The real real New Year's resolution

The last night of 2024, 10pm, alone in bed, Dr. Noam Chomsky's speech on TV, Raj in flight to India, kids in Sony's house for sleepover and New Year dance, Noah went back home, Leena in London, parents next room. 

Friends and Noah were over to celebrate me getting into the 40s. I tell all, "40 is the new 20!" Raj was feeling sad that he couldn't be home with me for the New Year countdown and my New Year 40th birthday. He had something special planned earlier. But on December 31st at noon in America, China entered the New Year already :)   

Finally, gearing up various ideas of philosophers across the timeline "to help spin the wheel," as Noah put it. Like Noah, Immaut use any existing philosophical theories because my imaginary world is just that different from this world. But indeed, getting into philosophers' minds does help spin my own. 

Since Noah started full-time filmmaking, Leena has been asking me to work with him, like reading, discussing, and brainstorming together. It's so strange that for all these years, except one time I've discussed a little about literature with Noah one-on-one, individually, we have rarely had exchanges. Our discussion was always in a group setting.

Therefore, he didn't know what the sci-fi theory was in my mind until today. He has been deep in the philosophers' world, and I'm relying on him to refer to theories that could, most probably remotely, relate to my imaginary world. Usually, he would list 2-3 philosophers or specific theories within a minute, no matter what topic we were on. Not about my world, though. People on Earth haven't thought about it the way I did. But my world makes sense, doesn't it? Obviously, it does! It's imaginary, I can imagine it however I want. The challenge is putting everything together and using the language people here understand. 

Not sure what help I could provide to Noah for his filmmaking, but he surely knows waaaaaay much more to help me gain perspectives! Mostly, I'm just gonna buy him coffee or lunch or cook for him in exchange for information, haha!  

We also talked about making my novel into a sci-fi movie, say in five years, I could finish writing, and he would gain recognition and get funding. Maybe I could never even find a publisher to publish my book but only do self-publishing, and somehow we get enough funds because of Noah's fabulous presentation and eventually make it into a successful movie, and then finally, people get to know my work! Sounds like a standard K-drama! (>_<)  

Guess now I have an updated version of New Year's resolution: together with Noah, working on our respective art projects - his films and my writings. Keep our minds connected and try to help each other out! 

Here we come, 2025! 

My story

Raj won't be with me on New Year's Eve, which is my 40th birthday night. His older uncle passed away, to ensure Raj is home for the 10th-day ceremony, he will be flying off to India at that time. Hence, Raj wanted to go out with me before that, even though I was so tired from all sorts of events. 

All these years, I don't know if Raj molded me more or if I molded Raj more. Raj is an extrovert throughout; I am half extrovert, half introvert. But when I'm with Raj, with his full-force power on, I do not have time or energy left to be reserved; I do not have the resources left to be an introvert. 

 

I enjoy being Raj's girl, wild and energetic, and never miss any endeavor. Life with him is filled with fun and adventures, always planning on some exciting sneak-aways, sneaking away from life's mundaneness. 

We talk and talk and talk, from sunset to sunrise, sunrise to sunset. He knows how to wait me out, all the raw emotions, the confusion, and the explosion. "Nothing is more fun to do in life than being with you and watching you go through the journey. You opened me up as I opened you up. You have all the freedom to do whatever your heart desires. Just promise you will always include me but never leave me out."  

I don't mind being someone's girl, it doesn't make me less myself, it's part of my journey. 

In this journey, I desire to explore what's out there in the world, known and unknown; I want to have the experience ordinary people don't have the imagination for. I also desire to look inward and understand who I am and what makes me feel content and complete. 

But above all, in this journey, I want to be free. Free to love and free to give. Free and unhesitant to answer to myself. 

I have broken out the chains from different layers of society, and I have broken the chains with all the relationships I have established with the people I keep around, keeping them raw and authentic. I will break whatever chains I encounter on my way to self-discovery. 

And yes, this is my story.  

 

New year resolution

It's more like a "40s resolution" since I'm entering the 40s in less than two weeks!

1. No specific financial goals in life 

Continue to not care about how much money we get; I only care if I can care for the people around me and even reach out far to whoever I feel like caring for. The best days of our lives remain when we were dirt poor, living as students, as an eloped couple with 1700 per month in Berkeley, ate to only 70% full but stayed active and helpful to people around us. My parents definitely hated that but I refused their money for years hence I finally got independence, being with whoever I wanted to be with, studying and doing whatever my heart wanted.   

