Summer end

Feeling a lot of heat inside, oops, the period is coming. When I'm hot, I post summery photos on social media. At least I'm able to feel hot now, after a good few days of sadness watching evil cult leader men slaughtering, killing, lying, getting away to wash their bloody hands and keep fucking/raping whoever they pick.

Well, my social media, everyone is there: all of my Indian family, hundreds of eyes every day preying on me; all of my coworkers, like my prof and his wife, paying close attention to what's happening to me for the past 10+ years, and likewise; my Indian friends that I got to know through Raj over the years, they were and will mostly be Raj's relationships; and all those old international friends been there for decades through my universities in XM and Lille, and works in the Netherlands... I love my social media, everyone is there!

Then suddenly I realized, oops, today is Karva Chauth! The festival in north India when wives fast for a whole 24 hours to pray for their husband's hundred-year long life. I did Karva Chauth for like two years when the wives still thought I was one of them. I was having a good attitude too, eager to learn, with no detail too small no question too dumb no fun too insignificant; even deceived to look like I was one of them. 

I was relieved that after two years nobody invited me anymore. I would have said "no thank you, I'm busy at school tomorrow" or "my mother-in-law and husband are worried about my health and not allowing me to do it". The truth is, it's not my in-law family's culture, if I don't put my head in it voluntarily, nobody would ask me. Praying and starving so my husband could live for a hundred years therefore I won't be banished by society when he's not there to install a ceiling over my head whatever fuck the correct phase is? Raj would laugh so hard on my face himself. 

My husband and Raj, Raj and my husband, there's no difference whatsoever when I interchange these two pronouns. Raj, my long-term friend who supports whatever fuck I do as a crazy feminist happens to be my husband. There is no more element of "supposedly adherent to husbands" added to "my husband". I am that lucky. Not saying people who celebrate Karva Chauth are not, just clarifying. 

Obviously, I love to know more, love to see. All sorts of ceremonies, religions, thoughts, thinking patterns, habitual behaviors etc, from all sorts of backgrounds and histories, from humans, animals, and aliens too. What I will never do is narrow down on a fixed pattern, dig a hole and plant my feet in it. One or two times I could enjoy myself in such ceremonies, be it a religious wedding or praying like there's no tomorrow, or fasting to death. More than that Raj often finds himself dealing with a version of me all over the place picking fights with stuff, be it the weather, the humidity level, or the color of the wall; looking for alcohol, and trying my best to sneak the fuck out. Wait until I scoop a cigarette out of the inside of my clothes somewhere somehow. After Roe V Wade, Raj would never put me in a position where there could be a church nearby. He would still try to "correct" my attitude, but he knows what's the best to do if we all simply just wanna have a good day. Well, to be honest, Raj loves it when I start to escalate into a different version, either due to agitation or alcohol or hard life, it turns him on, hard. And guess who is his no.1 grade-A Japanese porn star?

Anyways, I have earned my freedom with blood and sweat to pick whatever I want from wherever I want, one or two things from here, one or two things from there. And I am gonna hold on to that freedom like there is no tomorrow. If anyone dares to demonstrate a slight attitude that is close enough to be noticed by me, my response would stay the same: why not go fuck yourselves, hope you enjoy.    

Happy ending of the summer and the beginning of winter!