I didn't realize it before, but I think I'm still deeply traumatized by what happened with my little "poly/boyfriend experiment." I know there's absolutely no pressure from anyone—neither from myself, Raj, nor Dan—regarding how we should navigate our relationships. But I suddenly found myself scared, knowing that I might really like this new guy and might want him for the long haul.
I'm scared, knowing it's an extremely difficult path to take. I'm scared because Raj was hurt when I was in love with Nate—not because I fell in love, but because of all the complications that came with it. I'm scared because, despite how hard we tried, none of us knew how to handle a three-person relationship, especially Nate. Raj and I were brand new to it, and Nate was immature. I'm scared because I'm not sure if we're truly ready for another ride like this.
I'm scared because of how much I cried and how much I know I'm going to cry. I'm scared because I feel hopeless that the world we live in doesn't support free souls like mine; most setups just condition people into the art of possession, ownership, jealousy, and resentment. I'm scared because I grew up in a patriarchal world and I still live in one—and despite all the struggle, the fighting back, and the constant self-reassurance, I genuinely don't know if having the power to make my own decisions is real, or just an illusion of my mind.
I'm scared because the thought that things might not work out and could end at some point already hurts, and I don't know if I can bear that pain. I'm scared because my heart is tired—tired of knowing that I might fall in love again, only for it to end, leaving us as total strangers as if nothing ever happened, as if all that love and all those tears meant nothing at all.
I'm scared that I might get colder each time, going through these intense emotions only to discover there is no ground, no fertile soil, for this kind of love to actually grow in my life. I'm scared it will always turn out that I am the only one who is open and passionate, whose heart is resilient enough to keep reaching for love—while my counterpart will suddenly shut down one day, having had enough of me, the "taken" one, and leave to look for a "real companion" who can actually belong to them, leaving me broken into a million pieces.
I'm scared because I'm confused, not knowing for sure if this is real or just my fantasy at play. How can I already feel so good about this new guy? How have I already set my heart on him? How could someone like this show up in my life right now? Isn't this all happening too fast, considering everything I've just been through? Am I crazy? Is this my free will, or am I forcing myself into this? I'm afraid I'm living entirely in my own head. Didn't I just weather a massive storm in my love life, only to finally calm down and find my footing?
But it isn't really fear, is it? Because I am fearless, and I don't recall ever truly being afraid of anything. It’s not fear—it’s the pain already settling in. It might not cause me to hesitate, but it is the unavoidable agony that I know is sure to come.
Still, I will allow myself to cry, even soak my whole pillow, but I won't back down. I will stand up straight and face it with my sweetest smile. Because I know my universe is too versatile to be kept in any known way of living, to be locked inside any given box. The only way for me to feel true freedom is to expand—boundlessly, without norms, without rules, without restrictions. I am a universe of unlimited dimensions, and within each dimension lies an entire world of vibrant, complex life.
So yes, I will wipe away my tears and be ready to embrace whatever is meant to come.
That is me.