True that things have been looking up for us financially in recent years, but when I look around, all that I comprehend is up to a level, wealth becomes a burden, messing up people's perspectives and relationships. I've been trying very hard to prevent Raj from getting in the traps of the blind rat races, keeping his mind occupied with the actual pleasure and excitement life's journey provides. Guess being born into a comfortably wealthy family (or a capable father who gradually made his way out from a humble background), and raised like a carefree princess helped; for me, money simply falls from the sky but is never something I need to make an effort to get, and money and materials are to be shared. Only Raj knows how annoying that gets sometimes! But mostly, it's bliss for a man! (>_<)

2. Deliberately choose who I want to spend my time with

They must be kind, tender, generous, pure in their hearts, and not self-centered narcissists. Because I am like that, being with people who are not on the same level of kindness kills me. I often got hurt in the past, but now I've learned my lessons and opened all my senses to be capable of sniffing pure-hearted people out and keeping them, and vice versa. 

Life is short, I got no time to waste on not gentle people.

3. No specific plans for a career or whatsoever

The conventional path for a rising career has abruptly terminated for me because of childbearing. It was my choice indeed. I am still not able to get it back, for example, do I have the leisure to leave home any time for a week to travel to Europe or Japan or Taiwan for workshops and speeches?? Then let me just comfortably idle around, do whatever I can to help. Even so, my professor is so impressed by my work and all the progress and improvement I've made possible for the sites. 

That's all. 

Best of 2024

Best moments of the year have to be all the moments when my sister-in-law Leena, love of my life, and I enjoy our time together. In this scary and filthy patriarchal world, nothing is more precious than having a true sister on your side, who's always there for you no matter what crazy trouble you always get yourself into.♥️

Event of the year has to be this one: traveling to Mexico city, fully submerged in the mixed culture there, experienced the old and new, dead and alive. Our hearts were melted by the warmth of people, eyes were opened by the resilience and depth of the indigenous heritage that ensures vast diversity, hence vibrant democracy.

Image of the year for me, has to be this one, painted by Frida, depicting her own birth. It was painted right after her mother's death, and her mother's death was right after her miscarriage.

My 2024

 

"At least for the night"

"If I'm too much w* for you"

2024, Would Trade Nothing For This Feeling of Freedom

My culture

 

"From my culture, we don't have the concept of shame,

 or sin, or whatever that you people are conditioned to comply. 

Everything comes from nature, goes to nature."

"Your culture, Chinese?"

"Oh no, hehe, kill me plz... 

Momo Culture..."

Attraction

"Do you know what I realized? I figured out why E felt jealous. First of all, I have faith that she told us the truth, it was because of her sudden jealousy. Told you before that 'I would suck it up' right? On a conventional sense, I could never imagine my pleasure with T on a physical level. But even to this day, it's been shocking to me that I had an unexpected amount of fun with him, no less, even more than them. 

What I suddenly came to realize was that my connection and attraction to people were mainly determined by the fact that the person had a genuinely kind soul. I'm a very spiritual being, I can sense that with my body and with my mind. And the level of kindness has to match mine so that I feel attracted to it. 

Out of allllll the people we've encountered, you stood out precisely because of this. Remember I told you many times how I felt about you? And it took the experience with T for me to finally understood why. Obviously, T stood out too. That's why, despite the unconventionality of our physical compatibility, I felt attracted to him. I enjoyed myself and was looking forward to more. Never even a single moment during that long night did I feel disappointment or doubt or discomfort."

Stay a while

 

been raining in the bay lately

under the city light

wish you cozy and warm

you always miss the torrent on the bridge,

don't you?  

in that strange bar I picked

bright neon beaming on your face

with a gentle poise you quietly sitting  

my heart jumped

the first time I laid my eyes on you

don't you know you're so beautiful?

never seen such a sight I have

where have you been, 

what have you done,

who have you met,

with the outpouring sweetness in your soul?

what a dream, what have we done?

my nose and lips on yours

breathing and moaning 

in messed up rhythm

I gave you all the control

did you try to kiss me?

did my lips search for yours?

