside ever since.

I told him that each time we played, I felt drawn to him, I loved whenever he was inside me, in whatever way, and I was thrilled to have been granted such an experience. I am talking about an attraction level that is indescribably off the chart, something people write a whole classic novel about, when that turns into a love story, a novel that stays forever in time and deep in people's memories.

I want to breathe in all that is to him, absorbing whatever his eyes have seen and his mind has been. I want the gentle, wet caressing of his tongue on my lips to never stop, not even until my mind starts to scream. I want to grab his hair and fondle his ears when he's tasting and teasing the toy he so very desires and adores. I want to melt into him, I want him to sweat me all over when he is on top and inside of me, I want him and his cum to melt into me. I want to look into his eyes and tell him how madly in love I am with him. I want to hold his hands cross-fingered and rest in his arms, never to leave. I want to kiss him without control and suppression, and I want him to feel the urge to kiss me whenever he catches sight of me or a thought of me.

But "be in love" and "love" are utterly different concepts, aren't they? 

He doesn't know that I'm a writer, nor what kind of writing and reading I'm obsessed with; I never mentioned it to him, and he was never interested in inquiring. I have never had the chance to engage in lengthy conversations with him, sharing my imaginary world and all my wild theories. I have never had the opportunity to listen to his childhood stories and to hold, perhaps heal, whatever was inside him that needed love and care. I don't know any of his friends or family, and he doesn't know mine. He didn't even remember how I cum and how much I loved to cuddle too, just like him. He has not been in my life, and I have not been in his life. We have no ground to build a partnership, at least not at this current time and space, do we? I used to feel extremely sad about it. I sobbed whenever it crossed my mind. On some days, the thoughts of him never stopped. My heart tightens abruptly and jumps faster whenever that happens. 

This time we didn't say to each other "see you soon" or "let's plan it again", because that's just us, we don't know when we will be able to plan and meet again. Maybe soon, maybe in the fall or winter. 

I didn't cry. I thought I would, but I didn't. Proud of myself. The space was filled with intimacy and the natural comfort and pleasure that came with it, didn't give me room to feel sad. 

He was on his motorbike, riding past and ahead of us. Oh, how cool he was!! He has always been so cool, wearing a black leather jacket, black leather pants that were tight around the calves, and blackish-brown leather combat boots. His whole body leaned forward on his white-shouldered black motorbike, with a black leather backpack. He is definitely the coolest rider I've ever seen on the American highway; the level of coolness is absolutely incomparable, making me wet just by closing my eyes and picturing him on his bike. Sometimes I would get a little scared, though, worrying about and praying for his safety. And my guy always reminds me of how cool my first love was, after we've grewn up together from 9-year-olds and turned into young adults -- always in his sports attire and high top Jordan basketball shoes, walking perfectly up-straight with broad shoulders and thick arms, tall and solid, head up aiming for 3 points when girls screamed on the side; and when he was close to me, he would always gently lean forward or bend down to give me respect and full attention, while his friends teased warmly how tiny I was compared to him. No matter how tough and serious he looked to the others, to me, he instantly turned into a giant cloud of marshmallow. However, we didn't really spend time together, only "accidentally" ran into each other from time to time.

When he was ahead of us, my guy blinked his rear lights, pushed on the gas pedal, and made some loud engine sounds. Then he started to swirl the bike in the shape of infinity, left and right, left and right, five times. Raj and I laughed warmly at the sight of it. I rolled down my window and shouted ahead, "Hello, handsome!" He turned on the right-turn indicator, his bike turned right, and at the moment of disappearing out of our sight, I yelled out of my window, "Bye!" Our car pulled up a little more, saw him again in the distance, left indicator on, turning left onto the highway to SF, while our car moved straight ahead, southbound. At that moment, I knew I wanted him to be in my life, however way it could be, and I knew I could never say goodbye to him, not just yet. The next day, he wrote to us, "Have a great trip and safe journey home." Referring to our summer trip to India, China, and the UK. Yes, baby, I'll be coming back home to you. 😘

【PS: I have absolutely no idea why, after the night with him, I often feel a whole week of soreness inside, no bleeding, just sore. I wouldn't feel anything while in the action, cause I was so wet and it felt so good to have him inside, but the next whole week I would be in pain. Last night I was riding him, and today I can't even walk; I have to hold my abdomen the whole time, and I am in so much pain! All of the guys I play with are as massive as him, but somehow he often reaches somewhere new and is unfamiliar to my body. I want to tell him and ask him, "Baby, what did you do to me?"😭😭】

Sunday, June 1, 2025

My parents are crazy!


