Blues

I've been seeing prof prepare for this outcome, mainly following the lead of the funders, for more than half a year now. It was the first time he informed the others in last week's monthly meeting. After the virtual meeting, the two of us chatted for two hours, just like that, no outline no structure, just whatever we gathered in our minds. Maybe he needed that, maybe I needed that. 

This time around we are much calmer even though we know the reality will be much direr. I will always keep in mind what prof told me, "Make an effort on the things you can control and change, let go of the things that you can't control." 

I avoided feeling the direct impact of this election. Didn't cry didn't fuss. Got back up soon enough. I tried to feel the power that "We are all in this together" by caring and checking on the ones I care about. 

Now it's been five days, but suddenly today, I woke up with an ounce of blues. I can't explain why, maybe a lot is attributed to my refreshed reflection on being a woman.

I do not feel empowered, I do not feel cherishable, I do not feel unlonely.  

Even though I am surrounded by loved ones, even though they constantly let me know verbally that they love me, and love me to the core, I do not feel unlonely. 

All of my life, all of me, is segmented into small pieces, handed out into various people's palms, and shaped into the forms that best suit their needs. 

In my loneliness, I am wary.

I am apprehensive that only the varying shapes and forms in their palms which remotely resemble me, are what they situated to love; I am frightened that ultimately I'm just a tasty candy that gets passed around, but no one wants to taste the bitter core under the sweet coating; it's agonizing to me that I've lived all my life for the others, I might not be able to find out who I really am and what I really want.

What do I really want? At this point, I am not sure I have the courage to dig deeper. I'm too used to bury it and hide it, my true feelings. Because it doesn't matter, does it? When the children came, when husband's career was on the rise, when you were needed in many different situations, you spun around, circling all of them, you shrank and wound down. 

I am too used to resisting, rioting, and battling, I do not anymore know how to be calm, how to absorb, and accept. 

To that, I hold my blues.