"what's your fantasy?" 

in my ears you whispered

how curious and serious you always are

under the bedlight you two were debating

my brain tried hard to focus

but my fingers imagined 

grabbing into your hair

body melting into yours

don't you know baby

you are my fantasy

I've never stopped thinking about you

after I first laid my eyes on you

in that strange bar I picked

what a dream, what have we done?

from trembling breathes to

interlocking my fingers and my body

from complete strangers to

not letting me miss my butterflies

don't you know baby

how much I want you to look at my face

see how my tears stream down

how much I want to gaze into your eyes

and sink in your tender serenity

but baby, 

I know I'll never be your destination

and you'll never know,

you'll never know

how my heart breaks

into a million pieces

knowing any time could be our last 

but stay a while with me

baby just a little while

with me

How my 2024 looks like

The most important thing about 2024: How I feel...

https://youtu.be/54ylMDS1k50?si=NevdorikryFJpEJ-

My heart is full

A few thousand dollars only lasts maybe 3-4 days during our holiday, but it surely buys a brighter future for the children in Narumu, Tanzania. I'm proud that we're still not giving up, and things are starting to look up. I'm gonna keep sponsoring them for the years to come, and I want to build something like this in India too! 💖

First love

I have lived my life story through story, butterfly after butterfly. 

In each chapter, there would surely be night-long discussions about the entanglement of my life and my first love. 

Buried in many of my preferences and choices, it's the endless echo of how we were used to be as children, teens, and young adults.

Now I'm walking on the earth, confident in myself and trusting in the people around me. I am the way I am, a lot of it is attributed to the tremendous and consistent love and affection I received when I was transforming from a 9-year-old girl into a woman at college. 

I have discussed it much with people but have yet to write enough about it.

To this day, he is still waiting for me to go back. I knew he would never let go of any connections he could hold on to. He had been like this from day one. Now that our moms are connected, he will come find me as long as I clear my path to finally return for a visit. And maybe I will, maybe I will. 

His mom is never a "social butterfly" like my mom. He got that from her and prefers a low-key social presence, which is the opposite of me. However, a few months ago, his mom made an effort to talk to my mom; they exchanged contact and established a friendship. She asked my mom when I would come home for a visit the next time, and she insisted that if I did, my mom would inform her. She comforted my mom by telling her that her son had told her, "Whatever was written online about Momo was all fake; don't ever believe in that!" She knew us from when we were kids; my mom recalled how she was always treated nicely by "the woman who owned that brand". "She told me her son is Momo's batchmate, and she likes Momo a lot because 'she is a good girl' " -- my mom would often return home with this, although I had never told her about us for decades until the past few years.  

He cherished me as the most precious being in his entire universe for as long as his existence. "I want you to remember that you will always be my one and only Goddess. There is no one else." This was a year before my memorable internet incident in 2021. His only daughter and my son both turned 6 that year. Then, the sudden violent incident happened, consequently, I was banned from accessing all of my Chinese social media/messaging handles; hence, I lost contact with him since then.    

Because he consistently poured unmatchable love and admiration into me during all those formative years, at each step of my life journey, even after I departed from him, I have never doubted myself but have always had enough self-worth and respect. I have never even once put myself down (or up) to fit in or conform.

Because of how gentle and sweet he is, I find myself only surrounded by truly gentle and sweet souls. Rudeness and cruelty can't find their way into me. 

Because of the love and respect I have received since childhood, I have never truly felt despair, hopelessness, or sadness for more than a brief moment. Everything will be okay. I stay resiliently open, bright, positive, and optimistic.  

We grew up together, he is in me as I am in him, and nothing can change that fact. 

Precisely because we didn't end up as a couple, my heart stays open for beautiful moments, cherishable encounters, and for love, all kinds of love. 

All of us, our roots intertwine and entangle. We coexist and interweave. 

Because of him, I continue to love and my heart accepts and embraces all. 

I need this in life....

I reach "Extended Orgasm" each time, 

but I need to experience this 

Expanded Orgasm:

https://expandherorgasmtonight.com/

https://youtu.be/LLMCd3WbgGk?si=f4pWoP1yWG2nZiad

Hong Kong

Writes Gwyneth Ho:

"They are forcing the accused into self-denial of their lived experiences. That genuine solidarity was just a delusion. That the bonds, the togetherness, the honest conversations among people so different yet so connected, cannot be real after all. That the difficult co-building of a collective united in difference with a shared vision for a better future was just a utopian dream. 

