First Love

"Have I met him?"

"Yes. But at this moment, I am not ready to share the information about his identity with you. Wait until I get through the hurricane. Hopefully soon. Then I will let you know. You will be like 'you crazy b*!'...."

"Ya, now all I can think is 'who the f* is that?!'"

"I told you some things about my first love right? You even saw that video my and his mutual friend took of him and sent to one of the WeChat groups, I mean years ago. The last time I connected with him was when I was in my hometown in 2019, we didn't get to meet, luckily he was in his wife's hometown in north China for the western new year. But he asked the people who I was hanging out with to talk to me, and he got us connected on WeChat, we were not before that. Well, he definitely had a bunch of anonymous accounts added to my WeChat to see what I was posting. My old WeChat was public, I allowed anybody to add me and chat with me. Anyways, he chatted with me right away, he was still so funny, chatting with him all that I could feel was comfort and joy. He told me I was his 'forever one and only Goddess'. He was super nostalgic, telling me some of his side of the stories back when we were in 5th grade, I said 'sorry I don't remember lol'. He even said he still imagines 'what life with you would be like' and 'every time I spotted your mom in the street, I knew that was my future mother-in-law haha'. I swear one night I saw his baby brother from inside of my car, through the window. It was dark so only the street light shone on him. I saw his face, identical to my first love. I almost choked in the car, a heart attack. My week's stay in my hometown was kinda bitter-sweet. I was reminded of him everywhere I went. A lot of feelings resurfaced, extremely hard to put under control. My head was spinning the whole time, I couldn't breathe, couldn't sit couldn't have a minute of peace. But then Raj came to meet my family and took us back home.  

Then came the time when I was publicly defamed nationwide. I was blocked access to my old WeChat and all my social media accounts were deleted. Right before that, I actually added a few people from my old WeChat to the WeChat account I'm using now. Mainly just family so I don't lose contact with them. I didn't tell him. Because after that time when I was in China, we got back to our respective lives, rarely could find a chance or excuse to chat. However every year he sent me a message on my birthday, like in the old times, he always somehow got a birthday present delivered to my hand. And as I was losing all that faith in China or Chinese people, as I was brutally violated and beaten, I just wanted to cut myself out from that place. I thought about if I should include him in my other WeChat, but I didn't end up to. Because I knew I was saying goodbye to all that connections in China and indeed I rarely use anything Chinese anymore, not even the language. So that was that.

My first love and I studied 3rd and 4th grade together. We were on completely different sides of the social spectrum. He came from a businessman's family, daddy was famously wealthy, owning many big shops in town. He didn't study well, he was always the naughty one who was punished by teachers. But he was popular through junior and high school because he was good at sports. A lot of girls thought he was extremely handsome, they would go watch his basketball games and scream, like in Japanese movies. While I was the best student from elementary to high school, I studied well and was famous for being smart and top of all the subjects. My daddy was a government official and held a kind of high position in my small town. I played piano well and I was active in all kinds of student events. So ya, I was famous too, throughout. When we were 3rd and 4th-grade kids, we just liked each other so much, for no reason. We were drawn to each other. He sat far back in the row, and I sat in either the first or second row. The back rows were for tall and 'bad' kids, and the front rows were for short and 'good' kids. But in and out of classes we would always search for each other and our eyes always met. While I found him funny, he found me extremely funny too. I always would hear him laugh at my answers to teachers' questions as if I was telling jokes, I also found his jokes or comments funny when teachers were so annoyed by them and even punished him because of them. 

Then we were not in the same class anymore from the 5th grade but he since announced to the world that he 'was into me'. Kids that young had no idea what a relationship or friendship was between a boy and a girl. He would ask all of his buddies to invite me for rollerskating and all that 'bad kids hanging out activities'. I was never allowed by my parents to get out of my door. Years went by, I remained a top student who 'never hang out with bad kids' and 'never fell into the trap of puppy love'. My parents literally locked me up in the cage and watched me like hawks. I think he didn't take it well for 'not getting me as a gf' after all that chasing and effort. So in the summer of 7th grade to 8th grade, he announced to the world that he 'was not into me anymore'. Hence my first encounter with sexual harassment started and lasted for almost two months, because now I 'lost the protection from him'. Some loser would come to walk with me while I was walking into class. He would put his hands on me. At first on my shoulder, his head leaning on me, later more places on my body. All in public and every day I just kept walking, didn't know how to respond, didn't know to push him away, didn't know to shout. Later kids came and waited in the hall to watch how he 'companies' me into class, with his hands all over me, even pretending to kiss me or whisper in my ears. Nobody helped me, China has always been dark, especially dark in public schools in small towns. You got all kinds of people from society, including real gangsters, and very severe cases of sexual harassment and violations on school girls. I only blamed myself and dared not to tell my parents or teachers. It lasted for two months, not exactly every day but very often. I was pushed into a dark tunnel because of this and finally got out after ten years. 