I had no idea about these countries, I mean, they were not on my radar. Raj knows all about the history, and he is giving me a comprehensive class on them. My parents told me they are going to Europe, and then I realized it's these four countries. They arrived in Serbia yesterday, were handed a Wi-Fi device each, and will have Wi-Fi throughout the trip. More countries in the world have started issuing visas on arrival to Chinese citizens, leading many tourism companies to pick up the business of organizing groups traveling to various parts of the world. My parents are on an organized tour with 30 other Chinese citizens right now. 

Raj and Leena said, "They missed the best country, Coatia." I was like, "They have no freaking clue what that was and what they missed." Perhaps Coatia is not a visa-on-arrival destination for Chinese citizens, or it may be a special tour arranged by the tour companies in this manner. They can go next time!

My parents have traveled to Egypt, the UAE, Israel, and Jordan (as well as Mexico, Canada, many Western European and Asian countries), I mean, hello, I have never been to these countries! Chinese tourism companies are crazy. Chinese people are crazy, in a good way, in this sense. They love to travel around the world! The next time my parents will be visiting some African countries, they've been talking about it. I think more African tours are maturing in China nowadays, so they can have great options. I mean, hello, we want to go to Africa, but we've never had the chance! And my dad also wants to go to the South Pole. There are many tours that they can sign up for, and they are eyeing them. 

They are definitely living their lives! 

Friday, May 30, 2025

Ashamed


For a long while, I didn't know how to react or which side to pick.

I cried for the children on both sides; they don't deserve any of this.

For a long while, I didn't go with my Berkeley friends to the street,

didn't wear the T-shirt that reads "From the river to the sea".

But I respected and admired my friends who were adamant and vocal.

 Now, the picture is entirely different,

and everything has gone out of control.

At this point,

how can we still remain silent???

All of them are dying; they are being genocided.

The children are murdered one by one.

The babies are starved into skeletons.

They are slowly being wiped out from the face of Earth.

How can we carry on our lives as if nothing is happening?

Aren't we ashamed of ourselves?

We are all culprits, living in a time when genocide is happening, 

and we did nothing about it!!!

We did nothing about it!!!





Thursday, May 29, 2025

Our story

"...with detailed descriptions about the past events..." "What? You've been writing about the events? In a secret site?" "Yes, I never stopped writing. And no, it's not on a secret site, well, anymore." "What?! Where?" "Well. You know where, you just haven't been there for years." "What? Nooo! You stopped updating your blog years ago, no?" "Who told you that? I have never stopped. Writing is my life." 

I don't admire the character in "Sex and the City" in any sense, and no, I have no intention of making my blog a popular sex blog. It has been a process, a necessary step, a liberating move, to openly write about my other world and post it here. It's part of my journey, and it's part of me. At the end of the day, it's just a woman's personal diary; whoever reads it is at her grace. She is being kind and generous to share her journey with them. 

I have been writing about our extravagant events in this public blog for almost a month now, and I have been aware that it's my responsibility to inform Raj about it. So when he took me out last night to celebrate the 17th anniversary of our first meet-up, I told him about it. 

"Whose fault is that? You stopped coming to my blog to read, okay? I sent you links, I wanted your opinions, but you didn't have time for me. So I got used to it and stopped involving you. My blog has always been here. Nothing has changed. I have stood my ground."  

Raj is happy for me and excited to read all at once. He knew all that happened; he was informed by me about my feelings and emotions. We have nothing to hide from each other, and we also decided that we have nothing to hide from the world. We proudly stand by our choices and actions, together. 

"I feel so in love with you. I am swept by your confidence and courage, it's so absolutely enticing and charming!" That's about the summary of Raj's reaction after he spent hours reading through my recent entries while waiting for me to finish my music rehearsal after dining out.  