But no. They are not just idealistic dreams but realities that I have lived through. I choose to fight to prove that such connections are not only possible but have actually been lived out and continue to live on. The only delusion here is the belief that brutal oppression can ever deny their existence. It is not a responsibility nor moral obligation. It is the strong urge within me to do justice to what I witnessed and experienced, for they constitute part of me and define who I was. And I am now going to define who I am.

... 

In this particular case, who else has more to offer than the human rights defenders in mainland China? Every final statement and paper about their decades of struggle, the legitimacy of the Chinese constitution, and the power of the people. None of us have won our cases. Many I read about are still serving harsh sentences in unknown places, unheard and forgotten. Most of them would never have the chance to know how much they inspired me – the only way I could honour them was to fight the best fight I could. And so I did. 

... 

Today, no democracy is immune to the crisis of legitimacy that results from a deficit of public trust. Calls for the "orderly" and "efficient" rule of authoritarianism are growing inexorably. News of fruitless movements and the continued plight of persecuted freedom fighters in distant, hopeless places is certainly discouraging. 

But you can certainly help a lot. Defend and repair your own democracy. Push back against the corruption of power, restore faith in democratic values through action. Give authoritarian dictators one less example of failed democracy to justify their rule, and give freedom fighters around the world one more inspiration to continue the struggle with better alternatives. Fight on the ground most familiar and dear to you. Prove to the world at every possible moment, no matter how small, that democracy is worth fighting for.

...

It’s that feeling again. Like looking through a cloudy gas mask into the determined eyes of a complete stranger, or walking alongside another in thick, irritating smog toward the light. I have come so far in search of it. The human connection that would only come through shared acts of courage, between individuals who dare to follow their true selves. For to dare is to lose one’s ground momentarily, yes, but not to dare, is to lose oneself. "

We'll get through this

Rebecca Solnit writes: 

"They want you to feel powerless and to surrender and to let them trample everything and you are not going to let them. You are not giving up, and neither am I. The fact that we cannot save everything does not mean we cannot save anything and everything we can save is worth saving. 

You may need to grieve or scream or take time off, but you have a role no matter what, and right now good friends and good principles are worth gathering in. Remember what you love. Remember what loves you. Remember in this tide of hate what love is. The pain you feel is because of what you love. 

The Wobblies used to say don't mourn, organize, but you can do both at once and you don't have to organize right away in this moment of furious mourning. You can be heartbroken or furious or both at once; you can scream in your car or on a cliff; you can also get up tomorrow and water the flowerpots and call someone who's upset and check your equipment for going onward. 

A lot of us are going to come under direct attack, and a lot of us are going to resist by building solidarity and sanctuary. Gather up your resources, the metaphysical ones that are heart and soul and care, as well as the practical ones. 

People kept the faith in the dictatorships of South America in the 1970s and 1980s, in the East Bloc countries and the USSR, women are protesting right now in Iran and people there are writing poetry. 

There is no alternative to persevering, and that does not require you to feel good. You can keep walking whether it's sunny or raining. Take care of yourself and remember that taking care of something else is an important part of taking care of yourself, because you are interwoven with the ten trillion things in this single garment of destiny that has been stained and torn, but is still being woven and mended and washed."

Blues

I've been seeing prof prepare for this outcome, mainly following the lead of the funders, for more than half a year now. It was the first time he informed the others in last week's monthly meeting. After the virtual meeting, the two of us chatted for two hours, just like that, no outline no structure, just whatever we gathered in our minds. Maybe he needed that, maybe I needed that. 

This time around we are much calmer even though we know the reality will be much direr. I will always keep in mind what prof told me, "Make an effort on the things you can control and change, let go of the things that you can't control." 

I avoided feeling the direct impact of this election. Didn't cry didn't fuss. Got back up soon enough. I tried to feel the power that "We are all in this together" by caring and checking on the ones I care about. 

Now it's been five days, but suddenly today, I woke up with an ounce of blues. I can't explain why, maybe a lot is attributed to my refreshed reflection on being a woman.

I do not feel empowered, I do not feel cherishable, I do not feel unlonely.  

Even though I am surrounded by loved ones, even though they constantly let me know verbally that they love me, and love me to the core, I do not feel unlonely. 

All of my life, all of me, is segmented into small pieces, handed out into various people's palms, and shaped into the forms that best suit their needs. 

