My way

For 5 minutes on the way home from the airport, my mom was crying while telling me, grandma waited to see me till her last breath. I didn't reply to her, just handed her some tissues. I have gone through the sorrow over and over again, and I do not know how to react to it anymore. My mom was not blaming me, she knew. I believed my Popo understood and forgave me too. Her whole life, she has been positive, adaptive, and open-minded despite the hardship.

At this point, it's all about how I choose the path forward. For the past few months, I have often chosen sorrow and guilt. I have been constantly mapping out different scenarios and possibilities. I often hear a voice in my head asking, "Did you even realize that it's your entire early life that you were blocking yourself out?"

How I wish I could carry them along with me, my family and friends, my childhood and sweet memories, my city and culture, myself, that vulnerable and innocent young self. But tens of thousands even millions Chinese like me, do not have the leisure, on the path of exile and self-exile.

If I could go back in time, I know I'd still say those words I said because they were true and kind, I know I'd still put my heart out there trying as much as I can to warn them, yes, freedom is hard but freedom is good, you can't thrive without it, not in the long run.

I guess there was not ever going to be a different path for me, I chose it a long long time ago. All I am left to choose is how happy and free I continue to live my life.

And yes, I got my grandma's blood, I am that forever undefeatable wild cat with 10 lives!