Fly

Haven't been feeling well with my body since that time when Mr. OBGYN poked so hard inside my uterus. Nonstop bleeding for weeks, then the new IUD triggered continuous spotting and bleeding, up to today. My entire mood has been down.

Husband insisted that once things got back to normal physically, I'll feel fine again. Not sure about that, I just don't feel like meeting anybody or doing anything. Maybe I finally found an excuse to stay radio silent and not feel bad about it. 

I do need a break, mentally. This year has been tough. Popo passed away, I still think about her very often, and I still carry the weight of that immense guilt of not meeting her for five years. My parents are coming next week, that would be our first meeting after popo died. 

On top of it, I need sparks, I need exchanges, I need to feel the heat. Other than that, all are very much meaningless. 

I am open to it though, never felt the obligation to close my door. 

I long for the gazes, shy but trying hard to be confident, composed but unable to contain, articulated but raw.

But I never practiced my skills, never needed to, so I just grabbed all chances to avoid looking that way. 

The ultimate scene for me would be my face held in the hand, slightly turned, with direct eye contact, and demanded, "Would you please look me in the eyes!" Who knows, I'm such a submissive, in every way. 

It's so easy for me, to do what we have been doing. Now I have become the queen, I instantly lost the appetite for maintaining any subject. 

But that kind of longing is rare, I don't think I could ever not kneel to it. 

Husband knows what he's dealing with so he freed himself up long before I had the remotest idea of what life would be like today. He sewed my wings back, the wings which were once chopped down by society, and opened my cage door.      

I haven't been flying though, even with my wings all muscled up. 

If I ever would fly, I would be in a fleet, together with the ones who desire to be wing-to-wing with me.