He only had one concern: "Don't reveal our friends' (who appeared in my sex events) identity." Ya, for sure! Their secrets are safe with me! Our sexual partners who eventually become our friends, too, I would protect them! "Other than that, ha, I am so proud of you for having the courage to live this life and unapologetically being you." "Ya, so if one day some friends or people come up to you showing you my blog, reply to them proudly, 'Oh, you are also a fan of my wife?? Good for you!! I have been her fan since the very beginning! She writes well, right? Do you like our stories? We live a fabulous life, don't we?' And when our kids grow up, say 25 years old, that's the time when things could possibly go off, in my estimation, they read our stories from my blog, they would be freaking proud of us! Cheering and clapping for us." 

I genuinely don't think people in today's world have the humility and patience to come to my blog and read. But juicy stuff like what I have been writing for the past month? It's an entirely different story. It has the potential to go off and explode one day, if stuff like that keeps coming this way. And talking about being in the center or being the cause of explosions, that's me, it's written in my fate and stars. Wherever I go, in China, France, or America, using Chinese, English, or French, no matter what I do, things would go off when the time comes. I can't let that stop me or alter what I want to do with my life.

Raj then spent more hours today reading through many old entries. "You stopped writing around 2015, 2016, alright? Only 2, 3 posts per year. That's why I assumed you would never write blogs anymore. I've been on all the platforms of your social media accounts, used to read your writings on the old YouTube account's Community section, your FB, Insta, Twitter..." "Ya.... 2015, 2016... that was the time when I completely lost myself because of motherhood. I didn't have time for anything else except raising the children. But I've gotten things back slowly, especially over the past four or five years. I sent you links to read the letters I wrote to kids, no? You were so busy and didn't get to do it, multiple times, hence I let you off the hook." "Ya, you are such an interesting person. I love you to the core. I am so in love with you. Your writings... it has always been so fascinating, you would write about all that random stuff in your mind, your random thoughts, so beautiful... From your 'First English blog' to today, you are still you, the way you think, your attitude, nothing much has changed, but your English has gotten really good, very smooth now. Oh, oh, and those 'Conversations', lol, they are so funny! You basically were expressing what was on your mind in a monologue style, and I was just doing 'ah' 'oh' 'ya' 'right'... Hahahaha!"

I have never doubted that Raj would be on my side on anything I do, alright? Any wild things humans can imagine in today's society. It's only been a year since Raj finally started his own company, having the leisure of a relaxed and free mind, and the flexibility of time. Now that I have begun intensive writing about our exciting affairs, it's about time that Raj knows about it. And guess what, he absolutely loved the writings on the recent affairs and the fact that they were on my public blog, which was locatable. 

And ya, this is us. This is our story and legacy. 



Tuesday, May 27, 2025

Friday night

They happen to live in the same city as us, husband 44, wife 48, no children. Raj has been taking over the app lately and connected with them there. The previous Sunday, we met over brunch in our city village and talked nicely for two hours. I had a great chat with K, the wife. She was such a sweet woman, respectful, open-minded, kind, and warm. She holds a graduate degree in the History of Art from Columbia and has been working in this field for her entire life. 

Like most of us, she had been conditioned to accept a monogamous marriage as the default, but her husband, M, had always been in a sort of open relationship before meeting her. Out of love for him, she is now open to exploring, although she hadn't done much at all, only a three-way with one other woman. While M has kept two or three different partners over the years. They met around eight years ago, and since their first date, they've been inseparable; both knew they had found the person of their lives. 

Obviously, we had a great vibe during brunch. I talked about various issues: my story of being brainwashed, deconstructing and reconstructing myself over the course of 15 years; autocracy, political censorship and how it works, feasting on people's fear; monogamy is a man-made patriarchal societal construct, its sole purpose has been taking control over women's wombs and keeping them under men; patriarchy uses a set of language to exert power over women etc. She was pretty delighted conversing with me, "Oh ya, I have been trying to unburden myself from all that conditioning, such as jealousy a partner felt in a monogamy relationship. It all makes sense now, thank you for connecting all the dots for me!"