In my loneliness, I am wary.

I am apprehensive that only the varying shapes and forms in their palms which remotely resemble me, are what they situated to love; I am frightened that ultimately I'm just a tasty candy that gets passed around, but no one wants to taste the bitter core under the sweet coating; it's agonizing to me that I've lived all my life for the others, I might not be able to find out who I really am and what I really want.

What do I really want? At this point, I am not sure I have the courage to dig deeper. I'm too used to bury it and hide it, my true feelings. Because it doesn't matter, does it? When the children came, when husband's career was on the rise, when you were needed in many different situations, you spun around, circling all of them, you shrank and wound down. 

I am too used to resisting, rioting, and battling, I do not anymore know how to be calm, how to absorb, and accept. 

To that, I hold my blues.

Her fantasy

"what's your fantasy?" he asked

she was not able to reply at the moment

but her fantasy,

her fantasy has to be whatever makes you content and satisfied

her fantasy must be related to allowing you to take control,

because that doesn't happen ever so often

her fantasy is to live in her own world

her fantasy is to live freely in her own world

her fantasy is to feel whatever beauty is in front of her

her fantasy is to love without the burden of norms and labels

her fantasy is to kiss and be kissed

her fantasy is to touch and be touched

her fantasy is to make love

when there's nothing more meaningful to do in this world

  

her fantasy is to run wild like a little girl

to draw out her lovey things with colorful crayons one by one:

dogs, cats, rainbows, and unicorns

grass, butterflies, dahlias, and dandelions

her fantasy is to be shielded from the filthy and vicious

her fantasy is to be held tight when they wave their claws

trying to strip her off all her rights

her fantasy is to stand strong even when she is only by herself

 her fantasy is to not only keep her voice loud, 

but to give a solid voice to the voiceless 

her fantasy is to be loved

her fantasy is to be respected

her fantasy is to be cherished

her fantasy is to be her authentic self

and her fantasy is to be free

Woman

I'm just a woman

have no roots

have no routes

I just want to exist 

in my own terms

in my own forms

no chains

no constrain

no reign

don't mock my dreams

don't cut my wings

don't whack my swings

set me free

Story of Kitty

 

@momo.zheng

♬ original sound - Momo Zheng

Reflecing on life

Not sure if it's because a life-changing election result is coming, or it's because I'm almost turning 40, found myself reflecting on life. 

What a journey, I have learned a great deal over the past few years. Both Raj and I have become excellent communicators. Obviously, I am doing a better job than him. It's because of the experiences, also because of my big nerve and non-apologetic personality which I was born with. I now find myself asking for whatever I want, arranging with people how to get it, and ya, getting it whenever, wherever, and however I want it. I have been the main organizer for events, I have set up profiles on various platforms. It's me who fixes up the tones and practices effective communication.

Through rich experiences, I know what to do and what not to do in various situations with a wide range of people. It's always me who gets to set up rules, who chooses and initiates therefore people can follow my fun, mainly because I get the nerves to desire and execute. Most people are either too low energy, too lazy, or too much living in the box. The shame, norms, and doctrines that were ingrained in their brains will last them a lifetime. 

I find myself living my life completely free. And I will not trade this freedom for anything. 

Of course, the most important key here is a great partner like my husband, whose mind has no boundaries and whose love for me has no limit. I do get both with my husband: a stable family for raising beautiful children, also a romantic journey of exploration that never stops. If you find the right person, you can get both. 

I do keep it a very small circle I can call friends. I seldom allow people to get close. Well, in my case, I am emotionally the dom because I am active and I make efforts, so I pick whoever I want. Once I realize anyone crossing any kind of line with me, they are gone from my life, forever. And most people can't even get any closer, even if I include them in my fun sometimes. 

To be honest, it's just simply too rare to find people who are genuinely fun. People's minds are constantly occupied by trivial shits. With too much thinking and calculations, they lose touch with some primal abilities such as feeling life's boundlessness, colorfulness, and thickness as it is. 

Such a fun loner I am. At least I got my husband to share everything together. Maybe sometimes life is just about this, solo or some real partner to share it. Try to finish it with no regrets and tons of fond memories. 

Because my daddy says so

 

Fine October days in California

 

And I found a third girl to add to the crazy duo of Leena and me. Surprisingly, she is in the same level of craziness, that happens only once in a million. 

