Sometimes, life

"Oh btw, remember xxx? They just cashed out xxx millions and spent half a million in two and half months vacationing."

"You see, these are real rich people. You guys are still so poor, house so small..."

"....."

The moment I told my mom the gossiping "news", I regretted it. She never did learn to show Raj or me proper respect. It's just how their brains are wired, how they grew up and grew old in that money-worship environment, they could never change that.

I fought my way with them, being with Raj. 

Didn't marry for money, that's for sure. How much I worked and sponsored his family financially in the beginning years to prevent his dad from committing suicide because of bankruptcy. That's why my in-laws dare not say anything to me, absolutely nothing, not about what I wear, what I do, or what I post on social media. They are always on my side, against the whole lot of Indian society. Of course, I have always treated them respectfully and generously given them whatever I have. Everybody knows that. 

Didn't marry for citizenship either. Being in the inferior category of race, gender, and country. The first thing you learned while studying abroad was how to get residency/citizenship in Europe, America, or anywhere richer than your birth country. At the same time, when I met Raj in Berkeley, of course there were other guys: a white, he didn't need to mention his nationality; a brown, he openly told me he was a US passport holder. But I didn't learn well as a foreign student from China, obviously. Went ahead with an ongoing undergrad Indian from India, merely interning 2 months in America. He was my first boyfriend, by the way, never felt that anybody had reached the level of kindness worthy of me to commit. Got our citizenship after 16 years of struggle.

However, all of this is not considered a force of strength or integrity to them. It's blunt silliness and oblivion. They rejected this version of me, the only version of me, for a decade. I had my struggles, I had my time. The worst kind of struggle is not being accepted and respected by the ones who are the closest to you. I went against the whole freaking world. I was in constant hysteria because I was deeply wounded inside, by the people who were supposed to accept me as who I was. 

"I'd rather you marry some old rich guy from a first-world country!" That's one of the reasons why I freaking hate old rich men, especially from a "first-world country". I still can't stand the sight of them. The only way not to repel them is to grow old together with them. 

And I am so freaking proud of that golden period when I was fighting against the whole world. A whole world of racism and discrimination. Proudly presented Indian culture to the Chinese. Even though I had to wade through a deep marsh of endless racism, and it ended with an explosion of brutal internet violence against me. 

But I reached my calm. Not because we are not as poor as we once were, without enough to fill our bellies, but because after years of ups and downs, countless sleepless nights with the kids, a broken future in my career, and shattered dreams of achieving anything "recognizable" by this cold world, I naturally don't care that much anymore.   

Do they accept me as who I am now? Will the world ever hear what I have to say? Will I ever collect enough determination to write out the fantasy worlds in my mind? Meh, who cares. 

"Do you think I don't know the difference between having xxx millions and us? Do you think I don't know the difference between much bigger and more luxurious houses and ours? What do you exactly want from me? What exactly do you try to achieve by ridiculing and disrespecting us? Do you want me to divorce my husband and find a billionaire that you would finally respect? Do you want my husband to work even harder so he would never have time for me and the kids? Or do you want that rather I was not born so the son of yours could be born and he would become the billionaire you are able to respect? You must think, who doesn't like being millionaires and billionaires? Well, I don't! I simply don't care, precisely because of people's mentality like yours! I really am confused, What Do You Exactly Want From Me? You truly think everybody can easily cash out millions and billions, do you?"

Sometimes, when people's mind is blocked by the collective greed of the human race, it's extremely cold and disheartening. Even though they are actually very very warm and kind human beings, if in their senses.  

"So let me tell you this. Maybe you don't mean what you said, but I clearly do not appreciate your out-of-blue disrespectful attitude toward us and our financial status. We are delighted and comfortable about where we stand today. We have no envy of the others and no regret. Our lives have never evolved around money, never did, and never will. If you could learn to respect who we are and what we have, which is much more invaluable than the money you can count, that would be perfect. If you truly couldn't respect that, at least don't burst out in front of me. I am very happy about whatever I have, so please keep your dissatisfaction to yourself and leave me be. I am 40 years old already, you can't change nothing of me, like I can't change nothing of you. I am not going back to college, getting a degree, and having a money-making career, and I am not going back in time, change my appearance, and dig some gold, no matter how much you ridicule me. So let's just treat each other with mutual respect like mature adults. Should we?"