Since the brunch, the four of us have been in a group text chat, planning our first night out. It would be her first four-way. They invited us over to their house, which was merely 10 minutes away from ours. 

We arrived there Friday night at 8:30, a nice neighborhood with well-watered front lawns and fancy house lights. They were both at the door to receive us, we took off our shoes, and their house was neat and clean. One time I was telling my 20 y/o interest about what turned me on, "I like the guys being really, really clean, it turns me on. I like them to smell good. I like them to be clean and well-maintained, of course, that's on top of being respectful and kind. And I like how smart you are, it turns me on too." We have been invited to seven other (non-vanilla) houses before, including two single guys, four other couples, and one single woman. Surprisingly, the experiences at the single guys' and the couples' were excellent, with clean and well-arranged spaces, but the single woman's was a mess. There were breadcrumbs on her bed, she had a dusty box with all kinds of random toys and tools thrown in, and she didn't wash her toys after playing. Even today, after almost three years, we are still aghast when discussing it.

K and M's house was extremely pleasant. The floor was comfortable to walk on barefoot, as if it had just been mopped and vacuumed. That's how I keep my house at all times, even when my ACL was broken or I was just out of a gallbladder removal surgery. I've been to homes that are not so clean, you can avoid eating or sitting there, but you can't avoid walking on the floor. If there were dust, crumbs, or hair on the floor and at the corners, or if the floor surface was sticky, I would get goosebumps all over my body and be grossed out the entire time. Once I was in this new mommy friend's apartment, and she had a layer of hair and dust on the floor, I think I had consistent nightmares about it for the following three months. 

Because K works in the arts, their taste in interior design and decoration is exceptional. We examined all the art pieces hanging on their walls and went through all the exquisitely displayed objects on the table. I had genuine interest and appreciation for all of them, especially the pocket watches from M's great-great-great-grandfather, which were over 120 years old. They were kept in custom-made glass stands. M took them out and opened different delicate layers; they were in excellent condition and were still functioning well. Since M had no children, he would pass them to his nieces once they grew up. 

M usually sleeps early, by 9, he would be passed out, since he wakes up at 5 almost every day. But on Friday, he was determined to stay up. He had drunk three cups of coffee by 9. We all laughed delightedly at that. M was wearing a blue T-shirt that had "Three some" written on it. K said he had a good collection of those. The blue T-shirt was worn over a pair of transparent rainbow-colored beach pants, allowing the see-through underwear to be visible. It was pretty cute, to be honest. 

Earlier during our text exchange, K did mention that she was "demi", she needed a lot of familiarity and intimacy before penetration, which meant that there would not be much action down there for her, but ya, we would see. Raj had called me right after the text arrived. I explained the concept of "demi" to him, and he also conducted some research on it. While I was laughing at Raj, neither of us truly minded; we appreciated her honesty and would have loved to just hang out and build some friendship and intimacy anyway. K's attire reflected what she had in mind: black patterned yoga pants and a regular blouse, while I was in my ready-to-be-ripped-off see-through tight dress. In the world of patriarchy, free women are a rare find. Free, as well as attractive, kind, and warm - a near impossibility. Hence, we happily take in any woman who is strong enough to reach this far. 

After admiring all the art pieces in the house, we moved to their garage, where M had a whole weed operation going on. It was like in the movies, those greenhouses that harvest weeds. I inspected the two growing plants inside the zippable chambers, which are under bright white lights. The lights are on at night but off during the day to conserve energy. Next to them was a drying machine that allowed you to set the temperature and moisture level at specific times, enabling the leaves to be prepared. M also had a whole filtering system where he would make his own jelly and cream. He started explaining how the complicated filtering machine works while preparing a hookah-like smoke for us. "What are those containers for?" "Oh, these are substances to fertilize the... See, the soils are... and that's why the plants need..." 