I thought Leena and I finding each other was a total abnormality, it was through Raj obviously. Now a third one to join the gang... 

We've known them for a few months now. They are neighbors within walking distance, and both boys, Shiva and her stepson, are in the same class. They are deep in the tech startup world, and now their own Indian restaurant chain is expanding, hopefully with the help of Raj's venture. The four kids love each other and have had so many sleepovers already for the past few months. 

The contemporary and rather recent suppression derived from Abrahamic religions has been putting chains on Indian women and oppressing them brutally. With India's core culture being open due to polytheism, the ones who are brave enough to break the chains, soar especially high. Then among the free, the ones who had the temperament, stamina, and agility to take it to our level were outrageously rare. Yet we have three now. 

Not my place

I have thought about it, hard, with the help of Sandra. I rarely pre-meditate, rarely, always a throwing-the-bag-over-the-fence-first kind of person. But I thought about it under all hypothetical circumstances and I concluded that I can't and shouldn't do it. 

It will be a dilemma I'm going to face at every step and I will never choose to take something away from someone. If it's not mine to take, I will never.

I will never take away someone's happiness of having a family, a sweet wife, some children, the ecstasy of being a father.

I've had my time, my life, and my children. It's not fair that I insert myself into others' lives and take the risk of knocking them off the track to beautiful possibilities, even if it's just a risk. 

At this point of my journey, after experimenting with a bunch of stuff, I came back fixating my mind on connection and love, like who I have been my entire life.

Heartbeats, butterflies, daydreaming, how I long for it but I can live without. Yes, I can live without. 

The dilemma? Keep looking for possibilities of love but eventually endanger others' lives because of my pursuit. 

Maybe some people in this world are simply not lucky enough to be in the position of such pursuit. 

So ya, I believe, I can't and shouldn't allow myself to fall in any way. 

Parents Are Here!!!

I work too fast. My prof must be very happy to see how much I can come up with, whenever I get time to work. Once I turn on my engine I'm all powered up, pages of pages getting done, a lot of them critical pieces that were well done and attracted quite a lot of attention recently. Prof was happy. 

I work so fast that I have to take breaks for my brain in between, cooling it down so it won't burn. Since Kitty Kitty (my daughter gave him the name) came to our house, I've been indulging in cat videos on social media. And they are the perfect breaks for me. I would laugh so hard watching them. 

For quite a few months, it was all that verification, vibe checking, chatting, and organizing online, what an experience, so much stuff I've seen and lived. Good life experience, but now I am over it, not going to be engaged in any of the activities that require pre-acquaintance, but on-spot parties are planned for the Halloween season! 

Then I spent quite some time helping Y set up stuff too, it was interesting from my side and quite a successful mission too. Not going to continue because I am not Y's nanny, Y should be able to do Yself if Y wants. 

Now suddenly, I am quite free with my hands and my parents came. Before they arrived, my time was still segmented by various chores, cooking, cleaning, arranging clothes, buying groceries, and sending kids to horse riding, fencing, and music lessons. I didn't find myself read or write properly. I just can't. If I don't have the leisure to be left alone for 5 hours straight, I won't be able to continue my novel writing. I did some work work but difficult to finish entire projects. That's why it's so much harder for young mothers to achieve anything in life, besides raising their children. 

But I am blessed with my parents, an army by itself. They literally took over all the chores in the house, including picking up kids and dropping them off for after-school lessons. 

Whenever I encounter sci-fi stories, I would think about my own story that I have been brewing in my consciousness. "My story is so unique! You don't see much from that angle, do you? Gosh, how I wish I get the chuck of time to write it out!" I'd always scream into my mind.  

Can I do it? Can I start back again in writing my sci-fi novel since now my parents are here for five months? I don't know. It requires a lot of self-discipline and time away from home. From now Mondays through Thursdays I can stay out and do my own things, hence I should portion my time on work work and writing. Maybe whenever I feel like writing, I should leave the office and go to a cafe in Berkeley. 

I'm just so thrilled that my parents are here to help! I finished so much work work today and read properly on the BART back home! Oh how much I love reading and writing! 

Convo with husband

...

"Isn't it beautiful, seeing people like that falling in love? Well, at least that's what I understood as an outsider. I am quite envious of that actually. Not envy envy, but ya, you know what I mean."

"Ya, so you want to fall in love too?"