Why did that loser stop after two months? Because my first love stepped in. It was because of him in the first place, and now he was also the one to the rescue. As he was announcing to the world again that I am 'his girl who nobody should touch'. He stopped all harassment of me, from that day through high school. For the next two years, he along with three other boys waited in the street outside of my building each and every day, followed me at 50 meters distance, and made sure I was safe and free of trouble. That time when he finally was talking to me on WeChat after all that years, I grabbed my chance to thank him for this. I told him I would forever be grateful for him, for protecting me and loving me. 

So in junior high, then high, we never really talked to each other, but everybody in school knew our stories and watched us from afar. We were always the center of gossip, I guess even today at this moment. Our differences grew much more significant during those years. I was a promising student who would crack the college entrance exam and go places, and I did. He stayed a 'bad student who didn't have a bright future'. For college, I went to one of China's tops, he stayed one more year in high school and went somewhere third or fourth tier, as a sports student. Sportsmen are not looked up to in China. Both colleges in XM though. In my college, I met with the smartest and most ambitious students from all over China and all over the world. I grew like a bamboo shoot in the spring mentally and experience-wise. We tried to reconnect, yes we did. Almost got to a point to meet in person. I remember being excited about exchanging messages with him on my Nokia, those earliest versions of cell phones. Then one day he called me, asking if I received his letter in the email. I said no, I truly didn't. He said he wrote up something very serious, I said I will check my email even the trash or the spam box. I didn't find anything ever. Then days passed, and we slowly stopped communicating. I got busy preparing for applications to schools in France, visas, and all that, plus college life itself was difficult and complicated enough to catch up. 

I guess I would never know what did he write to me at that time. Maybe it would have stopped me from going abroad, maybe it would change my life path in the opposite direction, also a good direction obviously but entirely different. I don't doubt that I would be as happy as I am now. But whatever happens, happens for good. Most of the time, you have no power to change the course of life. He is a responsible man, smart too, later he got a good job in the finance industry. When I was in France he tried to talk to me but we just didn't know what to talk about, and I knew he had been angry with me for going away. When my stories with Raj were circling around on the Chinese internet, for those years we never talked. Half a year after my Chinese wedding with Raj, friends told me he also got married. Her only daughter is the same age as my son. His parents knew my parents from when we were kids because I was 'the most desirable daughter-in-law in town'. Later when my parents were suffering from my decision to be with Raj, I let them know if they didn't chain me up, most probably I would have stayed with him in XM. My mom finally connected the boy with his rich and handsome family, I didn't know how she felt, regretting to iron me into a study machine and flew away? If you chain up a bird when she was little, either she would totally lose the ability to fly, or she would fly away without coming back when she is strong enough."

"Ok, I get it, thank you for sharing. But what about now? What's happening now?"

"What's happening now is that I think I couldn't and I haven't been able to get out of this teenage girl's mentality, simply because my story with my first love was branded into my bones, it has become part of me, part of who I am. And I am not able to change or control it. So when I saw this person, he had exactly the same look as my first love, the only thing different was the features on their faces. But the way they walk, the way they talk. The way they are half hiding half longing, half mysterious half mischievous. The way they look at you and the way they smile, are all the same. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely lucky to have found Raj and built a family with him. And what's between Raj and I are rare and deserves celebration. But I am stupid and powerless in this situation."

"Wait, do you guys have a mutual understanding?"

"Err, nope. I think I just went crazy and imagined everything in my mind. We have never talked, outside of our normal premises I mean. And I constantly get confused and mixed up with reality and other stuff. And you know what's the most strange? I didn't realize it until a series of dreams suddenly popped up in the middle of my sleep. You know how out-of-the-world I felt when I got that two pregnancy dreams when I was pregnant with my babies. It changed my perspective on a whole lot of stuff. Somehow I was unconsciously navigating my life following the steps of my dreams. And I saw him in my dreams, as clear as those pregnancy dreams. Those kinds of dreams that jump me up from my bed. Deep down of course I know what's good for all and what's bad for all, and the most basic, you shouldn't fall in love with anyone without getting to know how his/her views on everything right? But I'm kind of stuck for now, in a super weird way, I don't even know how to define it. Nope, absolutely no mutual understanding. And I am trying very hard to suppress it so I won't accidentally harm anybody. It's just me being stupid. That's all. Haven't you ever felt that the world we thought we are living in is not the real world? I mean what the f* were those dreams? Who the f* put them in my mind? And what the f* is happening to me?"

"Ya I know, I feel exactly the same. I have always felt that we are not living in the real world. Everything is just a dream."

"Ya right? Everything is just a dream!"

"And about your situation, I think it's amazing that you can still feel things how a sensitive young girl feels. Not saying it's easy for you, but ya, hope you get through this and tell me all about it lol. What the f* man."

"Haha sure thing! Let me just keep myself busy and keep my head down and eyes shut. At the worst, I can go and find my first love and chat with him just to get through lol. Not sure if I can still find any mutual friend in my new WeChat to give me the contact of my first love lol.... I am helpless...."

"Lol what the f* man. Stay away from all men!"

"Lol thank you for being here for me. After sharing with you I felt much better!"