I didn't understand a word he said, or they simply stopped registering in my mind anymore. Instead, I was feeling wet. When a man starts getting into his man-cave mode, showing me what he is obsessed with, what he has intensely been working on or building on, using all those technical terms that I have absolutely no idea of, I get wet. "Oh, what's your major in undergrad?" "I didn't go to college, I directly went to helicopter flying school, remember?" "Ya, he is that kind of person who doesn't need a degree. He is so freaking smart, whatever he is interested in, he will learn it by himself and be better than anybody else." K added in a loving and admiring tone. Oh right, M went to a helicopter flying school when he was 15 or 16, was a helicopter pilot for 10-20 years, then became an aerospace engineer. He learns everything on his own, and he excels in the arts, photography, and engineering. More, obviously, wait for me to uncover. Yes, smart guys, get me wet each and every time. 

While I was quietly getting wet, inspecting all the neatly kept glass containers, I also realized that M was at least 6'1" with a nice body build. Not as fit as all four of my single guys, a little bit of belly, but fit enough to be married at the age of 44. What's with the above 6 feet and me? I swear I don't have a thing for a man's height at all, but somehow, the most compatible ones for me are all over 6 feet. My first love was 6, which is why I easily fall in love with guys who resemble him. However, the resemblance should be a comprehensive package: body build, facial hair, the way they move and talk, and the way they look into my eyes. The guy I was in love with perfectly resembled my first love, in every way: the way he talked and moved, the way he whispered in my ear, his voice and tone, the way he looked into my eyes, ahh, the way he looked into my eyes...his clean-shaven face, his smooth skin, how he felt in my hands, his body build, and last, his height, 5'11. So see, I don't have a thing for a man's height, the number itself doesn't mean anything. 

They really wanted to sit outside in their garden for a while, so we went. What a heavenly little garden! A small patch of grass surrounded by fruit plants in pots, at the center of the grass was a set of cozy sofas under a grass-roofed wooden canopy. Ivy and flowers hang from the roof, covering the four sides. After their wedding, they thought to themselves, "Why did we have our wedding ceremony in the other venue? We could just have it here in our own backyard!" With all the hanging ivy and flowers, it did feel like a perfect little wedding arbor. 

They brought out thick blankets and furry robes. M put on his own, while I put on K's. They said their friend, who was an artist, had handmade these robes. They helped cut, sew, and fill up the inner with cotton. Those two robes came with matching furry cat ears; they demonstrated how to purr and hiss. M kept calling K his "kitty cat". This couple is so absolutely adorable; most importantly, they are in a stable relationship where they respect and love each other. With years of experience, we have found that only when two people genuinely care for each other and prioritize the other's needs do they provide the best experience when meeting with us.  

It would be K's first four-way; we three all naturally put her in the center of the experience. The smartest thing to do: only if she were provided a fulfilling experience, she would agree to go back to it. We sat together on the sofa for a while, with M and I in the center, K and Raj on opposite sides. M was clever cause he didn't make a move on me at all while sitting next to me. We maintained a very decent conversational flow among the four of us. We talked about gardening, arts, fruit trees, and all kinds of random stuff, with respect and warmth. Instead of me, M's hands were stretched out on Raj's shoulder, massaging and rubbing him.  

Eventually, we moved indoors. M directed us to enter the door to his bedroom. They had separate bedrooms since K couldn't tolerate M's nighttime noise. M's bedroom was immaculate too; things were arranged neatly, including the closet, the clothes were tidily folded. We were invited to his bed. A clean space, bedsheets and blankets felt fresh. M started music from his working station opposite his bed with two big screens and some could-be-interesting objects on the table. His taste in music is similar to mine; those beats and sounds were what I would love to dig out from the vast internet. He said it was an auto-play from Spotify. 

For the next entire hour, we four were lying in M's bed, having the most advanced foreplay I've ever experienced. K and I were in the middle. At first, Raj was behind me, M was behind K. At some point, they switched, so M was behind me and Raj was behind K. K and I were touching each other, trying out kisses too. I made efforts on kissing her lips, caressing her body, and later on moved to fondling her breasts and nipping her nipples. I would compliment how pretty she was, how sweet she tasted, and how soft, as well as firm, her body felt in my hands. At the same time, the two guys were working on us. M had a collection of different fabrics, each with its own unique texture: some were furry, some feathery, some silky, and some ropy. He used each one of them to run through my entire body. He took the sweet time to conduct this foreplay that we were entirely unfamiliar with: endless intimacy and stimulation. 