"Obviously, there are always different kinds of love. And being in love feels good, no? We played around so much, and it stopped being exciting for me after the novelty weaned off. Of course, we will continue to figure out new ways to play and we are the best partners in crime. But ya, I like my mind constantly occupied by something tender yet powerful, endless creativity, like some kind of love thingy."

"You have anyone in mind?"

"Nope, no specifics. Never did anyone walk up to me and ask me to try. Just a feeling watching the others."

"It's because men are afraid that you're gonna send them to prison! I'm pretty sure all men would want to be close to you if they could, you are just too hot! Well, you know I love you and I'll say yes to anything. Human beings are supposed to be free to converse, like, have sex, and fall in love with people that surround them, throughout their lifetime. So if you happen to experience that, let me know, just make sure you are back to me every night."

"Lol! Look who is so quick to set up specifics! 'Every night coming back to me', what, you think I am a cat?"

"Ya, every night before 1 and no more than once a month!"

"LOL! That's so funny...Who said I am ever gonna do something like that? I think the maximum I would do is to drag you along with me! I simply don't know, never thought about it! Lol!"

"Well, that would be nice too, hahaha! The main thing is, I do not want you to feel regret when you are 60. I do not want you to say that you missed that guy or this guy because of me. You can give hints to the guys you like and start dating."

"That's so open-minded and generous of you, lol! The problem is, I have absolutely no idea how to give hints or things like that, I never needed to make any move my whole life because there has always been a long line of guys ready for me... I am not even sure if I would understand hints from people because guys who want me the most have always been straightforward and they let me know verbally, well, I'm definitely good at saying no and sorry though..."

"Haha, I know! Well, that works perfectly fine for me too! Haha!"

My way

For 5 minutes on the way home from the airport, my mom was crying while telling me, grandma waited to see me till her last breath. I didn't reply to her, just handed her some tissues. I have gone through the sorrow over and over again, and I do not know how to react to it anymore. My mom was not blaming me, she knew. I believed my Popo understood and forgave me too. Her whole life, she has been positive, adaptive, and open-minded despite the hardship.

At this point, it's all about how I choose the path forward. For the past few months, I have often chosen sorrow and guilt. I have been constantly mapping out different scenarios and possibilities. I often hear a voice in my head asking, "Did you even realize that it's your entire early life that you were blocking yourself out?"

How I wish I could carry them along with me, my family and friends, my childhood and sweet memories, my city and culture, myself, that vulnerable and innocent young self. But tens of thousands even millions Chinese like me, do not have the leisure, on the path of exile and self-exile.

If I could go back in time, I know I'd still say those words I said because they were true and kind, I know I'd still put my heart out there trying as much as I can to warn them, yes, freedom is hard but freedom is good, you can't thrive without it, not in the long run.

I guess there was not ever going to be a different path for me, I chose it a long long time ago. All I am left to choose is how happy and free I continue to live my life.

And yes, I got my grandma's blood, I am that forever undefeatable wild cat with 10 lives!

"Red Bean" by Faye Wong

 

I have not yet carefully savoured

 The weather that the snowflakes cast 

As we're trembling together 

We will better understand what warmth is 

 I have not yet, holding hands with you

Walked through wild desert 

Perhaps from then on 

I will learn to appreciate eternity 

 Sometimes, sometimes 

I will believe that everything has an end 

Getting together and getting apart each has its time 

There's nothing that can last forever 

 But I, sometimes 

Will choose to linger and hold on 

Until the time when we have seen through all the sceneries 

Perhaps you will watch the everflowing stream with me 

 I have not yet cooked red bean for you 

Into an agonizing open wound 

And afterwards share the taste 

Then we will understand better the anguish of yearning 

 I have not yet carefully savoured 

The warmth of kissing while awake 

Maybe it is only when you're at my side 

That you'll pursue the lonely freedom

 Sometimes, sometimes 

I will believe that everything has an end 

Getting together and getting apart each has its time 

There's nothing that can last forever 

 But I, sometimes 

Will choose to linger and hold on 

Until the time when we have seen through all the sceneries 

Perhaps you will watch the everflowing stream with me 

Fly

Haven't been feeling well with my body since that time when Mr. OBGYN poked so hard inside my uterus. Nonstop bleeding for weeks, then the new IUD triggered continuous spotting and bleeding, up to today. My entire mood has been down.

