Emperor

Has been down for days. At this age, when I’m down, I'm more cynical and mean. Not to be mean to anyone in real life, only to scream in my own head. 

How can I be not down? The world is racing into a pitch dark for me. I wish I could be carefree, I wish I am not aware of the darkness lurking about, I wish I stay ignorant and innocent, stay brainwashed too. But I have never been like that, have I? If I were carefree, if I didn't have a sharp eye to see through what was truly happening in that darkness, I literally wouldn't survive, would I?

Many haters say "I wish China never had that golden period to grow, hence CCP won't be so powerful today and pose a threat to the whole world". If China didn't have that 40 years (1980-2020) of growth, if China's door has been shut and never got open, I wouldn't exist, would I? Even if I could be brought into this world, I wouldn't have the opportunity ever to study, to learn, to run out, and have the life I have today, would I?

Mao died, so Cultural Revolution finished, and the suffering of the billion people finally started to ease. Then the leadership did a series of adjustments - canceled lifelong tenure for individual leaders, shrank down the military, proposed technology development, rekindled with the West, and opened China's door to become the world's factory. 

But without political reform which could result in power loss for CCP leaders, there is always a chance for men like Xi to rise up to absolute power. In 1989 people went to the streets, and as a result, USSR collapsed, but China took the opposite turn. 40 years, it was just a dream. Now time to wake up, and Chinese people go back to the dark. Our life has never been more valuable than ants, for the past 2000+ years. 

I don't feel content to be able to escape, because how many could be like me, having such luck to cross over to the side of light? Or have I ever? Crossed over to the side of light? 

Begins in dark, ends in dark. The only comfort I take is to be able to work for something that brings upon a tiny ray of light. Too much blood, too much screaming, the only peace in me comes from the faintly burning candle deep in my soul. 

Aren't we all? 

Barely surviving, day to day, hour to hour. Breathlessly crawling, inside our own cage, carrying our own prison. 

From now on, it would only get worse. China has again taken another drastic turn, falling back into the abyss. The endless darkness, has defeated us all.