Supreme Dictator

The other shoe has fallen, Xi has overwhelmingly defeated all political rivals, successfully consolidated the highest possible absolute power as a supreme dictator, to a degree as nobody has anticipated or imagined. China now officially leaps from system authoritarianism to dictator authoritarianism. Hence China will now race into the worst possible path people ever imagined. There's only darkness left there. The next ten years are gonna be dark for the whole world. 

Now the last breath of hope has vanished. We had been anxiously waiting for that miracle to drop. A miracle that the sure-to-be emperor won't take full control of the party, therefore economic reform and a certain degree of diplomatic openness could still find their place, as the result of political struggle and power balance. Now with absolute power, he is allowed to do whatever he wishes, and he will apply whatever his mind thinks is logical or viable to the powerless people. 

In the 41 years when Mao was in absolute power, there were famines that one of which killed 40 million, uncountable purges and class struggle to wipe out entire classes and clans, and a decade-long Cultural Revolution washed away thousands of years of culture and civilization, only to leave fear, shame, and oblivion deep down in people's hearts and minds. The only way to make it stop was to wait for the dictator's death. As of today, we have officially arrived at another beginning of decades-long suffering, with a dictator that is even redder and crueler than the previous one.  

I cried like crazy for a few minutes, then I abruptly stopped and just couldn't continue anymore. I was not able to cry for days and weeks. I somehow, out of a sudden lost my capability to express my fear or complex emotions. My world has sunk. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep no more. I carried on in my daily life robotically and emotionlessly. I only have been trying to make my kids and kids in my classes and teams laugh, like a job, like my duty, but I haven't really laughed or smiled for nobody knows how long.  

None of my people have gotten out. And it's clear as the day to me now, there is no future left for any of them inside. I mean how can anyone, if they are not crazy in the mind, promptly leave whatever they have behind and go to a place they can't even understand a word. And there was no way to get passports, no way to get visas, and no way to physically get out for the past three years. Onward, all aspects imaginable only will be harder. And do I ever dare to go back there anymore? I will be risking my entire disappearance and nobody will give a fuck or be able to give a fuck. My world and their world, hence are forever parted and pacing in opposite directions. Most probably last time when I saw them in China, would be the last time in decades.

My heart bleeds for my baby cousin brothers and sisters, there is no prosperity left on their way to achieving financial security, and there is no protection left for their most fundamental rights as decent human beings. In the same way, my heart bleeds for all the young people struggling in there, barely to survive. And the hundreds of millions of poor, basic living will only be harder as the dictator wishes to go full-on communism and collectivism. More and more tragedies will occur, and more and more brutal death will break out. Our lives have never been more valuable than ants since the beginning of Chinese empires, have we?

I don't know how to cry anymore.

***

I did cry at the end, in spite of being emotionlessly numb for days. 

Cried hysterically when I went to sleep at 3am, for a long time, not able to snap myself out of it. In his daziness and confusion, my husband kept telling me to control it, and "nothing actually happened". 

My heart was torn to pieces, I couldn't stop the violence and brutality when darkness excavated my heart out, leaving a cold hollow. I don't remember ever being so heartbroken, hauling and gasping for air. Where I came from, my childhood, my memories, my family, my old friends, now only suffering is left for them and now deep down in my guts I know, I've lost it all, forever. 

Growing up knowing we didn't have the immense unluck to be born in the time of turmoils, time of father's extreme hunger and education rights being stripped away for a decade, but now this immense unluck has again fallen on us all. 

I cry for the suffering that's going to come after everyone. 

Then I will stop, wipe my face, learn to be stronger, and stand up to fight.