Husband insisted that once things got back to normal physically, I'll feel fine again. Not sure about that, I just don't feel like meeting anybody or doing anything. Maybe I finally found an excuse to stay radio silent and not feel bad about it. 

I do need a break, mentally. This year has been tough. Popo passed away, I still think about her very often, and I still carry the weight of that immense guilt of not meeting her for five years. My parents are coming next week, that would be our first meeting after popo died. 

On top of it, I need sparks, I need exchanges, I need to feel the heat. Other than that, all are very much meaningless. 

I am open to it though, never felt the obligation to close my door. 

I long for the gazes, shy but trying hard to be confident, composed but unable to contain, articulated but raw.

But I never practiced my skills, never needed to, so I just grabbed all chances to avoid looking that way. 

The ultimate scene for me would be my face held in the hand, slightly turned, with direct eye contact, and demanded, "Would you please look me in the eyes!" Who knows, I'm such a submissive, in every way. 

It's so easy for me, to do what we have been doing. Now I have become the queen, I instantly lost the appetite for maintaining any subject. 

But that kind of longing is rare, I don't think I could ever not kneel to it. 

Husband knows what he's dealing with so he freed himself up long before I had the remotest idea of what life would be like today. He sewed my wings back, the wings which were once chopped down by society, and opened my cage door.      

I haven't been flying though, even with my wings all muscled up. 

If I ever would fly, I would be in a fleet, together with the ones who desire to be wing-to-wing with me.  

Rock n roll this season 🤘

Summer season just ended, we had a good show. Overall a great season. Being in a band, practicing and rehearsing every week really helped me with my mental happiness. Our group was relatively small this season, but only the most fun people stayed. We indeed spent a lot of time chatting after each rehearsal night, went several times to karaoke and bar, had tons of fun, and I got to really know most of them, and their family. You just feel so good to be with kind and caring people, even though you don't know them for years. 

My head is in the cloud most of the time and I am not familiar with all the joke or cultural references. But I caught all that I could and felt and laughed with them. Our group chat is active on daily basis, only showing genuine support and love for each other, and mostly, for fun. I withdraw if people in a group chat don't like each other and start fighting and talking nonsense. That happened before and I stayed silent throughout. You just know each other for two second, what is there to not like?

I truly feel that this current group of people, each individual is super awesome, capable of music obviously, but also secure, generous, kind, true, understanding and supportive. I love to be with adults who have figured out who they are and have the courage to stick to it. It shows in our music actually, our performance is fantastic. 

This season we rehearsed in a tiny class room because school's performance hall was under construction, it actually brought us closer together, literally, while we were face to face, rubbing shoulders and stepping on toes. 

At the last moment before the show, I suddenly realized that "Oh shit, I didn't practice performing my songs since the room was so jam-packed throughout the season!" But then I came up with some last-minute ideas and showed it on stage. What a confident natural performer! Proud of myself! 

Ideally, I would want one song that I could show off my piano hands, but "New Wave" don't have much of piano but mainly synth. I was happy with whatever assigned to me, just that I didn't even for once touch my piano at home, all of the keyboard practice was done during private lessons. I thought I was inspired to play more of piano, turned out I was just inspired to have a lot of fun... And singing practice happened wherever I existed, my kids, husband, sister-in-law, by the end of my show, they all could mug up the song lyrics, maybe our neighbors too. For last season, definitely the workers who came and did our house remodeling knew my songs well. 

I enjoyed all the 1 to 2 minutes of speaking time before my vocals. For this season, I had to somehow make it for Kamala, what I got to do, I will do. Luckily "99 Luftballons" was perfect for this purpose. People liked it, what can I say?

Talking about knowing what the song is about, I got assigned "Young Lust" for the new season. I was exclaiming, "Who assigned this song to me!?!" Then we joked about it in the group, I was gasping on the cheating-scene conversation at the end, they shared the MTV video to me. They were like, "Oh god, this song is perfect for you Momo! The music video is all explicit sex, drugs and rock and roll." "Ya right? Whoever chose this song for me must really know me, just saying..." I think my music directors are going to be so embarrassed by me. Well, explicit sex and rock and roll, yes, but I only do drinks, and in that, two would knock me out, no drugs, thank you very much, maybe just some LSD with nudity, lol. I think I have made too many explicit jokes with my mates by now, hahahaha!  

Rock On!