I'm finally back. Wow...
What a journey—and I don’t just mean our annual China-India trip. I’m talking about the journey of trying out polyamory, navigating having a boyfriend alongside a husband, and managing multiple relationships. But that trial is officially over now, and I’m back.
Basically, I realized I’m just not built for polyamory in my current environment. My husband loves me so so so so so much, our lives are completely integrated, and our relationship is deeply co-interdependent. Because he loves me sooooooo intensely, me being gone for even a few hours always brings him down for a day or two, which ends up making me sad in return. On top of that, my now 22 y/o boyfriend and husband couldn't get along very well as my relationship and boyfriend developed. Eventually, we couldn't hang out as a trio anymore, and a bit of drama even unfolded. I absolutely hate drama; no matter how minor the incident was, it traumatized me deeply.
Furthermore, once a relationship passes the honeymoon phase, it needs a foundation in real life to thrive—looking forward to shared milestones like moving in, getting a pet, or tackling a project together. We had none of that. I realized we couldn't grow any deeper, at least not to the level that satisfies me. As a highly intelligent, creative, and high-energy person, I'm not easily matched.
Even before our trip abroad, I came to the conclusion that Letting Go was the right thing to do. I held off on talking to my boyfriend about it until yesterday, though I had been keeping some distance, including disappearing for an entire month. Yesterday, I finally brought it up when we were chatting:
"You see, this is what I've been thinking. I'm not jumping to conclusions, but I want to leave this as an open question for us: how do we grow deeper without a shared life together?"
He responded, "It’s helpful for me to process this, but let's drop the boyfriend-girlfriend label. My feelings get hurt when you say titles don't matter to you. It means a lot to me, knowing that you are my girlfriend. I tell everybody about it; I really take it seriously."
I told him, "Well, I could never post 'Me and my boyfriend' on social media anyway. At 41, titles truly don't mean much to me—plenty of husbands and wives end up acting like enemies. You can call me whatever you want. But if dropping the title gives you peace of mind, please do it; I respect your choice. That doesn't mean I don't want to have sex with you anymore, though! hihi. But what we had was so beautiful, right? A good 6-7 months, almost all honeymoon phase. We had so much fun, we had a good run! I am thinking about our good time in Yoshi's...."
"Yes, yes yes! Usually honeymoon phase only lasts for 3 months. I'll never forget all those moments, baby; it has been sooooo magical. It's the most intense and deep love I have ever experienced, and I believe maybe in my lifetime, I'll never get to experience a love that inspiring and intense anymore. I love you so so so much, baby. I'll always, always love you, and I'll never forget our moments together...."