Whenever K went to the restroom or changed clothes, the two guys would work on me together. Because M was experienced and patiently took the time to warm me up, Raj did the same. He has always been a quick learner, and each play adds more experience and skills. They took turns eating me. I love a different approach each time from various men and women, that's the point of this exploration, no? I loved how M gently ate me for 20 to 30 minutes nonstop, and he added his fingers later. Many women would cum with fingering. Therefore, a lot of men love to try to make us cum with their fingers. But I can never. As a matter of fact, most men's hands move too fast and too roughly for me. I can't take it, I always push their hands away. M was gentle enough, stimulating too, and made me moan a little. He had been working hard to try to make me cum, but Raj told him I would need a lot of penetration to achieve that.

The four of us were all thoughtful and intelligent enough to understand and practice proper rotations. We were dividing our attentions among the other three so nobody would feel left out. This was by far the best four-way experience Raj and I have ever had. 

While M was giving love and attention to his beloved wife, Raj was loving me as well as trying to make me cum. I was stimulated enough during the foreplay, and cumming was very easy. I screamed for a whole thirty seconds. M and K were utterly amazed by it. They had never seen a woman cum so intensely, it was fulfilling for them to witness. "Tomorrow, our neighbors will give us the look indicating that we had a lot of sex last night and they heard it." "Oh ya, I'm pretty sure our neighbors can hear us every night even though our houses are spread out." "I want you to train me and one day I also want to cum like that!" 

Although there was no penetration for K, Raj and she had quality time bonding. "She is a passionate kisser. She kissed me intensely, and she loved it. She was dripping wet, and I felt it with her pants on." Later on, Raj told me. I am glad, and hopefully, one day she will feel ready. With M's fingers and tongue getting inside of me deeper, my legs were open wider and wider, and I was yearning for more. I gave M head to get him ready. Raj had been training me to give head, "Most of the time, it's not about the depth, but the suction." With M's hand gently pushing a little, I was sure I gave a pretty good head for him. At some point when K was out of the room, I was holding both of the men's, one in each hand, stroking and fondling with both. The two were the exact same size, and it was pronounced when they were put side by side like that. The two men were lying head to head next to each other, enjoying being pampered by the same woman at the same time. They were also showing affection for each other by massaging and caressing, as well as kissing. 

Then M was in me for the next entire hour. I had spotting, but he didn't care. He ate me for a long time, fingered me nonstop, and finally, he was in me. In a way that nobody would feel left out, or feel that we two were having too much fun. Penetration is my favorite; nothing compares. All that other stuff was merely foreplay for me. For men, too, I bet. M is hung, I didn't know until I knew. The 8 inches of fullness in me, with their big and strong body so close to mine, holding, hugging, kissing, and loving me, heaven. The way M was with me felt like making love, and that's my absolute favorite. Every time, good sex like this reminds me how much I love sex and how good it feels. Raj said women who truly enjoy sex, in an utterly nonapologetic and free way, were extremely rare, and absolutely precious. I am one of them. 

M wanted me to cum again, he wanted to be inside of me while I cum, so he can feel it. He was using his fingers to help, but I did need my vibrator. We were left alone in M's room for another half an hour, so eventually M gave in and finished himself. Gentlemen always would ask me right before cumming, "Can I cum?" "Ya sure!" They all wore protection, and I already cum, of course they can use my body to cum. He waited for me to recover, kissed and rubbed my back until he reminded me to join the other two outside. To be honest, I love men who are in stable relationships with their partners the most, because they know how to love us, they have the patience and skills. 

Yup, this was our Friday night, and I do hope K loved the experience, so we will have more adventures with them in the future ;)




Friday, May 23, 2025

Thursday afternoon

I'm still a little disgusted by the memory of that guy's whole mouth in mine, his tongue all over mine. It also comes with his body odor, that strong smell coming from his entire body, head to toe. I knew Thursday afternoon was going to be bad. Of course, I knew, I knew it the moment I finished scanning his figure right after he walked into that Panera. But I sucked it up, because this Indian has so much time that he gets many random women to bring to the table. And he does make an effort, for example, he drove more than one hour to meet us, while it was only 15 minutes away from our house. The good thing is, Raj also couldn't take the smell, his tolerance level is lower than mine in anything, to be honest; so whenever Raj decides that it's not worth it, no matter who he can bring with, I will already be clapping my hands, nodding my head and leading the way, "Let's get the fuck outta here."

