First love

I have lived my life story through story, butterfly after butterfly. 

In each chapter, there would surely be night-long discussions about the entanglement of my life and my first love. 

Buried in many of my preferences and choices, it's the endless echo of how we were used to be as children, teens, and young adults.

Now I'm walking on the earth, confident in myself and trusting in the people around me. I am the way I am, a lot of it is attributed to the tremendous and consistent love and affection I received when I was transforming from a 9-year-old girl into a woman at college. 

I have discussed it much with people but have yet to write enough about it.

To this day, he is still waiting for me to go back. I knew he would never let go of any connections he could hold on to. He had been like this from day one. Now that our moms are connected, he will come find me as long as I clear my path to finally return for a visit. And maybe I will, maybe I will. 

His mom is never a "social butterfly" like my mom. He got that from her and prefers a low-key social presence, which is the opposite of me. However, a few months ago, his mom made an effort to talk to my mom; they exchanged contact and established a friendship. She asked my mom when I would come home for a visit the next time, and she insisted that if I did, my mom would inform her. She comforted my mom by telling her that her son had told her, "Whatever was written online about Momo was all fake; don't ever believe in that!" She knew us from when we were kids; my mom recalled how she was always treated nicely by "the woman who owned that brand". "She told me her son is Momo's batchmate, and she likes Momo a lot because 'she is a good girl' " -- my mom would often return home with this, although I had never told her about us for decades until the past few years.  

He cherished me as the most precious being in his entire universe for as long as his existence. "I want you to remember that you will always be my one and only Goddess. There is no one else." This was a year before my memorable internet incident in 2021. His only daughter and my son both turned 6 that year. Then, the sudden violent incident happened, consequently, I was banned from accessing all of my Chinese social media/messaging handles; hence, I lost contact with him since then.    

Because he consistently poured unmatchable love and admiration into me during all those formative years, at each step of my life journey, even after I departed from him, I have never doubted myself but have always had enough self-worth and respect. I have never even once put myself down (or up) to fit in or conform.

Because of how gentle and sweet he is, I find myself only surrounded by truly gentle and sweet souls. Rudeness and cruelty can't find their way into me. 

Because of the love and respect I have received since childhood, I have never truly felt despair, hopelessness, or sadness for more than a brief moment. Everything will be okay. I stay resiliently open, bright, positive, and optimistic.  

We grew up together, he is in me as I am in him, and nothing can change that fact. 

Precisely because we didn't end up as a couple, my heart stays open for beautiful moments, cherishable encounters, and for love, all kinds of love. 

All of us, our roots intertwine and entangle. We coexist and interweave. 

Because of him, I continue to love and my heart accepts and embraces all.