Me

Daddy volunteer Mr. C remembered almost all of the children's names. All the Tuesday mornings for the past month, he has been super fast on all tasks, watched all tables closely, and kept interacting with, encouraging, and teaching all the children. How come some parent volunteer so got it together while I couldn't even remember the names of three children after so long? When did he memorize all those names? And how come he always finished his portion of work so fast and helped me with mine?

I think most people are like that, things are put together for them, men or women. They are focused on tasks, efficient and sharp, and always aim for their goals. But I am rarely not head in the cloud. What exactly am I doing in life? I have no freaking clue, to be honest. To start my day, I gotta listen to "Unstoppable" over and over again. To end my day, I gotta listen to "Unstoppable" over and over again. My son never likes that song, it's no rock.

I have no idea what world I am living in. Sometimes in this reality, but sometimes I slip away and roam around in different dimensions. Reality and imagination, aren't most of the realization come when in unconsciousness? Who is there to tell me what is truth and what is disguise? I easily get lost in between. I don't believe any being could be omniscient, or any being could be any being's savior. Not knowing, getting lost, and being clueless is exactly the core of existence. Why do people always need to imagine some kind of closure at the end? What's "the end" anyway? You come and you go, not triggering even a tiny bit of wrinkle in the still ocean of time, floating aimlessly like a speck of dust in the endless darkness, from the beginning to the end, no light to shine on it. Isn't this the ultimate truth? 

Raj was telling me, he's been finishing up the podcast where my prof was interviewed and he truly thinks China is going to go through drastic changes in the coming decade(s) and I am at a pivotal moment of time, people like my prof can help push through a lot of changes and people like my prof needs a hand from people like me.   

The truth is, when am I not in a pivotal moment of time? I have always been thrown right into the center of hurricanes and grasping onto whatever I can to get through, get through all kinds of stuff. 

I am fearless, I am afraid, I am confident, I am putting myself down, I am simple, I am complicated, I am strong, I am weak, I am smart, I am clueless, I am hot, I am cold, I am sun and I am rain. What am I not? Clear-headed is what I am not. It's just who I am, everything is entangled and messed up. And I can't change who I am. 

So just let me live, however short and insignificant that is. Let me be stuck in my own world of fantasies and imagination, let me experience serials of events in my own way, different from anybody else, forward in time or backward, time is just another dimension. Let me be stripped away of truth and reality. Let me be me.