His figure is not too bad at all, tall, 6'1, some belly, slightly on the chubby side, very handsome face. But the fact that he is not 100% fit with no extra fat, disqualifies him in all senses, well, for me. What can I say, I'm a spoiled brat. I'm used to all muscles, but no fat at all. He was like, "You have the most beautiful eyes. When I saw your profile, I didn't notice anything else, except your eyes, bla bla bla." Ya, man, you are just that lazy to read through my profile. Sexy eye my ass. He would spend extended time gazing into my eyes while complimenting them. I would happily accept the challenge and gaze back into his eyes, for as long as his eyes were on mine. I have absolutely no shyness for random people like him. I was listening to his bla bla bla and laughing in my head, "So much bullshit, man, you drama queen, thinking yourself to be so skilled and superior at this game of getting women. Well, as long as you bring along women, I fucking suck up for anything. Sexy eye my ass, as if you could fuck my eyes. I have never met a man who would be satisfied by looking into my eyes. Unless, unless you can't do it, lol. Maybe you are like that? I bet you are like that! Based on my experience with Indians! Thinking you could use your eyes to trap me. Who the fuck you think you are? Tom Cruise? And who the fuck you think I am? 13-year-old virgin? Lol."

He is married to a beautiful Indian wife, works in IT, and works from home, so he has plenty of time to play around. He and his wife are in a kinda open relationship. His wife is fucking her boss several times a week, like a boyfriend in an affair, and he has a list of 6, 7 women. Most of them are wives who are fucking behind husbands' back. He would be called upon when husbands are traveling. He picked up all those women from app, or randomly in the street. He would look into random women's eyes and make a connection, lol! He does have a handsome and pleasing face, and he is tall too. One wife he met in a restaurant, then again the next day in Costco, so they exchanged phone numbers. I salute his selfless services. I mean, I do get such people a lot while walking around, in Costco or Safeway or wherever, but will I accept any of them? Absolutely no. I fucking run away. I need a channel to pick whoever I want from hundreds, maybe thousands, of applicants. I need them to write a good description, I need an online vibe check, then an in-person vibe check, and then negative test results to proceed with any form of play. I. am. not. desperate.   
 
He said, "I am a Gujarati; my dad owns a hotel. Look, that's my new BMW." I was laughing my ass off, had never met a person so deeply stuck in his own shit and the stinky worldly turds, "Ya ya, get out of here, as if I don't live among millionaires and billionaires. All I have been seeing and hearing all day is people with money, a loooooot of money, out of your imagination, man." 

He doesn't use his real name or phone number. He booked the hotel for Thursday afternoon, but only received cash from us. More than being annoyed, Raj and I felt super funny about this behavior. Seriously, how high does he think about himself? Papa owns a hotel and maintains a pious image of the family, so he should protect it with all he can? In such a family business, reputation and image are everything! Then be a good boy and stop fucknig around! Lol! Raj and I discussed this hundreds of times, and we. do. not. give. a. fuck. We do not give a fuck if my nude photos and videos are everywhere in the dark web or white web, we do not give a fuck if all of our friends and family and acquaintances and people in business know everything about it, because Raj and I are together, we are a team, we are simply enjoying our life journey together with love and respect to each other and to all the people who we exchange body fluid with. Who do the others think they are? Lol, want to join us? Maybe just watch? Lol! 

As predicted, he tried to chat (groom) with me online. I have absolutely not even one minute or an inch of patience for you, maaan. Please save it for other wives still trapped in their picture-perfect marriages. I mean, the patriarchal society is the ultimate culprit for the unlimited amount of unhappiness. Still, some women are genuinely free and hard-boned, like me, who dare to exist and live however we want, out of your imagination, obviously. So, ya, there's no point in trying to match up to people like me. 





The woman this Indian guy arranged for Thursday afternoon is a white woman in her late 50s. She has been married to a black woman for over 20 years, but started exploring recently. Before marriage, she had had sex with men; she is more bisexual than a lesbian. Raj loves older women, so it will work out just fine. She met this Indian one and a half months ago, and they have been playing together, just the two of them. This would be the first time she has ever been with more than one person in bed. 

We were 15-20 minutes late because of the kids' classes. The time all four of us had was Thursday afternoon from 3ish to 6ish. For us, it's actually from 4:30 to 7:30. We arrived at around 4:20. The woman seemed very nice, open-minded, chill, and attractive in the sense of a very well-maintained figure. Turned out she swims 4-5 times a week. 

I'm always the most relaxed and chilled, and if you start hearing me bragging about the guys I have been with, you would know that I don't like you that much, or I don't really care about your opinions at all, if you are a man. Well, that's about most men I met, with minimal exceptions. Ya, I started bragging about the guys I have, the young ones. "Ya, 22, 26, 20. Yup, the youngest is 20. Well, what can I say? I like the young ones, they won't stop, hahahah!" "But her best are the mid-30s." Raj added. "Ya, exactly, my best are mid-30s. Because they are mature enough and most of the time better maintained, because they are financially better off! My friends have been telling me that I'm doing a great service in raising the younger generations hahahha!" 

Hence, the mood was made. Raj went ahead smoothly. She hasn't had a penetrational style of sex for more than 20 years; she couldn't take that much, but it was okay for a while. But this guy, lol, this guy couldn't. He said it was because of my spotting (IUD). Well, whatever you say. I was like, "Yaa, of course, no worries! Although none of my guys mind this, sometimes they make a crime scene out of it, lol." I was delighted he couldn't, because his thing for me was almost nonexistent, plus I was merely sucking it up so my husband would be happy and would support my other endeavors. During our first in-person vibe check, he showed us a photo, bragging about his thing. In my mind, I was like, "Dude, do you know how many thousands of them I have seen before? I used to receive hundreds per day. And they don't mean nothing! Unless you say it out loud, the length, etc, sending me a photo means absolutely nothing. Anybody with a 3 could take a photo like that." Then he stayed no more than 1-1.5 without being hard the whole time. I was like, "Wow, this is what it's like to be in that category. I am entirely unfamiliar with this! All I have seen, for my whole life, before this adventure, is a giant. And now, I have only seen more in this adventure, but not less. The guys who matched up to my husband's, they called themselves bulls, well-endowed, hung. The guys I happened to keep are all in this category. But you know what, it's not about the size, it's never about the size, but about your dad's hotel, your new BMW, your heritage from your dad, and your eye-talk. On the contrary, men really don't care about women's sizes, because there are so many places in our bodies that they can get in, and their minds are laser-focused on getting in. But until the day you see men systemically discriminated and wholeheartedly humiliated because of their things, exactly like how women are bullied and humiliated because of our bodies, we are still very much living in a patriarchy. In a society that is not patriarchal, men with insignificant things would be deselected over time and naturally die out, all men standing today would have ginormous possessions. But you will be just fine, dude, with your dad's hotel, your new BMW, your Y chromosome in DNA, you will be just fine, getting whoever you want and waving your thing on the faces of whoever you want, with sexy eyes." 

Raj took a long shower because of the smell this guy's body produced. I don't think Raj could take it many more times. He said, "You know, in my family, we don't have this gene; it's widespread in India, for sure, but luckily not among our family." I was like, "Oh sure... I'm not sure if I could take it; maybe love would conquer everything?! lol..." He was like, "And you know what, in my family, we also have huge ones, it's in the genes. I've seen all my cousins in the village; everybody has a giant!" "Oh, really? Hmmm..." I just couldn't stop laughing in the car, seeing a frustrated but proud Raj. 

Will there be a next time with this guy and one of his women? Only Raj will decide, lol!

How I looked in a hotel with Raj. 
People must have thought this guy got a hot young one from somewhere, 
behind his wife's back.
People must have wondered how much I charged for head vs full service.
People always overthink and miss the point, 
and I always enjoy their wild imaginations, lol!